I just can't wake up. I have done nothing but sleep for days. My therapist doesn't think I'm depressed. I sort of do, but in a weird way. I just feel really weird.
However, with this many hours of sleep per day I sure have nothing going on. Next up is a big trip to the city to see the psychiatrist Friday. I get to stay in a hotel. Actually it sounds like a fairly nice one and hopefully I'll get a good supper out. Plus, free toiletries!
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
The Great Experiment
THIS should get me some awful searches (so far I've only had one porn search but it was pretty bad), but today I was bored and decided it was time to conduct some research.
I think it's fairly common knowledge that lithium makes you pee a lot, and certainly all psych patients know this well. I remember the day I started it telling someone it would change my life because I would have to learn to drink water (which I hated) and eat salty foods (which I normally avoided). Well, cravings quickly took over and I learned it wasn't hard. For a while I had to watch that I drank water instead of juice or things with calories, but mainly I took to water quickly. I was told to drink 80 oz daily; generally I drink at least twice that. I am on a high dose, so I think that is more expected (as in don't be scared if you're holding your first lithium in your hand and reading this), and I seem to have very active kidneys as they handled my recent toxicity with no signs of the expected distress.
So I pee a LOT. Everyone I know is used to it; I need a water and potty break about every hour, especially in the summer and I get grouchy without. I've paid $3 for bottled water at the fair 1/4 mile from the car so I wouldn't kill my mom. We're not talking quick trips either; my bladder is full and to prove it one summer I wet my pants driving home from work. Twice.
So, today I counted the trips. Ideally I'd say "the average woman urinates...." but OH MY. That's a nice way to learn about things you do not want to know, and I'm not referring to anatomy.
My total? And I'm pretty sure this is a good day: EIGHTEEN. That's right, every 1.33 hours. Around the clock. Actually it is more at night because of how I take my pills.
Stayed tuned for more chaos as I have a lot of time to fill in the next few days.
I think it's fairly common knowledge that lithium makes you pee a lot, and certainly all psych patients know this well. I remember the day I started it telling someone it would change my life because I would have to learn to drink water (which I hated) and eat salty foods (which I normally avoided). Well, cravings quickly took over and I learned it wasn't hard. For a while I had to watch that I drank water instead of juice or things with calories, but mainly I took to water quickly. I was told to drink 80 oz daily; generally I drink at least twice that. I am on a high dose, so I think that is more expected (as in don't be scared if you're holding your first lithium in your hand and reading this), and I seem to have very active kidneys as they handled my recent toxicity with no signs of the expected distress.
So I pee a LOT. Everyone I know is used to it; I need a water and potty break about every hour, especially in the summer and I get grouchy without. I've paid $3 for bottled water at the fair 1/4 mile from the car so I wouldn't kill my mom. We're not talking quick trips either; my bladder is full and to prove it one summer I wet my pants driving home from work. Twice.
So, today I counted the trips. Ideally I'd say "the average woman urinates...." but OH MY. That's a nice way to learn about things you do not want to know, and I'm not referring to anatomy.
My total? And I'm pretty sure this is a good day: EIGHTEEN. That's right, every 1.33 hours. Around the clock. Actually it is more at night because of how I take my pills.
Stayed tuned for more chaos as I have a lot of time to fill in the next few days.
Sunday, June 25, 2006
I Lied
I said the next post was going to be about the changes in how I have to approach some things, but I lied. I did, however, remember that was my intention so we're doing pretty well!
Instead, I'm still cycling. I had to accept that I really felt depressed yesterday and today. I had the pills already to increase my antidepressant dose very carefully (this one works very well for me but puts me over the top into mania far too easily so we're doing this very, very carefully) so last night I did that. If I remember it takes about 3 days for this one to work. I'll be allowed one more increase after that before moving on to another last possible choice (it seems like we hit those every so often, but then something else in some other odd combination always comes along).
I know cycling is very, very normal at this stage. I know that's why I keep refusing to say I'm getting better quite as positively as the psychologist wants. I always cycle every 2 days or less at this point. This is not that bad, and the meds will fix it quickly. But I was ready to move on and I think I was starting to believe that was happening faster than it really will.
