A challenge I don't want

I don't want to be specific because I don't ever, ever want him to somehow find this and recognize himself and be hurt, but I'm having issues with Dr. Mind.  Issues big enough that I have to confront him.  And I'm scared to do it.  I don't want to hurt him but some things need to change.  I know that there is fault on both sides but he isn't bringing it up so I have to.  And I don't want to at all.

The thing is that we have a big problem right now.  It really is something that has to change.  But it is really hard to criticize this man who has been so kind and generous to me for 8 years.  It's also hard because I know he's having health issues still.  And in some ways I am afraid that these issues are worse things than they've yet diagnosed.  Because that kind of thing is the only explanation I can come up for that explains the drastic changes in him.

I don't know.  I know that I care about and respect this man a lot and I really don't want to hurt him in any way.  Not many people have gone out of their way to help me as he has.

It just is not good.  I am dreading Monday.  I think I will do this then although I may chicken out and give it another week.  I'm not sure yet.  But I really don't want to do it at all.

I just hope I can do it right.



Copyright 2006-2015 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com

Follow-ups

I keep writing about things but not their conclusions.  So, quick rundown:

• 8 lbs lost yesterday and I am finally no longer constipated.  It was awful.  Defies description.
• My Seroquel indeed was sent to the dr.  They apparently didn't accept our note on the application, it must be on her stationary.  It doesn't say that anywhere but they really didn't care about my arguments.  So no matter what the weather or who is sick I must go for my next appointment because I have exactly enough to get me to that appointment
• The next appointment is exciting because I'm going to be in a clinical trial.  I finally remembered to tell Dr. Brain that I'm willing to participate in any trial that isn't a drug one.  I did my time on one of those and I'm just not the right person for drug trials.  For this one all that is needed is blood but it's a neat study b/c they are looking at how drugs are metabolized in an attempt to start figuring out that way what med combinations will work for people instead of trial and error.  My results should be interesting since I metabolize all of my study meds oddly except Klonopin. (About 4 of my meds are included).
• The ombudsman got back to me and the collection agency was of course an error.  She is new and isn't sure how to get my money refunded but it working on it.  That makes me nervous but I have contact numbers for her so I can pester her as needed.  Apparently I shouldn't have paid them while disputing it but they wanted paid.  Now.  Yesterday in fact.  And since I'm sure half the people say they don't owe the bill that's not something they care about hearing.  In any case I asked her to be sure there are no other bills floating around collections since I don't want to deal with this again.

Today's news was different.  My house is on a steep hillside.  My driveway goes down from my mom's, past a tree and into the garge while slanting slightly down on the right.  We got so much snow this weekend on top of the other snow and then ice on top of that.  I wanted to shovel yesterday but couldn't be that far from the bathroom.  So today when I tried to leave I counted on my AWD and the fact my Forester has never gotten stuck, even in some awful places doing home health.  Well, first I got backed up but got a little stuck and then trying to fix that made me slide to within inches of the tree.  I went forward trying to get straight and the back wheels slid down the slope.  Thank God for the ice as they did catch and somehow I didn't go over.  But I had to get AAA to come rescue me.  It was kind of neat; he didn't use the truck to pull it up but instead hooked a cable to the back tire and used that to pull the back end up to level and then backed the car out of the bad spot for me.  So I had to reschedule Dr. Mind at the last minute but I did not have a terrifying slide down a very steep hill backwards.  I see the good in that.

For now I'm so tired and trying to stay up late enough my body doesn't treat going to sleep as a nap.  No sleep for 36 hours and all that I went through yesterday plus a ton of shoveling today was a lot.  It was so cold out there.  My face looks like I have a horrible rash but it's just windburn.  On the plus side I shoveled snow and my ankle survived with only a few angry pops to remind me that it wasn't fond of this.  I'll take that.  Had it been really icy I wouldn't have tried but it wasn't and I can't stand making my mom take on my driveway as well as the part of hers she shovels (the whole thing is enormous and too much to shovel.  Our neighbor has been plowing us out but not doing my little driveway.)  For now I'm parked at my mom's where I can get out easily.

I think that's it.  More to come soon.

