Meet Anneheuser

1. I became a dancer at 40, much to my surprise.


I always wanted to dance.  I won't be doing that now with the stupid ankle injury though.  I did get a ballet thing for my Wii. Now I just need to have time and energy to use the wii.2. I love to sing in choirs.
You can't meet a worse singer.  Seriously.  Even I hate hearing me sing.

3. I just pulled off my bookshelves a selection of books covering the world's major and some of the minor religions for a friend.


I have so little non-fiction.  I used to, but somehow as life as gone on and I've been too ill to comprehend it I've moved far away from it.  I really don't read even fiction much now. I listen to so many books on CD while working and commuting I think it's kind of my book quota.  I have started throwing in classics that I never read because we didn't have  "real" literature in high school where we read and learned about books (school couldn't afford  books, nor could families) and I had one literature class in college that made no sense since I had no foundation in literature from high school as they assumed and there isn't a remedial literature class.
No questions right now but I danced tonight and am tired.
  
Exercise......I miss it.  I know sometime soon, but I miss it....

Meet WinnyNinnyPoo

I am going to do this individually, because you are all pretty regular here and deserve recognition.  I tend to stink at answering comments, something I'm trying to do better at.  I have comment moderation off now, which makes it easier for me to do this. I think.

Anyway:

WinnyNinny PooPoo said...

1. I'm always tired.

sounds about right to me....I will be so glad when I'm declared stable enough to be less medicated.  I hate being tired constantly.2. Amish people live next door.

Did I ever tell you that I used to work in a county with one of the highest Amish populations in the country?  So I had Amish patients and Amish co-workers.  In fact, remember the reality show "Amish in the City"?  I worked with one of the stars of that show after it was over, until she moved away for nurses' training.  I learned a lot doing that, because I had to learn to manage Amish clothing to help them learn. Let's just say they do not get dressed in a rush when they are running late.....I also learned that by appealing to someone to appeal to the church I could actually get permission for my patients to wear English clothes (sweats usually) while healing if they couldn't manage their regular clothes. I don't remember doing this for any women, but did for men several times.  I've also lived on the edge of Pennsylvania's Amish country.  I also experienced first hand the high rate of bipolar disorder in the Amish population.  It tended to be severe and was sad.

3. I love fall.
Me too!  I think I mainly love it because I finally won't feel tired and sick from heat all the time. Assuming fall ever comes here.  It's been in the mid-90s all week.

Are there any other bipolar individuals in your family? [I have a relative who is bipolar, and her father is bipolar]

Probably.  My father is nearly definitely bipolar, and like me he'd be severe mixed type.  There are many ways we differ in illness (including my actual diagnosis and agreement to treatment and he would just be paranoid and run away if confronted with it, and he is much more impulsive and violent than I ever was.  But the fear that his rage could become mine is something I am just now starting to work on.  (OK, something I just realized as I typed that).  I know I don't seem scary now, but I had my moments years ago of being 63"of sheer rage.

My mother also thinks her mother is probably bipolar.  I've never met this grandmother because when she was about my age she moved to Florida after her divorce, then brought my aunt and uncle back up here to stay with relatives, I think "for the summer".  During that time she just walked out on her life.  Either she was on drugs or suspected of it,  and she was assumed to be dead when my whole childhood.  When I was 19 she suddenly called first her sister then her mother.  She's spent the last 16 years being manipulative.  My mother went to visit her last year and found her to be horribly selfish before anything else.  I've spoken to her on the phone once, but that it is all the contact I'll ever have.  There's nowhere to start.

I also have at least one cousin with probably bipolar/diagnosis of bipolar?  I'm not sure which; I've not seen this cousin in 20 years.  Her brother told me that he's nearly positive and again a glance at her life shows the likelihood of it.  Or he said she'd been diagnosed.  I can't remember.

And I have an uncle who lived a bipolar-like existence; he just died.  Again, hadn't seen him in 20 years so this is based on faint memories and family stories.  On the other hand he was the one my grandfather severely abused in that generation.  I don't know about sexually, but physically it was severe.

So genetically I had little chance.  That's part of why I'll not have children, I will not pass this on and it would be quite likely.

