Ok

My cat is ok.  My first guess was correct; the blisters are from liking and pulling out her hair.  No treatment needed unless she doesn't leave it alone.  Since I have yet to see her touch the area and only found it because I happened to pick her up with my finger in the right spot I think there's a good chance she'll be fine.  I also know that she no longer can handle being left for 2 days at a time.  I know she is just now starting to trust that I'm home for real and she just doesn't have the ability to put together gaps in her care anymore.  She probably worried endlessly about who was going to feed her.  And as my mother pointed out they've had me here with them nearly constantly for moths.

I survived my trip to the vet (it's 45 minutes each way) without issues.  The cat I took in today lived with me in Michigan and got used to riding in the car every 6 months or so for trips back to Ohio (and it was two of the furthest possible points to reach, so it was a long trip).  She actually really likes car trips.  She could do without the vet though.  Still, much better than the other, huge cat who is hard to get hold of.

What else?  My blood sugar. To be clear, because my antipsychotic is a factor, as I talk about this (or please God as I don't have anything to talk about), if this is happening it is not because of the antipsychotic as a first or second cause.  It often is but I've been watched so carefully since starting it and even more carefully since being on a high dose that I know other factors are more likely to be the trigger, if anything has triggered. My family history is so bad that a doctor before Dr. Body or even the heavier psych meds told me that I needed to be checked annually because I am unlikely to NOT become diabetic eventually.  As a result and because I have been on risky meds for a long time now I get tested frequently.  We've been even more careful since I developed the diabetes insipidus issue about 5 years ago (wow.  That flew) because it can mask the symptoms of real diabetes (hence the use of diabetes in the name, confusing computers that don't have rare diagnoses listed for years).   I have fasting sugars done a few times annually, non-fasting periodically, an A1C annually, free insulin this year, and I've had 3 years of knowing that I had a pretty high non-fasting sugar at just this time of year, leading to huge weight loss.  In the last 6 months I haven't felt well enough to eat healthily or exercise and so I gained weight.  And now much sugar is back up, more alarmingly to me because it is fasting that it is now an issue.  Also diabetes would explain the headache and upset stomach that I've been fighting for the last while and blaming on lithium.  I think it is still lithium but the hospital doctor thought it was too long. However, he has been warned by Dr. Brain about my weird metabolism of the magic salt but not seen it for himself so I'm not sure that he fully understands that "this isn't typical" is meaningless for me.  My level should be much higher than it has been in nearly 6 years and the symptoms are consistent with being on a higher dose after toxicity.  I'm hoping the sugar is just back to normal when retested.  I am prepared for it not to be but equally prepared for it to improve dramatically.  So the point was that the antipsychotic is about the 4th thing in line as the cause.  If I am diabetic it may be sooner than it would have happened, but not far in age from when my uncles and now cousins were diagnosed.  I do have to start losing weight.  However right now that will be more by eliminating things I shouldn't eat from the house and replacing them with better as I get out more.  I had meant to go to a store today until my mother mentioned how crazy it was yesterday evening because of people grabbing party supplies.  I had forgotten the date.

I think I mentioned being very sad because I ordered a picture of my mom's cat who died as kind of a memorial and then it didn't turn out well.  I actually got the picture while I was in the hospital and looked at it today.  Turns out that at first glance it isn't right but if you look very long you find that from the right perspective it is actually really good.  So I'm happy about that project and will give it to her tomorrow.  I'm wanting to go down to maximize time with Anne and my sister.  It all depends on panic attacks though.

I wish blogging or email counted for Dr. Mind.  They don't.  The purpose is getting out of the house every day and interacting.  Which is important at this stage of recovery from wanting to die because it means being engaged in the world as well as having a chance or breaking any bad thought loops rather than just lying here staring at nothing and repeating the bad thoughts in my head.  His reasoning is good.  My panic attacks are a good reason to not go when I am not feeling well as until I have meds that help I am needing about 2 hours of effort to recover from each one.

Oh, and if I say something weird, consider if I might have thought I was being funny.  I keep trying to make jokes and confusing people.  Apparently I'm not there yet.

Have wonderful and safe New Years'.

Oh yeah, IOP the conclusion

I forgot about this not being something that you know.  Too much going on for me I guess.  Anyway, the IOP won't be happening.  The place I wanted to go just isn't right.  The other choice is even further away than I thought when I realized it wasn't an option.  It isn't at the actual hospital but at an off-campus second site that would be 95 minutes in normal traffic per Mapquest, meaning that snow and rush hour could make it 4 plus hours of driving daily.  There are no other programs.  So that means putting together something ourselves.  To make it worse the NAMI meeting I wanted to go to requires having attended a class that doesn't sound particularly appropriate for my needs at this time (would have been great in 2002).  Some of this is hard because I'm not doing this in the usual order.  Usually by almost 10 years after diagnosis you are not trying to adjust to stability that has imploded and unfortunately most people have experienced the degree of suicidalness I have just come through before.  So unless one of the Drs. feels I need to attend the course and review skills I've had for a long time there isn't at all what I need.  There is regular support group on Sunday nights; I'm not sure that it is ideal because keeping me out late (and I think this would be going both directions in the dark) isn't great.  It's sort of Dr. Mind's call at this point.  I'm taking a break for hefty decisions for a while.

Ideally the hospital social worker would be helping.  However she doesn't like me much for some reason (this isn't my first problem with her) and she just avoids helping me with anything.  They initially offered to have her get in touch with me and try to help but I didn't want to deal with her either not calling me or not being helpful; I needed to ideally be enrolled in the program and knowing what I was doing; she would have not gotten information at this point, just referred me and then the same thing that did happen would have; I would have had questions, called them, and found out that the referral wasn't appropriate.

The talk to someone thing is to get me out of the house and interacting.  I'm supposed to try to leave daily.  I think.  But that's going to depend on things like today did with panic attacks.  Until I have some anxiety meds that I can take more of if I become extremely anxious I am kind of stuck fighting those the best I can with deep breathing and decreased stimulation.  The trick is without specific destinations I start to feel panicky.  The next few days I'll be meeting this goal as tomorrow is the vet (the thing seems to be healing but I can't get a very good look, I don't know what the cause is so don't know what it is (burn vs. other injury), and for all I know it is a gross infection from chewing on herself while I wasn't here.  She also needs checked for anything else and that is not a one woman job.  If it is a burn I want to know my vet's position on her heating pad.  I thoroughly messed with it and it's warm, not hot, seems to be heating evenly and there is no indication it could burn her, particularly not rapidly enough to hurt.) and then the next 2 days I'll be at my mom's for time with my sister's family and then "Christmas".  And Tuesday is Dr. Mind day as it Thursday.  Saturday is Dr. Brain day.  So I only have to do something Wednesday and Friday.  Or I try to talk him into letting me off the hook.  Which is unlikely since isolating helped me get into this mess and isolating is dangerous.  The talking thing means just talking to clerks in the store, librarians, whatever.

My poor injured darling is screaming at me (trust me) to feed her so I guess I should since I have, according to her, caused grievous harm to her need to eat constantly by being away.  She wants to pick everything right now-what, when, and how much she eats.  Whatever cat.

There's another layer to all this by the way.  My mother is being pretty obnoxious about guilt and the moving of Christmas.  Things like saying my niece may not enjoy it now.  Things that HURT.  Dr. Mind was livid about this last night.  I've been pushing it away because it hurts but I don't know what to do about it.  He wants me to say something back, including offering a referral to counseling of her own.  While I don't think this happening I do appreciate that he was mad for me because I know it's not appropriate but I have way too much on my plate.  I need him to take her on for me.  (If I brought her in he would, gently and kindly and then she'd leave believing him to be on her side of everything.  Forever.)

And the cat is DYING she says so I must run before she is just simply a pile of hair.

Fantastic

 took the time to check out my labs from the hospital today.  Good thing I did.  I had 2 fasting blood sugars taken.  Both were high.  Like I may have developed diabetes thanks to weight gain high.  My family history is not good with diabetes.  At least 3/4 of my grandmother's children who lived to adulthood died from it (my father is the only one still alive and we don't know where or how he is).  My cousins who are older are developing it.  And my mom's mother had it severely and died from complications of it last summer.  My fasting sugars have always been good.  Typically I have an A1C (test of sugar metabolism going back 3 months) done annually but this year I had a free insulin instead which apparently more accurate and it was normal.  However that was 9 months and a lot of weight ago.  So I have emailed Dr. Body and expect to have more blood taken when I have my next lithium level.  I don't know how to handle this.  Those who were around about 3 years ago may remember me working very hard on a diet for those at high risk for type II diabetes and losing about 60 lbs.  Those stayed gone until this year when 25 or so crapt back on as I've eaten a very high carb/not balanced diet.

My vitamin D has also dipped below normal, despite being on supplementation.  I'd accidentally started taking more than I used to anyway (forgot it was in my multivitamin) so hopefully that will go back up with that, but it can explain some of the feeling crappy part of the last few months as it can make you feel tired.  In fact I remember being amazed when it was first found and treatment started and I suddenly felt so much better with my levels normal.  At that time the levels were done differently (I think they actually changed the lowest number they want to see) and my level was very, very low.  This surprised nobody since I hadn't been able to be outside in the sun for much of the year in many years because of the medications.  Supplementation got it back up and it had stayed, to my knowledge, at normal.

