Not my best week

So this week I'm fighting a sinus infection. This is amazing in many ways as I am fighting it, rather than just getting sicker and sicker which has been my body's response to stress for years. But I've had a sore throat, fever, drippy nose, and cough off and on at different times and yet none of it was enough to really say "I'm sick". I even cancelled with Dr. Mind because I am so tired and felt resting was more important. Plus I had to get dental work done today and I felt I could handle only one thing.

This is partly just because last week I didn't rest at all on Thursday and I worked a full day Saturday. I wore myself out. So I'm paying the price.

Then the dental visit hurt. I had 2 cracked fillings in adjacent teeth. One was deep and may need a crown. They rebuilt the tooth and made it so it doesn't touch the tooth above it much. It's really sore and swollen and feels bizarre this evening. I also was told that I may need a biteguard at my next visit as I've cracked 3 fillings in a year and am grinding my teeth. I'm going to call about that; if I have to get it I might as well do so since in another 6 months I could easily crack another one given the rate I've done in these teeth. And some intuition says that I'm going to need the crown. I don't know why, I just feel it. Crowns are extremely expensive and have to be replaced about every 10 years so I really don't want too many of them. Plus, getting them also hurts. If I understood right this tooth might not be as bad because the work today could be the base but I'm not sure of that.

And now the time is going to change, which always throws my bipolar self for a loop. I dread this so much. In a few months I'm going to be taking vacation in Phoenix, which is 3 hours different. I'm going to have to spend the entire week trying to keep on my time. I've been scared of travel outside of my time zone for years and have chosen not to try, but it's time to be trusting of my wellness.

On the plus side, next weekend is Dr. Brain time. And I am excited because I get to ask questions I never anticipated. For years, from the time it was experimentally positive, the goal for me was to get me stable and get a VNS. Eventually I asked we no longer talk about stable because all that was happening was I was getting worse.

Well, now I'm stable. Not only stable, I'm myself again. I'm a person I thought died 11 years ago. I can't even explain how it feels, only that all the years of being told if I waited a medication that helped me WOULD come out. Seroquel gave me a life; Seroquel XR gave me myself.

And already I'm on less medication. I've decreased from 650 mg of Seroquel last May to 300 mg now. And I'm great. Even the start of winter isn't bugging me and I always get depressed by now. I did have an increase in my antidepressant in September that maybe helped, but still this is a miracle.

So this time I'm going to ask some questions about the future. I want to know if I make it through the winter if I can start trying to go back to a more normal depakote level? (Mine is about 25-30 points above normal and I've never been ok without it there.) I'd like to just be on a lower dose enough to see if I can lose weight. I also want to know if the VNS is still an option for me, since I'm still considered treatment resistant and medication sensitive and would have tighter control if we weren't relying on my body to respond consistently to anything, as we know it won't (ie my antidepressant dose varies so much I can really take practically a PRN amount with permission).

I just keep thinking that I've met the criteria to maybe, maybe, maybe get off of some of the approximately 40 pills I take daily now (vitamins, etc. included).

Anyway, time for bed. I tried to stay up until 10, 9:52 is good enough. Hopefully I'll be asleep before the tylenol wears off.......

Quick

1)Nobody tried the guessing game. I'm disappointed in you all. The answer was "A recruitment card for the job that just fired me". Oh yeah.

2) The new job is a wonderful thing. I really like what I know of the company, the patient population is interesting to work with, the facility is fabulous, the care is great, and the rehab team is really nice. The drive isn't all that bad. One of the benefits is that every month your productivity is on track you get a bonus of 5% of your monthly gross earnings. I'm well on track for that.

3)Work will get more stressful this week after one assistant leaves. They've not found anyone and are trying to hire 2 people. So the assistant that stays and I will have our hands more than full.

4) I have a neat award but I'll post it in a day or two. I have unfortunately already caught a cold and I really don't feel good. I hurt and have a fever and sore throat and painful lymph glands. Uck.