Your Turn

I have a great deal on my mind right now.  It was an intense hour with Dr.Mind.  Poor Dr. Mind, I don't think he was hoping for me to go into a huge deep topic quite yet, but he rebounded fast but won't let me committ to doing this until I've reacted for a few days.

So instead of my just posting nothing, your turn.  You can be anonymous, but let's play 2 games.  You can play one or both.  Game one is tell us 3 random things about you.  Again, keep it as anonymous as you'd like. Game two is ask me anything.  I think there is almost literally nothing I've not written about so I'm an open book. What do you want to know?

The next step

Tomorrow I see Dr. Mind.  I'm apparently going to never get through the post about last week, but Dr. Mind said some incredibly nice things about me, including that I'm one of the strongest people he has known.  We have worked quite a bit on my accepting that I deserve credit for where I am, but this came from seemingly nowhere and means a ton because Dr. Mind does not hand out compliments easily.  He said I almost never have complained in the last 4 1/2 years.  Clearly he does not read my blog :).  But since I remember a dark time when I was feeling better and he was interpreting most of what I said to have a negative slant when it wasn't intended that way, this is a big, big deal.  I remember back then saying to him "You seem to think I see everything negatively.  Do you know that I have a sarcastic sense of humor?  And sometimes I'm trying to be funny and you see it as something bad."  And then we had a difficult discussion all those years ago about he didn't know that about me, he didn't know anything but the very sick person I'd been most of the time he knew me.  So going to see Dr. Mind is a feel-good proposition.  Sort of.  Because the compliments won't continue now, we're going to go to the hard stuff again.

I've talked here about being angry with my mother, and I have with him as well.  But I just figured out this weekend, based on the "I can't drive because I'm too groggy/But the food was expensive" conversation that my mother has assigned roles.  I realized earlier this summer that she thinks I have an extremely negative outlook because I won't say my illness will go away.  But in her mind I am "the sick one".  And her maintenance of that has meant that my problems with my sister have a great deal to do with her, because she has assumed everything I've said has been me making things bad even when she has seen it, and she doesn't stand up for me.  I'm sure there is more but I'm getting sleepy.

Oh, but one big huge piece of news:  I have a cubicle!  After almost 5 months of using other people's desks I have my very own desk/cubicle.  Hooray!!!!!!!!!This means I can actually not carry everything I might ever need in my car.  I am so happy.......

And now, goodnight.

Yeek

I just fired my handyman.  He actually had the nerve to email that yes, he came on Saturday and my car was here but I wasn't home (I was sleeping.  However, I'm pretty sure I was awake when he came as my cat reacted).  He claims he took the papers but there wasn't a check in the mailbox.

Problems with this:
1)  There WAS a check in there. I very carefully put in there.
2)  He took the papers and didn't do the work.  Why????????
         2a)He may have been confused by not being home, but in that case you call me, you do the work anyway since I wasn't supposed to be home and everything needed was outside,
3)  My mom pointed out he may well have cashed the check, knows it hasn't cleared and therefore is hoping I"ll pay him again for the same job.  It's a good point since I'd assume he knows he's is finished here.
4)  There was too much protestation in the email.  I don't know was used 3 times in 4 sentences.
He does too know.

He also sent her an email that was a whole different story than mine, about how he got fired, doesn't understand why, must have been so good he threatened his boss, needs work desperately.  Well, I *know* why he got fired; he didn't show for his shift over the weekend, during the time he was busy stealing from me.  It's like he thinks we don't talk.

Ugh......

Better

I had a moment of sheer panic today when I was looking at check 1020 made out to the handyman and so was the bank and their check read $100 more than  mine.  Then out of nowhere I discovered I'd inadvertently ordered duplicated numbers on my checks and there were 2 1020 checks written to the handyman.

I bought new locks and will install them in the morning.  Just what I want to do at 4 am, but I'm supposed to be in bed now and I'm nothing if not compliant.  And the thing does need done before I go tomorrow so I don't worry.