Can I say that this is very  not fair?  If it is diabetes and all signs point to the weight gain as the reasonable cause of onset then presumably getting the weight off will help.  Hard to know how much between the family history and Seroquel increasing my risk level.  

I am really missing anxiety meds today.  The antihistamine only goes so far.  This is past it.

My poor kitty

My cats stayed home alone while I was in the hospital.. My mother fed them every other day and tried to give them so attention.  But it was Christmas and so there wasn't a lot of time.  Since I got home they've been very clingy; one of them still hasn't let me out of his sight except when I left yesterday to see Dr. Mind.  My other cat is, as I've mentioned before, quite old and not in the best health and she also has periods of being very confused.  My being gone must have been very hard on her as she (I'm hoping as the other option is that her electric bed warmer burned her and that is guilt I can't stand although I think that is the deal now that I think of it).  Crap. I just discovered a hairless, blistered area on her belly.  So we're going to the vet tomorrow and I feel so bad, especially now that I'm sure she burned herself which would mean taking away the head that keeps her comfortable.  I may try to protect her with covering it, but I can't believe it hurt her; she's had the thing for years and while she uses it more now it's not like she is unable to change positions.  I probably need to check her for other injuries but right now she is so peaceful sleeping on me that it will wait.  This burn thing looks like it is relatively healed so who knows how long it's been there.  I only found it because I grabbed at it when picking her up when she wanted in the bed where I've been fighting a panic attack for several hours.  Bleck.

It's not easy being green

I fell asleep on my own last night!  I can't remember how long it has been since I did that except for the night after I didn't sleep because of suicide watch in the hospital.  I was up late but it didn't seem like  good idea to take a sleeping pill because I was feeling on the verge of a panic attack with it already trying to start and my pulse very elevated.  But the thing that is truly amazing is I'm fighting another panic attack right now and have discovered that all it takes it to think of making a phone call.  All I am supposed to do for counseling is to talk to someone daily.  I was going to cover that for today with phone calls about a few maybe if I'm fortunate support/therapy group possibilities.  Turns out that I can look up stuff (which is what I was doing last night when I got panicky) but trying to handle this is enough to cause panic.  So I won't and will try again Tuesday.  I have something in place for Monday and Thursday (Dr. Mind) and Wednesday (NAMI-National Alliance for the Mentally Ill).  Ideally I'll get something for the other 2 days or better yet a 2nd program for one of those 3 days to save trips.  It's not looking good.

I can't believe phone calls are making my panicky.  That would make my job impossible all by itself.

One thing that I'm getting verified over and over is that this will not be easy.  In the hospital I didn't think much about it because they say go to group and I go.  That was the advantage of the outpatient programming I wanted to do (basically 4 hours of various types of group therapy every day; a step down from inpatient).  Once you're there it is easy to get the treatment.  But trying to put it together myself is anxiety inducing.

I hate feeling like this.  My heart feels like I ran 7 miles.  Instead my major achievement of the day is taking my AM meds.

Not bad overall

One good thing about having talked to Dr. Mind 2 times during the last 10 days is that he knows how vulnerable I'm feeling and how fearful I am of having someone scold me or be angry for all of this and how embarassed I am and ashamed of my behavior in doing everything I'd been taught to not do.  So he treated me as the delicate flower I am at the moment, mostly.  Of course this was while he packed away every sharp thing in my house.  And he made a point that nothing he is doing with helping keep either meds or sharp things away from me will stop me if I choose to hurt myself.  Oddly it's not something I'd thought about.  I knew it factually but either I am done with that part of my life and came home feeling that the safety measures are comforting (if annoying) and; I know they will be effective.  But he's right.  I could replace everything I gave him plus more.  After a week of repeatedly saying things like "I'm here because I lied" "I didn't know how to say what I felt so I hid it" "I wish I had died.  I want to die still.", or being in a group the day after Christmas (ie when the only reason you're on the psych unit is you want to die and are actively being stopped) and asked for everyone who was there because they were suicidal to raise their hands.  Every hand in the room went up.  Mine included.  And I was a lot further down the path to action that many or most of them.  I can't explain how painful I found it to find myself saying many times, saying it because I needed to hear myself say it, that I wanted to die and more than that wanted to cause it myself.  Saying the words "I had a plan" was so shocking they kept echoing in my head.  That was followed by "I had a plan and I meant to carry it out the next time it hurt too much".  That still makes me a bit sick.  But not as sick as "You know Jen if you really wanted to do this nothing I do would stop it".  Because it is true.  Because I managed to fool him before by lying and there is not much he could do to make it stop.  He's right.  This isn't something he can protect me from.  He can try, and he can decrease my ability to do something impulsive, but I can easily beat the system if I want to.  I don't. I hope I never do again.  i think if this every happens again it will be easier for me to get help; I know what those words sound like now.  I know pretty much the whole process of dealing with it and I know that my life would have been a lot less painful if I had chosen to get help weeks ago.

I'm learning that this takes a certain chunk of your life away.  Late fall/early winter Dec. 2011 is lost now.  It is so entangled with the desire to die that I can't even start to sort it out.  That part of my life was overtaken by suicide.  I don't really want to remember.  But this did not happen without a price, a price much lower than it could have been.

That was a very quiet and solemn session.  We talked a great deal.  In fact Dr. Mind thought the time was up and instead we had 15 minutes left.  There was the strong point made at the start, followed by lighter talk and the IOP thing and then back into harder stuff.  The last 15 minutes he was reading the typed and edited to eliminate what I had for dinner version of my notebooks from the hospital.  I wrote about 150 pages during that time and writing helped me work through the shame and horror I felt, take steps along the path to getting help and ending the denial that I was in big, horrible trouble, and the analysis of how I got to be in that position.  With enough time I was able to once again speak aloud of some of what I've thought and felt, and having this in his hands gives him the ability to know what I thought, how I got to today from a week ago, and lets him see things I could never say.  I also have been able to use this to point out to him ways in which I know now I had been lying/hiding/avoiding telling him and signs that this is what is going on inside.  Because I don't remember much of our last few sessions I am telling him some of this and then finding out I was using other words.  I also was able to share with him that my saying I am feeling numb is a danger sign because it seems to be code for I feel so helpless that I have no feelings because I have blocked them off.  We also talked a bit about the grieving process that I have started for my life before these last 6 months.

I'm actually feeling a bit sleepy so I'm going to go and see if I can sleep.  Probably not but I like to try when a chance arises.  It wasn't until today that I realized WHY my anxiety meds were taken away.  Duh.  If that is what I want to kill myself with why would they give me more?  I'm on antihistamines now and had to ask for those. They aren't ideal but they help except at night when I think I need more or something else.  I want to have something so I don't need sleeping pills nightly.  I see Dr. Brain next week.  So we'll see then.

Where things are

Yesterday was frustrating.  I'm sure I've written at some point with past hospitalizations about my frustration with the social worker who very clearly does not like me.  Well, this time I tried to get ahead.  I asked her my 2nd day there to come see me for a couple minutes.  She stopped and told me she was out of time but "first thing Thursday".  Fine.  Thursday came and went and she never came to see me.  She was there, she saw nearly everyone else, but not me.  I knew this Tuesday would be likely to be my last chance and I still knew nothing about the IOP program that another social worker had recommended that I attend.  So I asked her to come talk to me.  She said she would and that she was working on my discharge stuff.  I told her I had specific ideas about when I would start IOP and also that I wouldn't be available after 4 because I had a phone call with Dr. Mind.  She never came.

Yesterday we discovered she hadn't started my discharge.  A social work student came and then later returned to tell me they had no information on the program I wanted to go to and that they would not be able to refer me.  I was very upset and pulled the OT aside and talked to her.  She was kind and efficient and she had heard me ask the social worker to come talk to me.  So she and the nurse found a way to refer me.  When I was signing paperwork I was told I had to start the next day.  I called the place and told them why I wasn't able to start today, etc.  They called back and told me if I wanted the hospital referral to work I had to start today but could do a psychiatrist referral next week and start then.  However I would not be allowed to see Drs. Mind or Brain.  If I self-pay I can sort of lie and do it but it would still be "a conflict of interest".  I assume for them as it wouldn't be for me and Cleveland Clinic does their intensive outpatient completely differently.  Their program also is not the same structured thing that Cleveland Clinic runs; they anticipate a 1-2 week use of the program although some people do stay longer.  Cleveland Clinic runs for 5 weeks for everyone, making sure everyone get the same skill set.  For one thing I am not giving up my doctors; no way would that be good for me.  For another this sounds more like babysitting during the early phases of recovery than what I want.  But I should have known this Tuesday at the LATEST so I could have decided and had help finding something else.  Instead I am searching for a program.  There's another one in the area but it would be 75+ minutes of driving each way and that is too far for 5 days/week.  And again, I should have have help with contacting them but I didn't so I will have to do that myself if Dr. Mind thinks I need to take on the drive.