Back when I started writing this blog it was often hard to know what to write. I could write how I felt about certain things I ran across or that were said to me or that I observed. Now it's easy to write about my experiences because my whole life is centered around bipolar illness. I'm ready to go back to the other way for a while. I think that was why I wanted to write my other post idea. Which I will still get to. But first I have to feel crummy and it's not going to come out well if I do it when I'm feeling angry at the world, which I currently am.
Anyway, this isn't going anywhere so if anyone finds my point let me know!
Instead, I'm still cycling. I had to accept that I really felt depressed yesterday and today. I had the pills already to increase my antidepressant dose very carefully (this one works very well for me but puts me over the top into mania far too easily so we're doing this very, very carefully) so last night I did that. If I remember it takes about 3 days for this one to work. I'll be allowed one more increase after that before moving on to another last possible choice (it seems like we hit those every so often, but then something else in some other odd combination always comes along).
I know cycling is very, very normal at this stage. I know that's why I keep refusing to say I'm getting better quite as positively as the psychologist wants. I always cycle every 2 days or less at this point. This is not that bad, and the meds will fix it quickly. But I was ready to move on and I think I was starting to believe that was happening faster than it really will.
Back when I started writing this blog it was often hard to know what to write. I could write how I felt about certain things I ran across or that were said to me or that I observed. Now it's easy to write about my experiences because my whole life is centered around bipolar illness. I'm ready to go back to the other way for a while. I think that was why I wanted to write my other post idea. Which I will still get to. But first I have to feel crummy and it's not going to come out well if I do it when I'm feeling angry at the world, which I currently am.
Anyway, this isn't going anywhere so if anyone finds my point let me know!
Friday, June 23, 2006
Happy Things
I seem to really be getting better finally. I never will say I AM getting better because trusting that means it hurts too much when I cycle and land on my butt, but right now every day is a bit better. Things are coming back to me, like my attention span (thank God!) and ability to sleep. I'm starting to taper the sedation because it's actually too much now and I'm bored all the time because I don't have the energy to do anything during the day, but today I'd had a good bit less sedation and felt so much better, even did some very wet yard work.
Many things about me are finally showing I'm improving. Each time I've seen the psychologist lately he has noted the improvement. He says I sound better too; that one I can't see for myself so much. Yesterday I was back to being sarcastic (this is my normal and it has been totally gone for months) and even made a joke. It's been so long since that felt natural.
I spent a lot of the week fighting my disability insurance company and a large check will be coming any day now. The fight was ridiculous, even worse than I've already written about, but finally I refused to get off the phone until they answered all my questions and resolved the claim. It only took 20 minutes that time. Since assertiveness is not really my best feature I was pretty proud.
Things start moving faster now. As long as I stay moving forward I'll keep seeing the psychologist twice a week and I imagine taper down close to the time I go back to work. I see the psychiatrist every three weeks until the end of July then I assume the add-in appointments will end and I'll go back to monthly. I see the regular doctor soon about thyroid medication. My return to work is scheduled for 4-5 weeks. For the first time that feels possible.
Other things are starting to feel normal as well. Summer is kicking up my dreaded lithium thirst and the need to eat salty foods is at an all time high. Everywhere I go I must stop for a drink and a bathroom. Sometimes I can't drive the hour to or from counseling without stopping. I did mess up my lithium dose this week; I took the old dose for about a week, the one that made me sick. I caught it before anything happened, but it did frighten me because it was so easy to make that error just out of routine. For 4 years I took 4 of those pills, taking 3 is a big change. But it's very needed.
Next time, if I remember (which is also starting to come back-today I even knew what day it was most of the day!), I want to write about what I'm learning this time. This is definetely going to be the episode in which I learned the most (aside from the beginnning which does not count).
For now, I'm going to get a snack and see how much fun I can have with my 16 pills! (I have this mental idea that less pills is better because I hate them; I am not good at swallowing them although I've learned. My high is 23. I was on 8 or 9 for a long time, so this 16 thing is well, hard to swallow....:)
Many things about me are finally showing I'm improving. Each time I've seen the psychologist lately he has noted the improvement. He says I sound better too; that one I can't see for myself so much. Yesterday I was back to being sarcastic (this is my normal and it has been totally gone for months) and even made a joke. It's been so long since that felt natural.
I spent a lot of the week fighting my disability insurance company and a large check will be coming any day now. The fight was ridiculous, even worse than I've already written about, but finally I refused to get off the phone until they answered all my questions and resolved the claim. It only took 20 minutes that time. Since assertiveness is not really my best feature I was pretty proud.
