Insight

Again, I am thinking about happens with the blog.  Nothing it at all decided.  But I do see why I'm feeling this way.

I spent nearly 2 months at my mom's after my surgery.  I could have gone home sooner but was having work done in the house so I hung out a while longer.  While I stayed there we/she (I mostly sat in a chair and sorted things or pointed) set up a sewing room for me with a little desk and the basement got new flooring and shelving (this comes from her, I can't pay it) and it is no longer disgusting down there.  In fact I like it and I've never said that about a basement.  It is organized and clean and I'm dying to paint it in the spring when I can open the windows since there's not much airflow down there.  

When I came home I was doing better than I had in a long time and not having physical limitations routinely helped immensely.  For so long I felt very confused and overwhelmed by my life because I could only handle bare minimums for so long and was not able to set a new routine after I couldn't work.  The combination of changes at home, the attempts to set a daily schedule even when that is currently mostly based on eating healthily through the day and I moved the computer, TV and Wii out of the bedroom which gets me to sit in the living room.  This is good before it's not good to be in one room all the time but I had never tolerated the living room because I hate seeing kitchen mess when I'm allegedly relaxing, especially when I know I really can't clean that mess up.

Now things are different.  I went home and it wasn't the same as before when I either truly believed I'd return to work soon and didn't need to change things or I was too sick to change.  It's been good because I have a bit of a routine now.  I wash dishes before I shower at night.  I try to do something out of the house and then I often nap.  I do laundry every few days because so few of my clothes fit still.  The cats are fed downstairs and their cans recycled in the basement bathroom.  I sift litter every 2 days.  I make sure to have protein, veggies and fruit daily.  I am seeking more support in the community and I am also looking for ways to interact.

I have accepted a lot more about my illness.  The other day I was thinking about my first hospitalization.  I always write a ton in a journal while I"m in there as it helps me focus.  But that first time I truly thought I was just writing about it in a "this will be interesting" mode.  I thought this was an admission for med changes and would never happen again.  I cried a lot that time over being there.  The last 2 times I haven't and that has been because I know that I more than likely will spend time there occasionally for the foreseeable future.  And that's ok.  So is the undemanding part of my home schedule.  I'll add things as I can but I'm becoming more accepting of not being able to do what I want all the time.  I'm seeing my life as it is right now and I don't have the courage to look forward waiting for a newantipsychotic to come out that would maybe give me a greater chance of feeling better all the time.  I can't look forward to working because it's too far off and too abstract.  Moving and Dr. Mind leaving both share dread and great sadness but I am not ready to handle that yet.  Moving is on step one:  what do we do?  But I think it feels like, for the first time in a long time that my life is as organized as it can be and that, in turn means that there is less internal conflict to write about.  It's not like things are easy, they aren't, but finally I've found a way to have a life on disability.  And there's just not much to say.  The days are not very interesting much of the time and so I don't post.  I used to write more about issues with mental healtha nd I may try that again but I just don't know what i Think.

I'm at a new place and I guess I am not finding it easy to work out what that means.