So this made me totally stressed and upset and then I had to fill pill boxes, throw out unsafe meds (I threw out 2 cups of pills that were unsafe to have around, plus several bottles that I wasn't really worried about but didn't need either).  (By the way, if you ever have to dispose of pills the best way to do it to mix them into clay kitty litter and water.  That keeps someone from finding them and steal them whole.  Trick courtesy of hospice.)  So I did that and then locked up both the meds I will only have access to by bringing the pill box to Dr. Mind's office where the key is and the ones that are safer plus 2 weeks of pill boxes are in a combination lock box with the thought the combination and my shaky hands will slow me down enough to think in an emergency.  My sharps are gathered (and it's scary how many razor blades I could find in this house) and in a box on my porch.  I wasn't supposed to have them sitting in the living room so I put them out there so I didn't have to go back out to the car.  I figured someone stealing them would be a favor.

And that's about it from the other side of that wet, sad land in which the rainbow grows.

Home

I am home.  It has been a long, stressful day with the social worker screwing things up with my going to intensive outpatient.  It looks as if that may be impossible.  I'll explain later.  I am in the midst of 'suicide-proofing" my home and need to go back to that.  More later or tomorrow, just wanted to say hi from my own home.  Also, I have never liked the paint color in my bedroom.  I'd picked one and my mom had to go get it and make sure it flowed with the other rooms and what I'd chosen would not work in here.  So she picked, as I'd told her to and it was always not the mild light peach I wanted.  I never realized though until tonight that this color actually agitates me.  It is, I suppose, possible that merely being in this room is agitating after what has been going on, but I really HAVE to get this painted.  Hate it SO MUCH.  But home is so peaceful and wonderful and there is an orange cat with both paws on my leg and 45 minutes of continual purring since I sat down for a break.

PS.  I want these annoying plastic bracelets off.

1)  I want to go home!

2)  Dr. Mind and I have a safety plan worked out.

3)  I am very shaky tonight and dropped 2 toothbrushes in 20 minutes.  Yay.  I really hope this is not related in any way to my lithium levels. 

4)  Thank God for laxatives.  My belly just dropped inches and I feel sooooooo much better.

5)  I hate TV even though I keep watching it.

I can't remember what I posted last.  I got a very bad headache and upset stomach yesterday evening that didn't go away until noon.  My lithium level is being checked shortly and then if I'm still doing well tomorrow and my level is ok then I'll be leaving I think.  Aside from this snow storm....I'm waiting for the social worker to not come and talk to me about the intensive outpatient program (IOP, get used to it) I'll be doing.  This is funny since I asked her to please do so before setting it up so I can tell her when I want to start and get some information.  Of course I'm still waiting for her to come see me last Tuesday AND last Thursday too.  Oh well.  

Today I'm working on a safety plan, including destroying a lot of medications and finding a way to safeguard the others.  I'm hoping that Dr. Mind will keep a lockbox of them for me or that he will keep the key to the lockbox and I'll carry it back and forth.  I have an email in to Dr. Brain about how much of most meds I can safely keep.  When I get home I will need to sort and toss a lot of stuff that isn't safe and then fill pill boxes for a month or even 2 so that I don't have to do that at Dr. Mind's, assuming he's willing to store the stuff I can't have at home in large quantities.  I'll just add things if they change; I expect a few things to when I get out.  For some reason my doctor here doesn't want me on much anxiety medication.  The antidepressant I tried for anxiety did NOT work (couldn't dose adjust and we think it caused mania).  

I have time to talk to Dr. Mind here shortly.  Next time I will SEE him.  I'm going to ask to leave tomorrow if it is remotely possible so that I can handle the med thing before I see him rather than after a hard hour and a 60 minute drive after the 60 minutes (plus time for all this SNOW all of a sudden) to his office.  Plus a stock for a lock box.

Anyway gonna go let me mom know her days of catsitting are limited.

Last night my roommate was being inappropriate with her boyfriend.  I had no idea what to do because it's so small up here and you don't want enemies.  So I didn't tell the nurse and was going to try to deal with it today.  Then I was going to ask Dr. Brain to help.  But I managed to handle it and am moving to a new room today with no way she'll know why.  The nurse said she wished I'd said something then so they could stop it but seemed to see my dilemma.  I sort of got the impression that she has had complaints before which wouldn't surprise me because it happened when I was here before and lived next door to her.

Cute.  I just heard a nurse try to find someone and wander off mumbling "she's the black lady."  Great.

And for now I shall go because I don't like this being visible.

Merry Christmas.  Those words are meant but are still very weird to be saying from here.

I saw Dr. Brain today.  She isn't mad at me and doesn't hate me or want to get rid of me which I had feared.  I'd actually gotten rather freaked out about this.  When I cried she hugged me for a long time.  She made several good changes:  d/c a med that was started when I came in that I don't think is doing what it should be; increased the frequency of my anxiety meds; increased the dose of my constipation meds (yay, they were going to make me take milk of magnesia and that would be likely to make me sick which would throw my lithium levels); gave me PRN sleeping meds since I've not been able to sleep the last 2 nights and they had to request meds for me in the middle of the night; and ordered a lithium level I think tomorrow to see what is happening.  We talked about my feeling right now that I don't want to think/don't seem able to think of plans past the intensive outpatient treatment I'll do for about a month and she agrees that I have so far to go and need a lot of treatment including probably months more of twice weekly with Dr. Mind.  She agrees with my decision about leaving my job, just accepting time on long term disability is needed to recover and that it's ok to look no further right now than getting to the end of intensive outpatient. She also agrees that it is time to do everything I can to get my house on the market and move closer to my mom.  This will take a while but it is another of those need to be done things.  I need to work in the city where Dr. Mind is so that I can do twice weekly sessions and possibly a NAMI group as well.  I still don't know how long I'm staying; she's back tomorrow and I'll try to get some idea.  However it's not really her decision so I don't know; I think she'll be able to give an estimate at least.  I need some idea because if it's not by the end of the week I need to have mom bring checks up to sign and so I can pay some bills.  I think they are going to keep me until they are sure I'm well.  I just really want to be home by Thursday night.  Maybe I can talk them into letting me go that day and see Rick on the way home, then I can manage the financial stuff when the bank is still open on Friday.  Time is really confusing with the holidays and a lack of frame of reference.

Otherwise "holiday cocktail" is aka fruit cocktail, hospital prime rib?roast? is very hard to cut with flimsy plastic utensils and my mom is a better cook than the hospital.  I have a new roommate so my days of being alone are over.

And I am not winning this battle to stay awake.  It's too late to nap with the insomnia but my increased anxiety med really is making me groggy this afternoon.  It also so far is helping the mania so that's good.

Oh, and my suicidal thinking is down to "not much" and I can READ.  I haven't been able to really read in months.

Things are improving.

Doing ok.  Nausea better. Cried a bit today which I've not done much of.  I have rested a lot, colored (boring), played 2 games of Sorry, and worried a lot about what "holiday cocktail" and hospital version of "prime rib" will be like.

Have good Christmases wherever you are!

Today is probably going to be a pretty quiet day for me.  I'm feeling sick from lithium and was up until 2:30 AM.  I'm hanging out in my room and trying to not move much.  Exact opposite of my last admission.

Starting to feel manic.  Not good.....Need to stay in the MIDDLE.  (need to FIND the middle).

I opened up a LOT today both with my nurse and in group.  I talked about how lying has nearly caused me to harm myself and how I lied to everyone in my life to get there.  I also realized that the lying started to get bad when confused on lithium and so then it grew out of control.

Now to stop lying.

Brief explanation:  Michal asked about my statement about making it this long by grace.  What I mean is that I have been pretty seriously (is there any other kind?) suicidal for months now and I did everything that I'm not supposed to do.  I didn't tell anyone that this felt more serious than the harmless but annoying "I wish I was dead" thinking I had been having for so long.  But after the lithium toxicity I started thinking about ways to stop living if I couldn't handle it anymore.  I wanted I guess insurance is the word that I was going to have a way to stop the cycling if nobody else could.  By the time I got here I was sitting in my room thinking about how different things could hurt me.  That's when I told on myself.  But I've been living in a very, very dangerous situation for a long time now and I was very, very stupid to do that.  I have various excuses but the truth is that I was embarrassed and didn't want to tell anyone and I didn't want to have the only way I felt was sure out of this situation stopped.

Now I am in a much safer place but things could have been so much worse and so dangerous.  I have a very long way to go to recover from this one and to develop safety plans with Dr. Mind.  I guess we also have to talk a lot about this until I am not so ashamed of thoughts I can't control.  

I feel much more raw today.  I think my numb period is over.  I think all the things I said last night to Dr. Mind made me have to feel again.  It all feels much closer, and also much scarier as I realize what I've been doing these last weeks in lying to myself and to Dr. Mind.  Only grace kept me alive.  I'm trying hard to let the emotions stay, even if it means the dreaded crying.  I'm also going to beg for a different form of anxiety med. because ativan doesn't make any difference.  I am so tired today but it is tired versus I can't move because I'm under so much weight.

I had a long, teary (finally, I cried hard) conversation with Dr. Mind on the phone tonight.  It's not much fun to explain that you've been lying to people who you aren't to lie to (with the distinct disadvantage of lying to yourself making that harder) and put yourself in a bad place because of that.  He was kind but obviously this can't go on again.  There was so much going on that I have to process, but I have now spoken with him and will again Tuesday either on the phone or in person.

Hopefully that's it for tonight.  Gonna try to watch a movie and get a shower and then go to bed.

