Horrible

I can't go into any detail right now and probably won't for months until certain legal things are resolved.  (I personally am not in trouble).  But today began with a phone call at 5 AM that something had happened that has shaken my family to the core. Nothing will ever be the same.  Hopefully someday I will find a way to live with the questions I've been left with. 

I can say that something happened that brought out many questions about my past that I will have to find ways to answer.  At the same time my family (my mother especially) is suddenly having to face parts of my past that have never been considered before.  And I am not the main character in this story.  It is something that defies all that I thought I knew about my life and familiy and unfortunately it means that some very sad things will be happening. 

There are deep hurts that came into being today and everyone is hurt a little differently.  Life will never be the same after 4/4/14 and not in a good way.

God works in amazing and fabulous ways....Last night I absolutely could not sleep.  I had no reason, it was one of the worst nights I've had in a long time.  Finally at 4:30 I got up at took 2 mg of Klonopin which is a pretty hefty dose since I'd had 2 mg along with my other sleeping pills at 10:30 the night before (and I'm on so much Seroquel now that I should never be awake).  At 5 the phone rang and the nightmare began.  If I hadn't had the huge dose of Klonopin in me I would have had a very severe panic attack and my mom was busy handling other things.  Instead I panicked more quietly and contacted Dr. Brain for more meds.  I am now taking another anxiety med a couple times a day when it gets unbearable, although thus far it hasn't helped.  But seriously if I hadn' that odd dose I would still be feaking out.  Instead I fell asleep after a few hours, woke with a migraine, took a migraine pill, slept some more and woke with 3 hours of sleep for the day.  Not bad considering.   We'll see if I can match that today.

There is just so much loss and sadness and anger and hatred at times and the knowledge that life is never going to be the same again and not in a happy way. 

I will post more about this and I'll explain eventually but for now I just can't.  I can't because my heart will break, because I have too much to work out, because it isn't my story and because of the aforementioned legal stuff.

For now I am cuddled up with 2 cats who want me to feel better (and who are cold) and that's a good thing.  Life just hurts sometimes, a LOT.

Oops

 I think I've made a bit of a mistake.....I have an appointment Monday with a doctor in the orthopedics department at Cleveland Clinic who has ankle instability as one of numerous conditions she treats listed.  I was happy to find a female surgeon.  Unfortunately I just looked at her profile again and she's not a surgeon.  She's a physiatrist (rehab doctor) and sports med and she treats these things but non-surgically. 

I'm still going because maybe she can help somehow and maybe she can get me into a surgeon faster than I would have managed without a referral.  She may have some things to try without surgery, who knows.  The ankle surgeon was pretty sure that surgery was the only choice but maybe something else will help.

It may turn out to be a waste of a day and a tank of gas.  But I really didn't catch that she was just part of the orthopedics department, not an orthopedist.  That's a little tricky.

I saw a video she did as an education thing and she seems nice on that which is always a good thing.  I hope she knows a really nice ankle surgeon who can see me soon.  I have gotten myself used to the idea of doing this soon and if I have to wait months to see a surgeon then a month or two to set up surgery and the MAOI protocol I will have gotten myself ready way too soon.

Nonetheless, leave it to me to pick the wrong specialist.

Sweet Irony

A few hours ago I posted about how little I wanted to earn swagbucks today.  It can be tedious work but the payoff is that I earn gift cards that let me buy books for my Nook, music, gifts for my nieces, and random things.  Right now I'm saving for a new ipod as my current one is about 8 years old and is full.  I'm actually going to get a refurb one and I'll pay some money for it but I'll paypal my way to affording it.  With a long trip for vacation coming, the fact that I use my ipod regularly both in the car and to sleep and am unreliable about bringing it in and out all the time and surgery coming faster than I want to think about the money will be well spent.  But I have to go on the site and earn it.

