tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-210507132024-03-07T05:04:15.442-05:00Master of IronyEmerging...Just Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01085642883987294862noreply@blogger.comBlogger2232125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21050713.post-61414427441061697132017-01-01T21:56:00.004-05:002017-01-01T21:56:39.669-05:00The EndIt has been a year since I posted here. I waited that long to be sure that I was ready to stop. I am sure. Nearly 11 years ago I started writing here and I just don't think I have much more to add. I thought I might at some point because life is different now. I started Clozaril last February and am more stable than I've been in a long time. But when I started feeling better something happened that surprised me: I wanted to be more private and have felt that God has been leading me in that direction with a number of decisions I've made lately. I can't really explain it but blogging about my life is no longer attractive.<br />
<br />
I will leave the blog up. I've removed some posts and will continue to search for others that I don't want to have up forever. I am turning off comments after I post this. What I am leaving up is for archival reasons only; I do believe I have a story to tell but the telling is over at this point.<br />
<br />
Will I ever blog again? Maybe. If so it will be under a different name. Master of Irony is done.<br />
<br />
Thank you all for the support over the years. I'll miss you.<br />
<br />
Copyright 2006-2017 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com<div class="blogger-post-footer">All content published on this blog is copyrighted to www.masterofirony.blogspot.com</div>Just Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01085642883987294862noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21050713.post-2671769614463783142016-01-01T03:37:00.001-05:002016-01-01T03:37:30.135-05:002016 plans<div dir="ltr">I am sick with bronchitis and a sinus infection and while I'd been getting better tonight my breathing got a lot worse and I'm back to feeling like I did 3 days ago. And the treatments for that make me agitated so I guess I'll start 2016 out with an explanation of what is coming for me.<div><br></div><div>We gave lithium a shot. After my levels were drawn after a week on it I emailed Dr Brain twice asking if I could go up some since I knew my levels were very low since I had no side effects. Unfortunately she didn't get the emails and I forgot to call as well as sending the email. So when I saw her just before Christmas she at first seemed to be planning to try another month on lithium. Which was very much not what we had agreed to in November; at that time I'd said that I wanted to try lithium but if I wasn't doing better by the time I saw her it was time to just give up and do Clozaril because I'd taken about all I could. So because my moods are out of control I cried and had a very hard time explaining myself but finally did. And then she changed what she'd said about going on it.</div><div><br></div><div>Originally she'd said I'd start tapering the Seroquel and go to the hospital when I couldn't handle it and then they'd get me off and start the Clozaril. But this time she first started talking about doing it much more slowly at home with decreasing Seroquel while very slowly increasing Clozaril. But after we talked about that for a while she paused and said that the other option which would be very hard but which would allow monitoring and get the whole thing over faster (and would make the hospitalization definite instead of waiting for 6 weeks to see if I could make it) would be to go in and rapidly get off the Seroquel and then start the Clozaril. She said I'd feel horrible for a few days but then the worst would be over. I much prefer that to weeks of withdrawl (although I'll still deal with it for weeks anyway but the Clozaril will be kicking in faster to help with the mood part of it. Physically it can be pretty awful too. So I'm doing this with no real expectations of how I'll feel because it's not common to rapidly come off so much, but accepting that I am likely to have my moods everywhere (she told me that) and quite possibly I'll also be physically ill.</div><div><br></div><div>The plan at this moment is that she'll be back from a week off Monday and should get my current levels then. I think I'm supposed to call and tell her that it is still not working. She has contacted all the drs at the hospital since the dr on the unit I go to left and she didn't know who would be covering when I was admitted and they are changing off by week so really need some agreement about how to handle this anyway. So theoretically some plan has been developed and once she hears from me she'll tell them and I believe then we just wait for a bed to open up. I'm not completely clear on that but she did say she thought I'd go in between the 4th and 11th. I'm not holding my breath with those dates (ok, yes I am) because she gets distracted sometimes and coming back after being off for a week she'll be swamped but hopefully by this time next week I'll be in the hospital and feeling very ill. I just want this over with. I'm tired of feeling lousy (my sickness isn't helping and my family dr tells me this can last 3-4 weeks; the sinus infection is responding to antibiotics but the bronchitis is not and he says that's been common).</div><div><br></div><div>I hate the idea of going into the hospital with the need for breathing treatments and steroid inhalers. It won't help my mood while I go through this and it's a complete pain to deal with b/c the nurses aren't allowed to give the meds so respiratory therapy comes and it seems like it is always a bad time. Breathing treatments have to be done sitting in the hall while everyone can watch b/c of the tubing and need for an oxygen tank. Which is just weird and not something I want to do 3-4 times per day. But I learned the hard way not to stop the treatments until I am sure my lungs are clear. So we'll see.</div><div><br></div><div>Otherwise I'm just grouchy. My current diagnosis is severe mixed episode and that is the definition of grouchiness and mood swings. I'm all over the place and that was before the asthma treatments. I am usually mixed but don't get severe all that often. I think my supreme grouchiness and inablity to explain myself to Dr Brain led to that one. </div><div><br></div><div>Anyway, I doubt I'll update from the hospital because I'm going to restrict myself due to not necessarily being in control of what I'm saying. I'll try to post when I know when I'm going in. We'll see what happens when I'm there. I will get any comments posted though so if you want to say hi it would be appreciated although I won't be responding in all likeliehood so please don't think I'm rude. Just going through a lot, especially if this stupid bronchitis continues.</div></div> <div class="blogger-post-footer">All content published on this blog is copyrighted to www.masterofirony.blogspot.com</div>Just Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01085642883987294862noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21050713.post-11090438536718958652015-12-17T23:51:00.001-05:002015-12-17T23:51:15.574-05:0069 and 70<div dir="ltr">It's been a long time since I wrote here. Not much has changed. I've put in a lot of time waiting and hoping for samples of one of the new anti-psychotics but that didn't happen. I did not want to be in bad shape for Christmas when I knew it was probably going to be a rough one as my brother was recently sentenced. (Which is a whole other post in that he got off very easy and I've been very upset about this). It's another one that is a big change for everyone and my being extremely unwell or in the hospital wasn't going to help anyone. So the deal was that I added a very low dose of lithium to my meds (that's cocktail 69) and I see Dr. Brain Monday and we will plan for tapering off Seroquel/admission to complete that and go onto clozaril. <div><br></div><div>The reality is that I've done everything in my power to avoid the clozaril. It is supposed to be a very effective drug but can have some nasty side effects, the worst of which is death. So for 6 months you have to have bloodwork every week and you only get your week's meds after that bloodwork. Then it's every 2 weeks for 6 months and after that monthly. They are checking to be sure your immune system doesn't drop off, which has killed people. It also has excessive saliva causing nighttime drooling and potential bedwetting as side effects. You can imagine how exciting those things are. </div><div><br></div><div>I dread the whole thing. Coming off Seroquel will be hard. My body is used to it and has tolerance and there will probably be some withdrawl effects. Apparently I may also have to come off Klonopin and that will DEFINITELY have withdrawl. And while they will start the clozaril in the hospital it is a drug that you go up slowly on so Dr. Brain already told me I won't be feeling good when I come home from the hospital. </div><div><br></div><div>If things work on the schedule I have in mind (depends what Dr. Brain says; I'm trying to get a few more therapy sessions before I go and I think she's off for a week anyway) I'll definitely be spending my birthday in the hospital. </div><div><br></div><div>I will try to update when I know more but this is the current plan and there isn't anything that should disrupt it. We agreed in November that I could manage one more month and that was enough of this. And since I've been having hallucinations and some more extreme paranoia lately that's just another sign that I need to get onto an anti-psychotic that is fully working for me. I've handled this episode for 11 months. I think that is enough and obviously it's not going to be all better without drastic measures. So I will be glad to get through that part of my life. This is my 40th birthday and I want a small party (family) and so have already told my mom that I still want to do it but when I'm feeling better so maybe a birthday party in March. Please God let me feel better by March.....