Praise God

I fell asleep at 9:30 last night and slept soundly until 3:30.  Which is SIX HOURS of sleep.  I needed that so much.

So happy today.

Live and learn

I have been finding out the last few weeks whenever it thinks about raining why my podiatrist says eventually I'll choose to operate on my ankle.  The arthritis HURTS.  I don't know if this is my new attempts to be aware of pain, or if it is because the pain is truly bad but last night I bravely emailed Dr. Body that I was ready to say something hurt and could I please try this new-ish treatment (it's a lidocaine patch that I had several patients successfully use for arthritis last year). And he said yes.   So in a few days I'll have pain relief option because I was able to see that something hurt too much to just tolerate it.  This is a very, very good thing.

I also suspect that I'll be having surgery in the summer of 2012.........I'll have FMLA and be past my short term disability pre-existing clause by then and ankle surgery and ice seem like a bad mix, plus summer is always harder for me to work, so if the pain continues I have that to look forward to.

I never thought that the arthritis would hurt so much.  I know it probably seems worse with my exhaustion and unstable mood right now, but still, it really hurts.

Regardless I'm really proud of myself because I admitted something hurt, first to me, then to a doctor, and I asked for something I can have so  we didn't have the usual pain-med dance.

Yay me.

When paranoia and reality collide.

I'm confused.  I hate being confused like this.

Here is what I know:  About a week ago I was quite disturbed because I was fairly sure I could hear a neighbor beating their dog.  I couldn't prove it, I couldn't even figure out where I was hearing this from. (I live on a hillside that they made a circular street which goes up and around.  I live at the bottom middle.  There are about 8 houses on the loop and our backyards all connect.  There are also houses across the street from the 8 houses in the cluster, more up on the top of the hill than down here.  That's a lot of places noises can come from).  I was really upset because I couldn't do anything about it, but I also wasn't sure.  For all I knew I was hearing 2 unrelated noises.  I have a big thing about animals being hurt, as in it completely freaks me out, so I don't always trust myself on that.

Those who were reading last fall and didn't lose the whole thing in the midst of my hospitalization saga may remember that just before that happened I had started to talk to Dr. Mind about my terror of guns.  I am pretty much phobic about them, and as we talked it because clear that I quite probably have had some terrifying experience with them that I don't remember.  I tend to link this to my fear of animals being hurt.  Where I come from, even here, culturally many people think euthenasia of pets is ludicrous.  When Fluffy gets sick or starts peeing every where or you just don't want Fluffy any more you um, take care of it.  People think it is ridiculous to pay for the vet to do it in a kinder way.  My suspicion is that I was exposed to something of this sort, whether it was on purpose to frighten me (child molester), someone not realizing I was around, or someone not caring I was there.  There's a lot of ways it could have happened, and it may not even have been an animal; guns were used to threaten people in my home as well.

Anyway, this weekend I woke up to the sound of gunshot followed by a dog yelping and whining, followed by another shot, a weaker yelp, then nothing.  So I'm fairly sure I heard someone shoot their dog.  Except that I am so far into this mixed episode that I can't trust that I didn't make that totally up.  Which is very frustrating.  I haven't dealt with too much paranoia for a while; mainly that was part of my life back in the days of no meds working.  And back then it was dreadful.  Even showers terrified me because I was sure someone would come into the bathroom and attack me (real part of my life), or that the floor wouldn't hold the tub and I'd fall through the floor into the basement (I was hyperaware of dry rot).

It's when paranoia may well be true that it is hardest.  I have no way to judge, and I don't know what is worse:  having that be true or having it be a very paranoid way of glomming together unrelated events.   Well, obviously it's worse if it is true, but at the same time making that up is also pretty scary.........

Anyway, time to start the exciting what does it take to sleep tonight routine.

Umph

I finally fell asleep last night after taking the so-called weekend dose of Seroquel (because it's a lot to handle when I have to wake up).  I woke up ok this morning, although I really want to go back to sleep.  Not sure how to handle that.  I would love to exercise, and that would wake me up, but it would also make me more tired because I don't have the energy right now to add things on to my life.

So instead I'm just really, really sleepy.  And I have no idea how to fix that.

Not good

After a really long time with Dr. Brain yesterday we had this plan.  I was going to reduce my potentially-mania-inducing patch dose during the week while taking the Seroquel dose I'd discovered I could tolerate well (700 mg).  Then on weekends I'd up my patch, hopefully giving enough boost to prevent bad depression, as well as upping the Seroquel to 750, which knocks me out thoroughly, letting me make up sleep lost during the week.

