Last Monday my therapist and I had one of the talks that I'm fairly certain he dreads as much as I do. It's not easy for me to believe that I have limitations, and I feel guilty for being sick. So that makes times like now when I can't do quite a bit very difficult to handle. The conversations always include me repeatedly saying "yes, but....". I do know that he's right, but the guilt is incredible. I feel like I'm cheating everyone on earth by not doing what I'm supposed to do. Whatever, I'm sure you know the feeling and if you don't, just read for a while, you'll pick it up.
Anyway, ever since that conversation I've been upset, not sleeping, even more moody, etc. I didn't really think I was that upset by the conversation, but it is one that I have to fight with myself to accept, so I thought it probably had a role.
Last night I just gave in and drugged myself silly and I slept. Two 5 hour chunks of lovely sleep. I then overdid today. For one thing I was groggy and my stomach upset off and on, which seems to happen when I increase the Seroquel. My mom came and helped with some heavy cleaning. Then we went to the mall because she had this coupon that helped me save $50 on getting some clothes to fit now (I've lived in yoga pants and shorts for the last 3 weeks, not so attractive). The mall was sensory overload; I should have recognized that and gotten myself somewhere quiet ASAP but I am stupid, so we stopped to get Chinese take-out. Then we got home and my mom ran the vaccuum for me. That is something I absolutely can't do and she usually does it while I"m outside or something. But today it was too hot to be outside, so I just endured it with headphones.
By the time she left I was really cranky and feeling terrible about it. I curled up in a dark room under my weighted blanket for a long time to calm down and now I'm down to just really crabby.
So, in one day I was forced to admit that I cannot fall asleep until 2 AM even when I hugely increase my sedation, I still am incapable of sleeping solidly through a night even with that much sedation, I cannot possibly expect myself to get up routinely at any time that could get me to work on time, I cannot stand noise and chaos, much more so than usual, I'm still incredibly irritable, and there is no way I could work right now.
So, this lesson is learned and I REALLY would like to move on......
It was the hardest thing for me to stop trying to go back to work and school and give myself a break, taking disability. I don't know which was worse: the thought that I wasn't capable of working or the thought that maybe I COULD work if I just were a stronger person and tried harder. But even though I spent quite a bit of time on disability, it gave me the necessary time to find the right meds that have allowed me to have the life I have now. I don't have any regrets about being on disability, although at the time I hated it. I was even ashamed of it. But it was necessary, and I'm not ashamed of it any more.
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