5) The most amazing thing that has happened in a month that has been so stressful and yet has ultimately come out with me feeling MORE self-confidence than ever before: I'm having normal sleep cycles. When I went on Seroquel XR it was supposed to help with decreasing morning drowsiness, and when I cut my dose in half that should also have helped. But I didn't have time off to adjust and so I was still going to sleep very late and then was so stressed all I wanted to do was sleep. Now I am consistently awake at 7:30 and gone from the house by 8:30.

More later when I feel a tad better. I'm going to bed for now.

Mail call

So, this morning I popped into the post office, just like every morning. I had a package slip, which I expected as I have a few things on order, plus was expecting my hire packet from work, a box from the "we forgot" people I used to work for, some meds, etc. It was my hire packet, and that will raise a question tomorrow.

But anyway, guess what else was in there? hmm, I think I'm going to make you all actually guess. I'm tired and that sounds fun to toy with people a bit.......

And now, a lighter moment

It's probably about time. This has been one hideously serious 5 weeks in this little house. But now it is over.

Anyway, I mentioned in another post that many of my things didn't quite make it home. Tonight I noted that this includes 2 Allen wrenches, making my set completely useless. But I also falsely accused them of keeping some labels. So, those two even out?

Yesterday I was cleaning the kitchen and realized the day before, when upset, I'd left the ketchup out and it was no longer good.

Now I'm wanting to eat something with ketchup. I was upset that I have none, until I remembered that they sent me 2 packs of it. Not my important stuff, but the leftovers from my fries the one day I ever had fries at work.....

Ha. I win again.

Employed

I got the job. I start Wednesday. I ran around today gathering things needed. I will be so glad to do this.

Best of all, I am going to be earning money before my vacation from the prior job runs out (they did have to pay me my back vacation that was accrued) and so there actually is no financial loss with this whole mess.

Now I just need the energy.

How I was Fired-Part IV

Preface: As this story draws near an end I'm starting to struggle more. I'm starting to be depressed, and to feel more frustrated. I think partly that's because tomorrow should have been back to work from vacation. Instead it's anxiously-awaiting-a-phone-call about the job I interviewed for.

This is where the story starts to hurt a whole lot more. I am not going to be able to explain a great deal of what happened, but in summary the thing I am generally best at is relating to my patients, and so that was turned around and used to hurt me as badly as possible.

I need to ask that at this point, even if you feel I have done something blatantly, hugely wrong, that you not share this with me. I have so much self-doubt which I'm not handling all that well, and debating what I chose to do based on my needs and personal experiences just doesn't help much. It's all I can think about myself sometimes.

Later, once I'm working again and feel confident again, we'll maybe talk about what could be different. For now, please hold that thought. I hope this doesn't offend; normally I like openness and debate, but right now I can't afford depression. I need to be strong enough to handle my new job.

The next week I actually didn't get a final warning all week. I was considering this a banner week. It was not an extremely smooth week, but in comparison it was miraculous. You take what you can get, and all that.

This is where I can't be very specific. Let's say it this way: in healthcare certain patient characteristics make one more or less believable and trustworthy. I posted about this in a way here, talking about how it helps that my doctor actually trusts me instead of calling me automatically a drug-seeker because I am bipolar. I've had that happen a few times before, most notably at a hospital when my blood pressure was 200/100 and my head was bursting. I can't take ibuproferon because it interacts with lithium, and I'm allergic to codeine. So rather than treat my headache effectively they decided I was just trying to get narcotics and gave me only regular strength tylenol.

So anyway, we had several patients at that point who there were reasons to take what they said with a grain of salt. Two of them came forth with comments about me which were not true. Normally nobody would have thought anything of it. This time it was turned into a big deal.

I wasn't there, so the details are sketchy, but somehow EM talked to my other patients, none of whom were totally reliable reporters. The one who was most reliable later was very, very upset about it and said her words were turned around and her husband verified. But however, I was told she too was unhappy with me, although she pulled me aside to tell me this wasn't true, several times and nearly cried because she'd thought the change she did agree to was only while I was on vacation.