Green smoothies-next time I will have learned

My inadvertent error with too much fiber too fast has finally ended.  And do you know what it too to end it?  A complete bowel prep, plus, is what.  So if you are on meds that tend to cause constipation do not double your fiber intake, even if your fiber intake starts out at pretty good, without doing so INCREDIBLY SLOWLY and with measured increases in water as well.  Seriously. MEASURE THE WATER.  I have had more laxatives than food in the last few days and have lost over 5 lbs. since 6 AM.  And not only did I do a bowel prep in the last 24 hours plus days of less aggressive laxatives beforehand without result I missed my meds last night which means that I also used klonopin withdrawl inadverently as a weapon in this fight.  

I still believe that green smoothies are a good thing and I will get back to them.  Not until after my beach trip because I do not want to experience this kind of thing with other people around (and because my clothes became unwearable by the end which is a problem at the beach in April) but until then I'll be getting plenty of fruit and more water and things will change at a glacial rate.  I had no idea doing a healthy diet change (as opposed to the hundreds of unhealthy weight loss diets out there) could do something so evil.  But it did.  

I've also had only a few hours of sleep in the past 24 hours and still am feeling rather nauseous (yet hungry with no idea what to eat) so I will go now and continue being horrified at what I've just been through.  Also, so grateful as I thought I was going to have to go to the dr and admit that I not only did this to myself but that every single thing I knew to do, some done probably more than I strictly should have without consulting Dr. Body, had failed and that I simply was going to die.  And because I'm already on medication that should prevent these things when they happen he starts threatening GI referrals.  And I've seen a GI before, years ago when I had an ulcer senior year of college and do you know what GIs do when they want to see what is going on?  It too involves bowel prep.....so no thank you.  Besides, this time I knew the cause, just not the solution.

I think my cats have turned off spell-checker.  I hope I can figure out how to turn it back on.  They tend to turn things off stepping on the keyboard and they are incredibly good at finding things I don't know how to undo.  But after how sweet they were last night, each one cuddling on one side of me and keeping me company all night long, I can forgive a keyboard stomping party.

Green smoothies-we'll try again

I did some reading about green smoothies before trying them.  I learned about the nutritional value, how to get more nutrients in them and how to make them really count as a replacement for some meal.  Nothing I read in the glowing reviews of this technique mentioned go slow or you will be in terrible pain from constipation caused by tons of fiber sitting in your intestines.  I learned about that AFTER I started searching for "green smoothies constipation".  

I wish I'd known to go more slowly and avoid this.  I'm in a lot of pain tonight which hopefully is all the treatments I'm using (natural plus a non-natural laxative) working.  I'm so backed up it is causing reflux, I can't fasten my jeans and I've gained about 6 lbs.  

I've been here many times before.  It will end and usually it ends sometime relatively close to feeling like this.  If it doesn't end I have more aggressive treatments.  

For now I've decided that I'm going to deal with getting my body sorted out and then I am going to do small, not very fiber-filled smoothies over the next few weeks and just keep up with the increased fruit and veggie intake as I can tolerate.  For now I'm eating whatever in hopes that this will somehow kickstart my digestion.  After I get home from the beach next month I'll actually resume doing smoothies to help with getting the right nutrients but this time I'll be increasing very slowly based on how my body is responding.

I can't believe that this is the consequence of doing something that seemed so healthy.  I also wish I could just sleep through the rest of it but that's not about to happen.

My poor belly......

I have 90 seconds

I only have 90 seconds before my sweet potato is cooked so I will leave it at this:  if AztraZeneca has ignored the large print on my patient assistance application and sent my Seroquel to Dr. Brain my head will explode.  I love them for their broad program and the fact they let me stay on the only medication that works but their stubborn resolve to send the meds to her despite following procedures to send them here at least 3 times is making me want to pull my hair out.  And my meds sent after my latest application are suspiciously not here........

Ack.

Green smoothie diet

I've been doing this nearly 2 weeks now and I figured it was a good time to update.  Maybe if I update on here it will be easier to keep myself motivated.  

I have lost about 2 pounds.  It may be more, it's a little hard to tell because I ran into a side effect that surprised me.  I have chronic constipation due to my meds and I take medication daily to help that.  Usually the prescription (Amitiza, which nobody has heard of and which my dr said worked pretty much only for me so I got all his samples) is enough alone but sometimes it isn't.  I had the idea that if I increased my fiber from "decent amount" to "more than recommended minimum" that I would see a magical improvement.  Wrong.