</div><div><br></div><div>Anyway, I have done a bunch of sewing tonight. My goal was to finish except for final touches one huge project and to cut out 2 small projects. I got the huge one done, just needs a seem fixed and something else fixed. I had a pattern all ready to cut out the other and my cat sat on it and got something gross on the pattern. So I really need to go crawl around on the floor and make another pattern so I can cut out the 2 doll blankets for the girls. I'm becoming very aware of how little time I have to finish my goals for sewing. I've done 2 enormous projects (patchwork picnic tablecloths) and both are ready for me to check seams, repair a couple places, wash and iron and wrap(yay!). So that's probably tomorrow. But I'm also making doll blankets for each niece and hope to make them a 2nd smaller blanket for tiny dolls they already got from their great-grandma (and b/c I bought fabric to make a blanket for the baby and then it wasn't enough so I need to use it somehow) and then I have to finish one pair of pajamas and make 2 more. So I have a busy week ahead. Which is good. I can't read a book or follow a movie but sewing is automatic and repetitive so I can do it and it feels a lot better than aimlessly reading the internet or playing solitaire which is the thing that I can do better than nearly anything else.</div><div><br></div><div> </div></div> <div class="blogger-post-footer">All content published on this blog is copyrighted to www.masterofirony.blogspot.com</div>Just Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01085642883987294862noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21050713.post-47216639986786663792015-10-04T02:41:00.001-04:002015-10-04T02:41:20.890-04:0068<div dir="ltr">I know I'm not posting here anymore but I need to. At the rate I've managed to shut this thing down maybe I'm not meant to do that. Although it is still the plan. When/if I ever feel better.<div><br></div><div>I feel so weird right now. For months I've been a depressed lump with no energy and nothing but sadness. As recently as Wednesday I felt that although I'd started laughing about once a day and was told my speech was improving I was just not getting better and all the bad things in my future plan with Dr. Brain were going to happen.</div><div><br></div><div>Then I honestly just let my junk food cravings take over. I've just been getting my appetite back and it's still limited to a few things and a lot of it was junk. Once I ate a bunch of junk I had more energy. Not surprising since I've had a lot more chocolate that I should and there's caffeine in that. Since I'm not used to caffeine enough crappy low-caffeine chocolate still seems able to affect me. So not good. But self-limiting as the candy will be gone soon and I'll be back to healthy food.</div><div><br></div><div>I don't even known if it's the food. I tend to think it is because this seems to be anxiety. I've gone fro not being able to stay awake to having trouble falling asleep yet have no other real signs of mania except a lot of fast thinking about what I'm worried about. I still am very low energy; a shower and getting dressed is a huge ordeal. So the depression continues to rage on. But it maybe is a little different. I'm not going further than that because in 10 months I've thought wrong too many times and I know perfectly well that the med situation makes really having something big happen not so likely.</div><div><br></div><div>The med thing is scaring me. I don't know what to do. I know that I am 100% maxed out on everything I'm taking. The next step logically is to try a tiny, tiny bit of lithium, mainly because the difference between this episode with its' psychosis and duration and the years of other episodes has been that I was always on lithium before. But because of my toxicities it will mean really watching closely for my level to go even close to a normal level. And I am concerned about taking away my ability to take advil as that's my best bet for most migraines when they start since they never start at home where I can take my triptan. Driving is my biggest migraine trigger and if I can't pop advils I'm going to be taking a lot of norco which isn't so great. We have to talk about that.</div><div><br></div><div>But if I don't try lithium then we're left with the 2 brand new anti-psychotics, neither of which is approved for bipolar depression and neither of which is necessarily the most ideal med for me. There are 3 others I haven't tried because 1 I did try but not long enough (Latuda), 1 interacts with Seroquel and one is the active metabolite of risperdal which causes my blood pressure to skyrocket. I keep wondering if I should find a way to shell out the several hundred dollars to get one month of one of those just to be sure before we get more drastic. After some trial time I could go on patient assistance if it worked. But I don't want to waste money if they are unlikely to work. I need to talk to Dr. Brain about that possibility.</div><div><br></div><div>And then there is ECT which I still don't know if I was accepted to do (and if this little boost of anxiety will negate that) or clozaril, the drug that requires weekly labs and can have some side effects ranging from annoying to deadly.</div><div><br></div><div>Or maybe I need to try to change Med D plans to one that covers another MAOI and just hang in there until January. If that's even possible. I can't price programs until the 15th. </div><div><br></div><div>I worry about money. If I am re-admitted to the hospital before Oct. 27 I don't have to pay a 2nd co-pay so if we are doing ECT or clozaril it is financially beneficial to choose that at my next visit in a couple weeks. But those are both enormous decisions. Which means that I probably will be delaying admission and my medical debt will be increasing. By a lot. Every admission costs about $1200 plus some assorted dr fees. ECT will have more although I'll just hit my medicaid spenddown and that will be the end of that. </div><div><br></div><div>I just feel like I am at a place where there is no good decision left. I've been on 68 cocktails now, without counting the hundreds of dose changes. It is reasonable that there is this looming NOTHING LEFT thing. That's been coming for years and we've barely stayed ahead. It sucks enormously that Medicare makes name brand meds so ridiculously expensive. If I get one month of one of the meds I've not been on that's more than 10% of my income gone just for one med. Granted if my hospital allowed samples it would work a lot better but still. Sick people should be able to get newer, better meds. Because in reality I still have meds I CAN try. But they are likely to just cause EPS all over again. Very likely. And I'm not willing to do that 8 or 10 more times just to have tried the remaining very old meds on my list.</div><div><br></div><div>I also feel like I'm running against the clock. In November SAD will hit. With nowhere to adjust my anti-depressant. Or mood stabilizers. My light helps but only if I'm stable enough for it to not trigger cycling and I don't know that it has ever taken care of the problem without med adjustments too.</div><div><br></div><div>I'm overwhelmed and yet I feel like I should be so happy because I'm not the same as I was Wednesday. But I'm not sure how much that word I'm not saying this is; it's maybe some but it's also maybe just being masked by anxiety. And possibly chocolate. (Which I've really not had that much of today, I'm exaggerating. Yesterday yes, I had way too much. Today, not that much).</div><div><br></div><div>There is so much I'm missing because of being sick. I haven't seen my older niece in well over a month. I NEED to see her. The baby I've seen but it's been several weeks and she has really started talking since I saw her. But it's hard because the older girl is in school all day every day now and getting up to go see her on weekends is so incredibly hard when I am this tired. Until earlier this week I was sleeping constantly. Then about Wednesday or Thursday I started sleeping a lot less but still have no energy for anything big. And she is noticing. The last time I saw her was right before I was hospitalized and she noticed both that I was sad and that I kept staring off into space. Which is a lot to explain to a 5 year old.</div><div><br></div><div>There's just so much. Dr. Mind keeps telling me I've been sicker. I'm sure that's true but treatment has never been so scary. And because I don't remember the other times it doesn't seem like this isn't as bad as it gets even though I have vague memories of other times that I was.</div><div><br></div><div>I just don't know what to do. I can't wait to see Dr. Brain again. But even she only has so many answers at this point.</div><div><br></div><div>Thanks for listening. Now maybe I can sleep without extra meds.</div><div><br></div><div>Happy. I remember feeling that once.</div></div> <div class="blogger-post-footer">All content published on this blog is copyrighted to www.masterofirony.blogspot.com</div>Just Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01085642883987294862noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21050713.post-14857780890631021282015-09-24T00:06:00.001-04:002015-09-24T00:06:01.722-04:00Current status<div dir="ltr">I haven't updated here in a long time and while I still intend to take this down the depression has to go first. So here's the story for now. Yes, I am still severely depressed. The hospital got my meds back to where they were when this episode started. It wasn't enough. After some confusion with Dr. Brain last week I saw her Monday. We have a complicated plan.<div><br></div><div>She contacted my inpatient dr. to see if I am a good candidate for ECT (shock therapy). I am rather hoping this is possible because it is something new and not medications. But there is still trickiness; we have to have some med to go on when the treatments are done that will hold me and keep me from just winding up back in the hospital for more ECT. </div><div><br></div><div>For right now we increased Emsam to the absolute highest dose. So now I'm on a strict MAOI diet which is weird after being able to be fairly lax with it for years. I'll know if that is helping in about a week, so about Monday. So far I've slept all day the last 2 days since increasing it. I don't think it's related. </div><div><br></div><div>There are 2 new anti-psychotics on the market and Dr. Brain is checking into whether one of them might be helpful. One of them I discovered last night has a high risk for the same problems I just got over so it's probably out. The other is a derivative of Abilify which I had problems with when I was on it years ago. So she has to figure out if the same risks exist for it. Getting off Seroquel is one plan because it doesn't seem to be as effective as it once was.