Phrases

First, this is my 100th post. Seems hard to believe. I had something in the works for this post but the timing just isn't there so we'll have pretend 100th post next week or something.

Today I heard some really neat things at the psychologists. Previously I've had therapists that made a big deal of every success. This one takes a while to get to "big deal". Which means that positive feedback is pretty meaningful.

Today I heard "You've done better with this than I expected". I also heard about my improved judgment and insight, which is also a big deal since those were pretty questionable for a while. And even more than that, I refused to admit there might be issues with those things at all just months ago.

I have no idea how the new job will turn out. But I do know that I can face a new job with confidence and courage I've never had before, because i have finally succeeded in taking care of me. I fully expect my last day, Thursday, to be tearful. I doubt I'll be thrilled about things for a while. But I am doing this KNOWING with all my heart that it's the right decision, and that I made it for the right reasons, using the right processes, and I'll be greatful for that for a very long time.

(Now if I can just avoid the man playing with the sound machine in the waiting room for the rest of my life.....It plays combinations of sounds and certain ones set my teeth on edge. The only way to get away is to wait outside and not only is it about time for bad weather, there is nowhere to sit out there and by the end of work and a long drive standing is not an option. So instead I cower from the noises....)

More than Just Me

I called the onsite manager who attempts to govern the terrible assistant and left a message regarding my putting things in writing, etc. I just figured he might want to know this. Well, soon after I realized what I had done. I have taken charge of this situation. I refused to let anyone force me into decisions that can make me sick. 6 months ago I couldn't do this. In fact that's the entire worst part of how sick I was, and especially of how severe my lithium toxicity was: in a large sense it was my own fault. Accepting that was tremendously painful, and I didn't do it easily. In fact I spent a lot of time trying to get the psychologist to tell me it was not my fault. But it was. Not all of it, but I made very bad decisions.

I can't believe how much I have changed in the last 10 months. A year ago I wouldn't have done any of this. I wouldn't have done anything about the issues. I wouldn't repeatedly confront the assistant about the problems. I wouldn't have changed jobs. I wouldn't have said "No, I can't handle this stuff and it's not my fault". I know because a year ago there were other big issues and I just kept mumbling about leaving. Then I realized I needed a disability break, except I refused to take it until my paperwork was done. Then things improved at work, even though my moods didn't, so I stayed. Then I felt stuck and let myself get so sick. And now I'm a new person.

This year is the first time I've ever had to cope with the emotions I've felt about my illness. I thought I was so confident about it; instead I learned I'm ashamed of so much. That's kept me from demanding basic, bare minimum, assistance. I've also always tried to compensate by doing and being more. Now I know that won't work and I won't allow anyone to make me feel I should be like that.

I always thought admitting I can't was the beginning of the end. Instead it has become the beginning of a new beginning.

I just never dreamed I'd be excited about my last week of this job. That alone says it's a new me going into the next one.

Here goes nothing.

Some people still are good

I got a call from my manager today telling me not to worry about the worst of the chaos. There is a ton of stuff that should be my responsibility to finish that I can't finish thanks to my assistant not doing her part of it which must precede mine, and I've been in tears over how to handle this. Now I only need to worry about my own stuff. Thanks to the assistant of course it's not nearly as done as it should be, but I think I can manage it.

Oddly at this point the worst part is that a co-worker was pretty rude to me on Friday (not the assistant, she and I are pretty much not speaking), and I have hurt feelings and am very angry with her. She's always been like that, so I don't know why it suddenly got to me, but it did.

So at least I don't feel like I'm leaving on terrible terms even if things aren't done the way I wanted them to be. I just feel wrong leaving with a single thing not addressed, even though I know it's not my fault. Hyperresponsibility goes with my survival of the illness I think...

On a great note I just got new sneakers. Not the ones I wanted because they were out of my size, but that just made it easier to pick the ones on sale that I didn't want only because they are the same style that I have just worn out and I wanted a new look. I don't get a lot of choices because I have to wear wide widths and I'm really picky about support and comfort because I stand nearly all day every day. But I've needed new ones for quite a while and so I'm very excited.

Four more days....

This is NOT a good ending

So it appears I will be leaving amidst a great deal of strife. I kind of fell apart yesterday and didn't even make it in to work until afternoon. I realized there was no way I was going to be working a ton of overtime or working this weekend to catch things up. I informed supervisors; nobody seems to really care. At least nobody cares enough to respond. Or to actually make my assistant do the stuff she has to do so I can finish my part.