On Friday I was called and told that these 3 people had complained, but "this happens sometimes" and I still would supervise. I was also told by the manager that she'd talked to EM's boss and told her EM was picking on me.

On Monday I worked on vacation preparation. On Tuesday, a full week after all this started, I came in and was sent home. I finally decided that I needed to speak up, and I emailed a complaint about my boss to her boss as encouraged through company policy. I stated she was not the right person to investigate as even the one patient felt she was trying to get bad things said about me. Further, 2 of the people in question were highly unreliable witnesses. And it had been a full weeek. And for that matter the person I was writing to herself had told me just days ago that it was "something that happened" and now it was a huge deal. It made no sense, aside from I knew they were going to fire me (which I did not say).

So I spent all day Wednesday waiting for them to call me in. Finally at 4 pm they called and fired me.

And that's about the end of that story.

Intermission

I'm taking a day off from writing about the injustice of the firing. Writing those posts is both cathartic and really painful. It's kind of embarrassing to openly talk about being fired. I do not believe it happened justly (and what I'll share today is partial proof), and I do not think that I was fired for reasons that demanded firing. I think that I was set-up and that everything I did wrong was used to make sure I was gone before my vacation. But nonetheless, I did things that were wrong, and I was fired, and like most people I've always had a sort of negative view of people who get fired. I always felt superior. Now I know I'm not. Now I can even admit that years ago one of my assistants was fired and it probably partially was because of me. She was doing things that were very wrong, but she was not in good mental health and I didn't fight hard enough for her because I was so angry that she wasn't doing it for herself. I thought if I could fight for myself I shouldn't have to fight for her. Lorraine, I was wrong about that. I'm sorry.

But anyway, today was my big interview. I feel like it went extremely well. The interviewer said the recruiter would call to negotiate today but he didn't. So I guess that waits for Monday. The place is incredible. It's the most beautiful nursing home I have ever seen, by far. The facility is very modern and up-to-date, with appropriate equipment for rehab. This is not what you get everywhere. I felt I handled myself well too. Eye contact and the like are generally hard for me. I've come an extremely long way in this area in the last 3 years (I realized today that I make eye contact with Dr. Mind pretty much all the way through the session unless I'm uncomfortable with the topic), and I didn't have to fight that so much today. We'll see.

On the other hand, I've spent some time being pretty frustrated today. I received my box of stuff from my desk yesterday. The box was beat up and I didn't realize until today some of what had happened in there. For one thing, things weren't gathered up and placed neatly in the box. Instead my things were pretty much dumped. My box of socket wrenches had been opened (it has a very tight latch so it would be possible to just pop during mailing) and were dumped everywhere. My Uno cards were no longer in their rubberband. There was a hole in the box so I'm probably missing some of both. (I think this is especially true for the Uno cards, which is bad because this was a deck I painstakingly altered for use with cognitively impaired patients and it took hours to do. Plus, anything lost is financial loss for me.). And worst of all, supplies that belonged to me have been taken. Several packs of fancy, uniquely large post-its, labels, scissors, tylenol. Yet I did receive the 2 packs of ketchup that were in my drawer.....There were larger missing items, but I included all of them in the list going to HR. I'm really frustrated about it; it basically says I never should have trusted anyone. Which hurts. And I know that I'm going to look like Ms. Demanding wanting those things back, but they were MINE. So little of what I thought was my life feels like it is still certainly mine; I want control of my office supplies.

I just hope the HR person realizes what has gone on. Since my total list is 7 items and will require a whole seperate fairly large box I hope she does. I realize my office supplies are just plain gone, but still....And as far as the tylenol, I have a theory. You know how lots of women carry a bottle with about 14 different meds in it? Even my psychiatrist does it. Well, people knew I had good meds. I really wonder if someone didn't take my tylenol hoping to find gold. Too bad I'm smarter than that. The good stuff is in a pill pouch in my purse, and made a little harder to figure out by "weaker" anxiety meds are loose. There are 2 colors but they are the same med, same dose. The good stuff is in a wad of aluminum foil and I only carry a few at a time.