B asked a question today that I wanted to explain.  She was saying I seem depressed, not bipolar.  There are a few things going on.  One is that I am more depressed right now than usual.  I have more depression always.  The second is the type of bipolar that I have; I am both manic and depressed at any given time most of the time (I can be only at one plane).  Right now I'm depressed but have manic spells later at night.  Those seem to be responding to treatment but occur after I'm not able to use the computer here.  However for the purposes of treatment right now depression is the main issue.  Anxiety is anxiety but also sometimes anxiety is how mania expresses itself.  And in certain mood states I feel more like posting than in others.

Make sense?

Today I found out that I'm here indefinitely, can't have more anxiety meds at the moment and a nurse accused me of putting a pill in my pocket and so I got searched, I heard "and where is it in your room?" ("my stomach?") and I'm sure my room was carefully searched instead of the usual brief sweep.  Fun stuff.

More later, gotta eat lunch.

Well it turns out that 4 horrible hours of sleep one night and the emotional rollercoaster of the last few days combine to make me sleep.  8 hours with only 1 30 minute awake period.  I really can't remember what I said yesterday; a social worker met with me and I finally cried a little.  Not enough, but a little. Dr. Brain answered my email and didn't sound mad.  I just still have some serious issues to work through. Today I'm going to ask when they anticipate going home.  I don't want to but wondering isn't good either.

breakfast...

OK, so those who remembered the last time I was here there was a nurse who drove me nuts.  She is my nurse tonight.  Please pray that goes ok.

Otherwise we did have a group; unfortunately the topic rotation landed on the same one I did last time in this group.  But it was something.

Have I told you that my niece has pronounced herself a "toddler"?  I don't have a baby anymore.

Please tell me which anonymous you are.  2 anon, both on the West Coast and I can't see the blog to figure out who you are.  Whoever is whapping their head, stop it!  Thanks for sharing your caring though.

I talked to the dr.  I am allowed to close my door. That was what I meant by staring; I was on 15 minute must fully see me checks until they decided I am not a danger to myself.  I don't think any meds are being changed today, just to see if I can benefit from what I started yesterday.  He is going to arrange a proper lithium level be done and I should get to call Dr. Mind tomorrow afternoon.  He said what I wrote is typically what people are saying before they come.  I explained I didn't think about it in the right way until I was here and it didn't come together until yesterday.  I am probably going to be going to an outpatient group daily for a month or so after I leave here.

Today's bad thing is that I came here for groups, help and things to do.  Instead the person who does group is not here and so we have nothing.  Some groups happen but today not one is on the schedule.  So in many ways this is being in the hospital for the world's longest weekend, which makes me feel babysat but is missing something huge.  I know that it may be hard to have someone fill in but every OT could do something meaning we could have an occasional group if they worked at it.  I refuse to think nobody can do anything with us.  I'm very disappointed by this.  I am up, dressed, and occasionally talking to people but not like I needed.  The doctor is lecturing me about needing groups etc. and yet they are providing none.  Fun.

I still feel guilty, like my having my breakdown now may be some behavior related to Dr. Brain being off as opposed to what it really is which is I reached the end of my rope, moved to the place that they felt unsafe and now am coping with that.  I have never felt like this  before; it's just I'm overwhelmed and it feels like nothing really works with meds.  I did not ask how long; he just said he'd see me daily through this.

Anyway, I should finish up on the computer.  Lunch is soon.

Next up:  I have a tough day ahead with a big discussion with my doctor I'm sure and more being stared at and I am not excited.  There haven't been groups thus far in the morning. I think the OT is on vacation.   Please pray for lots to do besides color.   There are 2 groups pending but one is nutrition (boring) and the other is sometimes good/sometimes not good.  It's also going to be chaotic around here as numerous people are leaving.  I'm glad as it will get quieter but it makes for a weird day.  I'm arguing with someone about TV volume; our room is close to the lounge and it's overly loud.  Great.

It's kind of hard to know what to say, but you all say the perfect things so I'm going to say thank you and we'll come back to this.  Love you guys

I did give her the information in writing.  I am now on serious suicide watch; not allowed to close the door or pull curtain.  My roommate and I changed bed positions so she gets some darkness.  

I had to do this.  It is also so painful.

Gonna do something hard

I have been realizing more and more how suicidal I feel and that I have a lot of really strong desires to stop fighting.  I have no plans to hurt myself but I seem to be fighting the idea of making one.  And I'm not sure anyone really knows how bad.  My favorite nurse is working tonight so I'm hoping to talk to her later.  If not tomorrow morning.  I'll trying to talk to the dr. about it too but the nurses often listen longer, get more information and can share that with everyone.  I am having so much trouble acting like anything is wrong and I'm scared I'll be sent home before it's really addressed if someone doesn't know how serious it is.  This is why I'm here.  It's ok to talk about it because that's why I'm here.  But it's still a taboo-feeling topic.  I think it would help even if I could cry but I can't.  I want to and tears no longer come.  I forget when I quit crying.

Tough day in my head.  My niece called me (I think she had help) and that was great.

So tired of hating my life,

Jen

Well, I slept a little more last night with a big dose of ativan.  I was awake some but not as bad as it had been.  Then they gave me a big dose of ativan to relax me and so I've had a nap.  That nap was lovely.  Stupid lunch.

I saw a doctor, not my doctor, who was really good about going through everything I've ever taken and finding something I could.  I don't know how well this is going to work; it's a tiny Seroquel increase, decreasing my patch dose a bit (to see if it's agitating me) and adding another med that might make me sleepy.  I don't feel incredibly hopeful but tomorrow my "real" doctor will be here so hopefully that will get new ideas if this doesn't work.

For now I've got 15 minutes to get un-groggy before group.  Groups, by the way, one of things I needed to make me get out of bed, the person who does most of them wasn't here yesterday or today.  I really hope she's not off all week.  I need forced activity.  And i fI know this and am aware and willing I really need it.

We'll see what happens next.

The day started with a rainbow.  No rain anywhere to be seen and a huge rainbow.  I'm choosing to take that as hope.

There was a mix-up with intake requiring me waiting a long time (hours) before I got in here.  But I did and presumably I'll see a resident soon and a doctor tomorrow and then we'll get going.

Right now I need prayers for 2 things:  I need to cry.  I also need to quit acting as if nothing is wrong no matter how crazy it is to do that.  I need people to know I'm not well and I put too much energy and anxiety into hiding it.

That's it for now.

And the #1 sign you need to to the psych unit.....

You wake up and think "wow, I really slept.  I feel so good, Maybe this is a dumb idea".  And then you realize you slept 3.5 hours and awoke at least once.

I'll keep posting from the hospital.  Leaving in a few minutes.

Thanks for the prayers and support.

Nice

Somehow that I don't understand but am pretty annoyed at Dr. Brain managed to arrange a Sunday admission and told everyone but me.  I have sent no fewer that 4 emails asking what was going on and got no answer.  Then a few minutes ago the hospital called to see if I was ok because I should have been there hours ago.

I AM SO ANGRY.  I know she's sick.  I know I accidentally kinda scared her last week.  But for pete's sake that would not have been a hard thing to tell me and now I've lost a whole day of treatment that I desperately need.

So I'm going tomorrow as soon as I can get going.

Pray?

I still haven't heard from Dr. Brain.  Obviously I'm not going to the hospital today.  Fine.  But I have no idea what the deal is for tomorrow.  The last I knew she was going to ask the dr. if he'd hold a bed for me then see how I felt Monday.  I feel just the same now as I did before except for a lot more anxious if that's even possible.  I have emailed, admitted that I was obsessively anxious and had no results.  This leaves me with no clue if I really have a bed tomorrow.

The thing is that I don't know how much I said about this, but I was having plenty of trouble sleeping when 5 or 6 days ago I dreamed about killing myself.  This is something that I think about but have control over.  Dreams are not as safe nor are they controlled.  I am still safe but I cannot relax to sleep more than an hour or so then I wake up, struggle to sleep, etc.

I've been mainly saying I need this to keep me out of bed and social.  That part is true, and Dr. Brain knows about the dream although maybe not that it is keeping me awake.  She does know I'm not sleeping much and that my anxiety is even worse than it was before.

I know she believes me.  I suspect that the bed is there and she's been too busy with her own life to be on email much and therefore hasn't answered me.  But I'm scared that tomorrow rolls around and I still don't know and something happens like the unit gives away my bed.  I'm planning to wait until 10 AM then call Dr. Brain's office and ask for advice.  I am not comfortable calling the unit because if they don't have a hold I'm going to sound crazy and then show up later with all these people who think I'm nuts.  I think sometimes when she feels I'm pestering her she backs off and I probably have been but am desperate to know what is going on.  If I had any other way to find that out it would be one thing but I don't.

Regardless, please pray as you get this that she will feel a strong need to contact me.  It is 8:15 pm here at this moment.  I've lately gotten emails from her as late as 11pm or 12 am.    Please pray that she feels a strong need to touch base with me, a need she can't ignore.  Pray that things truly are under control and the time I have to work so hard to stay together is limited.  Once I hit that hospital it is safe to fall apart.  Until then I am wobbling along, scared to let go off the control because of fear that if I don't fight to stay together that something bad could happen without my thinking carefully.

I made this worse by not realizing until I left Dr. Mind's office that this was what was needed, so I didn't have his back-up for what I was saying.  I don't know he'd even agree although I think so.  So what this all sounds like to her, I'm sure, is a panicked Jen who isn't very clear trying to explain what is happening instead of someone giving her matter-of-fact information which Dr. Mind would have if my brain had been working faster.