</div><div><br></div><div>If all that fails then I will go in the hospital and come off Seroquel and go on the last resort medication, Clozaril. It's a big deal to go on that one; every week for 52 weeks blood has to be drawn and you get 7 days worth of medication after the labs are checked. So it's a big commitment just for that and some of the side effects can be scary beyond the one requiring the blood draws (which is that your immune system can tank and you can get really sick if not monitored). I am terrified of this drug but I'm also terrified of what it will do to me to keep trying and failing meds. That makes me feel so very hopeless.</div><div><br></div><div>So I'm not sure what else is going on. Dr. Brain thought she'd know about ECT yesterday to tell me but I didn't get an answer. So either the hospital dr. didn't answer her or she ran out of time because today was Yom Kippur and she'd be off work for that. I'm not even clear whether we'd go for ECT now or at what point in that plan we'd try that. I know she wants to avoid the side effects (memory loss) if we can treat this otherwise but it's no secret that there aren't a lot of options remaining.</div><div><br></div><div>So the status right now is increased Emsam and something else will happen soon.Which is a lot better than waiting to see if my body would stabilize itself after the hospital made a lot of changes really quickly. It did not. I understand why we had to do that but oh the wait was awful.</div><div><br></div><div>9 months of this. I don't even remember feeling good anymore. And now I need to go change my patches and set my alarm to see Dr. Mind tomorrow. Because I will forget and then everything blows up.</div></div> <div class="blogger-post-footer">All content published on this blog is copyrighted to www.masterofirony.blogspot.com</div>Just Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01085642883987294862noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21050713.post-92180218834703812432015-08-29T22:30:00.001-04:002015-08-29T22:30:07.357-04:00Loxapine the end<div dir="ltr">I got home from the hospital yesterday. I wound up with a fast taper of the loxapine. I spent 30 hours in the ER waiting for a bed (every psych bed in Cleveland Clinic was full) and getting meds Sunday night was tough and they only got 5 mg of the 10 I was supposed to have. Then Monday I didn't see a dr. for admission until midnight and the pharmacy was closed so I didn't get any. Tuesday we agreed to just end the taper even though it was a harsh ending.<div><br></div><div>I am still feeling very depressed but I no longer want to hurt myself. I'm home with the caveat that I might have to come back in. The dr. said I should expect depression for at least another week, possibly 2. My body has been through so much with the rapid loxapine withdrawl, a bunch of weirdness with my patch (it couldn't be changed for 60 hours with the ER and pharmacy being closed and then we were going to stop it and go to Nardil until I looked up what Nardil would cost out of pocket), increasing my Seroquel, etc. So I guess feeling good may take some time. In a few days my Seroquel can go back up and then I'll be on the same meds I was on when this started. That scares me but it will be easier to add something later if needed and I needed to get out of the very dark place I was in first. Adding another anti-psychotic isn't a good idea until loxapine's effects are gone.</div><div><br></div><div>My tongue is still moving weirdly but inside my mouth and there is no chewing motion unless I'm having spasms of the muscles in my jaw. So that's better and in a few more weeks the rest should be gone completely after the last of the drug really works its' way out of my body and my body chemistry has had time to level out. </div><div><br></div><div>So in time this will become my past and my present is taking care of myself the best I can and staying home instead of going back. (I have a well-earned horror of spending more time in the ER any time soon. I was there for an unusual situation but I don't ever want to do that again. It was as good as it could be but 30 hours in a psych ER is a tough thing. I no longer eat hamburgers because I had 2 of them cold and then refused to eat the 3rd. So instead I had ham sandwiches that caused migraines and I didn't even care.</div><div><br></div><div>Anyway, loxapine is over with.</div></div> <div class="blogger-post-footer">All content published on this blog is copyrighted to www.masterofirony.blogspot.com</div>Just Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01085642883987294862noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21050713.post-18492599971221349822015-08-22T01:22:00.001-04:002015-08-22T01:22:14.762-04:00Loxapine taper<div dir="ltr">I'm not handling this well. I have so much less medication in my body than it is used to because my antidepressant and Seroquel doses are lower too and at home I can't increase those while tapering the loxapine. The last week of the taper is now. I will be going into the hospital Sunday to get help getting through the taper and hopefully onto some meds to help the horrible depression that has hit very hard in the last 2 weeks or so.<div><br></div><div>More later.....</div></div> <div class="blogger-post-footer">All content published on this blog is copyrighted to www.masterofirony.blogspot.com</div>Just Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01085642883987294862noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21050713.post-15098221461026284112015-08-18T00:17:00.001-04:002015-08-18T00:17:52.332-04:00loxapine-the beginning of the end<div dir="ltr">Loxapine worked very well for me. Unfortunately it also isn't the right drug for me. I wish that it was going to work out but the end is near. I saw Dr. Brain today (after seeing Dr. Mind who was concerned enough to send Dr. Brain an email about me) and it's just not possible to stay on loxapine and so tonight I started coming off it. Not only am I still having oral motor movements I am also depressed now, enough to get an offer of the hospital which I decided to not take.<div><br></div><div>The oral movements just won't stop even with lowering both the dose of it and the dose of seroquel. Which means it is the loxapine causing it. This week I am taking 20 mg every other day and 10 every other day and then next week will be 10 every day just to be sure that I don't have no side effects and feel good on that. However it is very unlikely that will happen.</div><div><br></div><div>Since we have to know what changes the loxapine is making no other changes can be made until that it over. Which means I am facing a couple weeks of probably feeling pretty lousy. </div><div><br></div><div>I think that I'm going to get Dr. Mind to monitor the depression but I'm going to ask a question that came up at the end of the session with Dr. Brain and was only partly answered because we were over time and hurrying: if the hospital can expedite what I'm going through I will go to the hospital next week. This week I'm dogsitting and don't have anyone to step in for me. I'm ok for now but worried if it gets any worse. I don't want to go to the hospital but well, I've never been in the summer so might as well add to my collection? Or get better as fast as possible. This has gone on for 8 months now. </div><div><br></div><div>We don't know what med we'll try next. But if I fail one or two more I'll be going on clozaril which is the scary med. If I go on it for a full year I have to get blood drawn every week to be sure my WBC is ok. I only would get a week's worth of meds at a time and every week would have to have a new order until the next blood draw. And I'd have to get off Seroquel before starting it which would be ugly and has the word hospital all over it. It has potentially strong side effects but less likely to cause the things I've dealing with now. It is the med of last resort and nobody wants to see that happen but I need to be on a med that works and the trick with clozaril is that it often really works. I just don't want to be this close to having to take it.</div><div><br></div><div>And I am so tired....I've been sleeping 12-15 hours per day and today I had to get up for my appointments so I'm seriously tired yet not at all sleepy. Lovely.</div><div><br></div><div>So that's about the end of it.</div></div> <div class="blogger-post-footer">All content published on this blog is copyrighted to www.masterofirony.blogspot.com</div>Just Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01085642883987294862noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21050713.post-26752598349717975092015-08-11T23:20:00.001-04:002015-08-11T23:20:56.729-04:00Loxapine update<div dir="ltr">The last time I posted I was reducing my Seroquel dose because I was having uncontrolled oral motor movements. Unfortunately this continued and since Dr. Brain was on vacation I lowered my loxapine dose myself. Which didn't work and then my mom and Dr. Mind started worrying about my flat affect (basically appearing to have no facial expressions). So when Dr. Brain was due back today I left a message for her that it was continuing, I was concerned, etc. along with huge apologies because I know that it is awful when she comes back from vacation.<div><br></div><div>She called at 8:45 tonight, I think on her way home from work. We decided to try to keep the loxapine by adjusting Seroquel and Emsam if possible. So I'm lowering my Seroquel tonight and then will probably lower it again Thursday. I see her Monday and that will probably be the final decrease to half the Seroquel I was taking 2 weeks ago. </div><div><br></div><div>The trick is not bottoming out. So far the flat affect is over-medication but it can happen from depression too and that would not be good. So I have to be carefully watched for depression as I'm on less Seroquel but hopefully the same amount of medication overall.