truth can be rough

I saw Dr. Brain today.  We talked a lot about how hard it is that everything keeps changing in ways that I didn't ask for, that this is now 2 years old and that I'm likely to go through losing Dr. Mind in a year.  We also discussed what I'm only beginning to understand the implications of, my brain's determination that I can only take so much and that I will not choose to keep pushing to live for however long that's supposed

 be.  I know not now but that unless we fix this that someday I'll reach a point that I will choose to give up. 

Talking about that is hard enough.  Adding the important yet she already knows it fact that I do not feel that something impulsive and recoverable is something I'd do.  I know enough about medications that if I reach that point I'm very likely to succeed.
 

I have known that this was a concern for a while.  When I was in the hospital suicidal and afterward it wasn't ever specifically said but it was implied that my risk was higher.  Dr. Mind and I talked about that last year some and I know that he agrees as well.

So chances are that I am not just on precautions, I just am not entirely safe with access to certain things.  Hearing that was hard.  She said there are new meds that will emerge in the next year or two and I'll try every one that I can until something helps.  She said that something will.  I realized while we talked that in reality when I was first diagnosed and saw the Guru of bipolar disorder he seemed to think I'd run out of med options very quickly.  But so many meds were made available that I got about 8 years out of it.  It's just hard to think of time I spent fighting so hard as bonus time, and it's hard to care that this was predictable and discussed at various times.

I needed to have the conversation we had today.  I need people to know so they can help me stay safe.  I also need them to know that I need to be considered a risk all the time if something is hard.

I'm going to try to get to a therapeutic level of neurontin.  It's a weak mood stabilizer but it has been helping with sleep somewhat in the last few months at low doses.  In the past I didn't handle it well at the dose I started tonight but at  that time I had so much going on that I'm not sure it got a fair start.  Dealing with it if it is bad isn't hard.  So we're trying and if it works I may actually catch up on some sleep in the next few days.

I can't believe how tired these trips to see her make me.  It's worth it but 4 hours of driving plus nearly 2 hours at the office (1.5 with her) today is tiring.  I need to go eat and I'm so tired I can't imagine wanting anything.