Please, if everyone prays then maybe something will happen.  Sometimes all it takes is my starting to write something like this about feeling desperate to have help and she answers but even that is not happening today.

I'm scared.  Not for my safety but that i won't get the help I need fast enough.  Much more time without sleep is impossible to ponder; I've been there but never when I was already depressed enough to not be able to get out of bed without extreme efforts.

Praying and praying here.
Thank you

Ouch

I just decided that I might feel happier or more relaxed if I watched the video I made of my wonderful day with my niece back in November.  And it still is a great video of a great day.  However it made me cry.  Those days were hard and I was so tired and yet they were only a short period from being toxic and everything that has come after that.  Those were the days that I truly thought I could work again soon.  Now I can't even handle my simple job of waiting to hear from Dr. Brain about whether I'm going in tomorrow or Monday.  If I don't go tomorrow  I'll be able to see her for a while if I can make it down there.  But I just need to get the going and signing in part over.  Not strong enough.........

I don't want to be this brave

Admitting before someone told me that I need help is a big, huge step for me.  I've rarely if ever done so.  I know that it is right this time but I really can think of so many things I'd prefer.  I am basically forcing myself into doing many of the things I've felt impossible for so long now.  It's scary.  I want to cry but I have my emotions in lockdown.

I still don't know when I am going.  I am assuming this means Monday but hoping not.  Hopefully Dr. Brain gets back to me soon.  I know I caused all kinds of confusion yesterday and am probably not her favorite person.  I'd avoid me too frankly.  But I find it really hard to just relax when I don't know what is going on about something this big and although my family is being WONDERFUL (I know!) I hate that I'm likely to be totally messing up Christmas.  I hope that my mom will go down to my sister's to be with SOMEONE that day, or that she and my brother get together, something.

I am doing the right thing.  I am doing the right thing.  I am doing the ONLY thing.  But it still sucks.

Learning curve

My pulmonologist wanted me to change from the nexium I've been on for years to Zantac 150.  I thought this was weird but dutifully tried. When I saw Dr. Body and he asked about the switch he looked skeptical and I told him, yeah, I know, but I figured I'd give it one bottle.

The last few days I noticed more reflux but figured my body was adjusting.  Wrong.  My body was telling me I made a mistake.  Last night the reflux got so bad that it felt like it was going into my nose.  I did all kinds of "don't do" things, like taking nexium, then 2 chewable pepcids.  I had to sleep sitting up.

I now sound asthmatic and need to do a breathing treatment here in a minute.  Not good because I do not need to be agitated.  This also means I'm back on my steroid inhaler.

The hospital will put me on a stronger drug, Protonix.  I already have a request in to Dr Body to continue that for a bit.

My mom sent an email gently saying I may or may not be able to come to the planned Christmas and that if I couldn't we'd re-schedule for the next weekend.  I think they'll let me out that day, especially if Dr. Brain is still working.  She covers Christmas and I don't know if that means she'll cover that day as well.  I hope.  I'd love to have her on my side for this.  My mom handled this well.  Thus far.  It's a pleasant surprise.

I called her while she was skyping with my niece so I got to talk to her for a minute.. I couldn't hear her and she coudln't find me so it didn't work well.  But cute nonetheless. I love being "Aunnnt Jen".

Nebulizer time. I suppose.

Accepted again

I have been accepted to the psych unit.  I will be going Sunday afternoon/Monday morning.  I think.  Dr. Brain was trying to change that from today to a bed hold until then.  I dread it but I need this.  I have barely been out of bed for anything for a month.  I have not been well enough for the smallest things; I have barely even seen my mother.  I have been too sick for too long and it's time to stop and be where they make me get up, there's social pressure to brush my teeth, I have to talk to other people, etc.  The reason Dr. Mind feels stuck is that he can't physically follow me around making me interact and do things and that is what I need.  I dread it because I feel safe here but I have to get past that.  I also have to feel safe and to stop waking with panic attacks every time I do sort of sleep.

I just got back from Walmart trip 2 (I lost my wallet on trip one) and I think I'm going to break my rules and try to nap a bit since I was up all night and freaking out all morning.

what have i done?

i emailed Dr. Brain that I think that if things don't improve I need to go to the hospital where I am forced to participate in routines.  I also said that I really wanted to try to make it until the 26th at home, depending what she thought of what I said.  I don't think she read that part.  As far as I know she's trying to get me a bed as I type.  I don't know if she'll  make me do that or let me wait but there's a strong likeliehood that I'm going to the hospital.  If it's today that's good because I'd likely be out by Christmas.  It's not so good because nothing would really happen until Monday and hospitals are awful on weekends.

I wrote that thing a million times trying to not scare her.  Seems I failed.  Hope she gets back to me soon and says I can wait.  Not sure she will.  Gotta wash clothes.

one thing I know (edited for an error)

I may not be doing well and in my heart I may doubt that anyone treating me cares anymore.  I may feel totally alone, but there are people watching out and trying to help.  And I need to remember that.

Dr. Mind and had quite a talk, one where I admitted that I am feeling worse than I am always saying and that I may sometimes be seeming better and feeling the same.  This happened only because he thought I seemed better at the start of the session and I tried to give reasons that what seemed to be wasn't.  By the end it was just that I sometimes don't turn off hiding it although I try with him to not do that.  He pointed out I've done well before.  I think he's a bit shaken still by the lithium toxicity we all missed and I think he also feels guilty that he did what I did and assumed it was the beginning of psychosis instead of sending me to the ER.  We talked about some of my nightmares and how I really seem to be having a lot more PTSD in the mix right now; I think this is terror of what is happening and what has happened.  I think I was a lot more honest acnd emphatic about that honesty.  We talked about some of the trauma behind the nightmares.  We talked about how extremely difficult a shower is.  We talked about my guilt about now getting better. We talked about how time is loose right now and that suddenly it's almost Christmas and I thought it was 2 weeks off and that this scares me as it means the time until I return to work (in theory) is drawing nearer and I still can't stay out of bed.  He didn't say a lot; I think I spent a lot of the hour thinking of how to answer just a few questions that were painful.  But the end result was that he said what I've been needing to hear and I'm not entirely sure he knew until today:  that he knows I am so, so sad and that I've very ill and that he knows I'm scared and that he can't make promises that I'll be going back to work in a month, or anytime soon at all, but that we'll get through it.  Review of safety and we were done.  That also can be things like everyone was asked to pray for me during my first hospitalization.

{ETA: the computer ate a paragraph saying that the counseling center where I go is a place I'm well known because I've been there forever, probably with one of the more profound illnesses.  They've been kind beyond belief, right down to significantly lowering charges, making sure that if I need to see Dr. Mind I get in if at all possible, and just general kindness and respect.  I was saying that they meet as a group to discuss difficult cases and seamlessly transition into...}  He told me today he hasn't brought me up in there in a long time but that we were getting stuck so he did.  He talked about how I need more things to do to get me out and how I need more support but that NAMI isn't an option as my local group is for people more affected than I am and we went so far as to contact the state level and nobody could find a group I could get to.  One of the other therapists, one of the owners, offered her daughter who is involved with NAMI and may be willing to talk to me.  So hopefully that will be set up fairly soon.  I asked only that we actually meet in person, preferably when I am not going up there, so that I have another day I need to get up and shower and be human.

We also tearfully talked about what is becoming more and more obvious to me:  I assumed for a long time that when things improved that I would go back to the routine I've had the last few years:  up at 4, bed by 10:30 or so.  I've finally come to terms with the fact that any sleep is going to be sleep we're happy to have if it is solid, without nightmares, and lets me truly rest.  I was able to do the job I have because of that sleep schedule.  I even pushed through the environment there making my asthma much worse (factories with some nasty chemical outputs), because I love it.  I'm facing now that I will hopefully go back there but that I am very unlikely to be staying.  I can't live with constant asthma attacks; I haven't had one in 3 months now and am not even using my steroid inhaler (ok'd by the pulmonologist).  Dr. Body was impressed how clear my lungs are.  I'm going to have to transfer or quit.  The other problem is that not only is the job so far but it is the wrong direction.  I need to be able to just see Dr. Mind if I need to.  Twice a week visits are sometimes my reality with him (like for the last 4 months) and when I work so far away it's nearly impossible.  I need to be able to see Dr. Body without needing a whole day off.  I need to work where they are.  So, sometime this year I'm going to have to tearfully resign/transfer from the best thing ever to come into my life.  Coming to terms with that sucks, but I think it's true and not just depression true.  It was good to put that into words.

I am going to try to spend nights in bed and at least a few hours on the couch every day.  I can still lay down but it will be a new room.  This was my thing and I'm going to try really hard to do it as I'm supposed to have something good by Monday.

I also told him that I want honest assessments next week as I'd rather find myself at the hospital Monday than for Christmas.  I know I'm on the edge with that and keep staying on the edge and I don't care but I don't want to be in there for Christmas.  Christmas is likely enough to be the last thing I can do and if I can't stay together then well, we'll deal.

And then I went to Walmart to grocery shop and did sort of ok wearing ear plugs, except I dropped my wallet in the parking lot and didn't hear it fall (ear plugs).  Someone turned it in and I'll go get it tomorrow, hopefully with credit cards intact.  Ugh.

