I am only responsible for me......

One of the things that happens when I feel like I do right now is that I feel guilty for everything.  I want all these things to work just like they do when I feel ok and they can't.  My house is a mess.  But I'm not well enough to clean; I need rest more.  Yesterday I had a meltdown because my curtains keep falling down thanks to my purchase of these curtain hangers my mom thinks are wonderful and which I hate with a passion.  I did finally discover my low-vision cat is pulling on them when she tries to get her paws on the windowsill to pull up, but there's still nothing like coming home, going into the bathroom and getting your clothes off to put on pajamas, going to get the pajamas and discovering your bedroom has no curtains, exposing you to about 7 neighboring homes.

Part of what happened yesterday was that my mother made me very, very angry.  Angry like I rarely/never let myself become.  I didn't feel like showing her how I felt or how much she'd hurt my feelings, so instead I was just hurt.  Later I tried to write a letter but I am too afraid of saying things wrong, because I do, often, so instead I will wind up using this as something to learn from with Dr.Mind, except that it leaves unsaid so much that I am so upset with her about.  Also included in this is the fact that the whole thing is that she feels hurt because of a decision I made nearly 11 years ago.  The fact that I was upset with her played a role, but in her mind it's apparently all about her and she therefore condemns it.  And in reality it is something I'm so glad I decided (it's all about where I went to grad school) , not only because it was the right decision for me, but because it was the only time as an adult that I will ever make a huge decision and not have weigh in mental illness.

And then,just to make me feel worse, I had an email from my handyman.  Yesterday I'd emailed in response to one from him that I had left the things for a job on my porch.  He apparently didn't get this and emailed in the middle of the night he'd like to come today as he has to pay for a $150 textbook.  Which was kind of guilt trip, as he was supposed to make $150 doing painting for me and I held off because of my own finances/not feeling well/house is a wreck, and I feel bad but I do not need guilt trips.  I have a lot coming up financially with a job change and need to buy a new car and my working very hard at paying off debt to increase my credit score to allow paying for the car.  And I'm happy to give him work, but I can't be his bank.  I want to finish my house too, but I have to make decisions about my financial situation first and foremost, and I also have to take care of my own health before anything else.  I didn't get his email until now (because I refused to look at emails unless they were from Dr. Brain, all day), but regardless, I can't help feeling bad.  Not too bad, because I know that my mom has been trying to get hold of him about finishing something he started at her house, but still, I need a handyman who doesn't NEED me.)

And I was all happy because I bought a jar of mixed olives at the grocery yesterday and had every intention of putting them in my lunches this week as I try to be a slightly healthier eater.  When I feel like I do right now I let myself eat whatever sounds good because I tend to stop eating if I don't.  But I can't take the olives because I didn't pay attention that they had seeds and I can't drive and eat olives without seeds without risking breaking teeth.  So much for that bright idea....

Life isn't all bad, and I know I sound like I think it is right now.  I'm frustrated because I hate having mixed episodes and I hate needing more meds.  I was doing well at meeting the "1 year of stability and we can start  to try decreasing meds" regime rule and in the last few months that went totally away.  I was on high dose Seroquel, now I'm on extremely high dose Seroquel.  But I also had a really good time with my niece yesterday and got to see one smile and a few half smiles, as well as snuggling a sleeping baby for a really long time.  She's very into facial expressions right now and that's so much fun. I also modified a baby play mat to make it give more variety and first got an incredible deal at the consignment store (I got the mat and all the things I added to it for less than half the cost of the actual mat) and my niece LOVES it.  Apparently she started smiling as soon as she was on it and was talking to it and just absolutely in love immediately.  And that makes me happy.  And I'm so grateful for my amazing Dr. Brain who responded very quickly to my request for help and listened until we figured out what I could take, and I see her this week so she'll help more then  It also helps so much to know that she knows if I"m calling I'm in bad shape.   And Dr. Mind got me in last week and will listen and let me cry and make me feel better about my mother this week.  And I love my job, although hopefully I can keep it to less hours this week.  Last week was way too much.

And speaking of jobs, I need to take my meds and make sure I have enough clean scrubs to get through a day or two.  I'm working at least part of a day tomorrow, and I really don't want to do laundry today.  I think I'm ok but it is hard to be sure from here;I can see tops in my clothes but not if there are pants.  really I should wash some scrubs and my sheets.  But I don't want to.......We'll see.  I really need to try to stay awake a while long to take lithium late so I don't have to from labs quite so early.