Things start moving faster now. As long as I stay moving forward I'll keep seeing the psychologist twice a week and I imagine taper down close to the time I go back to work. I see the psychiatrist every three weeks until the end of July then I assume the add-in appointments will end and I'll go back to monthly. I see the regular doctor soon about thyroid medication. My return to work is scheduled for 4-5 weeks. For the first time that feels possible.
Other things are starting to feel normal as well. Summer is kicking up my dreaded lithium thirst and the need to eat salty foods is at an all time high. Everywhere I go I must stop for a drink and a bathroom. Sometimes I can't drive the hour to or from counseling without stopping. I did mess up my lithium dose this week; I took the old dose for about a week, the one that made me sick. I caught it before anything happened, but it did frighten me because it was so easy to make that error just out of routine. For 4 years I took 4 of those pills, taking 3 is a big change. But it's very needed.
Next time, if I remember (which is also starting to come back-today I even knew what day it was most of the day!), I want to write about what I'm learning this time. This is definetely going to be the episode in which I learned the most (aside from the beginnning which does not count).
For now, I'm going to get a snack and see how much fun I can have with my 16 pills! (I have this mental idea that less pills is better because I hate them; I am not good at swallowing them although I've learned. My high is 23. I was on 8 or 9 for a long time, so this 16 thing is well, hard to swallow....:)
Monday, June 19, 2006
Tomorrow is Fight Day
I haven't heard from my disability provider yet again, so Tuesday is the day something will happen. I plan to be on the phone all day until someone tells me something that is useful. I have a lot of ideas of people to call, inside and outside my company, and who knows I may make a new friend up in the scary higher reaches? It's not my company that's the problem anyway, it's the insurer, but I'm going for any help I can get.
I hate doing this kind of thing. Glad I've got lots of Ativan.:) Hopefully tomorrow I get to report something really good, like the biggest check I've ever seen is headed my way.
I hate doing this kind of thing. Glad I've got lots of Ativan.:) Hopefully tomorrow I get to report something really good, like the biggest check I've ever seen is headed my way.
Zombie
I'm not writing because I'm complying with my meds. (Novel idea when it comes to this as needed stuff....I rarely take as needed meds. I don't think that's the point.....)
That means tons of sedation and mostly right now I'm sleeping or not very clear when I try to talk. Last night I wound up half the night bouncing off the walls; I think I forgot a pill. But most of the last few days have been very sleepy. I'll be back when I'm awake.
That means tons of sedation and mostly right now I'm sleeping or not very clear when I try to talk. Last night I wound up half the night bouncing off the walls; I think I forgot a pill. But most of the last few days have been very sleepy. I'll be back when I'm awake.
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Best Doctor Ever
I had a very long appointment with my psychiatrist today. We compared what we had said and done with the disability insurance provider (who I had a very good experience with just 2 years ago) and found out that they keep telling me that my doctor isn't sending information, and that they tell my doctor (if they say anything, because mostly they haven't indicated a problem to her, just not processed paperwork) that "the patient knows that a claim number must be indicated on all paperwork you submit". Now, that is sooooooo not true. Where I would be supposed to know that is beyond me. I know my claim number only from human resources at my company and was just given it yesterday. But funny enough, I called to GET my claim number days ago and was told I wasn't in the system and therefore didn't have a claim number, despite the claim having been submitted several weeks ago.
So she called them. They continued to throw blame around and not make sense, nor provide any answers. She got pretty mad at them and finally told them they need to realize they are creating so much additional stress that I will be on disability longer. Then she took the number to complain to my human resources department that this company is the worst she's ever dealt with.
I came home with more meds for stress and depression. I also came home feeling so much better because I have someone fighting this with me.
I'm exhausted, 4 hours of driving and a doctor's appointment that lasts over an hour is a big day for me, but for once I don't feel totally hopeless.
So she called them. They continued to throw blame around and not make sense, nor provide any answers. She got pretty mad at them and finally told them they need to realize they are creating so much additional stress that I will be on disability longer. Then she took the number to complain to my human resources department that this company is the worst she's ever dealt with.
I came home with more meds for stress and depression. I also came home feeling so much better because I have someone fighting this with me.