So, today was mainly good, and in a way the anger about the stuff is good too. Not for sleeping, but for getting some anger out.

Part III

Preface: Today I just need to add that I got my box of things today. And I am so very, very happy, because I can now send back a number of things which were sent to me that contain patient information, violating HIPPAA law. Somehow this makes me feel I'm the better person or something. I don't care what my motivation is. I just need to be ok.

When we left off the OT who has worked with me had just left from telling the managers about my needs and how to enhance my work experience. I treated a patient and then was pulled aside for a phone conference. The way this occurred is totally complicated so I'm not going to try to explain, but due to an error with the sign-in feature of the computer program (it didn't lock you in and out and I accidentally altered it) I'd been caught "lying" on my timecard for Monday. I finally offered to just set the in-time to later than I had arrived so that there was no asking them to pay for time I didn't work. I was told after the call it was "a learning experience". So, two days later, I was rather shocked to be pulled aside by EM and her boss and given a 2nd final warning.

(Aside: Earlier that week I found out totally accidentally that someone had been hired to do my job on Thursdays. That was fine, but it was odd that she was hired without anyone talking to me. Even her interview was done when I was away from the building. I began to quietly suspect I had been replaced.)

This final warning was partially for the time clock error and mainly because of coming late. Apparently when I was told July 23 that I needed to call if I'd be later than noon "because we worry" I was supposed to intuit that this was disciplinary and in fact it was a verbal warning. I do not know how I was to know this, and per company policy a verbal warning has to be explicitly stated (most places make you sign that you understand), but they said I had received one. Without my knowledge.

At this point I started to get mad. I told them that if they were looking to fire me they might as well get it over with, as it was doing nobody any good to put me through this. I was told that wasn't the point, but not very believably. I also argued extensively with their new restrictions on when I was to be in the building. Suddenly what time I left was a huge issue, despite it not having been one at ALL for 9 months. I refused to agree to the restrictions without consulting voc. rehab. They were to check with their people and get back to me.

So, 2 final warnings in 2 weeks. I knew this was obviously bad. I made the decision though to stick it out. I decided that it would be fired or nothing; I was not quitting because I had done nothing wrong and I did not want to leave. If emotionally I reached a point I couldn't take it I would quit, but otherwise I'd make sure they had a reason to be paying unemployment.

I kept thinking if I could make it to vacation, starting 10/8, I would be ok. I could recover, re-gain perspective, and return prepared to be as perfect as possible.

Things didn't work out quite that way.....

Part II

Preface: I realized I need to make a few additional descriptions. There was EM, the Evil Manager, but truly she didn't always seem evil. I was warned about her a lot at the start, but never felt she was against me until the last few months. Then there was the manager, who I'm totally confused about. She made comments as if she were on my side and believed everything EM said was crap, but she never made any effort to call me or anything since all this happened. And I have some suspicion she knew I was going to be fired days before it happened.

After July nothing else was ever said about anything I was doing wrong. We arranged for the OT who saw me through vocational rehab last year to come and talk about what she could suggest. She was away for much of the summer, so this was scheduled for late September.

In mid-September I was off on Tuesday because I was going to a conference on Thursday when I had a call from EM. They had discovered orders missing on some of my patients. I don't know why she called; I think it was just to threaten me some because there certainly wasn't anything I could do over the phone. I went to work on Wednesday knowing I was in trouble. I had no clue how much.

As usual when I got to work I went through the immediate needs, sorts through papers and dealt with them. A paper popped up that should have been shredded weeks ago. Basically my assistant had written an inappropriate note and the manager had told me to shred it. I know now that this is wrong; at the time I thought things that weren't co-signed were not "real". The manager was sitting beside me while I was sorting and when I got up to shred it so did she. I thought nothing of this.

Soon after she called me into the administrator's office and questioned me about why I had done this. I told her the manager had said it was ok, that it was inappropriate, etc. (It should also be noted that this company refused to put many notes of extenuating circumstances into charts, despite that being general medical practice. I know of at least one note of mine that I'm pretty certain was shredded by EM). At that point I was suspended pending investigation. I was told they would call Friday. I would not be able to attend a training I had looked forward to for months and spent a considerable amount of time preparing for.