</div><div><br></div><div>There is no choice about this. I have to stop the movements or I could develop TD (tardive dyskinesia) which is permanent uncontrolled movements. No thanks. I'm less at risk because this is happening while on the meds and not while coming off them but it is still a risk and still needs to be alleviated. I have no desire to go through life visibly chewing nothing.</div><div><br></div><div>So it's a bit scary. But my mood is ok and that's a good thing. Some depression but there's fear and med changes involved and so it could be anything.</div><div><br></div><div>Off to buy my niece's 2nd birthday present.</div></div> <div class="blogger-post-footer">All content published on this blog is copyrighted to www.masterofirony.blogspot.com</div>Just Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01085642883987294862noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21050713.post-77826942307313833362015-07-30T23:20:00.001-04:002015-07-30T23:20:26.485-04:00Loxitane continued<div dir="ltr">It's been a few weeks since I wrote about the EPS. With Cogentin and valium I have pretty much eliminated the muscle pain. But I'm still having issues that may be deal breakers.<div><br></div><div>I went back to my normal dose of my Emsam (MAOI) last week and during dinner my face flushed deeply. I finally took my blood pressure and instead of my usual 103/64 it was 135/84 or something like that. It shouldn't interact but that is what an MAOI reaction looks like so it probably was and so I had to cut the Emsam back down to 6 mg. Which is fine now but won't be when SAD season hits and that is coming soon. But that was just something to discuss with Dr. Brain later. She wanted me to come down on the loxapine because I was still having muscle pain but because it was working I asked if I didn't complain until I saw her if I could stay on the dose and then in a month we had already planned to lower my Seroquel dose.</div><div><br></div><div>That seemed to be working until several days ago when I realized my mouth had movements that I couldn't control. Mostly my tongue is constantly moving (it stops if I think about it but starts before I even have it back in my mouth) and my jaws are making small chewing movements. I left it alone to see if anyone noticed from the outside and yesterday my mom did, from a distance. And since the inside of my mouth is getting pretty chewed up and visible oral motor movements are pretty much my one thing I won't tolerate (and I think it is a bad thing that must be stopped or it can turn into tardive dyskinesia, permanent uncontrolled movements) so I emailed Dr. Brain who said she doesn't want me to suffer with EPS and I can lower the Seroquel now and will start another med (ironically a blood pressure med) in a few weeks if this doesn't calm down. I know what the reality is; I'm getting close to failing this drug. I'm terrified of that; the other typical anti-psychotics are not pretty. Loxapine hasn't been bad except for the EPS which is just something I'm more prone to getting for whatever reason. But hopefully lowering my Seroquel fixes my brain chemistry and everything will be fine again. Dr. Brain is on vacation so if it isn't then I'll be dealing with another dr which I dread the idea of. </div><div><br></div><div>So, for now, great drug, big problems handling it. Very disappointed because I am feeling better and hate the idea of losing that.</div></div> <div class="blogger-post-footer">All content published on this blog is copyrighted to www.masterofirony.blogspot.com</div>Just Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01085642883987294862noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21050713.post-50260894652692239222015-07-14T01:33:00.001-04:002015-07-14T01:33:51.395-04:00Loxapine updateI have been on loxapine for about 5 weeks now. I really like it. It is so different than Seroquel; it's not super sedating, it doesn't make me crave carbs (the opposite in fact), it works fast and then is out of my system, and I'm not aware all the time that I've taken it. It is weird that I can feel it in my system through the time I've taken it until it is at peak concentration 4 hours later (the side effects are present then and then dissipate); I've never had a drug I could feel like this. I am on 20 mg and we're aiming for 30-40 mg to be my dose we hope. 20-60 is normal. Normal dosing is divided and I am taking it all at once because I'm not good at taking meds more than once per day and I have Seroquel to keep things level during the day so just having the added meds/sedation at night is better.<br />
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There is one problem and that is that I am having some EPS (extra-pyramidal syndrome). Essentially there is more of some of the brain chemicals than my brain wants and this is the reaction. You have to be really careful with this reaction because it can lead to some scary and permanent issues or a situation where the vitals become unstable and dangerous. I've had it before on drugs much less likely to cause this so it was kind of expected; I had a prescription for treating it from the day I started the loxapine. The problem was that I missed what was going on. In the past EPS has been uncontrolled oral movements (my tongue flicking in and out like a snake all the time) or akasthesia which is the feeling that you have to move all the time without stopping. I was hospitalized with that a few years ago and was afraid that would happen again since I've had it on a few drugs. So far so good though.<br />
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What did happen was muscle rigidity. My body has just HURT for weeks. I kept explaining it away though; my back hurt from bending over my sewing. My legs and feet hurt because my shoes weren't right. My jaw hurt from grinding my teeth. Etc. And then suddenly Friday I realized that I wasn't just in pain my muscles were tight. So I took some extra klonopin and nearly immediately things relaxed. I took a big dose of valium that night and most of my pain has been gone since with a little more valium or klonopin when needed. My jaw is still very sore and the muscles are kind of spasming.<br />
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I saw Dr. Brain today and she did a test and so we have a baseline to watch and she changed meds around. I started Cogentin tonight, which is a med that helps with the rigidity and any other movement disorder symptoms I might get. I'm going to be changing my nighttime benzo to valium if I can find a dose that gets me to sleep but doesn't knock me out so that I get the benefit of that too since it also treats the EPS. And I'll monitor and we'll watch and wait and hopefully the Cogentin will fix things and I'll be tolerating this well and without pain. I sure wish I'd realized that the pain was this before it got to my feet. That hurt so much and I kept putting the blame on my shoes because I'm still working on finding shoes that I like and that meet my very picky requirements for shoes right now with the ankle still recovering. They must be supportive, have a thin sole so I can feel stones and things that I step on, have a wide toe box, and look ok to wear in public. It's hard to find shoes that meet these requirements and so when I thought I'd found a pair a month ago I was thrilled and then when they started hurting so much I thought I'd wasted another chunk of money on shoes I couldn't wear. But I was wrong and so glad to be.<br />
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Now I just have to get all the med changes done in the next few days while still maintaining the schedule I had set up ahead of time. I have to not be too sedated but be sedated enough. That's a fine line I do not enjoy dealing with.<br />
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Copyright 2006-2015 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com<div class="blogger-post-footer">All content published on this blog is copyrighted to www.masterofirony.blogspot.com</div>Just Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01085642883987294862noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21050713.post-42880827536219898972015-06-24T22:25:00.001-04:002015-06-24T22:25:06.044-04:00Good thing my favorite color is green<div dir="ltr">I still am liking loxapine. But I had the dose increased and I am so nauseous for several hours every night. It keeps me awake although I'm still asleep much earlier than before I started it. <div><br></div><div>When I was initially on it the nausea passed after a few days so hopefully tonight will be better than last night. I am not about to give up on this because it is working. But it really is hard to take it knowing that I'll feel bad afteward. I take it with food and last night tried taking it with MORE food but that didn't help. I'm only on 20 mgs which is a tiny dose. But it will work out.</div><div><br></div><div>I also finally figured out, I think, why I was so much worse this episode with psychosis. I've never had a bad episode since diagnosis without lithium. Last year after I was toxic and had to stop it I had an episode that responded quickly to a Seroquel increase and then I had a long time I was grieving/just sad about my brother but I hadn't had a bad episode that didn't respond to immediate med changes in a while. This was the biggest difference in anything that I'm aware of so I'm pretty sure that it is connected. Lithium always was good at helping me, I just had too many toxicities. I guess it did even more than we knew. I'm anxious to talk to my drs about this.</div><div><br></div><div>But that is over at least. No psychosis for almost 2 weeks now and that is a blessing I hadn't truly understood before. Before now psychosis has been intermittent and inconsistent and this time it was everything but those things. Loxapine seems to have squelched it though even with my tiny dose. So hopefully 2 antipsychotics makes up for no lithium although I suppose I won't know this until I have another episode. The depressed phase of this one has hit so probably another couple of months before I'm over it fully.</div><div><br></div><div>I'm still not back to life as usual, mainly because of nausea and sleeping off the new dose of medication. But it will get there eventually and I'm glad for that.