For those who don't know swagbucks is a site that lets you earn points by watching ads, doing surveys, doing searches with their search engine, and completing various offers.  Sometimes it is great.  Often it is a little boring but something I can do while reading a book and with the sound off.  Most days I earn about 100 points which is $1.  I spend anywhere for 30 minutes on an awesome day to 2-3 hours on it.  Sometimes that is just searches when I'm interested in something and I'll get 20-50 points for searching a lot. 

Today I didn't want to do it.  But I did and it was one of the best days for surveys I've ever had plus I got 50 points for requesting an insurance quote.  I wound up earning 350 points today which is awesome.  So migraine that refuses to go away aside I am pretty pleased.  Something worked out today.  Maybe tomorrow the entire worker's comp/Medicare issue will be resolved.  Who knows?  if nothing else surely my migraine will be gone.  I've taken just about everything I can for this and it has been stubborn.  The best fix for some reason was a can of decaff Coke.  I suppose the sugar helped but I ate some sugary stuff earlier as low blood sugar is a big trigger for me and I didn't grab a snack this afternoon.  Whatever.  I got a lot of points and I'm very happy.

And now I must feed my cat again.  And again and again.  She's starving today.  Whatever makes her happy, as long as she eats it.  And she does.  Sometimes 3 cans, sometimes 5, per day. She can't eat crunchies since her surgery.  But she eats well despite that.  Go Anna.  (My cat food budget is embarrassing.  People always ask in the pet store if I have a lot of cats.  No........just 2 but one eats like 6 regular cats.......I pretend I buy for a month at a time but it is really 2 weeks.  And I don't tell anyone what I spend......:)

Why me?

I don't ask that question often because the answer is "why not me?".  But today I'm overwhelmed and that is where my head is.

Last night I just couldn't get sleepy or settled.  It finally occurred to me that I'd gone through my usual med routine but without taking meds.  That was at 3:30 and I had appointments today so I took a small amount and was asleep for a few hours about 5. 

My 2nd appointment was with the ankle dr.  I got a call as I was walking in to pay at Dr. Mind's office from them.  They said Medicare had declined my last visit because worker's comp was my primary insurance.  I said "huh, I haven't worked in 3 years, that makes no sense, I'll call them and fix it."  Ha.  I called them and was given another # to call.  I called that number and was told electronically I had a 2 hour wait.  Since I'd opted out of a return call I hung up and dialed again.  This time I got a person immediately.  This is was in the middle of Target since I'd assumed I'd have a 2 hour wait.  She was rude and I wound up telling her several times to not be rude and not treat me like I was stupid.  It turns out that in March 2011 I fell on ice walking to work and sprained my right (good) ankle.  I saw the ankle dr. then and my right ankle was treated through worker's comp.  For some reason the claim wasn't closed and when they submitted the claim for this left ankle it triggered that old claim.  And there is not a lot I can do.  I can write a letter.  I can go to social security and hopefully they can help.  Or I can for Medicare to send a letter and take care of it, but the rude person didn't say that would actually happen.  So tomorrow I'll go to the social security office and try to work it out.  I didn't see the dr. today and while I'll be able to see the surgeon next week after that the billing will do the same thing and I will be stuck, unable to schedule surgery or anything else, until it is cleared up.  I only worked 5 months longer after than injury.  It was minor and now it is messing my life up.  I am sure they're going to want me to pay up front and I can't do that. 

The dr's office also really annoyed me.  I called last week to request xrays and MRI reports.  THey said I could get them when I was in today.  I offered to come in sooner or whatever they needed to make it work.  But when I mentioned that today they said I didn't give them much time, it would be difficult to get them together etc.  They did it but I was pretty upset that I bothered to call.  To them they probably feel they don't have much need to invest in me since I'm going elsewhere for surgery.  But what the office staff doesn't know if that I hardly have a choice about that.  it's a medical necessity to have surgery where they are capable of managing my MAOI without harming me.

The xrays aren't very clear.  I can see the potential fracture and based on where it pinches when I step I'd say it is there.  They are not very good quality though so it's hard to tell; it's hard to see the old fracture that is definitely there.  I can see the malalignment of the bones from the damaged ligaments.  (The dr. showed it to me before and after it's pointed out it's pretty obvious). 