And now I'm on the verge of more crying and must take pills so I think I'll do those 2 things now and talk to you tomorrow.

I don't know what to do

I had originally planned to do a number of quick errands today:  return some things, get some food, buy some jeans that fit, get new pillows (I usually wind up folding my pillows when I sleep which does not do good things for them.  I buy lots of pillows.  I never know if buying cheap ones is better than more expensive.  The more expensive do last longer but I still ruin them faster than I should.  Nonetheless the most recent somewhat more expensive ones have lasted a while (4 months or so) so I'm going to repeat that.

The thing is that I was up until about 3, am quite tired even though when I did sleep it was soundly, and I still feel sick.  I really feel antsy though and want to leave desperately even though I know I don't have the tolerance.  So that means filling some time at home and I don't know what to do to stay busy.  I tried the logical step of sleeping but that didn't go anywhere.  I need to eat but have no interest.  It's a strange puzzle.

I like anti-psychotics

I think that needs to be said.  Jean made me think a great deal with a comment earlier today (2-3 posts down, sorry, too nauseated to search right now.)  The point was that doctors aren't always the best sources of information.  She's right but I'm fortunate.  I thought I'd take a few minutes of trying to get get sick to explain some of the decisions I make.

This is true.  I think how much depends upon the dr.  Dr. Brain is different than most doctors and vastly different than most psychiatrists I've encountered.  There are a lot of examples, including simply that she is helping me from her home while recovering from surgery; has given me permission to contact her while she was on vacation more than once; has called me just to be sure I'm ok on Christmas eve; coordinates with my other doctors (thus far at different times she's talked to Dr. Mind (constantly), Dr. Body (a lot), Dr. Sweetheart (a lot), numerous anesthesiologists, Dr. Kidney and also other psychiatrists.  She has spent hours and hours trying to help me, plenty of that on her own time during these months.  She knows the numerous issues I have and that things are never simple fixes for me.  She knows how much demand that will put on her, but she doesn't stop.  She's also blunt with me, something I appreciate.

Each med I've been on has been reached via a pathway that was created with certain characteristics in mind.  Because during my pre-diagnosis years I was on 11 antidepressants and with the doses rapidly increased then the med pulled my brain doesn't like antidepressants much.  Many people with bipolar are better off without them and at diagnosis with the guru I was told that was true for me.  Yet after a few years it because clear that an AD was needed and we found one that worked, until it caused my blood pressure to be high enough to require meds.  As a last resort imipramine was tried and by carefully messing with the dose I was on it for years.  When the narrow line between too little and too much merged I switched to Emsam, which works better than anything else ever did.  There are at the time a few tricyclics I've not been on but which are closely related to imipramine enough to know that they aren't worth trying.  There are new versions of a few meds but they are all meds that I had bad reactions or irresponsible exposure to.  I don't even want to try them and they aren't on the table.  Even if Emsam had to stop they'd be off the table and another MAOI would be on.

I technically can't take 2 antidepressants now because of the MAOI.  Emsam is actually such a different MAOI that unless you are taking the top dose (me) you can generally skip most MAOI precautions if careful.  However, for one thing it works at a high dose.  But antidepressants aren't kind to me and I wouldn't take a 2nd if that was the only offer I had.

Right now we hope that my depression will be controlled by the return of lithium.  It seems reasonable since I was actually improving rapidly until the toxicity and the hold at non-therapeutic dose.  We also know lithium is what controls rapid cycling for me thanks to being on and off it with the first toxicity.  We'd hope something else might have taken that job over the years but obviously not.

However, lithium alone is not going to cure me at this point.  In a couple weeks something else probably will be needed.  Chances are good that will be an antipsychotic.  It may be for a pulse (a short period I take it to see if it kicks things into the right place) or an adjustment or an additional med.  This is fine with me.  Antipsychotics fall into 2 categories for me; ones that work and ones that don't/cause serious reactions.  Because I've had several bad reactions we know that each time I try one there's a decent chance it won't work.  (This is also true for anxiety meds, antidepressants, seizure meds, etc.)  However, I have learned a trick.  An antipsychotic that works for me will work wonderfully.  It won't have many side effects and most that it does have will be controllable.  It will do more to keep balance than anything else.  It will help with my ever-present anxiety.  It will let me sleep.  In all the antipsychotics that happen to work for me are life-saving despite the scary things that go with them.  To acknowledge that by taking these drugs I'm choosing some bad effects to my health:  weight gain (covered plenty this week), brain chemistry changes that can be permanent, increased risk of diabetes even without weight gain, increased cholesterol, etc.  Jean said in a later comment that she is concerned about brain shrinkage related to antipsychotics, beyond that which goes with the disease.

I think I have a weird stance on that.  I've been through enough to know pretty well that meds aren't kind to my body.  I've already made decisions about lithium that could harm my kidneys and now further decisions to continue it when toxicity is more likely and every toxicity could be the one causing me to be on dialysis in an ICU.  This last one was probably close to the level where that's a concern although my kidneys were strong and went into overdrive and have recovered fully within a few weeks.  Long term results of that and that it may happen again?  not good probably.  But I made a choice to risk kidney function and potentially shorten my life in order to feel good.  I still feel good about that decision.  As far as the other meds, they have terrible side effects. But I can't survive without them.  So essentially I am again picking quality of life over quantity.  People with bipolar are already more likely to develop dementia.  I'd rather increase that risk a bit than to live without the stability that only these harsh meds can provide.

We went a long time not knowing if I'd ever tolerate an antipsychotic.  I failed the first 3 or 4 with nasty/sometimes dangerous side effects each time.  Latuda's nastiness was nothing compared to a few years ago.  But right now these drugs are the ones that let me have as shot at a real life.  I suspect I'll be on 2 antipsychotics by the time I go back to work (3 if you consider lithium as one since it technically is).  That's fine.  I'd take nearly anything to have the gift of stability and if that hurts me later then we deal with that then.

I do admit that I find it hilarious that all these benign meds are things I can't take (cold meds, ibuproferon, aspirin, any anti-inflammatory, various other things) and yet I pour nasty meds in daily.  As Dr. Body told me once he can keep me alive.  He just can't keep me comfortable because the meds that we have today that allow that for the first time in history are all things I can't have.

Thank God I can have zofran though.  I still feel like crap but I'm not nearly vomiting and I ate something that didn't taste good but did have nutrients.  That is one comfort drug I'm so glad that I get a supply of because dehydration from vomiting is not good for me. Normally I wouldn't take it that soon but knowing why I felt sick I don't care.

Enough for now.

gak

I restarted lithium last night per Dr. Brain.  She thinks we have just discovered basically that this is the glue that holds me together.  This was suspected and was why it wasn't stopped altogether.  Some people have it stopped after 1 toxicity.  After I had a hard time tolerating it for a while after the first one we stopped and a few months later had to re-start.  When diabetes insipidus is diagnosed the usual plan is to stop the lithium.  After 3 doctors went back and forth and I clearly stated my understanding that this may not be totally ideal for my body I was allowed to stay on.  And after a 2nd toxicity, especially with numbers like I probably had it's rare to stay on it.  I am going to have very frequent blood tests forever but the plan initially was that if I went several months and didn't need it desperately that we'd consider removing it but that it was more likely I'd need it and after those months had passed we'd try again.  Now that I've fallen totally apart we are skipping the months to recover part and getting it back.  Thus far I am sick.  I am trying to not take Zofran right now but suspect I will as nothing else I'm doing helps and not vomiting is for my benefit with the patch and my constant dehydration not matter what issues.

Regardless, I'm back on 1 whole lithium pill (instead of 1/2) and I'm sick.  This is expected but it is not fun.  It would be easier if it improved my mood immediately but that's not happening.

New plan

I got a much more coherent email from Dr. Brain.  We're going to get my lithium level up now instead of waiting as planned.  I already took the higher dose.  I also was able to ask about anxiety meds, anything that might do better than the useless klonopin.  I hate to lose Klonopin, it worked well but it's done for now.

I also was able to ask if I did have encephalopathy (I don't know if I told this story; the psychiatrist from the bad hospital stay said I had this as a defense to why he treated me the way I did; I was confused.  I know I had sx of this, but I did not know it was diagnosed.  It wasn't on my d/c papers nor was it mentioned to me.  I think he's using it to cover for his bad behavior).  However, I also still have cognitive side effects and the occasional neuro thing so maybe I did.  I just want to know so that I don't panic about any changes in the next 24 hours.  Obviously there are changes and CHANGES but I'm scared enough that I missed this before that I'll be being very, very careful for a long time.

I also realized I have a bottle of zyprexa sitting around that I paid a lot of $ for and only took for a few days.  So I asked about doing a pulse of it to see if that will trigger some stability.

I'm less scared by myself tonight.  I can't settle down, mainly because i need to cry and can't, but I managed to ask rational questions I think clearly.   I hope.  And the anxiety med thing is HUGE.

I'm suddenly sleepy.  Not ideal since I just took more meds to sleep because I was so awake.  Oh well.  Nothing planned tomorrow anyway.