By Thursday afternoon I had been called and told to report for work on Friday, that things were ok.

On Friday I met with EM and her boss for a long time. I received a "final warning" but things were handled in a way I thought was fairly sympathetic. I left not feeling that bad, all things considered. I was fighting depression from the moment things started and that didn't change, but I thought I had made a mistake.

Things seemed ok again, except that I was sleeping late quite a bit because of the depression and increase in meds. Not terribly late, but late. And I missed day one of meeting with my assistants weekly, but was told "that's ok, start next week". It took about 3 days of the next week to adjust the meds. And then I was back to me.

On Wednesday of the 2nd week the OT from voc. rehab came to talk to us (EM, manager, and me) about what works for me. She talked extensively about adjusting times to meet my needs (again, foreshadowing), and letting me use my own organization. Nobody had issues they brought up about anything and I opened it up for that.

It seemed things would be ok. That was a nice belief for an hour.....

What Happened Part One

I'm ready to explain how I was fired now. I probably will post in parts, since it happened in parts. The truth is that I don't understand what happened. So as you read, if you understand, I'd really, really like to know.

The first 3 months I had no complaints about my work except that once I was told I needed to increase my productivity some but that this would come as I was more acclimated. The other time was really horrifying to me, but eventually I laughed at it as other people did much, much worse variations and nothing was ever said. Basically I had written a note to my supervisor about several frustrating things, and at the bottom I signed "grrr" to express frustration. It was not in relation to anyone, and besides, that's pretty harmless. But I was given a huge lecture on not being threatening. Then, just to show that this wasn't at all related to my disability, I was told that if I was feeling I was a threat to myself or others to tell someone. Duh. I got a bit irked at that and gave the "I am bipolar, I am not violent. I take meds. Professionals guide my treatment and I am well in control of myself and if I am a threat to anyone it is ME, and believe me I won't be at work at that time" spiel. I was reassured it wasn't my diagnosis, but it clearly was. You just had to listen to the "I'm going to kill ___" that everyone else threw around.

So then after my orientation period I was informed I was going on an extended probation because of these two issues and another that basically was I had made an error and written a score for a patient as one thing on one form and another on another form. That was so minor I'm not sure why it was a big deal, but it was. But that was considered non-disciplinary.

At the next review the supervisor and I had some disagreement about how to handle my time management/organization issues. Nothing major, just she kept insisting she knew how to fix things, and that doing them her way would fix it. She would not listen to me say that my issues are different, they are due to my brain not working correctly and that I have tried every single thing she demanded I do and each failed. So I wound up trying to handle managerial stuff that my assistants' could have handled and it took me a very long time each week.

Shortly after that supervisor was fired and I was told to disregard everything she said. Yay.

I think I did ok for a while. And then the facility received negative publicity, the hospital wasn't very full, and so there wasn't enough to do. I did paperwork, weeks and weeks of it, which was good but not productive. Yet there was no alternative. This lasted with only a few breaks through when I was fired.

During the time I worked there I did not work on Thursdays. This meant that Wednesdays could be pretty busy. Originally I was told they would provide coverage for evals on Thursdays, but that was not true; it happened twice and I got in trouble for one of them. Get everything in writing.....Anyway, if there were late admissions, especially on Wednesdays, I would be at work very late. From the beginning the person I will call EM from here on out (Evil Manager) was well aware there were days I worked until 1 AM. Nothing was ever said for nine months.

In late July the manager and I had a meeting with EM. At this meeting I told her some of the things I was doing because of her now-fired boss and she told me to "ignore anything Stephanie ever told you". She agreed to move stuff to my assistants' responsibility list. In that meeting she asked me to name a time that I knew I would generally be at work (remember I arrive late but also that flex time is a major benefit, even without the disability issue). We agreed on noon, and if I was to be later than that I was to call the manager and her, "because we worry about you". Note that at no point was it mentioned that this was a verbal warning or that this meeting was in any way disciplinary.