Thank you all for listening, and caring.  This blog is one of my best sources of strength.  Way back when I started it I took 3 months from the time I picked a name and started playing with formatting to work up the courage to say a word.  Now when I'm upset it's you all are one of the first places I turn.

I am not ok

I just increased my Seroquel dose again.  I'm at the (drugged into occuring) end of 3.5 hours of crying. I had reasons but  not 3.5 hours worth.  These mood swings scare me; they are so fast.  (sorry if put in the wrong word or have typos, I'm getting sleepy from lots of meds).

Will explain more tomorrow.

Making a List

I'm going to go be Aunt Jen for a while today so I got up early.  (Well, that and I always get up early, but often on weekends I can get a little more sleep after being up an hour or so, and the last 2 days since increasing my seroquel I have gone back to sleep both mornings.  But my body is adjusting (and it is helping at least some), so I'm gradually recovering.  I hope.

Anyway, I've been starting to buy lots of long-sleeve t-shirts to wear under scrubs during the winter and had a bunch of new ones to wash, along with some baby things.  As I did so I was making mental to-do list.  Part of that list was trying to figure out if any of my family has a pet crate I can borrow on my vacation.  Which made me start mentally planning things I need to buy for that.  As I was sorting those new t-shirts I realized that this is the first of what I imagine will be many times that the contrast between this year and last year at this time will be huge.

I fell in long with this style of t-shirt last year when I had to buy a lot of casual clothes for the psych ward.  When I knew I was going there I had a lot of things I knew I needed (I usually don't have a ton of  casual stuff because I don't need it), so I hit sales every week to build up my supply and check things off the list.

And the difference between these 2 lists, ironically planned for one year apart although I went to the hospital prior to the planned date, is so huge.  I like this one better.

And they all fall down

(Written Wednesday) I think I hit a bottom today.  Not my worst bottom.  Not even close.  But a bottom bad enough to call Dr. Brain for help, something I think I've done 4 times in the last 3 years, and one of those was a request to be hospitalized. I am doing so crummily that someone at work asked if I was ok because I've been so quiet.  That scared me.  I brushed it off as tired, but it's more.  Much more.

(Written Thursday) Thankfully Dr.Brain and I figured out a plan.  The issue was I needed more mood stabilizer, fast, without side effects.  After considering a lot of options I asked if I could take more extended release Seroquel.  For some reason (probably the hospital) I thought I couldn't have any more than I take.  Not true, especially for me.  And Seroquel XR (don't remember about the other kind) works FAST.  I slept better last night than I have in forever and woke up feeling better. I even went back to sleep for an hour. I made it through the day without frequent doses of Klonopin, and it was a very stressful day; I had to call 911 and send a patient to the hospital with a possible heart attack.  The meant something I'd never realized until today:  I had to be there and be ready to do CPR.  If he coded I was in charge.  Ironically I had to cancel my CPR class today and believe me, you don't want me doing CPR on you.  Thankfully he was still ok when the paramedics got there, but it was scary.  And I handled it, even managing to keep the family from seeing my panic.

I actually managed to feel productive today, I made small talk which is a good sign, and I got a nice compliment from a nurse, who told me I have been assessment skills than some nurses.  I'm pretty sure that has to do with first more training in assessment than an LPN even if it is theoretically differently aimed; I still know how to make an overall clinical assessment, and second, I've got a lot of years of practice under my belt.

I also did something really big. I told them yesterday that I very much need vacation between this contract and starting working for them.  I had previously said I'd wait if I didn't have an assistant; I now have changed that to "I really need a break".  I've not had actual time off (just a few sick days, a few days of many medical appts, and what Dr. Mind calls my trip to the spa in Cleveland last year. I think a spa that only lets you shower with an inch wide strip of low pressure water because a shower head would be dangerous is not much of a spa).  And today I followed Dr. Brain's strong suggestion and booked the most remote cabin I could find (around a state park or two) for several days in November.  I can take my cats, and it has no phone, no cellular, no internet.  Just a tv/DVD, fireplace, hot tub, and wildlife feeding station to watch. No guests allowed. It's not remotely camping; it's gorgeous.  It's very, very isolated and I will be forced to just relax because there will be nothing else to do.  I can hike if the weather is ok, and  I may take some sewing, but I'm mainly just going to relax.  A lot.  If I find I can swing it financially and it's possible I may add a day or two on.  I need that time desperately.

