Reverse Hibernation

This is the time of year most animals are settling in to hibernate.  Usually it is the time I am joining them by beginning to use my sun lamp.  Unfortunately I packed that into my storage unit so I won't have it until a little later this year.

But instead of hibernating a strange and wonderous thing is happening here.  The Topamax is continuing to help my mood and anxiety and I am feeling better than I have in 2 1/2 years. 

It is the strangest thing.  I've had long cycles that felt pretty weird when I emerged in the past.  I have never had anything like 2 1/2 years of being so extremely ill and it turns out that recovering is strange.  So much has changed.  Even the things that haven't changed feel new because it was so long ago that I experienced them.  I am used to coming out of a bad period and having my life at least partially the way it was before the episode started.  But that is when the episodes were 6 months long and not as bad.  This is entirely different and it's an adjustment to be better and have my life virtually vacated.  I know that I need to get involved in some social things and have made a few tentative steps that direction but I know that I have pretty huge limits still.  I can't do big groups.  Smaller groups still will have difficulties as my social skills deteriorated greatly while I was sick and so finding places I am comfortable isn't easy.  I'm trying to find a NAMI small group because there nobody thinks it is weird if you can't look at them and when you talk in the wrong places and with the wrong inflection.  Between social skills and fatness I really feel uncomfortable in public right now.    The fatness could be improved with some clothes that fit but until the debt ceiling issue is resolved I am scared to spend money.  My social security check should have just arrived in my account and that will be the last of those if it isn't corrected in 24 hours.  As it is the spending for the house project (money that is already set aside in my mom's account for most things) has to continue and so today I bought a garage door opener.  It had good reviews but was not too far above the most basic model anywhere so I hope that doesn't backfire.  Appliances are ordered but not paid for except for my microwave which also serves as a fume hood.  It's just not in yet.  And then there is the major trip to Ikea coming up for a ton of things needed for completion.  Not sure what will happen there if the debt ceiling isn't met.  I'm past having any particular political affiliation, I just am begging God for them to work it out----and planning to vote every single congressional member representing me out of office if I can.  I did sent a letter to my representative reminding him that he is representing very poor people here, people who may be going hungry without WIC and children who are being placed at a disadvantage without Headstart and that some time of action would be good on his part.  I don't know that I care WHAT action, just something.  Which may sound partisan if I try to explain so I won't.

Both doctors are commenting on how good I look.  So much of that is that I'm not feeling terribly, painfully, unbearably anxious anymore.  Anxiety comes in bits and pieces (the last hour has been bad) but it is not all the time since the topamax has been in place.  Dr. Mind and I talked about PTSD and that the very hard treatment we did about that in 2012 has really paid off.  I don't have very many symptoms at all and often have none for days on end. 

The only bad thing is that I have poison ivy all over my neck and in patches on my face and hands.  I helped Anne pick up a leaf collection the other day and apparently my vigilance didn't stop her from handing me at least one pretty red leaf.  I found a really good product to dry it which helps immensely and so I'm only itchy when it wears off.

Tomorrow is the dentist.  I haven't been in almost a year.  I just got insurance (independent) last month and so it started the 1st and this was the first available.  I dread it because I know I have 2 cavities from the last time and I have some sore teeth from grinding and I also accidentally put my bite guard in the storage unit. 

Anyway I think I'm going to go roust the puppy in hopes he'll let me sleep a little later if he has some midnight exercise.  (My mom is at my sister's.)  I really am hoping he lets me nap tomorrow after the dentist.  I'm watching both girls Thursday and am nervous about it.  Anne never took a bottle so just doing that is a huge difference and we didn't watch her much when she was a baby because her father was finishing his master's and was home with her.  Now my sister works bizarre hours and my BIL works nights (although only 3/week right now as he is extending his paternity leave that way) and so things are very different.  But Geraldine is a much easier baby than her sister was and she will take bottles and she will sleep and I intend to mostly just wear her in the sling.  I haven't seen her in a while so I'm excited to see how big and healthy she is now.

And that's it from dazed and confused but much better.