</div></div> <div class="blogger-post-footer">All content published on this blog is copyrighted to www.masterofirony.blogspot.com</div>Just Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01085642883987294862noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21050713.post-66923097319481217282015-06-17T00:37:00.001-04:002015-06-17T00:37:41.554-04:00Loxapine<div dir="ltr">I know it's been forever. It's been just too much to write with the paranoia, the agitation, the hallucinations, the sleeplessness.......I was in a very, very scary place for a while. It was so bad that Dr. Mind told me I should go to see Dr Brain prepared to be admitted. He has been really worried about admissions and that's come up a lot the last while.<div><br></div><div>Last week I started a new med. It is actually a very old anti-psychotic. Almost nobody uses it anymore and it's hard to find anything about it on the internet. Most of what is out there just says the same thing that is written about all old antipsychotics. But occasionally you find that this one is a little different in that it turns into a kind of antidepressant (but not something exactly accepted as an antidepressant) on the way out so it has an antidepressant effect and Dr. Brain felt I needed that. I was scared of it because old antipsychotics can be really scary and this one that nobody uses seemed especially scary but I am actually loving this med. It's improved my sleep (I need a dose increase and sleep will be much better), it has stopped the psychosis as far as I can tell (nothing for several days but I've not been out of the house much), and I've lost 3 lbs in a week because it takes away my appetite. I'm on 10 mg and you can go up to 250 so it also has a ton of room to grow.</div><div><br></div><div>So the risk of hospitalization is down to low again barring some weird problem and I'm feeling so much better than a week ago that I don't have words to describe it.</div><div><br></div><div>I still plan to take most entries on here down but I'm not really at the place where sitting and doing that sounds like fun. I am going to keep some posts up and leave posts about loxapine up because I'd like to help someone else looking for anything about this drug besides the same generic profile.</div><div><br></div><div>So that's my story.</div></div> <div class="blogger-post-footer">All content published on this blog is copyrighted to www.masterofirony.blogspot.com</div>Just Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01085642883987294862noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21050713.post-83801349204777153382015-05-30T23:22:00.001-04:002015-05-30T23:22:20.728-04:00Not gone yet<div dir="ltr">I'm not gone yet. I'm just unable to write at the moment. I can but it takes forever and I make a lot of mistakes trying to make sense. So I'm not doing it much.<div><br></div><div>I'm not well enough to do anything with the blog just yet. Right now it is a fight to stay out of the hospital. I've had so many times I've had to fight symptoms and do things but it turns out you can't control psychosis. And I have psychosis. Dr. Mind is pretty concerned.</div><div><br></div><div>I'll be back at least once more. Who knows maybe I'll stay. I doubt it but I have had so much horribleness going on that I can't make decisions.</div><div><br></div><div>Thank you again for the kind comments and understanding.</div></div> <div class="blogger-post-footer">All content published on this blog is copyrighted to www.masterofirony.blogspot.com</div>Just Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01085642883987294862noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21050713.post-6388529748929457562015-05-15T22:35:00.001-04:002015-05-15T22:35:33.777-04:00Changes<div dir="ltr">I have had a lot of time to think lately. I'm still not sleeping very well although I am responding to my meds and doing better slowly. Right now the big issues are that I always get manic in June so I need to get stable and hopefully avoid that and I'm still not tolerating my antidepressant except at a very low dose so I am at risk of crashing hard although everyone is watching to hopefully catch that if it starts. I hate the side effects of the very high dose Seroquel (it makes it so that I have a great deal of difficult urinating and that is quite painful unless I wait until my bladder is so full there is no choice which is also not comfortable, plus I just don't feel good on it.) But it is helping and my mind is slowing down enough to think. I'll catch up on emails soon, I promise. I saw Dr. Brain and once samples have been obtained (it's a process due to Cleveland Clinic policies) I'll be trying Latuda again. I am hoping that it can take some of the need for Seroquel away and that I might get down to a dose that gives us options if I get sick: raise Latuda or raise Seroquel. Raising Seroquel is simply not an option I can tolerate any more of. So hopefully adding a little more medication will help me function better without a lot of bad side effects. I tried it once before without side effects but I was such a mess at that time I didn't give it a fair trial. <div><br></div><div>I've also made a decision. I have been blogging for 9 years and 5 months exactly as of today. I think at this time I have said everything that I am going to have to say that is new and different. I've loved blogging, it is great to share a story and press a button and know that people everywhere might be reading it and that maybe I've helped someone. But that's 25% of my life. There will always be ups and downs and episodes but they aren't going to change much. Therefore if this blog isn't boring already and I think it is, it is certain to become so. There will be family issues but honestly I'm not comfortable posting them online, especially with the nature of what is coming up in my life. And so I am going to end this blog. It will be sometime within the next 2-4 weeks and my plan is to take down all but a few posts. Those will be left for anyone who stumbles into it to see and I will keep writing but not actually posting anything new.</div><div><br></div><div>I've appreciated all the support I've gotten over the years and it has meant so much that you have come and shared my mixed up, difficult stories, whether for a month or for years. I hope that you will consider emailing me from time to time. I don't check that email account all the time but would love to see more than junk mail when I do. I haven't gotten to know many of you over the years and would feel privileged to have that chance. At the same time I totally respect your privacy as I hope I always have.</div><div><br></div><div>I will miss this. But it's just time to move on. I've posted less and less in the last year with the only change being when I have felt bad and that's no fun to read. I suppose there is always a chance I'll come back. But I think my time is about up here.</div><div><br></div><div>More information to come as I figure out exactly what I'm doing, what I'm leaving up and how obnoxious it will be to get to the point that I am down to only those posts.</div><div><br></div><div><br></div><div><br></div><div><br></div></div> <div class="blogger-post-footer">All content published on this blog is copyrighted to www.masterofirony.blogspot.com</div>Just Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01085642883987294862noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21050713.post-83560828140006854162015-05-03T02:59:00.000-04:002015-05-03T02:59:14.113-04:00Still here<strong>This blog will be going private at an updated date of June 1, 2015 depending on my mental health stability at that time. Please watch here for details.</strong><br />
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I am still here. Still struggling. Mostly it isn't quite as bad. Sunday night I got 75 minutes of sleep so my mom took me to see Dr. Mind. Since then I've been getting enough hours of sleep although sometimes a little broken up. One day I thought I was starting to get depressed, which will happen eventually because I'm on so little antidepressant but by that night I was manic again. It's frustrating. But it is not as severe as it was and the psychosis is gone which is really good. I did increase my Emsam last night so I'm not sure how tonight is going to go. So far not looking great but I had a migraine today and slept a lot so that may be the cause as well. I do seem to be almost at the point for my 2nd dose of valium. <br />
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Not a lot going on. I sprained my $50,000 ankle Friday which was scary. It seems to be ok but is still a bit sore. I may wind up going to see the surgeon just to be sure I didn't injure anything. I didn't do anything except take a step backwards on even pavement so what happened is a bit of a mystery but it turned under just like it used to which was bad.<br />
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I've been through a lot of stress with my Anna cat. She had UTI symptoms and had pulled out all the hair on her belly to the point of having skin damage. So she went to the vet Monday and despite my better judgment I let them do a bladder tap. Something in that process hurt her arthritis and she screamed and screamed. I wasn't in the room but it was awful. After that she just shoved her head in my armpit and wanted me to hold her that way. My back is still sore. So she got antibiotics shot for both the skin and urinary infections and I was told that usually she'd get a steroid shot but her kidneys really couldn't handle it and if we have to do that I'd have to accept it was quality of life over quantity and keeping her last months comfortable. This became completely ironic since I got her home and the first night she let me hold her and calm her. After that for days she cried if I picked her up. And being held hurt her a lot. So I called and asked for pain medicine yesterday. Her vet (who I'm not so sure about anymore after the horrible bladder tap; I think she is very young and it is hard to accept that I'm letting death occur naturally without a lot of intervention when intervention is available but not right for my cat) had given me this glucosamine stuff to sprinkle on her food but she avoids that food. The other vet looked at her chart and said she'd have to have labs before she could have that medicine. Before I realized that the medication in question was glucosamine I had done a search and found grain free glucosamine treats for her. And I did a ton of reading and don't know why the other vet was worried about her kidneys as there is little evidence of a problem if any really. Plus she is not going to hurt. So the treats will be given without guilt. She's really much better today and yesterday. The wound is healing, she has climbed on my bed to wake me to feed her, I can pick her up and she purrs. I am so relieved; I was afraid this was the end. But Anna isn't going to give clues. We've been down the "almost time" road before.<br />