So I'm feeling like there is hope.  Tuesday Dr. Mind asked if I was afraid when I admitted I was cycling.  I said no but I lied (he loves it when I do that).  I was actually beyond fear; too much correlation to this time last year when nothing was helping my depression and  I had to realize (nearly exactly a year ago) that I was going to go on the MAOI and that I also was probably going to be in the hospital.  The problem with having been through that is that while I know there was a specific reason (med failure) that I was so sick, ever since I learned that I could feel like I did for those 3 weeks I was sickest I want run away if there is any chance that could repeat.  Of course there is, but it helps a lot to see that things can improve quickly with the right tweaks.  I hate hopelessness.  Yet I realistically know I'm not 100% well nor will I continue to feel as good as most of today was for a while.

And now it is time to practice that sleep thing I think.....

What you should never say to your disabled child

(In writing this I am ignoring the fact that during my actual childhood my parents weren't aware of my disability.  However, the same words were used to comfort me for many years, and they were not good words, although well-intended).

I've written a lot in the last year about my hurt over the divide between my sister and myself.  I want to have a relationship with her.  I have a pathetic need for her to like me.  I have experienced tremendous hurt over and over as we've started to see ok and then we're not.

Please, please don't mention hormones, new baby, lack of sleep, stress of new motherhood, etc. as I talk tonight.  This has gone on for so many years I can't remember otherwise.

And for so long I've held onto this stupid false hope.  You see, my mother always told me that we'd grow up to be friends.  And for 32 years, since my sister was born, I have waited for this.  We never had anything in common.  I was sensorily defensive, I was hiding from the severe sexual abuse, I was feeling guilty because I couldn't protect her from it, and I was shy and awkward with people.  She was much less intense, such an easy personality.  That was true of both of us from infancy on.  She was "easy".  I was not.  I was the one who followed rules precisely (concrete thinking), who cared about grades (not that hers weren't good, but she wouldn't have cried over a B as I did.  I love more intensely and with more hurt resulting from that.

That alone isn't easy to grow up with.  But add in mental illness?  She was so often my victim.  She had to deal with my rage, my mood swings, my insomnia (we shared a room.  Maybe not the best thing).  She had to have known how jealous I was of her friendships when I had only a few friends, none of whom were friends enough to make it past graduation.

She put up with worse things.  I know there were several times I hit her.  Not just kids fighting, but I was an adult and could have been arrested for assaulting a minor.  She can, like most siblings, make me more angry than any other person on earth.  And for someone who already grew up with abuse, having a (undiagnosed) mentlaly ill sibling smack you undoubtedly leaves a scar.

Being the adult sibling of someone with mental illness can't be fun either.  I know it was scary for her that she might pass the genes on.  There are times when my illness trumps things and it's not fair to anyone, but it's the way it is.  I had to spend at least an hour of her baby shower trying to calm down from my mother's boyfriend's being obnoxious for a 2 hour drive in a quiet room. I can't help but wonder who will be there when my mom isn't, and I hate that I probably feel like an impending burden to my sister.  This may be why she resents me.  I don't need a lot of help now, and I'm fully aware that if I need help after my mom is gone that I'll institutionalize myself rather than depend on a sibling.

But those words of my mom's?  I always believed them.  I really though that no matter what someday we'd magically be friends.  For a long time I assumed it would happen when we both had kids.  My mom and her sister had 5 girls in 3 1/2 years and were/are best friends, partly because of the experience of raising all of us together.

There have been times when I questioned it, times like her wedding when I was so hurt I didn't know if I'd chose to have any relationship with her at all, ever.  But then things have improved.  And then declined.

In the last years as I've gotten better we've done better.  Sometimes.  But even then bipolar screws with me.  I assume that if things go well for a little while that things are fixed.  I am wrong about this.  I don't do a good job of seeing the whole picture, and the whole picture is this:  my sister is nice to me when she tries.  I think she sees what I want so badly  but can't give it to me.