Sheer exhaustion, missed meds, and stress (a great deal more occurred with each step just making it worse) combined to make me cry at work this afternoon. And I left with a lot of stuff I know needs to be completed roughly NOW undone because I hit a limit.

I'm going to have to refuse to put in extra time next week to fix things that weren't my fault. I don't know how to handle that.

Once again I feel like everyone just wants to be rid of me because I'm not quietly just doing everything anymore. Because I won't put up with signing off on bad work. Because i have a funny rule about only doing my own job. It's easier if I just shut up, so that's what they want.

At least my new job wants me. I just hope they still do after they meet me...

(Sorry for whining. I am exhausted beyond all imagination at the moment and far too wound up to sleep).

Do what you do

I am a Christian, so I pray. If you pray, please do. If you're not, I'm open to finger crossing, breath-holding, birthday candle wishes, whatever.

I still don't want to explain the situation at my almost finished job, but in part it has to do with I have major issues with my assistant and the company I work for has has a long history of hiring anyone they can get to do those jobs, then I am left in horrible positions because I'm legally responsible for someone who isn't someone I want any responsibility for whatsoever.

I have quite a bit of things I need to get done before I leave. My last day is next Thursday. I already put in a full day on Saturday and I'm worn out from that; I just can't handle that much extra. I had a plan to avoid extra work this week. Part of that plan included my having clearly informed my assistants that all work I needed to approve must be up to date by this Thursday. It also included having time to do only my job this week.

Just like every week the assistant has called off. This means I need to do my share of her job. She has not completed massive amounts of paperwork. I'm now going to be stuck working on Saturday, and to make it worse she'll be there and if she finds where I'm going to hide she'll harass me, which she does constantly because she doesn't listen nor read any communication I have. I spend a lot of time repeating myself with her, and I no longer have time.

I also have different people asking me to do other things, and it is all too much. I don't mind doing my job, and it does include handling situations, but I cannot handle all situations.

Plus I'm having some manic symptoms and that's not making this easier. It's making it easier for me to be much more assertive than normal, which is nice, and my anger has been expressed, and I've even been able to make supervisors aware that this situation is partially why I am leaving (I do not need the stress and I've reached my ethical limit), but I really don't need mood swings to worry about at this point.

So please, all forms of internet help are accepted in the next 8 days. Oh boy, I only have 8 days......

Thank you.

Who knows what will happen?

I am continuing to do well. I feel good about what is coming. I'm not having mood swings. I've done the hard part of a lot of my good-byes (telling them it's happening) and am getting things wrapped up.

However, I'm probably not going to be posting a ton. Either I'll want to get the emotions out and I'll overcome the exhaustion and do it, or I'll proceed as planned :). I worked a full day this Saturday and am pretty worn out. One day off just isn't enough. So my plan to is be so close to done I don't need to work this coming Saturday. However, I still have to maintain my usual schedule of various appointments and the like, I still have to do multiple things at work, and so I don't know how well I'll succeed.

Obviously the key to surviving this is going to be rest, so if it's been a while just assume I'm resting.

The Ward

Where I work is composed of two buildings. One building contains 100% psychiatric patients. They either have a severe, usually relatively uncontrolled psychiatric diagnosis, or they have dementia with very severe behavioral issues (ie they've sent someone at a regular nursing home to the emergency room). The other building is a mixture. Many of the patients are fairly typical nursing home patients. Many were not particularly easy dementia patients but not "dangerous" patients. Some are just in from the surrounding community to recover from illness or surgery. Those people are kept fairly isolated. And then there is "the ward".

I've seen this happen twice now. A few years back reimbursement started being better if you put patients with psychiatric diagnoses in "behavioral units". I don't object to this concept per se, certain patients need a locked environment to be safe, and plenty thrive this way. What I do object to though is the collateral damage. Coincidentally both times that a facility I worked in went to this behavioral unit model I was on disability and walked back in to find one section blocked off and those residents isolated. My issue is that both times people who were not violent, who were quite capable of being part of the general life of these facilities that are dedicated to caring for people with psychiatric needs (for pete's sake, we have to have training on how to put people on the floor without hurting them.....) suddenly were restricted.

Both times there have been people who are harmless but a little "embarrassing" to the public who wind up out of sight. Both times I have been very upset about this. Supposedly our world has moved so far forward in accepting mental and physical disabilities. Just today I spoke with the mother of a very old for his condition patient with Down's syndrome. She told me what it was like to have that diagnosis many years ago and how far her son's quality of life came. Yet when I walk onto that ward, an area I have carefully avoided for the last few months because it breaks my heart, all I can do is wonder if someday I too will be shut up somewhere because of my embarassing behaviors. Please God, let this never be true. I accept that I will lose much to this illness, and that I may lose much of my cognitive function. I accept that sometimes now and always my behaviors will be inappropriate. But I value freedom so much that I believe I would want to die if locked up for a reason other than my safety.

