And the single most ridiculous reason I have burst into random tears lately........
my father was not like the sitcom dad I happened to be watching.Friday, May 31, 2013
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Tough
This is not an easy period in my life. I am cycling so fast and so far that I constantly feel like the world is flipping upside down, over and over again. First there's too much energy and I'm wide awake and doing everything I can; minutes or hours later I'm too depressed to move. Dr. Brain is trying to help adjust meds but we have to do this without knowing whether I'll get an increased benefit from it and with few options. Starting anything new (I assume that would be something in the anxiety line or re-using something like depakote) isn't a good option since there's no way to know how I'd react and this isn't the best time for messed up meds.
I am finding moving out for real to be more painful than I thought. I thought I would be ok because I have had a while to adjust. But the simple truth is that I knew i probably wouldn't work for 35 years and then retire. I did not ever think I would lose independence at 37 years old. Sunday, May 26, 2013
The end is coming
I took today sort of off. I got stuff ready to pack in one box and then realized that I had to wash a bunch of dusty stuff. Then I never packed it. I did pack up a bunch of food. I am feeling like I NEED to clean out under the bathroom sink so that's probably going to happen yet.
I was just thinking about how I need to call Dr. Brain to see if I can have some more medication to help with the mania/extreme cycling right now. And then I started crying out of nowhere.
I just want to sleep through the next several months. I bet that doesn't happen. Somehow, I would be surprised.
It is definitely spring
The mania is here. I should have realized my mom was irritating me because I was manic earlier but I blamed her. I can tell I've been grinding my teeth but I think it was stress. Wrong. I'm very agitated and it's 3:15 AM. I hate this sensation.
I keep reminding myself that one thing my meds do still do successfully is that this is not likely to be full blown mania, "just" hypomania. Hypomania still is horrible but unless it gets mixed/until it gets mixed since it will it mostly means I'll get things done but suffer from lack of sleep. I'll have to be in touch with Dr. Brain and of course it's a 3 day weekend. At worst I see her in 2 weeks but I need more medication before that unless this is the first spring mania in my life that was easy to treat. Typically they are very hard to manage and sleep is nearly always a disaster. There have been times I've been on huge doses of sleeping pills along with higher doses of ativan without success. Now it is worse because the sleeping pills that area safe for me to have don't work at all, no way is she giving me something I could easily overdose on as she would have before and she also doesn't like increasing my klonopin because they want me on very little so I have a low supply. This is where the suicidal stuff, even though I know it's to keep me safe, feels like punishment.
Fun stuff.
Saturday, May 25, 2013
interesting
I have maintained a vague guilt for a very long time now because I wasn't sute if my insomnia was real or if was from not doing much.
After moving got more physical I have learned that I can exhaust myself and not sleep. I may get a nap and am told to just enjoy the sleep, but the insomnia remains.
Now that it is almost June I am cycling more. I always get manic in mid-June so I am due. But I need the energy right now anyway.
Back to mowing. Break is over.
After moving got more physical I have learned that I can exhaust myself and not sleep. I may get a nap and am told to just enjoy the sleep, but the insomnia remains.
Now that it is almost June I am cycling more. I always get manic in mid-June so I am due. But I need the energy right now anyway.
Back to mowing. Break is over.
Sunday, May 19, 2013
The dependency class? REALLY?
So tonight I was reading this http://inplainsight.nbcnews.com/_news/2013/05/19/18307642-ax-hovers-over-food-stamp-program-as-costs-grow?lite
which is about proposed cuts to SNAP (aka food stamps). It's a hotly debated issue of course. But the most wrong thing I've heard today is this ""It seems to me that the goal of this administration is to expand the rolls of people who are on SNAP benefits, the purpose of which is to expand the dependency class," said Republican Congressman Steve King of Iowa.".Even now, even after I won't be paying mortgage anymore, I struggle financially. I had to ask my mom for money this month just because moving boxes has meant my driving has increased dramatically and I can only afford 2-3 (3 is stretching it) tanks of gas per month. When gas prices go up I have to drive less. Tomorrow I have to drive to the city to get a lithium level drawn and that will blow my gas budget for the month.
It can.
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Two and a half weeks
What an up and down time. My mood is swinging everywhere. Perhaps that is good, perhaps it means that the severe depression that was in control for so long is leaving. Some hours are decent, something I'm actually no longer used to. A few times I've gotten 8-12 hours of sleep in a 24 hour period. Other times I've cried for little reason or for good reason. One night this week I cried for 5 hours out of terror that my nieces could inherit the genes that cause bipolar. Completely overboard and caused by nothing. The reality is that it is on both sides of our family and so they do have an increased risk. But nobody knows what it is. If I didn't have it heavily on one side of the family and at least 1 person on the other, ie I was like most people, my siblings would have a 1:3 risk each. Two are fine, the other is still young and I don't know what his life is like.
I'm reaching the end of packing that can be done before I'm out of here, or at least the last few days. I'm working on the kitchen slowly as it tends to be emotionally more difficult than other parts of the house were. In 2.5 weeks I'll be moving to my mom's and will stay there until my new place is done. That's supposed to be by early fall but the construction people can be a lot slower than what they estimate. We're working on having my room/area at my mom's ready for me.Tonight I'm going to do something that will be hard on my cats, who are already very aware that something strange is up. At the moment I have their beds (2 per cat for some reason) along one wall of my bedroom. Until a few weeks ago they had 2 on that wall (both heated) and 2 non-heated beds elsewhere in the be
room and another room. The room that I've been using for boxes (right now there's only one not in storage) needs to be emptied and painted. So that means boxes will sit in my bedroom and to do this the cat beds are moving. I hate to disrupt things further for them and I'm going to try to keep this down to minimal but they'll notice and that's hard to watch. (Easier to feel their pain than mine).
This week really should be considered ultra-successful. I think last time I wrote about AAA harming my car with an incorrectly done jump-start. After numerous phone calls, a letter and a lot of documents sent to the investigator I won and will get a check for my new battery and for the computer diagnostics/reset done at the dealership. I also am extremely thankful that this is all they are paying for as reading about this issue I learned they could have (probably nearly did) blow my starter and can even destroy things like the entire computer system. That's not really what you are aiming for with a 2.5 year old car.
Yesterday I got a check refunding me for dental insurance that I kept paying because they didn't notify me my payment was a day late and they terminated it last year. I've been battling this since February and was getting close to having to start going after them legally. Then last week they sent me a letter that they would not longer be "assisting" me because they weren't contracted with my prior employer. I sent a letter to the prior employer and within days found myself saying "OH!" very loudly in the post office when the envelope with a check arrived, seemingly out of nowhere.
With that and my tax refund that I didn't expect but which was payout for vacation days and a small amount related to an IRA I'd cashed in I actually have a little savings to go toward house stuff if I don't make a profit off the house. This is very exciting since I'll feel better if I buy things myself instead of my mom paying for my curtains and whatever.
Anyway, tonight is pill box filling night and I suppose I should get on that since it should have been done 15 minutes ago. I hate that task more than is rational. It takes a long time even though most pills are precounted into a week's supply from when I get them at Dr. Mind's office.
What else can I do to avoid that job????
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)