Yesterday I realized the truth:  my sister will be nice to me sometimes.  She will be thankful if I make or give the baby something.  She'll even give me some chances to be Aunt Jen that are meaningful.  But the basic belief I've had all these years that if I just wait things will be ok just because we are sisters:  that is wrong.  As long as I say "oh, you sound tired, did you have a bad night?" and am responded to with "I don't HAVE bad nights" because I'm apparently insinuating something insulting, I can't do a thing to make that stop.   I'm just trying to make conversation, asking about my niece in a brief way since my mom had used my phone to call her about some clothes she was buying and we were on the way out the door of the store.  Nothing I ever do is going to change the nasty tone of voice she uses to talk to me at least 45% of the time when she does bother.  She's never going to initiate any relationship; I will never get an email from her that's not a response to mine.   I can't buy, beg, or just  expect into existence her love or friendship.  I can't make her believe that I'm not the same as I was years ago, or that I'm actually not just a burden she's supposed to be nice to.  And my mother's promise? That was just words.  Words I've heard thousands of times.  Words that have now just resulted in a lot of hurt.  Words that if I weren't mentally ill might have come true.  But there is too much in our past and I will never prove myself to my sister, and no wonder because she's been hurt too many times.  And our childhood didn't exactly leave a lot of capacity for extra hurt.                                            

I feel for her.  As I said, I've hurt her.  I've also apologized, and I've also never done these things when it wasn't related to being acutely ill.  I've apologized for things I said that weren't wrong way too many times.  I've done everything I can do, and I still have no clue what to ever expect.  However, she has deeply wounded me as well, and in her case it is much more intentional.  I think she feels it's better to hurt me first than to be hurt.  Except I have no desire to hurt her.  None.  Ever.

My mother, master of denial, tries to tell me that I don't hear the sneer and anger in her voice that I say I do.  My mother seems to think I'm paranoid.  I'm well aquainted with paranoid.  Paranoid doesn't come while I desperately hope and pray for the opposite; paranoia I don't detect as a separate feeling, it is just the overwhelming sense of _____________ is going to get me.  For years I was very paranoid about showers.  I was sure someone would attack me in the shower.  Childhood association, but I was living alone with multiply locked doors and  the fear that kept me from showering except every other day was much stronger than my ability to reduce it to wants or feelings.  I believed I was in danger with every fiber of my being.  In contrast I have fought every urge I have had to accept that my sister doesn't like me much tooth and nail and the end result is that no, she doesn't.  If she did she wouldn't be so scornful and resentful when I asked a simple question.

I'm not saying she doesn't try.  Being the sibling of a mentally ill person isn't easy.  Last week she didn't cancel my scheduled visit because she didn't want to hurt me.  instead she left a fairly rude comment that let me know she didn't want me to come.  I understand she did not want to hurt me, but she treated me like I wasn't capable of understanding something as simple as "I'm overwhelmed.  Maybe next week?".  And that's so unfair because I do not tromp on people's lives just because I want to.  It's just that her trying only further shows how little she wants to try.

So, all this is another promise made that can't be fulfilled.  it's another thing that is going to hurt me forevermore. And that just isn't what I need.  Yet what can I do?  Cut her off?  That hurts me. Put up with it? That hurts me.  Confront her?  That somehow would hurt me, I have no doubt.

Mostly though, I wish my mother had shut up with the hope.  This messed up relationship is one of my greatest hurts and I can do nothing about it.  I hate that.

What I never thought my blog would do

After some thought today I realized that I am mid-episode.  I knew I was, sort of, but not that it was as acute as it currently is.  I am very mixed and that can be harder for me to see sometimes, especially when it presents like it is now, as profound fatigue combined with feeling well enough to do as much or more than usual.  The doctor has been contacted, I am resting.  I suppose I should try to get in with Dr. Mind since I cancelled my appt. this week due to CPR training, but I can't really say I have the energy to handle it even then.  So I won't.  Instead I'll work hard on staying medicated and resting and keeping lots of Klonopin in my system.

I also realize that when an episode starts to get worse and I start to feel worse I stop writing here.  I make all kinds of excuses, but I think that the truth is that I avoid writing here because then the truth would be too clear to me.

Hopefully I will do some good just by resting this weekend.  I had to wash my sheets because the cat tried to puke off the end of the bed but instead hit the bottom of it.  I did learn that vinegar and baking soda does an incredible job of removing cat puke discoloration from the cover of a bed platform (replaces a box spring with memory foam mattresses.

At least I've been lucky on Ebay.  I just won 9 scrub shirts and 9 pairs of pants.  Total cost:  $3/piece.  And these are all name brands and appear to be nice.  So yay for that one.I needed some bigger ones that I can wear shirts under as it gets colder in the next few months.