I'm exhausted, 4 hours of driving and a doctor's appointment that lasts over an hour is a big day for me, but for once I don't feel totally hopeless.
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Daily News
I have been off work 6 weeks and 2 days. I was eligible for disability effective day 14. My company took 2 weeks beyond that to get me the paperwork, then my doctor had to fill it out. From that point on I have no idea what's going on except that I NEED money and I have none. Last week the disability provider couldn't even find me in their system; now I do have a case number but apparently not a case worker (a case worker greatly seems to help). They keep saying that my doctor isn't sending them stuff, but they contradict what they say, plus I have 2 people at the doctor's office who I trust inherently refuting that. Regardless, I have to make a mortgage payment tonight and then things get really tight in this house.
Which is too bad since I finally have more signs that just serious food cravings that my body was malnourished during all those bad months. I have a rash that is from a deficiency. So I am eating weird-tasting vitamin chews daily and know that I need to keep it up with the healthy eating. If only healthy were cheap.
I also got my results back for my 3rd thyroid test. Lithium can injure the thyroid and we're watching mine to see if the injury was permanent. I had a normal test in there, but #3 was off again and the initial damage from my toxicity should be gone. So another test was ordered with extra blood from that draw (convenient; I've had 5 draws in 6 weeks so I'm all for not taking more), and then in 3 weeks I do this all over again.
I did one of the worse things on ambien I've done yet. Somewhere in the night I locked my cat in the basement. She was NOT happy. I don't think she was there long, and it's not a bad basement, but just the indignity. I still wonder WHY though...
Tomorrow I am going to see my psychiatrist. I've never seen her at her real office before. I see her at a clinic where she does 3 half days/month. This is a big (2 hours each way) drive and I have no real idea where I'm going. I get really anxious driving in this city because when I was first diagnosed I was in a clinical trial and when I was trying to drive home I somehow hit a city bus. It was ok, but it was really embarrassing and I don't want to repeat. Where I live we barely have SCHOOL buses! I knew I was getting an add-in appointment somewhere. I'm surprised how fast. I hope this doesn't mean I have to have my anxiety poked at some more. I'm handling it better now that I'm taking (and agreeing to take) more drugs.
Otherwise, today was slightly better. I think I partly just needed a vacation from my problems. Or lots and lots of sedation. I'm not very smart right now, but at least I'm not crying. I guess next week I can worry about weaning off some of this stuff.
To bland-ish days!
Which is too bad since I finally have more signs that just serious food cravings that my body was malnourished during all those bad months. I have a rash that is from a deficiency. So I am eating weird-tasting vitamin chews daily and know that I need to keep it up with the healthy eating. If only healthy were cheap.
I also got my results back for my 3rd thyroid test. Lithium can injure the thyroid and we're watching mine to see if the injury was permanent. I had a normal test in there, but #3 was off again and the initial damage from my toxicity should be gone. So another test was ordered with extra blood from that draw (convenient; I've had 5 draws in 6 weeks so I'm all for not taking more), and then in 3 weeks I do this all over again.
I did one of the worse things on ambien I've done yet. Somewhere in the night I locked my cat in the basement. She was NOT happy. I don't think she was there long, and it's not a bad basement, but just the indignity. I still wonder WHY though...
Tomorrow I am going to see my psychiatrist. I've never seen her at her real office before. I see her at a clinic where she does 3 half days/month. This is a big (2 hours each way) drive and I have no real idea where I'm going. I get really anxious driving in this city because when I was first diagnosed I was in a clinical trial and when I was trying to drive home I somehow hit a city bus. It was ok, but it was really embarrassing and I don't want to repeat. Where I live we barely have SCHOOL buses! I knew I was getting an add-in appointment somewhere. I'm surprised how fast. I hope this doesn't mean I have to have my anxiety poked at some more. I'm handling it better now that I'm taking (and agreeing to take) more drugs.
Otherwise, today was slightly better. I think I partly just needed a vacation from my problems. Or lots and lots of sedation. I'm not very smart right now, but at least I'm not crying. I guess next week I can worry about weaning off some of this stuff.
To bland-ish days!
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
My last few days
The point of this post was supposed to be about the nightmare I'm having getting my disability to go through and my fear of running rather low on money soon. You'll note none of this is addressed. My mind is a wondrous thing in it's autonomy right now.