It truly was a tough day.  I wanted to go somewhere with Dr. Mind.  I don't know where but I need to talk about something, I just don't know what.  We've been taking a break from hard stuff for a few sessions and I feel like we should "go" but have no idea where.  I got a migraine and have not had much success getting it to go away, even using my triptan.  I think vicodin finally got it after 2 doses of advil, the triptan and a lot of rest.  I also had a random bloody nose which made me check my blood pressure, which was fine but up for me.  I thought I may have eaten something not MAOI approved although no idea what. 

On the happy side I got home and after a 4 month absence the plumber had returned and dug a place for my septic tank which is to be here tomorrow.  It looks like there is at least some chance for moving in April if he just sticks around and finishes each of his few things.  He's been told we want another plumber b/c of his irresponsibility so he should be on good behavior.  We'll see. 

It's just been a really long, really rough day.  I'm hoping that my psych meds are going to work double duty tonight and get me some extra rest.  We'll see.  I haven't done swagbucks for 2 days now which isn't good.  Some days it just is too much but the only way they accumulate is to do them consistently.  Oh well.

Oh and in the middle of the chaos I had a message from Dr. Brain's office.  I heard the wrong message though, one waiting to be deleted that I thought was the new one and so I returned the call regarding the old message and confused both of us.  When I found the right message today it sounds like Emsam approved me for patient assistance.  That is HUGE.  It means I can afford my meds all year without selling a cat or two (and frankly 2 old cats probably don't bring much on the street :). 

Anyway, hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Where to begin?

I don't actually remember where I left off, but I'll take a wild guess without bothering to look back and say that my cat has the same kind of fatty tumor that my other cat has had for many years and which I thought it probably was from the feel of the lump.  Unless it grows it will stay put and be fine.  Thank God.  Losing the dog has been excruciatingly painful.  Losing my boy at the same time would be beyond tolerance.

In other news I will be seeing an orthopedist next week and planning ankle surgery for as soon as possible after we return from vacation in June.  I hurt my ankle yet again (I think that the unclear fracture is a fracture and that I increased it a bit when I tried to chase my niece the other day) and don't think I can really safely walk without a support on, which goes completely against my beliefs as a therapist (over-supporting a joint just makes it weaker.  But I think my ankle is as weak as it can get and that a support is going to be necessary until it is fixed.

My bipolar episode has more or less leveled off.  I'm not in a good place and my sleep is still crappy (writing this at 2:30 am and wide awake) but I'm not out of control anymore.  I don't know what Dr. Brain will want to do when I see her next.  I'm hoping we can try another Seroquel increase since the last did help.  I am on a huge dose but I know she uses higher doses than I'm on occasionally and I feel better about more of it than an addition of something I don't know.  I also know that I'm a good candidate for extreme dosing because my body tends to require huge doses of meds to respond (or tiny doses of some meds are too much). That may change when I talk to her; side effects alone may make me change my mind.

I'm backing down to seeing Dr. Mind once a week again this week I think and that's good. 

I've had time to watch just my younger niece the last 2 weeks.  Anne is hard for me to handle right now because I Don't think fast enough to keep up,  she can tell that she hurts my feelings so she uses that to hurt me when she gets in a mood (I can't laugh it off right now), and she just takes more energy than I have.  The baby, on the other hand, has a funny thing that she sleeps better for me than anyone else so watching her always involves a good long nap and she'll play happily with my only contribution being funny noises and talking to her/imitating what she "says" as she babbles.  In return she grins and laughs at me.  She is so extremely easy-going it is hard to believe she is related to her sister.  I love Anne but until Geraldine I didn't know how intense Anne was, even as an infant.  Geraldine is totally the opposite.  She just enjoys life.  She has the funniest laugh; it is rather deep and sounds more like a bubbling brook than a baby's giggle.  Hearing that laugh is a huge goal when I'm near her.  It helps me to have any time with the girls (I've had time with Anne both weeks as well but I haven't been caring for her, just playing or reading with other adults right there) and not being able to commit to a regular day of watching them this semester has really hurt.  Last semester I managed to do that because my mood was more stable.  This winter has been rough between being sick for over a month, lithium toxicity, this nasty episode that i just can't shake, the loss of the dog, the struggle with not being in my own place yet, etc. 