I'm getting sleepy again.  I hope my sheets are dry soon.  That would be a very happy thing.

Happy is good because I feel floored by my inability to see what was going on.  I knew my drs. thought so and I agreed that it was happening to some extent but I was surprised by what the degree Dr. Mind put in his insurance report.  But he's right.  I'm not so good right now.

I hate that.

Waiting

I don't know yet whether I got charged for the stupid motel room or not.  I am too tired to care.

Today has been emotionally hard.  I've had to admit that yes, I'm cycling, yes, I've been manic and doing way, way, way more than I should, and I have now hit the point of rest or else.   I'm going shopping with my mom for a while Saturday but otherwise I'm resting.  I cancelled the painter for this weekend and told him it may be a few weeks.  I also went back to 4 mg of klonopin per day today and that made work more bearable.

And with that I'm going to go to sleep.  More tomorrow.

Long time

I can't believe I've gone nearly a week without posting.  I maybe seen what Dr Mind means mumbling about mania.  I've been living one crazy life.  Work is very busy which is never easy.  And I've had a lot of extras this week I guess.

For example, right now I'm apparently in the midst of a huge fight to cancel a motel reservation.  They are trying to tell me I should have cancelled by 4 pm TWO days before I was planning to go there, and the funny part is that they think I should have cancelled prior to actually making the reservation.  I've been on hold for a ridiculous amount of time, I want to sleep and I can't until I can take care of this.  I am NOT paying them. No way.  And now I hung up on them for putting me on hold for so long and now I have to listen to Super 8's idiotic advertisement in an insanely cheerful voice.  Now they're back to convincing me I can cancel before I reserve.  And I'm on hold again. When I pointed out that it late at night they acted stunned,like they've never heard of timezones.    And I am sooooooooooo tired.  I also don't have money to throw away like this.  Little liar said he was connecting me and now I'm back on hold.I don't have it in me to fight like this.

I was supposed to go visit my sister.  She changed her mind because she hasn't slept in 2 days.  That's fine.  I have an email from 9:15 on the 25th saying I thought I'd book a motel.  I have a receipt from 6:31 AM the 26th saying I booked the room.  And now they say I should have cancelled by 4 pm on the 25th.  You know, before I had a reservation.

The worst of this is that I stay in Microtel weekly.  I spent a LOT of money there.  So now I'm being ignored (25 minutes on hold past my bedtime) and lied to-the last rep said he'd stay on the line to connect me.  They get 5 minutes then I demand a supervisor.  Immediately.  Make that 4 minutes actually.  3 now.

This week has been like this.  I got my arm caught under my passenger seat yesterday and about removed it trying to get free (my cell phone went under the seat and I was trying to get it back).  I had a painful conversation with someone yesterday about her need for more care than can be provided in the place she lived.  This woman is my mother's age and is going to be in a nursing home.  This kills me.  I've had so many people unreachable for so many reasons it's crazy.  And I'm worn out.  I even came home and took a nap before counseling.

My mom had some weird stuff happen with my painter today and now I feel strange.  I guess he kind of helped himself to food at her house. Which is weird. I thought they'd eaten some granola bars here the other day but wasn't sure.  Apparently at her house he ate a frozen dinner. Which is bizarre. I know they don't have a lot of money but are they hungry?  Or just inappropriate.

Motel situation:  45 minutes later I was told if they can sell the room they won't charge me if they sell the room.  Otherwise I'm out $70 and several hours of sleep.  I don't have $70 to throw away.  I have medical bills.  I still have huge amounts of credit card debt to pay off.  I'm saving money every wya I can, and staying down there to visit my sister was a concession to my fatigue.  And then I said I wouldn't come to be nice, and now it's costing me $70.

Nobody, of course, will admit that it isn't right to not overtly say "If you make this reservation it cannot be cancelled".  It does say when you attempt to make a reservation for tomorrow that it has to be cancelled by Aug. 25, but this is not in any way emphasized to show NO RESERVATION is possible.  I absolutely feel like I tried to do something nice and now it cost me $70 to be nice.  I feel like I did something horribly wrong and nobody cares, and I'm so tired and crying way too hard to fall asleep, and I'm sobbing and someone is standing at the edge of the nearby yard smoking and listening to me cry and probably to my conversation.

I'm promptly working shifting my reservations to another chain.   And I need to stop and go to sleep.  Sorry for the ranting.  not what I meant to write at all.  I just can't stand losing $ like that right now.