Apparently if you jump into this too fast and don't increase your water intake at the same time you gradually increase the fiber intake it can backfire on you and you wind up constipated despite that constipation being made up of a ton of really good fiber sources.  Fortunately I was cautious and so I haven't had a major problem but I have backed down to more fruit, less spinach, more water (which is hard since I'm usually a big water drinker) and trying to be more patient.  So for now I'm waiting for some additional meds to help get things going again and sticking to fruit only smoothies while getting additional fiber from beans and other foods and when my bowels can handle it I'll start again adding spinach more slowly.  I may have to back off even more; I still had about 35 grams of fiber today (recommended is at least 25) and that's probably a big gain from 2 weeks ago. 

I think in theory this will work for me if I can just adjust to the extra fiber and get past the constipation.  I lost a lot of weight several years ago on a low glycemic diet and while that diet in the form I used it then isn't as feasible with my MAOI and migraine diet restrictions this diet with a focus on fruits and veggies is low glycemic but functional for me at this point in my life.  I am trying to be healthy with all meals but am not forcing myself to give up all treats because there are so few substitutes with the restrictions and added to that is the simple fact that I can't really afford meat and so I'm not getting protein that way very often.  I need to get more fish into my diet somehow because I love fish and there are fish I can afford at least sometimes.  But one change at a time and the current change is going to be interesting enough for my budget.  I have a place to get fruits and veggies very cheap which is good but I'm going through large quantities of produce already.  So I need to get used to that budget change first.

The other thing that will have to happen soon, like probably next week when I get paid, is that I have to buy a better blender for this.  I'm using my cheap blender now and it just isn't powerful enough to handle this.  I'm going to burn the engine out before too long.  Which is fine, it was cheap and not meant to handle this kind of thing.  It also, oddly, doesn't have a lid, meaning I threw that out while moving in some weird accident.  

But anyway, that's my green smoothie experience (although right now there isn't green because of the backing down thing....).  Even so I had fruit smoothies (these are 100% fruit, no water, no ice, no milk, no yogurt, no nothing but fruit and flaxseed when I am ready to add that back in) for breakfast and med time today and my calorie count for the day was about 1100 with lots of both protien and fiber.  I'll probably eat a Greek yogurt later since I'm on antibiotics but that's only 100 calories more.   So even if I don't lose weight I'm eating much more healthily.  Which matters a lot.  If I do this and exercise and don't lose weight it means that my meds are just making weight loss impossible.  If it works then I know I have to work really hard to keep this up but I can lose weight with effort.

It will also be easier when this round of antibiotics ends and I don't have to have a 4 hour calcium free window twice a day.  For someone who drinks a lot of milk and eats dairy snacks this is really tough.  About one week left of that.  It does seem to be clearing my sinus infection.  I hope because if it doesn't I have to have a sinus CT and I'm not really interested in that.

Stay warm! Tonight is one of the lowest wind chills I've ever seen in my life (-30).  I have seen -40 once but this is the record for Ohio.

I am so fortunate

I won't lie.  This hasn't been the easiest week.  Between hypomania that became mixed, accidentally wearing 2 patches for 24 hours which is very agitating and the retirement thing it could have been a really rough time.  Fortunately I also got to rest plenty, saw my nieces twice and got started on a 2nd round of antibiotics for my sinus infection that doesn't want to stop.  I also found out that the immunity that was lacking in my titers was Rubella, not measles which is happy news.  I would have gotten a booster without any problem but I'm glad to not have to bother.  Having had whooping cough and not knowing if I'm immune to chicken pox (I wasn't when I was tested 4 years ago but I had one vaccine and then had a reaction that probably was to meds given in surgery a few days before the vaccine but there's no way to know so instead I'm half-immunized) I wasn't really looking for another childhood nearly eradicated illness.

But somewhere this week I was reading about hoarders.  And I started thinking about 3 generations of hoarders in my own family as well as the hoarders I worked with in home health.  Without trying I came up with 8 hoarders from home health and I'm sure there were more.  The severity varied with a few being really, really bad.

So I watched some episodes of the tv show Hoarders.  It was surprisingly well done and sensitive to the people they show.  I was especially impressed that they provide counseling and assistance with organization after the clean-up is over.  They were all so sad though, especially the pet hoarders.  I saw pet hoarding once but it was not extreme and the animals were more or less ok, just lacking freedom as they were all caged but  with space to move and food and water.  None were ill.  The cages were cleaned.  They just had too many animals and animals that shouldn't ever be in a house.

Tonight I saw one that was just disturbing.  The woman hoarded cats and had filled her refrigerator and freezer with bodies.  She was very traumatized by death and had even frozen roadkill and a dead cardinal, just unable to leave something dead alone.  Most of the cats they took from her home had to be euthanized immediately and cleaning the refrigerator was horrifying.  She felt so guilty as she had insight into what she had done to the cats, which most of the other animal hoarders did not have.  It was extremely hard to watch.