That was a great plan, but now 700 of Seroquel isn't knocking me out.  So I went back up to my full patch dose and took the 750 of Seroquel, work night or not.  Hopefully that will put me out soon.

I don't like this.  Maxing out on Seroquel could begin a major nightmare. So could too much sedation.

I hate not knowing how to make myself feel better.

Wow

Last night I had no idea if I took meds or not.  I must have, as I finally, finally slept 12 hours.  I honestly don't feel super now but am attributing that to tired.  I can't beleive I slept through alarms and my cat turning on verbal narration on  my computer (grr).

I have to go see Dr.Brain here in just a little bit,and then this weekend is hopefully rest and get my space bar to work normally weekend. (stupid cat. She's adventure happy lately.  I have the cold air return vents off in 2 places from the painting. I heard this crazy noise the other day. It was the cat in the duct work.  All typos are courtesy of her as she's insistnet on helping here.).

I got an email yesterday that I have qualified for my company trip next spring.  3 days at a resort in Mexico,totally free including flight.  Too bad I'm quitting......

Anyway, I need to get ready for Dr.Brain.  I just don't want to-sooooooooooooo tired.........

This is making me CRAZY

Two nights ago I got to sleep around 9:30. Therefore I woke at 2:30 and got 50 very broken more minutes of sleep.  Now apparently I'm acclimated to 700 mgs of Seroquel and I'm wide awake at 9:30, despite having left home at 7, worked my butt off until 6:15 after starting at my first pt. on the way down to work, and I came to the motel and did the whole days' paperwork completiong.  I've had my meds, including my max of Seroquel.  And I'm wide awake and anxious.  Not good.

I know that my body has incredible powers when it comes to soaking up sedatives.  But really????????????  This is insane.  I am so extremely tired and yet I'm just not sleepy.

Today I also had to accept that my medical expenses for the year are not over. 2 months ago a bonded area on one of my front teeth snapped off.  My dentist said it was from grinding my teeth and that the whole tooth was broken all over and it should have been crowned originally and that it would probably crumble and get sharp edges and I'd need a crown.  I woke up to a shredded lip this morning, so I'm working on scheduling the stupid crown.  That will be 3 in 3 years and they are expensive.  I am going to be very close to $3000 from ready to buy a car (I hope) this weekend and this is not going to help.  I don't really know where this money is coming from.  Oh well, it will appear somehow, even if it is my overtime pay rather than sending all of that to Discover.

I got the neatest deal online.  My sister wanted to cloth diaper.  My mother and I gave them 6, I gave her 3 more, and she bought a few.  Nobody else got them for her.  So that means she is having to mix in disposables and I could see how sad that made them.  The diapers she wanted changed styles and I found them on sale, buy 6 get 2 free.  Christmas! I thought. Well, I then got an email that they are out of the old ones but are going to give me 8 of the new ones for the sale cost, saving me $36.  I'm so happy.  I love saving money.

And I think I might fall asleep if I roll over and read something.  Time to try anyway.  I hate to drag out more meds but I may have to.  I guess the good this is with my paperwork done I can sleep late if I can.

Something with substance soon, I promise. I have Dr. Mind tomorrow and Dr. Brain Saturday so between them something is sure to come up.

More about my mother/Update on me

This really just came up with Dr. Mind last week.  So it's still new to me and I'm not sure where we'll go with it.  But among all the other things that come up if I decide to go near the "my mother hurts me" door, which I haven't done much but seem to be a lot lately as I learn gradually to use the word "angry".  I think that there are a lot of times that I still believe her not-realistic versions of things, and I have to start focusing on the fact that she is not only infallible, she also has an extreme capacity for denial.  And with that capacity she can sound very confident and matter-of-fact and just right, when really she is very, very wrong.  But I don't always look for what is wrong in her statements, even if they hurt me.  I think(?) I wrote on here last week about finally figuring out that her years of promising that my sister and I will be good friends someday was not true.  Dr. Mind was somewhat horrified by this, pointing out that first, she can't know this, second, she's making promises about other people, not herself, and third it is unfair to both my sister and I to make this almost a directive.  For so long part of why I've tried so hard with my sister is that I thought I was supposed to,and that if I tried hard enough I could fix everything.  Not true, as it turns out.  In reality I can't do more than I do.  I initiate emails.  I initiate contact.  I make a big effort to be involved with my niece.  And my sister does little back.  In fact I got the baby something that apparently has kept her content for hours at a time, letting my sister actually work without trying to nurse at the same time, and my sister has told my mom all about how much she loves it but I've not heard a thing., except from my mother.  But I'm only 50% of the relationship and if she doesn't try it doesn't matter what I hope for.  Which is a concept I find painful as sometimes it seems like life is all about not getting what I hope for, but that's another topic for when I'm not mid-mixed episode which does give everything a negative slant.