Sometime early in this episode I decided it was time to face a lot of really harsh feelings. For years I have swatted away anger and sadness with every episode, calling them "symptoms". Every so often I'd have a period I would do better and be faced with sadness because the "better" me was so far from normal and so unable to do what I wanted to do. But then I would bat way THOSE feelings because who wants to wreck a good mood when you only get one every 6 months or so?
This time there was no excuse. I was already on disability, I already had so many things going on that I was going to be off for a while, and I needed to do it. So we've started. And it's been so hard. Good, but hard. I almost always leave the psychologist's office feeling like I was there for hours because I put so much effort into that hour. I've come to cry freely, and that's something I've never done except when my emotions were totally out of my control.
The problem is that things have gotten more and more stressful as we've done this and somewhere last week I hit a breaking point. Friday night I was crying so much I wasn't even bothering with wiping my face and my shirt was soaked. Saturday I think I cried before the therapist was in the room. Yesterday I referred to Saturday's tears as having been "out of control" and he agreed, so I guess that describes that. In combination with my not sleeping the last few weeks and waking up screaming and with nightmares when I did, I wound up with this being an "easy" week to rest. Already I'm getting myself together again.
Last night I slept, which people have been able to see without my saying so. I must have been looking great lately. It wasn't a ton, it wasn't great, but it was an improvement.
Now I have 6 days to hold it together all by myself. That is the longest I've gone in about 2 months. It's time for a new achievement (funny what can become an achievement...).
Sometime early in this episode I decided it was time to face a lot of really harsh feelings. For years I have swatted away anger and sadness with every episode, calling them "symptoms". Every so often I'd have a period I would do better and be faced with sadness because the "better" me was so far from normal and so unable to do what I wanted to do. But then I would bat way THOSE feelings because who wants to wreck a good mood when you only get one every 6 months or so?
This time there was no excuse. I was already on disability, I already had so many things going on that I was going to be off for a while, and I needed to do it. So we've started. And it's been so hard. Good, but hard. I almost always leave the psychologist's office feeling like I was there for hours because I put so much effort into that hour. I've come to cry freely, and that's something I've never done except when my emotions were totally out of my control.
The problem is that things have gotten more and more stressful as we've done this and somewhere last week I hit a breaking point. Friday night I was crying so much I wasn't even bothering with wiping my face and my shirt was soaked. Saturday I think I cried before the therapist was in the room. Yesterday I referred to Saturday's tears as having been "out of control" and he agreed, so I guess that describes that. In combination with my not sleeping the last few weeks and waking up screaming and with nightmares when I did, I wound up with this being an "easy" week to rest. Already I'm getting myself together again.
Last night I slept, which people have been able to see without my saying so. I must have been looking great lately. It wasn't a ton, it wasn't great, but it was an improvement.
Now I have 6 days to hold it together all by myself. That is the longest I've gone in about 2 months. It's time for a new achievement (funny what can become an achievement...).
Sunday, June 11, 2006
Help Me Please
I'm writing this as way too many meds flow through my body so please forgive spelling errors.
There's an easy way blog readers can help. I am very bored (in fact that will make me cry) and very limited in what I can do right now. I love gardening but don't have the energy. I can't be in the sun or heat. I don't have the attention span to watch movies; I do have individual episode DVDs of a few shows and I can usually watch 30 minutes. I can read some. I need more books.
I need books that a short attention span doesn't affect comprehension. Books with short chapters work well. I like mysteries. Currently James Patterson is ok. I just worked my way through a Janet Evanovich that I'd read before. It went slowly.
Reading helps me sleep. PLEASE, if you have ideas, post them! I also am always looking for books on bipolar disorder. I've had some success with Dave Barry recently.
Thanks.
There's an easy way blog readers can help. I am very bored (in fact that will make me cry) and very limited in what I can do right now. I love gardening but don't have the energy. I can't be in the sun or heat. I don't have the attention span to watch movies; I do have individual episode DVDs of a few shows and I can usually watch 30 minutes. I can read some. I need more books.
I need books that a short attention span doesn't affect comprehension. Books with short chapters work well. I like mysteries. Currently James Patterson is ok. I just worked my way through a Janet Evanovich that I'd read before. It went slowly.
Reading helps me sleep. PLEASE, if you have ideas, post them! I also am always looking for books on bipolar disorder. I've had some success with Dave Barry recently.
Thanks.
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