Surprisingly my trust isn't as shaken as I thought.  I'm going to contact the local church to see if anyone is interested, maybe a high school kid.  As soon as that check is cashed and I can see the signatures I am ready to write an email ending his employment.  I know what it will say:  simply that I'm sorry that he felt he needed to take money, that I would have been happy to help him out had he asked, and that after this and the multiple no-shows particularly on something I'd told him had a very specific deadline I have no choice but to not offer him more work.  If he does cash the check I'll probably tell him that I am not reporting him to the police and that he should take that as the one time life will give him grace on such a thing, and that asking for help is much higher than stealing what isn't his.   Worded differently, but that's the point.  For that matter he could have EARNED that money in no time; the mailbox job was maybe an hour of work.  And had he asked I could have come up with a few more jobs similar to that.   Instead he has now cost me one evening of upset, time I have to still spend going through my banking and making sure nothing in my house is missing; $70 of new locks and a simple alarm system because I have every intention of scaring him if he thinks he's coming in here, and time and effort to install those locks.  Not that I wanted to do anything else anyway...........

The thing is that overall, I'm starting to do well again, although I'm exhausted.  I had a friend confide some scary stuff that had been being kept from me so I wouldn't get upset and I was able to gently tell the friend that I don't need protection anymore as hard as that is to adjust to.  I did confront my mother yesterday, even though it didn't go well.  The regional person who assesses documentation said that mine was so good the only problem was that sometimes I document too much (carryover from nursing homes I suspect) and that's an awesome compliment.  And I have a sweet kitty curled up in arms while I write and another laying on my side, and that's a pretty good life.

So much for trust

I've worked so hard on trust, and fortunately what I've learned mostly will stick.  But I had my trust shaken to the core this evening.  This has NOT been a good day.......

I've talked about the kid I hired for odd jobs.  I was so proud to trust him enough to let him be in my home alone.  I even at one point left a key out for him.  But when he didn't come for some reason or another I brought it in.  Thank God.  Sometime after that he mentioned something about "picking it up" that I ignored; he certainly was not getting a key permanently.  Anyway, I had to cancel big stuff on him a while back because of money and because of my episode. I'd asked him though to come by and put up a mailbox for me.  Which he has proceeded to not do, repeatedly, but always with a good reason.  He was supposed to come today.  Again.  Because of rapidly changing plans I've had the things to do it sitting outside for about a week, which the directions and a check clipped together inside.

As I said I slept most of today.  At one point I knew the cat had pulled down the curtains in the living room, but that happens.  So I ignored it and it wasn't until later when I was fixing the curtains that I thought to look out to see if he had done his job.  I was horrified to see the  stuff still on the porch with the mailbox open and moved.  Sure enough, all the papers were gone.

A series of text messages and phone calls with his fiance revealed that he disappeared Friday night.  He called into work with a story about a sick grandfather that wasn't true (I've had that excuse before too) and switched shifts, and then never showed for that shift.  Apparently nobody knows where he is.

I don't know that he stole it.  It could have been a kid.  I suspect otherwise, and that he grabbed everything when the cat pulled down the curtain.  I'm not going to stop payment, I'm going to let it be cashed and compare the writing to a previous check on the signature part.  Essentially I'm letting him hang himself with it.   From there I don't  know.  I may file a police report, but it seems like so little to wreck someone's life over. I wish he'd asked.  If I knew he needed 24 stinking dollars I would have given him $50.  But stealing means no more work for him.  No showing AGAIN and causing me to have to pay for a PO Box which makes my life difficult for another 6 months (I can't pick up packages because I am gone while they are open except on Saturdays) is enough.  I can paint myself if I have to; I can't be on and off a ladder but I bet I can find a sturdy something to stand on  instead.

Anyway, that's the end of my really crappy day.  Tomorrow has to be better.......

So angry

I'm beginning to realize that this episode of mine partly has to do with how incredibly angry I am with my mother.  Somehow my niece's birth made a lot of this much more real, or caused repeats of things that I'd gotten over being mad about.

Today was a great example of why I am so angry.  We were supposed to have a family thing today.  My sister's family came yesterday to avoid a huge amount of driving in one day with the baby.  I already knew I wasn't going to get a huge day of rest because I had to get my hair cut and some stuff like that.  Then my cat woke me at 3 and I couldn't get back to sleep.  And then I fell apart after the loss of my expensive bra, and napped a little,but not enough.  I'd already decided to go down last night for a while because I wanted to see my niece and knew I could do that better if it weren't crowded, and I knew as long as I slept Saturday night I could be done for an hour or so today.  I'd already warned my mother about this, as well as that I had promised Dr. Mind to do nothing stupid like not take meds in whatever dose was needed if I wasn't sleeeping even if it meant missing out today.  She was away.  So I went down, made supper, visited after people came for a while and went home to bed and then couldn't sleep.

