Good question

Yesterday Dr. Mind asked me if I'd found the hospital stay to be traumatic. I think that would be because of my reaction, which is overboard in a lot of ways, but hard to sort out what is reaction and what is depression. And then the whole extra set of stress with Dr. Brain and no follow-up, and work. And now of course my INSURANCE.

I said at the time more that it was frustrating than traumatic. I'm changing my mind. I feel like the following experience happened: Sept. 26 Dr. Brain and I discussed this happening. I began the taper. For weeks I dealt with anxiety and worsening depression, but got no feedback from her (I'm sure for a good reason, but it didn't help). Then I realized I was too sick to make it another 2 weeks. And then getting into the hospital didn't happen quickly; I didn't know until I got there if I'd even be admitted. Then the hospitalization left a lot to be desired; many of the groups were not appropriate for me. I was in a different place than the other patients. I didn't even have the same diagnosis. I felt a total lack of control much of the time. It is terrifying to feel as suicidal as I felt; I've been scared before but I've never known that I would do it if I could just reach something that would work. I hated being started at, and one nurse did a lot of that. I couldn't eat so she stared at me while I picked at my food, for several days on end. Then I was forced onto an inappropriate diet that took away the few foods I did eat and that fight went on until I left. There was no individual therapy, just 15 minutes with the doctor most days (I had 2 days without any doctor), and THAT part was traumatic. I needed so badly to talk about what was happening and I couldn't.

And then it wasn't like anyone took time to set up a discharge plan with me. Granted, I left a day early. But it would have helped so much to know what was happening. And then Dr. Brain is sick, and that stresses me out immensely because I have irrational fears about what people get that makes them sick, and while I know why she didn't want me to see someone else and she probably thought that is what I would want, it is thoroughly traumatic to have to try to get Dr. Body to take care of this. I wouldn't want to increase an MAOI if I were him, and I'm going to be begging him. I cannot live with this severe depression for much longer. I just can't take it. I want something to feel happy. Anything.

So yes, it was traumatic. Just not in any way I had considered previously. I think part of the trauma was that the things I thought would be good parts just didn't happen. I didn't meet people like me. I didn't even meet someone else who is bipolar. I thought I'd learn in the groups, and well, I can't believe my insurance paid money for a lot of that.

I just thought this would be different. I thought I'd feel better. And I do feel better than at my worst, but I can't say I'm all that much better than the week before I went to the hospital.

And right now I'm really afraid I'm going to be back there within a matter of weeks if something doesn't change. There, I said it. I'm 2 inches from suicidal and that is the only thing keeping me out.