Mental illness contols my life.  I know from the outside my life probably looks pretty sad and empty, at least to some people.  I have plenty of issues and do lots of things in weird or wrong ways.  But at least so far I know that I can care for my pets and myself (with some help with housework) and while my life is very much affected by my illness it hasn't completely taken over.  It has tried but I have the right supports in place to stop it from doing so.

And that is an amazing gift.

OTR, retired

When I was an OT student I signed documents with Jennifer Masterofirony, OTS as my title.  Then for a while I had my master's degree but was on a limited permit license and for that time I was Jennifer Masterofirony, MS, OT/LP.  Eventually I gained my national certification and was Jennifer Masterofirony, MS, OTR/LP until my licensure went through in about a month.  Finally I was what my goal always was, the name I would write sometimes in grad school just to see what it looked like:  Jennifer Masterofirony, MS, OTR/L.  After a time I started adding my license # to that signature as companies prepared for this to be required but it never was that I knew of.

Tonight I sent in my retirement application.  I did this at 3 AM because I can't sleep and the anxiety I'm feeling has a great deal to do with that.  Doing it at this time was good because it is over and impulsive because sleep may not come easily.  But it is done.  And so from now on I am Jennifer Masterofirony, MS, OTR, retired, should I feel the need to use my title.

I admit to some gladness about that.  I am an OT.  I have years of education and experience as an OT.  Nothing takes that away. It showed so much in the hospital after my ankle surgery when I was much more mobile much sooner than most patients.  Everyone knew about it and commented when they came in the room and they were even more surprised that I could do hygiene without help.  Even the PT came in expecting me to do well and being surprised at how very well I was doing.  And that was all just knowing what I was doing.I knew how to use a walker and how to do the hygiene while maintaining my balance.  I even did my own sponge bath.  I was superpatient but only because I spent years teaching others those skills.  So I know I am still an OT. But it's hard to feel like you still are that when people always look like you are a has been when you explain you can't work anymore.  I've felt like I wasn't supposed to call myself an OT.  I knew that I would lose my L this year (at least I think I do) but I also thought they'd take the R and I worked very hard for those letters, especially the R.  So I am glad to know that they do not take away the significance of passing the board exam.

It hurts but it is done.  I had until I think next month to drag it out and I'm glad I didn't.  I kept thinking it would get easier and it absolutely did not.  I am hoping this stops the memories of times I screwed up to stop coming so much and if I must have memories remember the people I really did help.  I wasn't always great at my job and sometimes I was pretty bad at aspects (organization, especially when I had too many assistants, was a problem as was time management some years).  But I had clinical skills and there are people who are better because I was there.  That's what I WANT to remember and maybe now that I did this painful thing I can switch to those memories.

And now I will work on settling down for the night.

My plan

Once upon a time I lost a great deal of weight.  It started when my company had a weight loss contest. I joined our team even though I had no idea if weight loss was even possible on my psych meds.  I had just had a bad blood sugar test and because my family history nearly promises diabetes eventually even if I weren't on atypicals I was somewhat frightened.  So I started a diet that was pretty much just a diabetic diet. And I lost a lot of weight.  In fact at one point I had the 2nd greatest percent of weight lost in the entire company and I think I finished about 5th or 6th in the company.  There was a secret trick though; I was weaning off depakote and it had added weight as well.  However since I was in a clinical trial when I started depakote I knew that unlike most people I had only gained 8 lbs attributed to it; the rest of my early psychotropic weight gain was from lithium which added 50 lbs in just 3 months or so.  And sure enough when the Depakote was all gone I kept losing weight.

Eventually I lost 65 lbs.  A little of that was lost when I was switching to Emsam and was so depressed I wasn't eating but 60 lbs came off and stayed off.  A nice side effect of MAOIs is decreased appetite (they are basically a derirative of speed).  So the first year on the MAOI I kept losing weight slowly and I think eventually was nearly 70 lbs below my starting weight.  It helped that during that time I felt like cooking and what I mostly wanted to eat was soup and quite healthy soups at that.  Soup and yogurt kept me very happy.

Then I started home health and soup wasn't viable for work lunches.  I still kept the weight off but wasn't losing more at that point between needing to eat things I could keep in the car and eat while driving and because I got much less exercise in home health than in nursing homes where I was on my feet and moving 8-10 hours per day.  