We had a meeting with the assistants in early August. EM's new supervisor-to-be came as well. We talked a lot about organization of charts, tracking certain things, and I spoke for several minutes about hearing that there was a feeling that I was sometimes shutting people out or something. I talked about the illness and the mood swings and that if you hit me at a bad minute often I'm better in a few more, and that it's ok to suggest I take ativan. I don't care. Much better that than for me to embarrass myself or hurt someone's feelings.

All seemed well, until about 10 days after the meeting when EM denied that the assistants were to do the tracking that was so hard for me. She threw it on the rehab aide, who just kept printing things out from the computer that I could print myself, and I didn't want a bunch of papers on my desk, I had enough stuff. The rationale won't make sense to you, but really, the assistants should have been able to do this without any issue.

But even then, I just started doing it and figured it was tough luck if it affected my productivity.

And things went fine for some time. And then, oh did they go wrong. But that's part II....

This helps

First, in case I didn't say this already, I have an interview Friday.  And I am SO happy about that.
 
Second, I finally had a talk with HR from the old company today.  I will be paid for the 61 hours of accrued vacation time.  Which is a LOT of money I thought was forfeited.
 
On the other hand, I'm getting really irritated because she told me my ex-boss is planning to ship my belongings tomorrow.  I have been gone a week.  There is NO reason not to have done this or have delegated it.  It makes me feel sure she's taking one more chance to go through everything and that makes me angry.  My stuff is MINE.  (I didn't get to take it because I was fired over the phone.)
 
Anyway, I need to get to sleep.  I'm not relaxing well tonight and I really don't want more meds because we're leaving early for the zoo.

EMAILING FOR THE GREATER GOOD Join me

Maybe, maybe, maybe

I'm awaiting a VERY IMPORTANT call. I may have just found a way to work part-time at least or more until this company I want to work for has a position available in my county. It means driving, but I can do that for a while. Work is work is work, after all.

Now if I could just stay nice and calm until I know.

Impossible!

THAT was different

We went to a local Mexican restaurant here. Although I live in this midst of nowhere, we have a reasonable Mexican population who work in certain area factories. And so we have some really good restaurants.

I'd been to this one a few times when it was new and it was good then. However, the employees' English was so limited back then you really had to order by number or point. Today I noticed that the waiter spoke much more English and was able to take our orders with more ease. Sadly, he apparently didn't comprehend so well, as when my plate arrived it had 2 "I don't knows" on it rather than the tamale/enchilada combination, and my mother had 1/2 of what she ordered and a "I don't know".

Oh well, it was good. (except when I spilled lemonade all over myself)

Numb

I saw Dr. Brain today. As I talked through the events of the last 3 weeks I realized I am currently just numb. I don't want to start the story because I don't want to end the numbness (which is partly medication and I'm ok'd to be on quite a bit of it for a while) quite yet, but at least I finally have a description. I told her the whole thing and never even cried. I talked and talked and talked, and I don't even know what I looked at. She asked about how my session with Dr. Mind had been; I told her I didn't remember. I feel the same about the time with her.

I did realize that the timing has been exquisite on the company's part. They clearly planned this, but they also executed it so that they had the fewest losses in providing me training and vacation time.

In the last 2 days the numbness has protected me enough that the hardest part was that my pregnant cousin has come to visit from another state with her little girl. This was one of my best friends all the way until after college when she suddenly quit responding to my emails, call, etc. I've spent all these years hurting and not understanding. We are going to be near them one day this week. My mom asked if I was ok visiting and I tried, I really did but I realized I'm too fragile right now, and the pregnancy might be the last straw. My mother was confused and I had to explain that sometimes it HURTS when other people are pregnant and I have to know that won't be me.

I think the sleepiness is starting (I took 1 mg ativan plus 10 mg ambien so I should sleep well).

