I was so upset with Dr. Mind and expected an awkward session. Instead we had the best session we've had in a long time. I hadn't realized how intense it has been. Today we just talked. There wasn't a lot of fighting to deal with anything, there were no tears, and we talked about things relevant to now but also we just talked. We've done sessions like that occasionally for years because the normal (ish) socialization is good for me both to practice and to just experience. Since at least January we have not had a single session that wasn't intense, at least that I can remember. So today was actually nice. I did briefly tell him what I felt the truth was related to his statements last week and he accepted that. There was not a big confrontation about how upset I was last week and I really, really needed that. I am taking it to mean both of us weren't right last week.
My new apartment plans are done and I've chosen cabinets and I think paint colors except for the bathroom and I'm close on it. We played a game of "let's reduce costs" today so we cut out a couple of windows, a small cabinet, etc. My sister is going to give me their fridge so they can have a bigger one as they become a family of 4, and that's really a nice gift since it's a very nice fridge but small for their purposes. It's one of the freezer on bottom ones and to me it will seem enormous. The apartment is bigger than we thought initially, 600 square feet and there is a nice little deck as well. I am probably no longer welcome in Sherwin Williams; I have collected a LOT of paint samples of late. They have these neat things that I'm using where there are about 15 color choices that are put together so every one of them matches all the others. It works nicely. Next up is financing on my mom's end. I have the weird thing of having excellent credit but such a low income that I couldn't get a $50 loan. A few year ago I had not good credit but a lot of income. I'm so glad that I worked hard to fix my credit the last several years I was working.Monday, April 22, 2013
Figures
Sunday, April 21, 2013
A secret about therapy
I can't sleep tonight. It's been hard for days; tonight is worse than the others. It's all anxiety. I've had a few mild panic attacks to accompany this and I'm exhausted yet sleepless.
I've not posted in a long time. That has to do with the sleep issues, a medication increase that had me really groggy for a while, a migraine that combined with the med change left me kind of like I imagine being stoned is, out of town family visiting and I just haven't known what to say.
But the anxiety right now is so bad and a lot comes from an unusual source. For the sake of being truthful what I'll talk about is not the only cause of anxiety. Moving is getting harder. There are financial issues pending about whether I will have the garage apartment that I've been picturing or if I'm going to rent. I hate renting and with asthma renting can be difficult (if I'm allergic to something in the rental I may not be able to do anything for a year until a lease is up). Living in a scattered home and realizing that I packed a series of books but forgot #3 and now it's in the random pile, or wanting something that is packed, sealed and stacked in another room frustrates me.
But the biggest thing is that I am mad at Dr. Mind. I'm actually really mad at Dr. Mind. Usually I talk about him like he is only a source of happiness and support. But that's not always true. In recent years there has been less confrontation, minus the months of PTSD treatment that were very confrontational. In the first months I saw him we had several disagreements that got pretty heated. I'd never had a therapist show anger or raise their voice even slightly or even disagree with me if I said I could take care of myself regarding hurting myself. But in time it became ok for him to confront or disagree with me. However, right now he is doing it so much that I feel like he's being extremely picky. Monday was the last straw when he said something that to me means "You're not trying". I seriously doubt this was his intent but it was how it came across, especially since it was 5 minutes after another thing I did wrong. I did something I don't think I've ever done in there; I shut down. I talked and listened but I was not paying attention and I didn't want to respond to him. I wanted to cry but I didn't want him to see me cry when it was because I was so mad. When I started writing I realized that he's interpreting something wrong, I think. Or what I think is true is really just what he's saying although I don't think so. Regardless I'm unsure how to handle it. I know things I need to say but I don't know how to say them without sounding accusatory or defensive. The end result is that I wind up feeling completely lost.He tried to tell me he was being direct because I need to hear what he is saying. But I don't agree and I think I feel judged. I'm used to hearing that I'm being brave, that I'm doing what I can, that I'm being strong. Now it feels like all I do is wrong. I'm positive he doesn't mean that but it's what it is coming across as.
I don't know. I know I used to picture therapy as being all supportive and happy. I didn't picture difficult conflicts between the patient and therapist. I had that supportive/happy therapist and it didn't go well. I had a pacifist therapist when I was angry and needed to have someone fight back. I got a lot of fight out but it was by refusing to talk and the therapist reciprocated so we stared at each other for 14 minutes. I know hearing things I don't like can help me. I just don't know what happens when I'm pretty certain those observations that I don't like are truly inaccurate.
Hmm, maybe sleepy. It's 5:15 AM so that would be nice.