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The other thing the vet wanted me to do was give her Advantage. The other cat is very allergic to fleas and is on it. If there were a single flea in this house I'd know from him. Plus Advantage says to not give to sick cats or cats who have had seizures, both of which are Anna. The vet probably doesn't know about the seizure as it was many years ago and she felt it was safe but I decided not to do that unless I find a flea or evidence of one. <br />
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And that's been my week. Cycling, mania, exhaustion, and anxiety over the cat. Also Medicaid but I'll spare you that story aside from it would be SO NICE if calls were returned. Granted they finally did try after my 3rd message in a month but I missed it and they didn't leave a message with the answers. And then they didn't answer when I called back and didn't return my call. So I have no idea if I have Medicaid or not right now. Lovely.<br />
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Copyright 2006-2015 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com<div class="blogger-post-footer">All content published on this blog is copyrighted to www.masterofirony.blogspot.com</div>Just Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01085642883987294862noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21050713.post-32524454997751226702015-04-26T02:44:00.001-04:002015-04-26T02:44:26.808-04:00Update<div dir="ltr"><b>The blog will probably not go private May 1. I still intend to do that but before I do I want to find a way to merge the MOI Med List blog with this one and right now I don't feel well enough to figure out anything. But it will go private so watch here for updates. Maybe the new goal should be June 1, just to keep that easy to remember? </b><div><b><br></b></div><div>So a lot has changed. I talked to Dr Brain and because I needed something immediate and I can't afford even a week of Latuda (it would be about $200 for 7 days) that's not going to work right now. So she increased my Seroquel to 1500 mg, an incredibly high dose. However she says I can stay on it that way for some time if I need to. I'm also back on valium pills because she thought maybe the alcohol base for the liquid was causing problems.</div><div><br></div><div>So far I've gotten between 5 and 8 hours of sleep each day. It's never been consecutive but usually I wake up for a while and then take a nap. I'm much less sedated than I expected which is probably how strong the mania is. </div><div><br></div><div>IT is working somewhat. The better sleep is really good and really important. Dr Brain said that's the thing to worry about right now. Tonight is a bad night and hopefully soon I'll be calm enough for my 2nd dose of valium. Last night I didn't need the 2nd dose at all. The voices are quieter now although my thoughts are still racing terribly. I usually wake up feeling quite depressed and by afternoon am manic and it increases until I pass out.</div><div><br></div><div>I was completely off Emsam for 3 days. I put 1/3rd of my usual dose on tonight and will wear it 12 hours then it will be off 12. We're doing that very cautiously as I don't need added agitation but I don't need to crash into depression.</div><div><br></div><div>Right now I'm safe from the hospital if I keep improving. That is very good. I was pretty scared that was coming. </div><div><br></div><div>It's still really hard. This is the worst I've felt in a long time. It's so hard to function at all like this. But I am getting some sleep and am not totally knocked out so that's good.</div></div> <div class="blogger-post-footer">All content published on this blog is copyrighted to www.masterofirony.blogspot.com</div>Just Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01085642883987294862noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21050713.post-57730909186917578902015-04-22T02:48:00.001-04:002015-04-22T02:48:23.881-04:00Getting worse<div dir="ltr">I'm on more valium now and getting less sleep. I'm more manic than I've been in years. I'm mixed as usual really but the mania is so bad that it's all I know most of the time. Last night I pretty much didn't sleep. I dozed through the morning (interspersed with awake times) and then slept 2.5 or 3 hours this afternoon. I woke up wired and am still wired at 2:30, an hour after the valium. I actually probably wasted my chance in a way because I was too agitated and got up and cleaned a bit. It's almost like the valium is adding to the agitation although I don't think it really is.<div><br></div><div>I'm trying to get hold of Dr Brain to see if I can try Latuda again. I tried it a few years ago and felt it helped for a bit and then didn't. But I was SO SICK then, just off a lithium toxicity where the hospital messed up all my meds, I was starting to come to terms with not being able to work anymore, I'd tried to go back and failed, I was suicidal, and Dr. Brain was off work and not there to bolster doses or whatever might have helped. Latuda is a really good drug for a lot of people and certainly the safest add-on left to me.</div><div><br></div><div>But first I have to get to Dr. Brain. I sent an email with a fairly desperate subject line and she didn't answer. Maybe she's off work, maybe she didn't get that far in her emails, who knows. So now I have to call her secretary and have her tell her that I'm in bad shape.</div><div><br></div><div>The only way I can do Latuda is patient assistance and I'll have to have an exemption b/c I have Med D. Usually that's not a problem as long as I send a letter explaining the cost of the drug versus my income. But it does mean that if we agree on this it will still be a week or so before I have any. I can't imagine another week of this but I guess that's a bridge to be crossed later. Maybe I can buy a week's worth or something.</div><div><br></div><div>Overall this is just bad. Even my mother commented that she's afraid I'll wind up in the hospital. So am I. Everything is upside down and horrible. I should be seeing Dr. Mind again this week, I know I should because I honestly can't tell if my thoughts are THAT fast or if I'm hearing some voices mixed in. I think it is voices mixed in because rapid thoughts aren't usually mean to me. Voices are. I forgot to call to try for tomorrow. Thursday I'm going to see my brother and that's more important. I feel urgent about that so I'm going with that feeling. And they are closed Friday. So Monday it will be. </div><div><br></div><div>I am perseverating on avoiding the hospital. It's a hard place to be when manic and I don't want to add the cost onto my medical bills from my surgery, a big chunk of which is still going through the system. Medicare is being obnoxious. They've paid for anesthesia and PT but not the surgery that came between the two. They've paid for casts but not the surgery that required them. It's bizarre.</div><div><br></div><div>I just want to go to sleep and wake up feeling good. Somehow I think that's unlikely.</div></div> <div class="blogger-post-footer">All content published on this blog is copyrighted to www.masterofirony.blogspot.com</div>Just Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01085642883987294862noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21050713.post-7061583678256237372015-04-20T22:02:00.000-04:002015-04-20T22:02:00.928-04:00Been a while<strong>This blog will be going private around May 1, 2015. Please read here or email at <a href="mailto:masterofirony@gmail.com">masterofirony@gmail.com</a> for details. I will post details before going private although that may be delayed due to severe episode.</strong><br />
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Sorry I haven't been on in a while. Things are really bad. I'm in a full-fledged mania with so many thoughts racing through my mind that trying to get words out and to make sense is very hard. I've not had much sleep and went 39 hours with only 1 hour of sleep one day last week. <br />
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I am using 2/3 of a patch each day to try to decrease agitation and have liquid valium to allow precision dosing of that. The stuff tastes terrible and so far hasn't done a thing. Tonight I'm going to increase my dose by a tiny amount. I got the script Monday but didn't get the med until Friday because it needs prior authorization by my insurance. That still hasn't come through but I just paid for it because I needed it badly and it wasn't much more than I'd pay with insurance anyway. It so far has not gotten me to sleep any earlier although it works just like the tablets were and eventually it knocks me out so that I sleep into the day and that just makes it harder to get up the next day. <br />
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I'm really barely functioning right now and am beginning to fear that a hospital stay is in my future. I know Dr Brain has one more med tweak to try (Depakote, a drug I loathe, but only a tiny dose she promises.....I know how that goes though. It doesn't work at low doses so we try it and I wind up on a ton because that's what it takes to work at all. I'm really opposed to that but there are few options). After that I don't know what happens but it's not something good.<br />
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I hoped this was all exacerbated by my thyroid. I had all the symptoms. But it's fine. Apparently complete exhaustion and hypothyroid share a lot of symptoms. Still waiting for the rest of my bloodwork but it shouldn't show anything relevant.<br />