Not much else to say.  IT's hard to post lately because there just isn't much happening that is different from day to day.

Loss

Nearly 13 years ago my mom had a golden retriever who had lived past all reasonable expectations for a golden.  So for Christmas I gave her a ball of fluff that was half lab, half golden.  She was the goofiest dog ever and I could keep you laughing for some time if I could manage to share her exploits. But I can't right now.

The puppy bonded to me heavily in the first 2 days that we had her.  The first day she actually went around the nursing home with me.  The 2nd she was with me a lot as my mom was out of town for a while.  She always loved me and as time has passed has been in some ways more my dog than my mom's. 

18 months ago we lost her companion dog who was around the same age.  She went downhill after that.  She improved after the puppy came but never was energetic or extremely playful again.  She'd had many health problems and had numerous fatty tumors and potentially cancerous tumors everywhere, severe arthritis after having had 2 knee surgeries, etc.  We've had her on meds for months and she was really doing pretty well until the last month or so when subtle changes happened.  She started being short of breath and wanting to be in cold air all the time.  She slept more and more of the day but was agitated at night and didn't seem to get comfortable easily then.  She was supposed to go to the vet today to be checked for heart failure.

Yesterday when I got up she was confused.  I thought it would pass and let her out.  She acted pretty normally for a while.  Then a few hours later a person came to fix my cracked windshield and despite being right by the dog yard fence she didn't come down.  I checked her and knew immediately it was bad.  Blood had filled her eyeballs.  At that point it was only one and she could see some out of the other but soon she was totally blind.  I arranged a vet appointment and got my mother to head home.  By that point I knew it was very bad.  It got worse when it got ready to rain and she was too afraid to go up the 2 steps to the sun porch.  I had to lift her entire body by wrapping a towel around her.  In the sun porch she kept walking into things until I finally got her to lay down.  At this point I was sure it was the end and so I spent most of the next few hours saying good-bye.  She finally fell sound asleep and I let her do that until my mom was home.  During that time we talked on the phone and discussed the high likelihood of euthanasia and that I was pretty sure.

Loading her into the car was awful.  I picked her up with the towel again, all 80 lbs of her and got her into the back of my mom's SUV.  (Remember that I have a likely fractured/definitely sprained ankle through all this and am supposed to take it easy.  Ha.).  The vet's office brought a gurney out and we got her inside.  The vet felt that she very probably had cancer as she had some extremely abnormal white blood cells, the numerous tumors everywhere, and clinically something was wrong.  She probably also had a stroke.  Together we decided it was time.  Restoring her vision was unlikely and even if they had it wouldn't have solved the other problems. 

So she is now wrestling with her best buddy.  I can picture it and it makes me smile.  But at the same time I miss her so much.  I have lost it totally here in the last half hour because i went downstairs for more water as I do about 3 times per night and I'm so used to checking on her, giving her a pat, getting her more water and making sure I didn't trip on her.  And now there's nothing down there but water in the fridge. 

Nobody greeted me today with her traditional 3 tail thumps of approval.  I missed petting her velvety soft ears.  Nobody tried to get me to pet their belly.  It just wasn't a day that was right because she was gone and she will be gone forever.

I know that yesterday was awful for her.  She was so afraid and confused by the vision loss.  She had trouble walking because her balance was gone, again probably a stroke.  I also know I made it as good as I could.  I sat on the floor and petted her, brushed her and talked to her for hours.  I rode in the back of the car to  keep a hand on her while we drove.  We talked a lot about the other dog and how she'd see him and we'd miss her and loved her so much.  Before she died I gave her a hug and said a few last things and then I left.  My mom had a few minutes alone before the shot.  She went completely peacefully.  It was time.