More posting soon. I so want to explain this horror, because it is a horror, and I need to hear what you all think. But I just can't stand dislodging my fragile barrier between hurting and talking.

Mmmm, not yet

I am doing remarkably well. I have a great deal that hasn't necessarily hit me yet, and I cry daily. I have some hard things ahead, including having to get the box of things I was fired over. And talking to human resources about things like COBRA. And some legal stuff, which I'll explain as I tell the story. But I'm not hitting horrible depression.

Mainly the worst things are sadness about not getting to say good-bye, anger that I'm not going near, frustration because what happened was so bizarre, embarrassment, and the only part of the anger that HAS hit: Thursday was to begin my vacation, time I had saved up for a very long time (I only took about 6 days off in the 9 months I was employed, I think). I was going to Niagara Falls. Now I'm going nowhere because of money. They knew they were going to fire me, they didn't want to pay my vacation, and they timed it for now. It's very obvious looking back; they used me as long as they could and then fired me. I lost over $2000 in vacation pay; I had quite a bit of time saved up because I needed to save it in case I had a bipolar episode. I may re-think that with my next job.

I did get a good lead on a job that sounds pretty good today. The only problem is that it will not start for some time. But aside from money-wise that may be ok because time to emotionally adjust may be good.

When I started this post I thought I was ready to start the story. I'm not. I am tired of it. And I have to get ready for bed because I go to see Dr. Brain tomorrow. Lucky her. Sympathy makes me fall apart totally.

Soon. Bear with me. Somehow this is far from the hardest thing ever to happen to me (yet it seems it should be), but I have to go step by step. Maybe in a few more days. For today, it's enough I braved the bi-annual meat sale to get a supply of pork to freeze. (not an experience to remember).

The end of the story

I was fired today. I'm already looking for a new job. I believe there was a lot of behind the scenes action that set things up over the last few weeks. I just hope I can show that enough to get unemployment.

It's been a horribly long day and I don't feel like saying more. I will sometime soon.

24 hours

It's now been 24 hours, 10 minutes since I left work. I made it through hours of total calm because I was so angry that calm was all I had. Then I lost it rather completely for a while last night, which at least got me to sleep.

And since I woke up, 5 hours ago, I've been waiting for the phone to ring. Either way, fired or come in, I just need to know. Every minute is more anxious. Because I can't handle this pressure much longer.

And I'm so limited in what I can do without the phone. The things on my to-do list involve calling people.

I swear I did nothing wrong. NOTHING.....

That rip your own intestines out feeling

I am so frustrated. I cannot believe that I am doing the best I have done in years and having this much trouble just working. Granted, a lot of that has to do with definitions and what happens where and when and who does what or decides they see what, but oh boy my life is a mess right now. Tomorrow is my last day before vacation. Or tomorrow I am fired. One or the other.

At worst there are 2 openings at the local hospital and chances are good I could get one. So I'm less panicked, but still annoyed that's even a consideration.

I was calm for hours, but now I just have lost my patience with it all.

And I probably sound like I'm talking in tongues, but I just can't explain any more.

I hate this.

Yet again

I just was suspended from work again.  There is a great deal I'm not telling, but there is an issue with a supervisor, and as of now my fate rests in her hands.  I finally went over her head with my concerns that she can't fairly judge and that each previous incident has had a negative spin put on it.  I take some responsibility for my actions, but at the same time they've dramatized.  And the current issue is so totally unfair that I'm speechless.  Especially because her boss told me Friday "it just happens".  And now "it just happens" may mean fired.
 
Further I'm getting a new roof and it's too loud to be at my house so I'm at my mother's with nothing to do.
 
This is NOT a good day.

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Nothing to say

There's just not much to say. Everything going on in my life I can't talk about so publicly. Work is still a mess. I'm feeling all kinds of things and don't know how to sort them out. I go on vacation this week and I really hope some of it is just smoothed over by distance by the time I return.

My decision has been to fight as long as I can. I'm upset and stressed but handling this well enough. I don't want to quit this job, even though it is getting more and more unhappy in some ways. I have a theory that if I can wait it out that it will improve.