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I don't know how to make my head stop being so loud. It feels like my head is stuck in a very loud barrel. I'm not reacting normally to things. Something actually said I'm just numb. A commercial makes me cry. There is no logic or even any explanation for how my mind is working now.<br />
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So that's about it. I'm feeling pretty horrible, trying to remember I've survived this and worse before and utterly failing. So tired I can't explain it. And feeling like a robot who needs to take her pills so she's ready to take nasty liquid valium in a couple hours. When it probably won't work but at least it's a try. I hate that this stuff isn't working like it used to. It's made agitated times so easy in the past; I took it, slept about 8 hours and was fine. This time it seems to think it is a sleeping pill and sleeping pills do nothing but upset me.<br />
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Copyright 2006-2015 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com<div class="blogger-post-footer">All content published on this blog is copyrighted to www.masterofirony.blogspot.com</div>Just Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01085642883987294862noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21050713.post-88279411215578100912015-04-10T00:59:00.002-04:002015-04-10T00:59:55.290-04:00Tears, toes, and MedicaidFirst, I should have been more specific about my inability to cry here. It's not my mom. It's me. I apparently need 30 miles between us to just cry. I can't say that I'd cry at all when she might come over or call me but she goes to bed at 8 or 9 and I can easily cry then. And even when it's earlier I keep my door locked because we have a lot of drug related crimes and it is safer so she isn't going to get in without my letting her in. She respects my privacy, I just can't seem to settle completely into "this is home" mode. I think I'm afraid of that in my own way; I think that if I get too comfortable here something will happen to my mom and I'll have to move on. That's the danger of living with an aging relative; hopefully she'll be healthy for another 30 years but she's not young anymore. After our community just lost a young person who was so special it's hard to not think about that. I also tend to shut down when I'm in a bad place because I get afraid if I cry I won't stop or that I'll wind up in trouble. Dr. Mind can help fix this. <br />
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Toes....I just broke a toe on the foot that is recovering from surgery. I broke one pretty close to where the tendons I had repaired attach so I have to watch this one. It was so stupid, I tripped over an ironing board I should have taken down 2 days ago and snap. I'll tape it tomorrow; just before I did it I had put a ton of Burt's Bees foot crème on it and it is very greasy right now.<br />
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Medicaid is about to become the recipient of my mixed episode. I think I mentioned that an address change wasn't done so all my paperwork wasn't received in time to meet the deadline for updating. I sent everything in but too late so I started re-applying. Last night I went to finish the application and it was gone. Today I called my caseworker but you never actually reach them so I left a message. In the mail I had a list of documents received like they are using those for the re-application and I may have wasted the hours I've put into getting together esoteric information like every savings account I have that has $.41 in it, the payoff amount from my house sale, my back-pay from SSDI 3 years ago, etc. So I'm pretty annoyed. I really hope the caseworker calls back or my annoyance is going to grow a lot. At least this one doesn't say on her message to not call her back under any circumstances; that was the friendly greeting from my prior caseworker. But if I'd done that work and it is lost and I have to redo for a 3rd time I'm going to loose it. That's hard to do once, much less 3 times.<br />
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Today was a little bizarre here. We had several enormous storm systems and got 4 inches of rain in 24 hours, 1.25 inches of that within one hour. Flash flooding was an issue (we are on a big hill so are fine but it can be a huge issue around here) and we still have more storms coming tonight.<br />
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I'm tired. I hope that means sleep. It would be really good if it did because I've had a patch on and changed it tonight. I need the patch and I need sleep. The combination of both would be marvelous.<br />
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Copyright 2006-2015 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com<div class="blogger-post-footer">All content published on this blog is copyrighted to www.masterofirony.blogspot.com</div>Just Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01085642883987294862noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21050713.post-84013987206940879882015-04-09T02:13:00.002-04:002015-04-09T02:13:55.563-04:00Revelation<strong>This blog will be going private May 1, 2015. Please watch this space for details or email me at <a href="mailto:masterofirony@gmail.com">masterofirony@gmail.com</a> and when I have organized the password I will send it out. Don't worry if I don't respond immediately; I'll do it all at once when this is complete.</strong><br />
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I finally realized today that it is possible part of the reason I feel like I'm on the verge of falling apart isn't just because I'm tired, it's because I've been pushing myself to keep it together the entire time I've been living here. For almost 2 years I've kept a "public face" on most of the time. I cry but I don't let myself cry like I am depressed. I am letting so much build up inside and then I wonder why I feel so flat.<br />
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This is something Dr. Mind and I are going to have to work on. It used to be that I at least cried with him but now I'm not even doing that. And I think I need to cry. I need to say good-bye to my professional life now that this has become a more real situation and I need to say good-bye to other things I have lost because I had to lose my career. I need to feel sad and I'm refusing to do that. Anxious, yes. Hypomanic, yes. Exhausted, yes. But sad, that I refuse to do. <br />
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Dr Mind and I have been talking about my need to keep people happy and not complain or push and potentially annoy someone and that I sometimes need to push a little more. I've gotten worse at this since I moved here, I think because I find it hard to push at my mom when she financially is helping so much. But my mom having free reign over my life isn't good and my feeling like I can't cry in my house because she is next door isn't good. I have a list going of times I should have pushed at people lately and the biggest is Dr Brain; I didn't want to pester about getting in sooner yet I needed to be seen sooner and someone needed to acknowledge the request even if it were impossible. I am planning to ask her how to handle this next time so that she knows it happened this time and so I do know what do in the future, but it really bothers me that she potentially didn't pay attention to an email about this when I have never asked to see her sooner in 12 years. There have been times we've moved appointments up but that has always been based on email or phone conversations. I've never asked just because I wasn't doing well.<br />
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I don't know. I finally realized today that I am not only feeling bipolar I am also feeling hypothyroid. So I sent an email to Dr Body asking for labs to be drawn. Hopefully that will happen in the next day or two. It would be wonderful if there is a physical reason for some of this. My synthroid hasn't been adjusted in years so it would be a little surprising for a change to happen but anything is possible and I think when the bipolar gets going that it can have complex effects on the entire rest of the body.<br />
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Anyway, I think I'm a little tired. We'll see how that works but I'm going to quit doing things that aren't going to help me relax, like writing.<br />
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Copyright 2006-2015 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com<div class="blogger-post-footer">All content published on this blog is copyrighted to www.masterofirony.blogspot.com</div>Just Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01085642883987294862noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21050713.post-35041085851413080072015-04-08T02:36:00.000-04:002015-04-08T02:36:18.693-04:00What goes up.....<strong>This blog will be going private May 1, 2015. Watch this spot for details or email <a href="mailto:masterofirony@gmail.com">masterofirony@gmail.com</a> and I will contact you when have things set up. Don't worry if I don't acknowledge the email immediately; I'm saving them all for when I know what to do. Thanks.</strong><br />
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Last week I got a few nights of sleep. This was related to just taking my patch off and leaving it off for several days then wearing it only every other day. Once my levels started to go back up sleeping got a little more difficult. I'm concerned about not getting enough anti-depressant (and questions to Dr. Brain went unanswered although partly probably because I thought Dr. Mind had emailed her as he said he was going to so I wasn't as detailed in how bad I feel as I could have been and when I tried to move my appointment up she and her secretary were off and the person filling in said she'd do.....something........but nobody followed up so I guess something wasn't much. And I made bad decisions about not pestering.) So everyone has had some failures here and I still have no idea how to keep my Emsam levels lower without plunging them too low and I'm completely frustrated that I've been trying to find out for 5 weeks and everyone fell through on me. But I see Dr. Brain Monday so I just have to live a few more days and I think Dr. Mind was going to email although I have no real idea as that conversation got weird and went off on a tangent and I'm not sure he heard me say it was ok to do it.<br />