A guessing game

I think I've mentioned on here that I've hired a wonderful, wonderful young man to do odd jobs around this house, starting with repainting most/all of it.  (It's going to be all of it, I just have to make myself find a color for the living room).  We're also going to put down flooring and replace the plastic "woodwork" with real wood.  (Clearly one part at a time here).  So he and his fiance spent yesterday doing one of the most awful jobs in the world. I cracked up as I was getting something in my bedroom and heard him mutter "rednecks did this".  In Appalachia that's always possible.....And possibly true here.   As I've mentioned before, many, many shortcuts were taken when this house was built.  I think it is 21.  When I replaced the roof 2 years ago the roofer said the roof had the appearance of a 30 year old roof and had been done wrong to boot, making me very fortunate to have no had leaks.  The room they tackled yesterday as been my nemesis.  It's been the storeroom since I moved it, still decorated in footballs.  The prior owners (read idiots) had put wallpaper directly on the drywall without sealing it, then made it even worse by applying a border over that, then another layer of wallpaper, then another border, and the top 2 were that kid-proof paper that does not come off easily.  I've worked on it off and on for years and did not get very far.  Since I hurt my ankle I was pretty much out of commission on that room since I can no longer climb ladders safely.  I can, however, rip up carpet and that's what I did today.  Then I pulled up the tack strips.  And while I had the register cover off I wore a glove and pulled what I could out of the register.  Most of this pile is from that, a few small pieces were under the edge of the carpet where the baseboard had trapped them.

Good Lord, blogger just put a picture WHERE I PLACED IT. The improvements may be actual improvements.  Anyway, care to guess how much money I earned from that disgusting mess?  Also, what you you identify?  I'll give a complete listing later.

I also find it hilarious that it yielded one Pog.  Remember those?  I don't know what kids did with them but kids I babysat in the 90s had a big thing going with them. Oh, and at the top right corner, the long skinny thing that angles slightly to the right?  That would licorice.  Which has been in my vent for at least 8 years.  Yummy.......

I need to get to sleep. Tomorrow is early meeting day for 2 hours.  Blech.  and then I have to drag all that carpet outside.

More to come.

The Somnambulist

Have I ever mentioned my sleep-walking?  It's another facet of my sleep disorder which is partly bipolar, partly trauma related, and probably partly it's own animal.  I don't do it  much anymore.  When I was a kid I did it quite a bit.  The worst was a period of time when I would go and open the basement door every night.  We bred AKC puppies and we had a litter in there, so I put quite a bit of income at risk.  Finally my father saw me go down the stairs one night and followed me and found me opening the door then going back to bed.  I have no memory whatsoever.

 In the years I was a camp counselor we used to go on short trips for our breaks.  Once we went to Ocean City, college kid style.  We checked 6 people into a room saying it was for 2.  Dive would be a compliment for that place.  There were literally holes in the walls that contained things like used bars of soap.   The room was filthy and so tiny we barely got 6 people inside of it, much less comfortable.  The first night everyone went out drinking but me.  I didn't drink and I had just had a child who slept only a couple hours a night for 11 days.  I wanted nothing but sleep.  I vividly remember that I was wearing a red and white striped tank top and black shorts.  No bra or anything.  I woke up walking down the hallway of that scary, scary place with a great deal of exposure.  It's a miracle nobody assaulted me; I would have been defenseless.

There have been other times I've done it.  Sometimes I'll suspect it because something makes no sense, but I wont' know.  Other times I'm pretty certain, like the time I couldn't find my cat in the morning because I'd shut her in the garage (where I never make her go) during the night.  No clue why.

I haven't been aware of doing it in a long time, probably since Seroquel normalized my sleep so much more than anything in the past.  Well, I've done it again.  After a dental appointment confirmed that I'm chipping teeth and had broken off a bonded repair because I've not been wearing my bite guard I pulled it back out the other night.  It disappeared during the night, which happens sometimes because I'll pull it out and throw it and since it is clear it takes time to find it.  I've searched several times and tonight stripped the bed looking for it.  For some reason I finally decided to check the thing it soaks in, and in my sleep the other night I must have filled the holder with water, added efferdent and put the thing in there and sealed it.  Excellent way to hide it from myself.  I know I woke up wondering where it was, so I did that wih no consciousness at all.

I am very talented.