But I'm just so sad.  It will never be the same without her.  I keep crying at completely random times, this email being begun because of one of them.  I just want life to not keep changing in painful ways.  And I know that's just not how life works.  Oh, but missing my girl isn't a way I was prepared for.  I knew it wouldn't be forever.  I did think it would be yesterday until I DID know and then I felt like I had compress so much into just a little time. One last cuddle.  One last pet.  One last word.  One last memory.  That just sucks.

luck of the Irish

When I was a freshman in college I was quite surprised when St. Patricks' day came and nobody really cared.  I am from an Irish background in a town where the Irish were so prevelant that Irish themes prevail and St. Patrick's day was a big day.  My college was anti-drinking to the point you could be expelled for it so green beer wasn't a thing and nobody did anything.  It was totally foreign.

It has also been a day I have remembered because it was the day my father brought a big envelope to the school in one of the kinder gestures he ever made.  It was the college acceptance letter I had been waiting for, the one for my school of choice.  6 weeks later he was telling me I wasn't going to college because I wouldn't join the military and he wouldn't pay, but it was a nice thing to do that day.  I was called to the office for a mysterious reason and that was it.  I didn't stop grinning for 2 days.

Today though I am beginning to think that the Luck o' the Irish is bypassing me this year.  Or it is the luck from the potato famine that brought my great-great-grandparents here.  Over the weekend I went outside without my ankle brace on to meet my sister and nieces.  I was carrying the baby in when I stepped on a stone and my ankle turned completely under.  It was weird because I felt the scar tissue tearing and it felt gross but was not that painful.  I put an immobilizer on it and saw the ankle dr. today.  The x-ray was inconclusive but I did tear things in there and may have broken the end of my fibula.  It wasn't possible to be sure without additional xrays that require sedation because the new fracture would be just below an old one.  Clinically he seemed to think it was fractured but the treatment is the same anyway; I just have to wear another kind of brace for a few weeks and it is on all the time but showers and exercise.  No walking without it.  Annoying but could be a lot worse. 

So this year I've had a solid month of being sick from little niece germs, lithium toxicity, a fairly nasty episode that is still fighting with me and now a potentially broken ankle.  And it's only mid-March.  At this rate I'll be in traction for all 4 extremities like in old cartoons by December.

One thing went really well today.  Dr. Mind made me angry the other day.  He said I have no hope.  He prods at things like this I think partly to make me angry because I'm trying to learn to say "I"m angry and this is why" and although right now I'm really only doing it with him I've gotten a lot better than I was 6 months ago when this started being something we were doing.  Plus right now I'm seeing him extra so that I can talk and cry as I can't cry here and so he'll push further to get tears; my not crying has been the sign I was suicidal too many times.   Anyway because I was so angry I wrote an enormous list of things that I had hoped for and that have left me not hopeless but simply floundering to find footing because most of the things I hoped for in my life haven't happened and some of those things in the last few years I haven't found a way to replace because I am so limited in what I can do when I'm mid-episode.  I'm embarrassed to volunteer anywhere knowing that I will only be able to do so in bursts and then will need months off.  Last semester babysitting gave me a sense of doing something routinely that was good but this time I haven't been able to do it and really can't handle the girls alone right now.  I can barely handle them with other people there when they get challenging, as much as I hate that.  It's so hard with Anne because she sees that I can do things sometimes and not others but she doesn't understand why.  I know it hurts her feelings and causes her to act out, which hurts my feelings and makes the whole thing harder.

So anyway, counseling was actually good because he was glad that I finally fought back and did so beyond just saying "that made me angry".  He told me once that he worries sometimes because I don't fight like I used to.  I guess some of my used to popped out in the manic, angry moments I wrote my 3 page list of what I hoped for before he ever knew me, after he knew me and what does he think I am searching for now?

He also suggested maybe I should blog.  I'll get right on that. :) (8 years into i....)