I had labs today, and hopefully will find out I need more thyroid medication.  That would actually not be surprising since I've got several symptoms of out-of-whack thyroid, and since it's easy to fix it would be a very good thing. I also had a lithium level and a test to be sure my body, mainly my kidneys are handling things with the extra lithium.

I also heard from Dr. Brain and I have possibly been thrusting myself into klonopin withdrawl.  Apparently on the dose I'm taking you can't just take what you wish without risking withdrawl symtpoms.  Gotta say, I'm proud of myself for that one.

Anyway, it's so good she's being very involved as this feels like the edge is near and I cannot go over it.  Not now.  Hopefully I'll respond to this much medication and all will improve this week.  We'll see.

More of what I was saying last night

First, to anonymous, I really appreciate how respectful you are trying to be.  I used to get so tired of people telling me my family life sounded like a soap opera.  It was awful, and obviously there is an unease that goes with having your family be known as "one of THOSE PERVERT teachers".  

I think that when something is written on here it is immediately up for discussion, unless I ask otherwise, which I have done from time to time.  In fact I hope to have discussion.  I find other people's opinions very helpful because sometimes my thinking isn't very clear.  Also, other people don't have all the emotional engagement that I do.  Sometimes the emotional engagement is bad.  I know that I will ignore my mother hurting me frequently because I can't stand the idea of giving up both my parents.  And selfishly I need help from her sometimes.  But also she has tried.  She doesn't get it, and she doesn't often follow through with what she should, but she tries.  Last year when I was too sick for Thanksgiving she managed to arrange for it to just be her and I and we ate a roast, nothing fancy or tricky.  That gets her a lot of credit.  Where she loses credit is that she wasn't a good mother in many ways when I was a kid; she tends to be judgmental and decides that I'm being negative when I am being factual, or that I don't interpret things right (ie my sister being mean to me).  She think she can read my symptoms but she couldn't be further from the truth a lot, nor can she come to any level of understanding about how sick I really am at times.  However, I also know that sometimes this is simply her denial, her fear that the things she did caused this or made it worse.  And there is no way to know.

I need to go to get blood drawn then see a few patients, so I'm going to stop writing and get moving.

(Essentially the point here:  as long as you are fair and polite I don't care what is said here; I like new ideas. If I'm not well enough to want other's input I will always say so).

Answer to a good question

Anonymous wrote (and others have probably wondered):

I have wondered about your relationship with your mom... from the comments you have made, specifically last fall, it seems very obvious she doesn't understand your medical condition. Or, that she doesn't want to. Then this lack of understanding translates to "what do I tell so and so...." or "come and watch my dog no matter HOW you are feeling" - Arghh! It has to be frustrating. And you also must be a very forgiving person. I cannot say I would be as willing to have a relationship with anyone who did not take extreme measures to stop the abuse of a little girl. And then, to see that the ramifications were dealt with properly. It was a different time then, but still... that you are able to forgive her makes you even that much more amazing in my eyes! I will be reading, but I am not sure I should make comments like this. After all, it's not a novel, it is your life. Too, I am wondering if my thoughts are rude, destructive , and/or insensitive.

It's a good question.  The answer is no, it does not bother me.  My  mother has done some horrible things and said some incredibly insensitive ones.  What upset me yesterday is a great example.  After I found out that my parents had known I was being sexually abused and they did nothing I was so angry that I finally cut things off with my father permanently and minimized my discussions with my mother.  I then chose to go to graduate school far away.  Being away from her was only one reason for my move.  All of my reasons were good and  valid and most importantly extremely important to me because every decision I've made about my life since then has been mainly based around "can my illness and I do this?".

I actually benefit from hearing people say something she has done is wrong, insensitive, unkind, etc.  Because of how I grew up it's very hard for me to just know these things sometimes.  And one of the things that I will have to address some day soon with Dr. Mind is how very angry I am with my mother.

Everything is so complex with her.  We went a long time without much of a relationship.  Now I just try to be realistic; she has significant limitations in what understands; she has a lot of feelings of guilt, and she does try to help. She just isn't built to help without hurting sometimes.  This doesn't negate the past and that there is a huge amount I have refused to deal with in this topic, but I've just made a decision over the years to try to accept who she is, even if she can't do the same for me.

I'll write more on this tomorrow or soon.  I'm falling asleep sitting up as my meds kicked in about 5 minutes ago.