Well, last night was bad.  I had to heavily knock myself out.  And when I still couldn't walk straight at 10 I called my mom to tell her I probably wasn't going to make it although I'd try.  Her response?  (This totally sealed the deal on why I am so mad at her.  I can barely think of a more insensitive thing).  "But I spent $25 on salmon!  I don't want to waste it!".  Yeah, thanks for the concern.  Glad you care that I fell like I took a horse tranquilizer.  Glad you care that maybe I don't want to miss out but that I have to.  Again.  And that you knew this was possible because I've said it all along.  I know in her mind she thinks I saw the baby last night and that's all I care about.  When really I wanted to do this differently but well, my family doctor says that the meds I'm normally on are way more than he's ever seen an awake person take.  And when I am taking the "I can't sleep" dose I am taking 50 mg less than the maximum possible dose of seroquel period (although people do take more) and 150 mg over the official max dose for my version.  So it's going to knock me out.

I just called again.  She's pouting.  That's the best way I can describe.  No concern about how I feel, very chilly with me, and rather than answer questions "I put pictures up on facebook".  Thanks...In the meantime the meds didn't wear off until 4, I still feel wiped out and am going to start getting ready for bed now (7 pm), and we've added tremendous guilt.

I think she does 2 things.  One is she often defines me by my illness. My pain at not getting along with my sister as I'd like to?  The problem has something to do with what is wrong with me.  She's never going to say that, but I know it is what she thinks.  The second is that she thinks I use it as an excuse to avoid things, like lots of people including my sister-in-law.  Again, NOT TRUE.  I go to what I can, and I use meds to get me through them.  But when I say I can't it is because I can't.  And I am tired to death of her mindset that I'm lying or manipulating the truth.  I cannot remember EVER using bipolar to get out of something, because I promised myself years ago that I would do whatever I could realistically do as long as I could do it.  I knew I'd miss out on things and I don't want to miss out on more than I had to.  Plus I miss enough because of it, I don't want it to be the go-to reason.  And I really resent the feeling I do use it, because of how hard I try NOT to do that.

I can't believe she doesn't think I wanted to try today.  I have had her birthday gifts waiting for months.  And I wanted to give them to her.  And despite what she thinks, while my family is hard for me to tolerate for long, I don't purposefully avoid them.  I do, however, do what I've been taught to do and monitor what I can handle.  Today it was clear driving was not going to happen.  So that was it. Plus i desperately needed more sleep.

I can't believe how frsutrated I am right now.  And so very tired..........

So much for that post

I've been working on a post about how Dr. Mind gave me a really nice gift this week with some words.  I'll post it later.  Right now I've crashed from "doing better" back to crying.  Why?  Well, I've been up since 3.  My cat.  Again.  I'm going to nap soon, but am doing something else first.

Anyway, I ordered some bras because I was getting heat rash from underwires.  I had to search pretty hard to find non-underwire bras that are still very supportive, but I did.  One of them, the expensive one, was too big and so I returned it.  I wanted to insure and certify, but they can't do that and the postmaster implied certification was plenty.  So when it came back to me I was a little concerned.  I never even began to guess how bad it really was though.  The envelope was ripped open from the bottom during shipping and the Dallas post-office sent it back with the word "empty" on it.  So I'm out $70 because I listened to the postmaster and some pervert probably has my bra since it looks as if the envelope may have been opened purposefully.  The seams weren't stressed when I sent it and they have been very neatly opened everywhere except where I taped the top before I sent it.

I will now be using UPS or FedEx for all shipping......

Again!

I fell asleep at 9:30 and woke about 2 and was sort of in and out from there.  But I more or less got 7 hours of sleep, even though it was broken.  Even 5 solid hours is a major improvement though.  My mood is much better.

The only problem is I can't figure out how to not need to work on Saturday, at least without missing seeing pts. who need to be seen, unless I can get some refusals for tomorrow.

This is stressful.  I hate it.  I also didn't actually charge my laptop last night, I thought it was plugged in but it was loose so I'm going to have no charge on it all day.  Blagh.

At least I feel better.  Way too tired, but better..........