Please let Reader's Digest know how offensive they are

I am a bit of a Reader's Digest nerd.  I've been a subscriber most of the time since I was 9.  I love it.  When I am not well like now it is perfect because the articles are short enough that I can understand, yet not written for children.

But when I read the most recent edition I was so insulted and upset and I will be cancelling my subscription permanently if they do not apologize in an upcoming episode.   What did they do that is so heinous?

In the April issue Reader' Digest ran a joke on pg. 57 as follows: Three guys are fishing when an angel appears. The 1st guy says "I've suffered from back pain for years. Can you help me?" The angel touches the man's back and he feels instant relief. The 2nd guy points to his thick glasses and begs for a cure for his poor eyesight. When the angel tosses the lenses into the lake the man gains 20/20 vision. As the angel turns to the 3rd man he instantly recoils and screams "Don't touch me! I'm on disability!"

As you all know I would give anything to not be disabled and I think that most people who are disabled feel this way.  It's not like living on social security and Medicare is financially rewarding or even easy.  And I make a lot more social security than most people.  In the last 2 years disability has taken my career that I loved, my home, my sense of self and my self-esteem.  When it is portrayed as something that I do because I don't want to be better my blood boils and I think about how the magazine publishing that must not want readers.

I am asking people to tell Reader's Digest this is offensive.  You can send an email to letters@rd.com

I sincerely hope enough people react that they retract this.  It hurt me enough to nearly make me cry, something that just doesn't happen lately unless I'm with Dr. Mind.

Not quite what I expected

What with the not sleeping, not focusing well and not feeling like doing anything I've had a lot of time to kill lately.  During the Olympics I saw ice dancing for the first time and have watched more on You Tube.  Somehow a few days ago I wound up starting to watch the entire Vancouver competition.  And THAT is what made me cry.  I cried with Dr. Mind twice this week but have refused to cry elsewhere.  And I can think of quite a few other things to cry about that come far before 4 years ago Olympics, but that was the key.

So I guess next time I'm refusing to feel anything I will just pull that up and 3.5 hours later (5 days this way) tears.  Voila!

Lost

When I was in college I was in a support group for women who had been sexually abused/assaulted.  The first year we met we had a retreat at a cabin the college owned that you could rent for very little money.  It was in the middle of nowhere and hard to find without a very good map and directions.

Everyone else went out earlier together but I had to finish a project and went by myself later. When I got there it was dark and I only saw one trail.  I followed it for much longer than the 1/2 mile I was supposed to go.  It began branching off and a few times I followed those branches.  I was carrying a blanket and a backpack with some water and food and it was not freezing yet, just chilly, so I knew I would be ok until morning but it was still scary.  It was completely dark, my flashlight was not that bright and I was afraid of using up all the batteries, and I kept finding myself at the end of logging trails with heavy machinery.  For a while I tried to get to a light I could see in the distance, thinking that it was the cabin but eventually I could tell it was further away than I thought.  After a few hours of wandering I prayed for God's help to stay on the path to get out of there.  And He did.  I finally managed to stay on one trail and soon enough saw headlights.  The last pair of women from my group were arriving.  I ran to them and discovered that there was a second path 90 degrees from the one I took.  It was harder to see in the darkness and yet in minutes we were in front of a fireplace in the cabin.

I feel a lot like I did in that mess of trails right now.  Every thought pattern leads another way and I have no way of knowing what to follow because my brain is so over-loaded with paths.  I'm tired and I know that sitting down is not going to help me. I'm cold (but that's because I need a sweatshirt :).  And I need help to get out of this place.

I'm heading to Dr. Mind soon.  I really hope that I can say what I need to say and that he can help make it ok.  We'll see.  It is tricky and I also need to ask more about if he is leaving, because if he is I don't want to pursue ankle surgery but if he is staying I do want to get the process started because my ankle is getting more uncomfortable and needs the repair.  But that's not a topic he's likely to want to get into if he knows he is leaving, because I'm already not so great.  But this could last 3 months and I need more time than that to adjust.

This is a really hard path.