My UTI seems to be clearing and the back pain is subsiding. Which is really good. I won't miss that. I guess frequent UTIs are now going to be part of my life.

I just can't wait to be off. 3 days......

Another example of why doctor screening is good

Today I saw Dr. Body. I've been having some fairly severe back pain for at least a few months. I've thought it was a UTI a few times, then decided not when nothing progresses. I've considered muscle issues, but I don't remembering hurting myself. I thought for a while it was menstrual cramps, but then it got to be all the time and that's not right. Then I thought maybe my ongoing constipation issues, but ultimately I decided since it's near my kidneys and my kidneys aren't happy ones that the best thing would be to see him for a check-up.

This is why I love him. He reviewed my meds and checked in on my bipolar condition. He listened to me, examined me, and well, he BELIEVED me. There was no questioning of whether this was the bipolar being weird, or if I was drug-seeking (a frequent assumption if I need narcotics for anything, which is more frequent than most people because lithium levels are affected by all NSAIDS (ie ibuproferon, aleve, celebrex, etc). He gave me muscle relaxants, and enough of them to let me heal if it is an injury (ie, a month supply, not the "you might be an addict because you are mentally ill 5 pills I've had other doctors give"). He also gave me exercises, which as a therapist I respect. And another med to add to my constipation meds. And he did a urine dip which was positive. So I also got an antibiotic. He treated all of me. And then when I asked him for a gynecologist referral because mine moved away or something he didn't act at all like I had hurried him. Instead he told me about someone and then called them and set up an appt. for me, specifying the doctor, which is really important because I need a doctor who is good with trauma. In all he spent an hour with me or looking up meds for me on his computer.

Also, I have gained weight, which is kind of odd since I fit clothes better. But rather than lecture me he just passed it off as "meds". Which is exactly what I needed to hear, right before I start my new and healthier diet.:)

This doctor is worth every second of the drive. He's worth every penny of the amount I paid 3 years ago to question him on everything from his beliefs about mental illness to his approach to sharing power with Dr. Brain to his understanding that I absolutely will not take medications he doesn't look up and make sure won't hurt me with the others I'm on.

I forgot

There is one thing. Please pray for this tomorrow.

Amidst all the stress of the last 2 weeks this barely even seems significant. But it is. As older readers know, last winter I was diagnosed with a cyst on my kidney, plus a disease called diabetes insipidus, which means my body doesn't maintain it's electrolyte balance well, nor does it hang onto water appropriately. I drink, my body flushes it out, this makes me thirsty, I drink more, I pee more. It's a problem caused by lithium. Generally they make you stop lithium, but because lithium has been one of the only drugs that gave me any good results my psychiatrist, family doctor, and nephrologist worked together to keep me on it.

A while back I thought I had a UTI. But it didn't get worse so I didn't get tested. I test positive anyhow because the cyst dumps blood into my urine all the time. But for at least 2 months now I've had a ton of pain in the kidney region. I have no memory of injuring my back, although this is possible. But even with being careful to protect my back and drink tons of water the last week or so I still have it. And my urine still is kind of smelly and icky. So I think I've had a UTI for a while. Or my kidneys are not liking the lithium compromise.

So tomorrow I'm getting this checked out. I know it's responsible to do so but I feel like a big baby. I do every time I show up with my list of meds pre-printed so the nurse doesn't have to go through it verbally. 33 pills takes a while......

Anyway, pray it's nothing, or that I hurt myself, or that it is just a simple UTI...Please. I can't handle more.

That's neat anyway

I'm emotionally struggling and that's why I'm not writing much. I can present a good front for most of the time, but I'm also feeling like a failure, like I'm never going to succeed, and like I have no right to try. And because I can't be totally specific here I just don't feel like trying to write about it.

But, today my blog reached over 6000 (total) hits. It took a year to get the first thousand, and I think 2000 the 2nd year and now I'm still 3 months from the 3rd year and that's another 3000. So, thanks for coming by.

I'll be back when I feel like I know what's going on in my own head.