It's not easy being green

I fell asleep on my own last night!  I can't remember how long it has been since I did that except for the night after I didn't sleep because of suicide watch in the hospital.  I was up late but it didn't seem like  good idea to take a sleeping pill because I was feeling on the verge of a panic attack with it already trying to start and my pulse very elevated.  But the thing that is truly amazing is I'm fighting another panic attack right now and have discovered that all it takes it to think of making a phone call.  All I am supposed to do for counseling is to talk to someone daily.  I was going to cover that for today with phone calls about a few maybe if I'm fortunate support/therapy group possibilities.  Turns out that I can look up stuff (which is what I was doing last night when I got panicky) but trying to handle this is enough to cause panic.  So I won't and will try again Tuesday.  I have something in place for Monday and Thursday (Dr. Mind) and Wednesday (NAMI-National Alliance for the Mentally Ill).  Ideally I'll get something for the other 2 days or better yet a 2nd program for one of those 3 days to save trips.  It's not looking good.

I can't believe phone calls are making my panicky.  That would make my job impossible all by itself.

One thing that I'm getting verified over and over is that this will not be easy.  In the hospital I didn't think much about it because they say go to group and I go.  That was the advantage of the outpatient programming I wanted to do (basically 4 hours of various types of group therapy every day; a step down from inpatient).  Once you're there it is easy to get the treatment.  But trying to put it together myself is anxiety inducing.

I hate feeling like this.  My heart feels like I ran 7 miles.  Instead my major achievement of the day is taking my AM meds.