Hurt

I slept soundly thanks to meds. I woke up with that awful eyes-almost-swollen-shut thing, but whatever.

I realized after I woke up that I'm having trouble with more than just the baby coming into my life and my anger that I didn't get to do the things I wanted to do in life. (Please, please during this don't take the time to point out all the wonderful things or remind me how amazing I am doing. I know this. It's why I've always felt too guilty to let the anger go. And suddenly I am VERY angry).

Frankly, I'm having trouble adjusting to my ankle injury. I love Dr. Body dearly and I know he didn't have the Xray report with my old fracture, but I think he underdiagnosed the severity of the sprain. he also I'm sure figured the urgent care doctor didn't refer me to a specialist sot he Xrays must have been fine. The only way the Xrays were fine is if they didn't xray the damaged area; I had special xrays at the podiatrist and maybe the fracture was obvious on one of them but it seemed like a standard lateral view. I think the PT missed it to. Some of this might be my inability to show how much pain I have and so it didn't seem as severe as it might have. And some of the damage is quite old. Regardless I'm really sorry I didn't see a podiatrist or orthopedist immediately. I might have had surgery immediately and then I wouldn't be in today's position of brace and restrictions versus surgery.

Anyway, I now have the super brace and shoes that look more orthopedic than any I've ever had (yet I love them, although they may be returned because I think the ongoing turning my ankle in that I'm still capable of is stretching them.) I don't hurt every day anymore since I got the new brace. it's comfortable enough.

it's also a brace. It tells people "something is significantly wrong with her leg". So suddenly if I'm wearing shorts people actually let me walk past them instead of driving over me in parking lots. I guess in a mild way I have a physical disability now (although the restricts are limited mainly to my life instead of my functioning in the word-things like no ladder climbing, no walking on uneven ground with the brace, et), and after going through so long with KNOWING that I had a disability people couldn't see, having something that is like this makes me self-conscious that there is visibly something "wrong" with me.

I don't know why this is hard. But it is. Needing this is a big adjustment, and I think knowing that I could choose not to use it if I chose to do surgery is also part of it. I don't want surgery now. But I also want nobody to see what I have done.