Night. Morning?
Friday, April 12, 2013
Matthew Warren
I've written a lot about suicide lately. I've been dealing with it heavily for nearly 2 months per Dr. Mind 's notes and it is something that both weigh on my mind and terrifies me. I didn't write about this and I should have. Michal reminded me of it and I guess I can focus on someone else for a change.
For those who don't know, Matthew is the son of pastor and author Rick Warren. Last weekend he killed himself. His father has spoken of it, essentially saying that Matthew had mental illness and everything was done to help him but it didn't work. That last thing is really important: it didn't work is much, much different than casting blame. It's not about blame and it's not about guilt. It's about illness that is so hard to live with that sometimes desperation feels like the only solution. Suicide is not about not having faith. I thought for a long time that it was the unforgivable sin because you can't ask forgiveness. I don't believe that now. I believe God recognizes desperation and God forgives. God know what mental illness is and it is not something that He has chosen to take away like some many physical diseases. We live in a world where most kids won't have chicken pox, something that was nearly universal for us (except me, I wasn't immune when tested and I only had half the shots because of psych reactions that occurred simultaneously to the shot. It's probably not the shot but we aren't taking chances. So when I get chicken pox at 38 you can know it was my decision), but mental illness is controlled for some and not for others. Not knowing why things work for what people makes treatment extremely difficult.Mental illness has a lot more treatment options now than it did 20 years ago but a quick look at my undermedicated because of lack of meds life shows why there are still so many who find they cannot find the hope to make it another day. Finding hope daily is an actual job with mental illness. When the reality is that counseling is very helpful for many but commonly needs to be augmented with meds, yet there is no way to know what med will work for what person and what combination is needed. Sometimes people can't take the wait to find what works. Sometimes the meds are just too much to deal with. People forget sometimes that being on psych meds often includes: significant weight gain, thirst, tooth decay from dry mouth, diabetes, fatigue, restlessness,nausea, GERD, insomnia, interaction with other meds, anxiety, severe constipation, diarrhea, sedation, sensitivity to light, sensitivity to the sun, heat sensitivity, and hundreds of others. Psych meds aren't easy. What is even harder is that they don't know why meds work. I was on a med called Latuda in 2011. I was on it soon after it came out. It lasted maybe 2 weeks. It made me worse and I couldn't describe how. A few months later I was taking that NAMI class I took and someone in there and later in my support group was having amazing results from this new drug. I asked and it was Latuda. A month later another support group member started Latuda and had immediate improvement. Soon after someone commented on here or emailed me about how much Latuda was helping them. I am convinced it is the drug that helps everyone but me.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Confession
I think I'm also going through a jealous period. For years I worked with patients. Most of the time they had therapy, improved and went back to their lives. After I moved to home health I discovered that the transition wasn't as seamless as it could appear if you didn't think about it at the early rehab level. I knew that I was referring most homegoing nursing home patients for further therapy. I just didn't know that therapy was about reshaping their lives in the context of what happened to them. I thought home health was about making things normal for them, even though I learned that mostly they didn't go back to totally normal. Most suffered losses but then were able to re-arrange life enough to go on. It could be very hard and I gave a lot of support. Sometimes support was half of my job. Sometimes I had to get support to give support; there was once a patient who believed with 100% determination that if stroke recovery was not 100% that was my fault. I had actually done a pretty impressive job with her (for those in the know I reduced a significant shoulder subluxation from I think 2 fingers to less than 1/2) and that had reduced her severe pain and then we had regained most function in that arm. We were working on precision and she was not going to get all of that back at that time. But it took a social worker to convince her that she couldn't expect me to fix things 100%.
Another person had lost her husband and then had major health problems develop. I was called in partly to show her that I had developed asthma and allergies during the past 6 months and that I struggled to cope as well, while helping her learn ways to deal with her health. It worked for her.Surprise Again
The medication did not make me fall asleep again. I'm not sleeping all that well. But I am more rested, although I've been really tired and kind of groggy from the increase. I am hoping to be allowed to bump up a little more because I think this is going to work at some point, at least somewhat. Somewhat seems good at this point.
Dr. Mind and I had a review of the suicide discussion plus the Dr. Brain additions. I think I have managed to get a lot more safety in my life. I'm still struggling with needing it and knowing that there are limits on the safety that is in place, but as I was told immediately after returning home from the hospital the suicidal time nothing can keep me safe if I don't choose for it to do so. Valid and humbling point.Sunday, April 07, 2013
Surprise
Yesterday I learned that there are several anti-psychotics that are likely to be out relatively soon. Relatively means "a long time if you're waiting for them" but after 2 years of waiting another 2 years isn't THAT long. I guess. Dr. Brain is trying to find out about one that sounds like it may be coming before too much longer. The only other new med is an antidepressant that I can't have because it has caused rage issues, not ideal in the bipolar and suicidal group.