When I began this blog I meant to write about some of what I see and feel doing what I do. This year did not go according to my plans, and so instead I'm leaving mental health as a specialty before I even start writing. (Did I mention that part? I'm changing specializations.) I hope to write about it anyway from time to time, and I'll still have new things as well. However, to be totally candid this new ward is one of the reasons I am ready to leave. I was on it today with a longtime favorite patient--she calls me "mother"--clinging to me sobbing because she was so glad to see me, knowing that this woman has no reason not to be freely wandering as happy as a clam, harming nobody, just looking and acting different because of her diagnoses. All I could think of was how wrong and how I feel like a hypocrite having anything to do with a system that sticks people just like me in a locked area so others aren't uncomfortable.

And then I thought that not feeling that way, not feeling compelled to get out of there, would mean what I fear so much: that the illness won, or that the society that judges the illness won. So I'm taking a stand in a way. Too bad nobody knows, and even sadder that those who control things couldn't care less.

Random Things

This is a lot of unrelated items tonight:

• I can breathe. I went to urgent care on the way to work Monday and spent yesterday sprawled in bed. Antibiotics are really wonderful. I should be fine by the weekend.
• I got my hire packet for my new job. Wow. It still doesn't seem real. But I'm more excited than anything now. I'm feeling very sure of my decision. In 2 more weeks I'll tell you why.
• I have to be fingerprinted twice for this job. Ick. At least the rules changed. Last time I had to do it myself and I messed it up and the ink still wouldn't come off. Now it has to be done by police. But I bet the ink will still be everywhere.
• I also have to have 2 more needle sticks. This does not make me happy. It will be a total of 12 since May and I have 2 more coming in November. This especially is annoying because it's for a TB test which I just had a negative on, but I don't have my original sequenced one from my first job 6 years ago, so I have to start over. Stella, you and all your shots amaze me!
• I'm going to reach 100 posts really soon. And I have had well over 600 visitors.
• With a visit yesterday from Africa I have also now had a visitor from every continent but Antartica. Now THAT would be something.
• Hot lemonade (1 cup very hot water, 2 1/2 T lemon juice, 2 T sugar or honey) feels so good with congestion and sore throat.
• My mood is SO, SO much better. I think I'm finding peace in my decisions, and the more I go through saying good-byes and the like the more I'm sure. There are things I wish I could accomplish but it is no longer an environment where I can happily do that. I am starting to believe this.
• I am going to survive. Thank God.

Wow

I am still quite sick but I did get antibiotics and the sole prescription decongestant I can take, and my fever FINALLY broke, so as soon as my throat isn't sore, I can talk in more than a croak, and I am not coughing like I have endstage emphysema I'll be good again.

The good thing is that I spent an hour croaking at the psychologist and it seems I actually am out of this summer's major episode. I'm still dealing with a lot, obviously, and will be for a while, but confirmation of what I've sort of suspected but have been too afraid to really question is good. I'm afraid that the transition will be too much, but so far so good really. I've had mood fluctuations, we've changed meds and although one change had to be stopped thanks to this stupid cold and my inability to know how I felt, it was a change I'd rather not make anyway and I'm hoping I'll find out some psych symptoms last week were really the beginning of being physically sick (something I'm not good at admitting is happening. For example, my throat is very, very sore yet I've been trying to pass that off as "a little" until the doctor informed me otherwise. Or Friday I started feeling dizzy at times, which has continued through today. Never thought the doctor might want to know that.....).

The next step is making the change reality. I helped out at one of my new places Friday; that made it somewhat more real although not as much as I wish because part of being a contract therapist is occasionally helping out in facilities you've never been to so it didn't feel totally real that this is MY place, MY desk, etc. Tomorrow I guess I am to start bringing my own things home. That I dread more than I want to think about, which I'm sure is why the psychologist says to do it now.

Two and one-half weeks.....

As if I didn't have enough to deal with

I can summarize the last few days in a few words: snot, cough, drip, pain, fever. And I'm not allowed to take cold meds. I'm also in the period where if I take a sick day I lose a lot of money that is my payout for accumulated time off when I actually leave my job. So I'll be off working and blowing my nose and washing my hands every 3 seconds tomorrow.

Back when I can think.