About 6 months into home health I had an episode.  I don't even remember if it was mania or depression although I believe it was mania.  Since I had started Emsam I'd been on 600 mg of Seroquel XR, double what I was on before the speed effect hit.  It was perfect for so long; I took meds at 9, fell asleep at 11, woke at 4 and had a wonderful few peaceful hours before work.  Sometimes I had to do notes but that didn't bother me much and often I was able to enjoy a sewing project or do something else that was fun.  When the Seroquel increased I was able to maintain that schedule but it was hard to find a balance between sedation and lifestyle.  We probably tried other meds; I don't remember.  But eventually we found that I could manage well by taking the amount of Seroquel I needed within a range and this kept my sleep even but also kept my mood controlled.  However my weight crept up.  

For a long time the weight gain wasn't so bad.  I gained maybe 20 lbs but it stopped then and I was still wearing clothes that didn't make me feel fat and I looked normal, not overweight or obese.

Eventually I was on more Seroquel to help cope with asthma meds and again I gained a little weight but nothing too dramatic.  

And then came the surgery that I left with severe akasthesia.  I had no choice but to go on very high doses of Seroquel.  Then we added 10 mg of Zyprexa (a lot when combined with huge doses of Seroquel).  And when nothing helped I was hospitalized and put on gabapentin.  My Seroquel dose by then I think was held at about 900 mg and I also started another med for the movement disorder called Cogentin that seemed to cause weight issues.  To make it all worse I was horribly depressed and living on oatmeal which is not the ideal food 3 meals per day.  I had a lithium toxicity and that also triggered weight gain when my dose/blood levels were raised back to levels I'd not seen in years while I was in the psych unit for Christmas.  And in the 3 years since that time I have had to increase my Seroquel to 1200 mg, a whopping dose that is pretty much all I'm allowed to take of it.  Doing that added the last of the weight back.  My body seems to have a fixed point that meds won't raise my weight past but it is far too heavy.  

So I've been contemplating how to lose weight.  The same diet isn't going to work as easily because it relied on foods I can't eat now and some things I simply can't afford.  Cheese was a big part of the diet and the solidified oils I call cheese now are hardly the same.  I also need easy right now.  I've been living on cereal this winter and that's not so good in terms of carbs.  I also let more junk in than I should.

So I'm trying my own variation on the other diet.  When I can I will stick to the recommendations, however I am not going to go overboard with restricting myself.  If my mom has cookies or whatever and I've had my smoothie and am really still hungry then I will eat a cookie or two.

  I'm also trying to make some of it easier on myself by using green smoothies.  A couple of cups of spinach mixed with a few servings of fruit gives me 2 servings of vegetables plus 3-4 of fruit and I am substituing this for either lunch or the evening "meal" that I require to take meds on a full stomach.  It turns out the smoothies are delicious and since it is purely fruits and veggies they are quite healthy.  Tonight I was out of spinach so had a kiwi, a cup of strawberries and 2 bananas and that was about 300 calories with half of the daily fiber requirement.  Yesterday's was spinach, half a pear, strawberries and a banana and that came it at just over 200 calories and a I think 13 or 14 grams of fiber.  

I'm having to go more slowly with this than I expected because it is a drastic change for the digestive system to get that much additional fruit and veggies along with the normal stuff.  My belly was pretty upset the first day or two.  But now it is going easily and I really enjoy the smoothies.  They take only a few minutes to make (and when I get a better blender which is my reward if I do this for 2 months) it will be even faster.  But once this is working then I need to find ways to increase protein.  I can't afford meat and my mom gives me food with meat in it sometimes but I need to find ways to get protein more easily.  I love hardboiled eggs and that's an easy start.  I also like fish and can get frozen fillets relatively cheaply.  And I have a bag of chicken breasts waiting to be cooked.  

So while I'm trying to make one change per week my new plan is to cook at least one crockpot of vegetable based soup each week, drink at least one smoothie daily, make kale chips because I love them and they are healthy and better than crackers which I tend to eat when I want something salty, then to begin making one meal of fish each week and finally to make one crockpot dish of chicken each week.  If I get in the habit of freezing things and having a routine I think I can make this work.  Not sure how to afford some of it but that just will have to work out.  Aldi's has ok produce and some other things and otherwise I'll have to buy what is on sale.  Lots of bananas in the smoothies because I can afford those.  That kind of thing.

