Found

Well, I found my relaxation tape. I tried to find a blank tape and instead found the So I don't have to make a new one, and I can start using it. One thing. I don't know for sure I can. There's one thing wrong with that tape. My cat Eli loved it. I have no real clue why. Eli was terrified of men. Eli was terrified of everyone but me. But whenever I played that tape Eli would rub against me, rub against the tape player, purr, and then cuddle with me while the thing played. It's probably 15 minutes long and he never missed a chance. I guess he liked Dr. Mind's voice. I lost the thing about a year ago. (It was in with some DVDs, who knows why). Eli died in December. I wanted so much to be able to play it for him while he was so sick. And I couldn't find it.

I'm going to try. But I don't think a tape that makes me more sad is going to help. Which means I may have to make a new one anyway. Which wouldn't be the end of the world in one way; the tape I have now was made during a very, very hard time. It came about when I went to see Dr. Mind one day 3 years ago and was crying before he entered the room and proceeded to cry until he made me close my eyes and go through a relaxation thing. I'd always refused before, because in the past closing my eyes with someone else around made me do anything but relax. That day I was in no shape to argue, and if he had told me to hold my breath for 30 minutes I would have tried it. Instead I did what I was told and it helped. In fact I relaxed enough that I fell asleep for the first time in literally days that afternoon and slept for about 3 hours. So a few days later I brought in the tape recorder and we made the tape. Which then means that the tape is kind of a reminder of a scary time. Except that it also is really good because I was so vulnerable then and we wound up with a good tape because when he asked for places I had relaxed and loved I was unfiltered. But, and this is a big but, at the end about 10 seconds before he stopped a motorcycle very loudly went past the office. Which means that at the end of each play I have to listen to the motorcycle. And if you've ever read this blog, you know I HATE loud noises.

So I'll try it for a few days. We'll see. We may be making a new one after that.

I ordered a bunch of sensory integration stuff for myself. I hope it comes fast, and I hope it really, really works. I can't stand this whole sitting still thing, but I don't want to do anything either. So instead I fidget and stress and frankly that is starting to cause so much pain from tight muscles and grinding my teeth and ripping the skin off my fingers. It's really fun around here.