Comments are good

So sometimes a comment makes me think so hard that it's easier to just paste it in and discuss.  B. posted this on my last post.  I'll say first that her perception and mine are so different.  I feel like barely making it implies barely trying.  I don't get out of bed anymore unless I have to be somewhere.  Today I made myself wear sweats and a bra and go to the post office and I wore the "real clothes" until I splashed myself with water making dinner.  I'm going to post the comment and answer it, but the thing is I feel like I am getting nowhere and therefore I can't be trying hard enough, yet I don't know how to try harder.  But I also know as long as I stay in bed I'm not doing everything.

Anyway, answers are in italics.

Anonymous said...

Jen, why do you feel that you are at fault? 

Because someone has to be?  I have to be doing something wrong or I would get better.  That's always how it's been, if I worked hard and took meds I got out of the bad episodes.  I've never been this unresponsive to treatment.

You ARE trying.
You have BEEN trying.
And, you KEEP trying.
Just what is your fault here? 

I feel like I am not doing enough, not living up to all the extra time and effort I've been given by each of my doctors.  I know enough to be suspicious of anything resembling lithium toxicity and I was so oblivious I hallucinated.  I haven't talked much about how traumatic that was and how terrifying; I was positive that I had advanced right into the next level of horrors.  I feel like I'm not trying enough.  There are things I don't do, things that might help, like going for a walk every day, or trying to get out daily.  Granted I was doing that for a while and then got worse but now I don't even try.  It's a good thing my bed is memory foam because if it weren't there'd be nothing to my mattress but a mold of my butt. There is something I'm not trying because things aren't changing.

Are you not following doctor's orders? No.

Again, I am doing most of it.  But I have hit a wall with the doing things/leaving home/exercise thing.    I am not seeking people or support from anyone not safely within my computer.

Are you doing things you are not supposed to do? No.

Again, I'm doing mostly what I'm supposed to.  But there are things I could theoretically do better.  For one thing getting out of this bed might help me sleep better.  Exercise surely would.  Relaxation things that overwhelm me would probably help.  I couldn't even do a yoga more or less lay still and breathe thing the other night because I couldn't focus.  I probably should have my computer off now since the light can make sleep harder, even though I'm not remotely sleepy.  I probably nap too much.  Napping is bad.  But I can't help it; it's hard enough to stay awake after 3 pm at the latest, aiming for  2 pm or earlier.  Yet up for the day means a shower sometimes, getting dressed sometimes, eating, feeding cats, computer time, knitting, TV (which is because I'm forcing noise into my life more than pleasure), a trip to the post office sometimes, trying to read, and appointments.  That's about it.  Cooking is a joke.  Housework is straightening and laundry only.  I'm supposed to try to keep life relatively normal and this is a bare minimal attempt at that.

Are you giving up? Hiding? Isolating yourself so no one can help? No. No. And no!

Giving up?  Maybe.  I think that's why I don't want to leave my bed.  I find myself wondering if the doctors really are helping, try as they might because I do keep going and I keep getting worse.  It is very hard to impossible to believe this will end at this point.  Isolating?  If you aren't a doctor you don't see me.  I did spend a few hours at my mom's last week but that was also insomnia related.   And it truly feels like nobody can help so it's getting harder to make my minimal efforts.  The doctor I'm allegedly going to see is a big deal.  My doctor is amazing and she respects him a lot.  But I have very little hope that he can do anything to help.  There are a few meds left.  There would be pulling Seroquel and starting over.  That terrifies me.  Mostly though if Dr. Brain feels she doesn't know what else to do I am pretty sure I've exhausted all normal options.

So, why is it YOUR fault? What is it you are failing to do? From over here, it looks like you are trying really hard. Harder than most anyone would try. The opposite of failing. No fault on you!

Thank you.  It feels like I'm trying hard but the effort goes into standing up and turning off the ceiling light; making simple foods; remembering my fluids.  I don't have the ability anymore to TRY and make my mood better, to TRY and leave the house for more than 5 minutes (post office), and not into doing things I'm supposed to do to help relax or to  make my body get well.

Trying to be a voice of reason,

I think you are.  I just can't believe it or anything particularly positive about my role in this anymore. I harrassed a sick person into emailing me.  I thought I was being assertive and desperate but now I feel terrible.  Everything is about me, me, me.  That's not how I believe in living.  Yet I look at my behavior and it is so self-centered and inward and it makes me hate myself even more.


I do know that the illness is causing me to feel this way.  I just no longer know exactly how to fight back and win and I've lost so much I no longer have confidence in my ability to do this.  My logic is leaving.  I was sure that I'd hear from Dr. Brain at the same time tonight as last night when I heard nothing all day.  Then I was disappointed as if she had promised to be in touch well, ever.  


I know she is not feeling well in all probability but I also feel like I'd be the patient she most would not want to get entangled with.  A phone call at this point would require 15-30 minutes of discussion.  An email can't really help.  That's especially true since I turn everything into a negative in my head.  I see that I do and I can't make it stop.  My brain is too engaged in the very basics.


I'm reaching the point that I hate my life so much.  I am not going to hurt myself, I just hate it.  I hate being me.  I had feeling bad.  I hate the treatments not helping.  I hate the side effects, like the inability to just really cry (last night as exception).  I hate knowing that somewhere a panel of people is discussing whether I should be able to keep my job.  And hating my life makes me feel I don't deserve it to improve.  There are so many worse circumstances in the world and I'm sitting her complaining because I'm immeasurably sad and anxious?  I have food.  I have family, weird though it is.  I'm not being mistreated.  I'm able to pay my bills and buy expensive meds.   And I don't care. Which makes me feel even worse.


See, B, you accidentally jumped into my crazy mind loop.  It never stops.  I can outwhine anyone.  And tomorrow will be just like today:  wait for a phone call that may not come with an appointment I pray is soon. It's possible that as Latuda leaves my body I'll feel better.  I am hoping for that although it is not really likely since it probably had no more than a placebo effect.  


Thank you for caring.

B.

9:10 PM 

no title in my head

Well, the jerk didn't decide to come back.  This is good, although I could use someone to yell at today.  It feels like I've spent half the day on the phone.  Something I ordered from Kohls on Black Friday got lost at their warehouse.  I learned a valuable lesson; they won't off things but if you ask you'll get them.  I got a new one shipped out with priority airmail delivery at the Black Friday price and no shipping cost.  I was on the phone 35 minutes to do that, but it's worth it.

I haven't heard about the 2nd opinion.  I have no idea when to expect to hear something.  I am hoping that stopping the Latuda tonight will stop some of the symptoms.  If not by Thursday I guess I try to find out from Dr. Brain because if he's not able to see me (and this is a very busy time for psychiatrists) then I'm going to make a case for admitting me.  If nothing is changing from today I don't know if I can make it through Christmas without being admitted.  I've said this a lot of times though and been wrong.  However at this point I need a psychiatrist and the thing that usually keeps me out of the hospital is Dr. Brain and she can't do that.

I spent time on the phone with the ombudsman about my recent stay.  I heard both doctor's responses; both defended themselves on minor points and ignored the major complaints.  I heard things like "anxiety meds are not good with encephalopathy".  I had encephalopathy?  Nobody mentioned that.  Nor did anyone mention that anxiety meds weren't good for me; I would have sucked it up then.  I declined filing a formal complaint because I can't imagine that any complaint from someone with a diagnosis of confusion is going to win against a head of a department.   Mostly the psychiatrist made everything out to be my fault.  He did admit to walking out while I was talking and attributed that to being busy.  But um, "ok, I understand your concerns.  I need to ask you some questions then we'll fix those concerns.  I have limited time today", although even that would be pretty crappy given how long doctors spent with my roommate.

The drawings are helping some.  I forgot that I like art therapy.  I think I have enough to keep us busy for 2 sessions though.I think we have 2 sessions worth on "I feel so guilty because everyone keeps trying to help and I am failing".

That's about it for today unless Dr. Brain gets in touch.

surprise

So it turns out that Dr Mind is right and drawing did help.  It kept me awake a lot longer than I should be, but that was crying too. Crying is good.  I need to do that.

Now if I could just draw that cat instead of a pictorial representation of my overwhelming guilt at not getting better, repeatedly spread over 14 months.

Finally Crying (but not because of the jerk)

I heard back from Dr. Brain.  Based on her writing she's having pain issues.  She's not even going to try this; she's sending me to someone else.  Which is fine, except that this was initiated then stopped 2 weeks ago and in the meantime she told me she could handle me while she's recovering and then she can't.  I do get to stop "Platituda" after tonight and if the other doctor can see me then his secretary will call to schedule.  I have no idea when that will be.  I feel awful because I have been sending emails every few days because of having no way of knowing if she was overwhelmed with emails and not getting them, not getting them period, or too sick to care.  I'm guessing too sick to care and that makes me feel horrible.  I wish she'd just had someone cover for her with me then I wouldn't feel so guilty now.  I mostly feel selfish and demanding.  She said nothing to imply this but the fact she answered the email I sent a few days ago says she's just now looking at email.  This whole 2nd opinion thing also feels weird. She told me it's not a bad thing, that if she doesn't know she sends people out and it's not a personal insult to her but just that she's looking for other ideas.  I feel like she feels I'm arguing with her and I think really it's that she needs someone to more closely supervise whatever happens.  I just have reached my limit and now I have new things to worry about.  I still kind of prefer my idea of admitting me and letting them do whatever, which she said a few weeks ago she would do if I wanted but she thought it could be done outpatient.  Thing is that I'm kind of really worrying myself now.