I just want to lose even 10 lbs.  I need to lose much more than that but 10 lbs would make up for what I gained with the ankle surgery and last Seroquel increase.  

We'll see how this goes..

Money isn't everything

Except when it is all you've got.......but I have to learn to relax more about it.  I'm going to actually have about $100 more per month starting next month which is so exciting.  Or it was until Cleveland Clinic ate it.

I love the clinic.  I really do.  The care there is incredibly good, I like the organization's philosophy and they really emulate what good healthcare should be like--efficient, available to all, responsible and accurate.  When the Affordable Care Act was partially based on how Cleveland Clinic works they made a great decision.

But there is the other side....the financial department.  I used to have no issues there.  Even the first year or so I was on charity care went easily.  But somehow billing in 2013 got very, very messed up.  I qualfied for 100% free care by nearly $20,000/year income.  But they were paying 93%, 77% or not at all.  I called and called as well as talking to financial counselors in person and was told it was fixed and it never was.  Finally I went to the ombudsman in May and everything was resolved 100% by July.  Or so they said.

Tonight my phone rang.  I rarely answer if I don't know who is calling but went ahead this time.  Good thing since it was a bill collector who has tried calling me 5 times but didn't leave a message or send a letter.  I guess I'm supposed to intuit who is calling and why.  They demanded $76 for a date of service back in April 2013.  On my May 2014 statement, which shows all the messed up amounts, that date had been paid at 93% and I owed $14 which I didn't really owe.  So I've been told the amount was cancelled, it hasn't been on my bills, it wasn't put in the payment in full plan I set up after everything was "fixed".  They just randomly have me owing them all that money which I do not have.  

I am very, very upset about this.  I know it can be corrected but I have worked so hard to ensure this was all taken care of and I also have worked extremely hard to increase my credit score as far as possible over the last 6 years.  And it finally IS good after being really bad (524 at the lowest) because I used to miss payments accidentally.  I haven't missed a payment on anything in years.  Dr. Mind helped with that and I worked really hard at it and I also live on a tightly constructed budget that keeps things in line.  Usually.  Today I paid for an eye exam co-pay plus the co-pay on new glasses (yay! I hate these frames and have had them for 3 years) and that was my stretch for this month, especially since we're going to the beach next month and I will need to board my cats and pay for food and stuff.

I also am terrified that I am going to have more bills show up this way.  In the new ombudsman letter I requested proof that everything is taken care of in the form of a letter stating I was on 100% charity care for the period of whatever to whenever.  So hopefully this never happens again but I absolutely was sure it couldn't happen now because I took care of everything.  

I'm already exhausted and stressed from watching my mom's boisterous dogs (both little more than puppies and they are ACTIVE) and I really need a few very quiet days and full nights of sleep (they get me up a few hours after I finally fall asleep and the night I took valium was horrible because I was so groggy in the morning but they wouldn't let me nap.  

I also need the same kind of financial care that Cleveland clinic gives in healthcare.  It begins to feel like they are making it hard to be on charity care so you shut up and pay---or you "accidentally" get billed a random $76 because someone doesn't take your claims as seriously when they handle them.  Or something like that.  I'm sure it's not true but it is hard to not feel like that.

I'm also cold.  My mom's windows are pretty much brand new but they leak cold air.  I think they weren't installed correctly.  I made myself hot chocolate and now feel like I had too much sweet.  I'm trying a new thing with spinach/fruit smoothies every day to see if that might help me lose some weight and I think I should have stuck with tea until the smoothie was a lot more digested.  They are very filling.  But stress turns me into a chocolate monster and it seemed like a good idea.  Oh well.  At least I still had the smoothie even if I did have something bad after it.  I'd be warm if I went to bed but I can't do that or the dogs will get me up even earlier.  At least they are sleeping now and one is on my feet so they are warm anyway.  The other would be happy to lay on my cold arms but then I couldn't use the computer or do anything else; he's a big guy. 

My anxiety level has quadrupled in the last week.  Hopefully it goes back down soon.  I need to deal with a few things that are making me anxious and I think it will get better from that.  I keep thinking over and over about all the mistakes I made when I was working.  I know it is because I am going to be retiring my license and am emotional about that but it's really obsessive and annoying to think about small mistakes from 5 years ago, and to do that  a lot.

Anyway, until next time when hopefully I'll be a little calmer.

I'll be so much better tomorrow night when I get to sleep in my own quiet bed.  Getting up with the cat once or twice is easy compared to this.