Because I need sleep and there is just not much harm in trying things that aren't likely to do much for my mood we bumped up my Neurontin dose again and will head for a therapeutic level if I can tolerate it. In the past I did not but the circumstances might have played a role there. Saturday, April 06, 2013
truth can be rough
I saw Dr. Brain today. We talked a lot about how hard it is that everything keeps changing in ways that I didn't ask for, that this is now 2 years old and that I'm likely to go through losing Dr. Mind in a year. We also discussed what I'm only beginning to understand the implications of, my brain's determination that I can only take so much and that I will not choose to keep pushing to live for however long that's supposed
be. I know not now but that unless we fix this that someday I'll reach a point that I will choose to give up. Wednesday, April 03, 2013
Prescription: Tears
Dr. Mind was off for a week. I think I needed the break, even though it really wasn't one since I saw him on Saturday and then 9 days later instead of 7. But we haven't had many breaks in the last year. With my at-risk status if he's gone I see someone else to be sure I'm safe or we manipulate things like we did this time.
Regardless I have been feeling a bit better. Sunshine has helped a great deal I think. I even got a psyhotropic induced sunburn over the weekend. But something else has helped: crying. Crying is usually really difficult for me. I cry in Dr. Mind's office and usually that's it. Lately that's meant sobbing for an hour with him, crying in my car for a while longer, and then waiting a week. While he was off I watched a movie that made me cry. I felt compelled to watch it again the next night and the next. Several nights of watching and sobbing made me feel better. So for now I'm actually trying to cry every day by watching the few movies that have that effect.I should add that I'm packing my home up now and that makes tears a little easier to come by. It's amazing how quickly things seem missing when there is still so much to pack. But I am making progress and handling it well enough. That's not to say that I don't cry when I think of it, but at least packing makes me feel in control a little. I'm also working on finding cabinets flooring, paints, bathroom choices, etc. and since my new home is only 500 square feet that's kind of a challenge. I need things to be as open as possible and the color selections matter. That's particularly true since my bedroom is going to be an attempt to help me sleep and will be pretty dark in color to keep things as dark as possible. The rest of it needs to be contrasting to that darkness.
Anyway, that's what is up here. Sanctioned crying and packing, one box at a time.
Monday, April 01, 2013
The Future
Jean Grey always gives me things to think about. She's been through loss with disability and she is able to give me answers that are based on experience.
This time she wrote:If you are like me, you are not going to be happy until you have a plan- even if it is just a dream at this point. I don't know what you want to do in the future. Maybe it is to be a peer counselor, a nanny for a special needs child, or a part-time OT. You have learned skills that are still with you- and that can benefit someone.
But at this point, while nobody is discouraging me, I'm also not being encouraged to think that way. I don't precisely know what I have to achieve to be allowed to consider working but I know it includes at least a year of stability as defined my my particular illness (ie, cycling but not drastic, not suicidal, sleeping regularly, etc). Considering that it's been 15 months that I've not been allowed to have control of my medications or sharps and while an end was approaching I have now nearly certainly bought another period of safety time, I think that this is a very long way from happening.
There are a few other issues with working or even volunteering. One is that even the last 2 years I worked I was taking advantage of flex time a LOT to manage. Most jobs aren't going to offer that. I really doubt I could handle a work schedule that wasn't flexible without serious difficulty because of my sleep and exhaustion issues. The more meds I take trying to stabilize and/or sleep the harder it is to operate on a schedule. Another issue is that the kind of job I could possibly get is not going to pay enough for the limited number of hours I'd be allowed to work to make much sense. My work history also doesn't lend itself to getting a job in an economy where jobs are rare. Years of not working, multiple job changes, fired twice, etc. aren't good. The last thing is that I can't work until we know that I psychologically can manage not feeling excessively responsible. I can't exist as a job while ignoring my health needs, and all it takes for me to start out of control is a simple request to pick up a couple hours. I've had that problem since my very first job.
The final thing is that I can't easily find myself thinking "I could do that" when I don't live where I will be living in a few months. I don' t know my new area all that well. I worked there for a while but with little community involvement. I know my way around and what stores exist, mostly. So in 6 months this may all feel different.
Who knows. This is all so much more involved than I thought it would be.
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