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Anyway, once I got Emsam in my system I quit sleeping again. And so this is day 3 that I've been up all night, although I have gotten a few hours of sleep in the day so still better than 2 weeks ago. I probably should take valium but it has been so unhelpful at anything but drugging me until I just lay there that I don't want to. If I take enough to sleep I sleep so late that getting to sleep the next night is affected. I have no solutions. I have been trying to exercise more but my ankle demanded a couple of days off.<br />
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Therefore I feel awful again. I have no idea how to manage this whole thing with people communicating or not communicating. I need to talk to Dr. Brain about this thing with trying to get in sooner; if they'd called and said she had no time that would be one thing but no response is just confusing and kind of irresponsible since I don't think I have ever called and asked to be seen sooner in 12 years. <br />
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Not much to say really, I'm tired and cranky and very anxious because I have to re-apply for Medicaid because someone didn't update my address last year when I called about it and so my paperwork got to me after it was due and so first I sent in all the paperwork for renewal only to get a letter that I was too late, then I filled out the wrong application and then tonight I did a lot more and saved it only to get a message that at 2 AM it shuts down and since I saved at 2 on the nose I don't know if my stuff saved. There is absolutely no warning that you are about to be kicked off. It's really frustrating. The application is also frustrating because there are no comment boxes and some things are ambiguous. <br />
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Oh well. I've got to get calmed down. Being angry at Medicaid never helped anything.<br />
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Copyright 2006-2015 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com<div class="blogger-post-footer">All content published on this blog is copyrighted to www.masterofirony.blogspot.com</div>Just Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01085642883987294862noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21050713.post-11811203216667651022015-04-03T01:18:00.003-04:002015-04-03T01:18:55.348-04:002 nights but......<br />
I slept about 12 hours last night, maybe a little more although I was awake repeatedly until early morning. This seems to be a theme. I had agreed to go see Dr. Mind again today to check in since I'm alone all this week and they get anxious when my mood is bad and I don't have support. But we'd also agreed I'd cancel if I was sleeping and I did just that. I'm glad too since I slept about 4 hours longer than I would have if I'd gotten up.<br />
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Tonight I am not sleepy at all. I have a feeling tonight will be a valium night. I dislike those. It means tomorrow will be hard and I have things to do tomorrow. But I don't want to start the not sleeping at all cycle again so I'll do what I have to do. <br />
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I still am surprised that this evened out even a little on its' own. That doesn't usually happen for me. I can't really remember a time things got that bad and then improved independently, even if for only a short time. I've had times I've gone a long time without sleep and crashed but this didn't seem to be that exactly. I am not great but I'm not horrible either. I don't know. Menopause is definitely changing my symptoms and making things easier to manage. And I know there is an effect because every so often I still have a month that it appears that there are some more hormones operating and this month has been one of them. In fact this led to my sad experiment. I wanted chocolate badly but didn't want to eat it all quickly so I decided to buy some and freeze it so that I had to wait a bit to get my treat. I got mini Reese's cups and guess what? The middles don't freeze. So I ate a lot more chocolate than I should have this week. Oops.<br />
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Today is a strange day. Last year April 4 was when we found out about my brother. And I remember thinking so many times that I wanted to go back to April 3 when life was so much easier and I didn't have that terrible knowledge. And now it is April 3 again, a whole year of living with this. I thought it could never get easier but it has although it is still so hard.<br />
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Anyway, back to reading and trying to sleep.<br />
Copyright 2006-2015 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com<div class="blogger-post-footer">All content published on this blog is copyrighted to www.masterofirony.blogspot.com</div>Just Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01085642883987294862noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21050713.post-63557334499970138782015-04-01T22:56:00.000-04:002015-04-01T22:56:18.235-04:00One night of sleepLast night I slept. I have no idea why. I didn't take valium because I had to be able to wake up when someone came to help remove the huge branch that fell from a tree yesterday, blocking the driveway. I can't remember when I fell asleep, only that I was surprised that I felt somewhat tired and decided to try closing my eyes and then I was waking up and thinking that I'd slept a little while. I was awake for about an hour and then slept again and took a nap this afternoon as well. Right now I feel tired but I am not going to guess whether I'll fall asleep or not tonight until I know. If things have fixed themselves I'll be stunned as that's never happened before but I am so thrilled to not feel sick from exhaustion that I know I can survive another night if tonight is bad. <br />
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Tomorrow I go back to see Dr Mind, mostly just to check in and show that I'm still ok. This is partly because I haven't been good the last few times I saw him and partly just another of the things that I have to do until people are confident that I won't do the dangerously suicidal thing again. Because the last time was really serious and I stayed that way for so long I have a long time (if ever) before they will really trust me on that again. It got so close to being really bad without my saying anything. So I live with this still and I understand but it still feels kind of weird.<br />
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But anyway, I finally did sleep and if I am very fortunate my brain will decide to turn this around. Especially since I haven't heard back about moving my appointment with Dr. Brain up. She and her secretary were off when I called and the person covering said she'd send an email. I have no idea what that means in terms of what Dr. Brain actually sees or is aware of. And I hate to call again because they didn't say how long she was off and I don't want to pester her, especially if I call and she's only been back 3 hours and I'm bugging her. Or something like that that probably wouldn't happen. <br />
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More to come, hopefully positive.<br />
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Copyright 2006-2015 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com<div class="blogger-post-footer">All content published on this blog is copyrighted to www.masterofirony.blogspot.com</div>Just Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01085642883987294862noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21050713.post-73998469945305061422015-03-30T02:23:00.001-04:002015-03-30T02:23:38.965-04:00At last, a Band-aid<strong>Please note that this blog will be going password-protected on May 1, 2015. Please watch this space for updates. You may also email me at <a href="mailto:masterofirony@gmail.com">masterofirony@gmail.com</a> and I will contact you with the password when I have set things up.</strong><br />
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So finally last night after 3 hours of fighting and the maximum dose of valium I am allowed to take I got some sleep. I think I slept about 12-13 hours, was awake a few and slept another 2-3. Now it is 2:15 and I'm wide awake because I slept all day but at least I got enough sleep to stop feeling sick and that I can continue to live a few more days. <br />
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Tomorrow I see Dr. Mind and intend to call Dr. Brain's office to try to get in there earlier. I don't think another 2 weeks of waiting is going to do any good and I can't take this a lot longer. The amount of valium I took last night does get me some sleep but it has such a huge cost that I'm not sure it is worth it and it is definitely not sustainable; I can't sleep all the time and be too sedated to move when I am awake. And for whatever reason I am not adjusting this time around to the valium. Last year it was such a blessing because I could take it and sleep and after I was used to it there weren't hangovers or over-sedation or anything, just a good night of sleep. This time that's not happening and it is not good.<br />
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But at least I'm not still operating on a few hours of sleep in 3 days. That was awful. Now I'm just very tired, awake and still very sad that I'm not on vacation. I know all the reasons I'm not but I just wish that my timing were different. The pictures of everyone in the hottub looking over the ocean today looked amazing.<br />
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But this is just how it is. Life goes on.<br />
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Copyright 2006-2015 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com<div class="blogger-post-footer">All content published on this blog is copyrighted to www.masterofirony.blogspot.com</div>Just Mehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01085642883987294862noreply@blogger.com0