Not ready yet

My ancient cat is not doing well.  I was up much of last night with her and she has improved but I'm still very worried.  She was very nauseous yesterday even on an empty stomach and vomited profusely.  Then she was more and more uncomfortable and unable to sleep because of it.  She has had very little to eat although once I started her on fluids by syringe she rapidly took to drinking as long as I keep the water near her very full of very cold water.  She is weak enough not to be able to fight me when I give her medication which is very, very atypical for my girl.  It's actually time for another dose.  The hardest thing is she doesn't want me.  I blocked off a diagnonal corner of my room for her (not that this keeps the other cat from taking her food or currently annoying her by sitting in a rocking chair in that corner chasing his own tail) and if I try to pet her she goes and sits in the corner.  So I've stopped trying to do more than pet her head a couple times when I check on her.

Last night I was up most of the night with her.  For a while I really thought she was dying.  Now I don't think so although I don't think she isn't either.  I think this can go either way.  And I am not ready.  I know I'll never be ready but not now.  I've had almost 18 years with her.  And I want more.  I do not want her to live in pain though and just now she is not comfortable and may be in pain.

I need to move my bed around so I can look at her without making her agitated which happens if I check her from the current arrangement.  Last night she didn't sleep and every time I checked her it annoyed her.  And then I have to give her medication and I suppose carry her to the litter box.  I haven't seen her go in a long time but she's not had enough to really need to either.

I will take her to the vet tomorrow if she isn't eating.  I know how that goes.  They'll want me to syringe feed her and that doesn't go well.  I've not done it with her but it really upsets pets and then they don't want to eat because they think of food and forcing.  Obviously I'll do whatever but I'm really hoping to know she's eaten something and then be able to wait another day.  I don't want to deny her care if she needs it but I also don't want to spend money on this if she's going to bounce back.  And fluids are the most important and she's doing well with those. 

Now time to figure out the sequence of making everyone mad moving my bed, kicking the other cat out so I see if she'll eat, nausea medication, and a trip the litter. 

If she is dying I really hope that I can hold her once more without hurting her.  I knew this would/will happen someday.  Somehow I thought it would involve lots of cuddling because her life has.  Instead it just makes it worse if I touch anything but the top of her head.  So sad.  She won't purr anymore and that's killing me too. And of course if this doesn't fix itself I'll have a horrible decision to make. 

Not what I want for my girl, regardless of if she bounces back (I do want that, just not the feeling awful part) or not.