The biggest thing is I feel completely guilty because I am constantly needing something from someone.  Dr. Mind has to see me twice a week, which may be 3 times this week if I don't calm down and can get in.  Not what I want but this guilt thing may need to be discussed.  I'm seeing him constantly and saying the same things. Dr. Brain spent extreme amounts of time with me last week, like 4 hours plus had at least an hour of paperwork that had to be done for me and I still can't make it 10 days without her.  Again, constantly saying the same things.  And Dr. Body I'm constantly trying to verify things so I can stay physically healthy enough to have a clue how I am psychiatrically.  Even then in my confusion and fatigue I never thought to have him do neuro checks on me which would help know if the lithium is gone, assuming we knew what the initial results were.  I know some but not all of it and what I know was because I could tell  from being on the other end of the test.  I just feel like I have these people who are all willing to do so much for me and I keep demanding more and "that's not good enough".  And I basically know that is not true, except it is true in other ways.  I AM needy right now.  I have been very needy for a very long time.  And that's hard when you are the provider because you feel you've done everything why is nothing changing?  If I were my own patient I'd have to stop treating me for lack of progress.  I know they feel bad for me.  I also know they have to be frustrated.

The other reason I cried is somewhat dumb.  Remember when my mom's cat died?  Well, I had this great idea.  Several years ago I found someone on Etsy who does prints of pets.  I bought a generic of each of her dog breeds and they are perfect.  The person gained a lot of recognition since then and got expensive.  I was willing though to pay the money to have something really special.  The only problem was that I had a hard time finding pictures of Gypsy. I sent what I had to her and she said she could make it work.  Last week the print came and it was all wrong.  I felt horrible but I need this to somewhat resemble Gypsy, who was, well, this is Gypsy:

She was beautiful but complex.  Again, I brought this up.  And she said she could do it.  She had to totally restart with the proof because of the changes from last time.  She was a bit snotty about that.  Tonight she sent proof #2 with a notation that it's very hard to do this because of the lack of good pictures.  Hello?  I specifically asked about that.  And while clearly I don't expect accurate representation of her coloration she has her as black with beige/brown splotches.  Those need to be more caramel in color, and that wasn't fixed.  I am really upset because of the asking about the pictures thing and because I wanted this to work and I don't think it's going to.  I did speak up for myself, saying that I was a little confused why it wasn't a problem before she did it and reminding her that I'd even found pictures of similar cats to help with the redo, but essentially I spent a lot of $ and am not happy and probably am accepting this as is because I don't want to deal with her anymore.  She was snotty another time when I asked her what the status was.  Some auto-email that explained her process never was received and so she acted completely put out over that too.

This is especially hard because I miss her and wanted this to be a nice thing for my mom, not a "ha, look how I wasted my money because you'd have to squint to guess this is her."  I was planning to do this for my 2 cats but certainly will not be now.

So frustrations abound and that's before both my cats have been sick and my older cat is being really picky about eating, then misbehaves because she is hungry.  We have a regular smorgasboard going in there and I think she's ok now but scared she'll have eaten too much and puke again.

I am so tired and so overwhelmed.  I tried to apologize to Dr. Brain; it probably is even worse now.

My problem is that I do not want to be me.  Perhaps I'll draw that.  Dr. Mind has decided I don't draw enough.  The sad thing that I'm serious about drawing.  Whatever might work.

The wrong day to pick a fight with me you jerk

I got home a little bit ago after finding out that Dr. Body could find no reason for my feeling crummy, backed up by yet more labs (things to watch after toxicity), the need to go buy (this is actually ironic given what is coming here) some larger shirts because mine aren't fitting so well right now because the so-called "nearly weight neutral" med is not for me.  I desperately opened email, praying to have something from Dr. Brain.  No, instead I had numerous comments from a post from 2007.  Specifically, this post.  You'll have to follow the link, I can't summarize it well.

First, commenting nastily on a post from four years ago strikes me as having nothing nice to say and looking for something to attack.  Second, judge not lest ye be judged?  Third, if you (jerk) read on you might notice that as my meds were adjusted and I wasn't taking huge doses of meds that cause weight gain in nearly everyone who takes them I went on to lose all the weight that I was discussing in that post.  Fourth, before you attack someone, please know who they are.

You (jerk) obviously want a reaction.  Now, considering that I'm about ____________________ far from being suicidal and not much further from needing to be hospitalized for depression, I'm so glad you felt that picking on me would help.  Thank you.  You truly made my day.

So, since you obviously want reactions, you can have some.  Jerk.

so, why not make a lifestyle change? what about people who are healthy and take measures to take care of themselves? should we be destined to wear fat clothes because the majority of our society is fat? oh yeah, that makes sense. if you're fat, do something about it. stop blaming and complaining, it does nothing, and oh yeah, your fat will still be there. geez. i feel bad for all the kids suffering from child abuse at the hands of all these ignorant, lazy, fat parents. 

Had you bothered to read this blog you might have noticed it is about being bipolar.  I have difficult to stabilize bipolar and most meds to treat bipolar result in weight gain, often a great deal of it.  I eat healthily but my body's metabolism if affected.  This is clear that when I go on certain meds I gain weight and when I go off them I lose weight.  At that particular moment I was on about the worst combination of meds for weight gain I've ever been on.  That I did not gain MORE weight was impressive.  As for what I wrote it was mainly saying that I couldn't find clothes that fit because my body size didn't fit available sizes and that this seemed odd since I'm not the only person to be short and heavy.  If you read anything, jerk, you'd know that I live in an extremely rural area and don't have many options.  Our stores are also smaller than city versions and I have trouble finding short sizes even when I am a size 10.  Or 6.  I've been heavier or not depending solely on medications for a long time.  You assume I've always been heavy.  Until psych meds I was a scrawny 118 lbs.  Did I blame anyone?  No.  I do now point out that medications were to blame, but that's the simple truth.  Did I complain?  Only that I'd like clothes that fit.  As far as child abuse, let's talk child abuse, because this is where you become INCREDIBLY INSENSITIVE JERK.  I can't HAVE children because I was abused.  And if I were I would bring them up exactly as I was in terms of food:  I did not know candy existed until kindergarten.  I love and have since I could eat vegetables, fruit and lean meats.  My favorite food at age 3 was broccoli.  I was abused but I age healthily.  My weight has nothing to do with my parents, it has to do with medications, jerk.

EATING WELL AND BEING ACTIVE A LITTLE MORE THAN NEVER is found to have essentially no negative side effects. Maybe you should ask your doctor if {edited from profanity to say that perhaps you should ask a doctor about exercise} or you guys can continue to eat yourselves to death while waiting for some "magic" solution that fits your fast,cheap,easy American lifestyle. Obesity kills-- although it is an expensive way toward population control. 

I am quite likely to eat more healthily than you do.  I exercise and have a job that requires a great deal of physical strength and a high activity level, even more so back then.  The only magic solutions I seek are 1) better treatments for psych issues 2) clothes that fit.  What do you know of my lifestyle, you jerk?  Obesity kills a lot slower than suicide.  That's the reason it's better to take psych meds than and possibly die earlier than not taking psych meds.  For me at least, it's an individual choice.  One of my meds beats up my kidneys as well.  I may eventually die younger from kidney failure.  I know this and have made decisions accordingly and will continue to do so as needed.

Obesity screams lack of self-respect. And if people can't take care of themselves...well, survival of the fittest speaks for itself. It's not up to anyone else but yourself to decide how long you want to live. Oh let's scream genetics all day long-- DUH, YOUR LIFESTYLE CHOICES determine to a large degree HOW your genes develop. Quit coming up with excuses to make yourself feel better...that time should be spent figuring out how to take control over your life. 

If you are such an expert on this then why don't you have the self-respect to sign this series of nasty, out of the blue assaults?  Why don't you use your expertise to develop weight neutral psych meds that are well tolerated and effective?  The experts in these diseases have been trying without much success but I'm sure you are smarter than they are.  I never mentioned genetics.  Although I do have individuals who are overweight in my family, most are not.  I was not overweight in the slightest until psych meds, and I attribute my weight issues to my psych meds.  If taking meds to stay alive and able to contribute to society (versus sitting at a computer and being nasty to a stranger without reading background anonymously, you jerk) is a lifestyle choice, then yes, I've made one.  On the other hand we try hard to keep me on more weight neutral meds because I can maintain a healthy weight on the meds I'm on now but if anything is added that causes weight gain then I gain weight.  I do indeed determine how I live and I take much more control over my life than you are likely to do, you jerk, by taking meds that do have harsh side effects and don't always make me feel great.  I have no excuses.  My meds cause weight gain.  Most psych meds do.  I've been on nearly 50 of them over the years.  There are consequences. They are worth it.

So, jerk, you got your reaction.  You got it simply because perhaps someone else who is attacked like this can find support.  In the meantime, this blog is about bipolar disorder and if you care to contribute to that then do so respectfully and you are welcome.  Otherwise go away and don't come back.  Further comments will be deleted.

Oh, and good news.  Right now I am far too depressed and emotionally turned off internally for you to hurt me. So you didn't even succeed.  Now, I am going to turn around and try to get help for my psych issues.
Next time you attack perhaps you should check out the context of who/what you are going after.  Of course being perfect you have nothing that is out of your control in your life.  Right.  You jerk.