avoidance

I've been avoiding writing.  Emails, blogs, I just haven't wanted to talk about this.  And I'm really still not going to say much.  I might have said more but then I was trying to work on the Christmas sewing I desperately need to do and I ran the needle through the outer few layers of skin while the machine was going and that was as unpleasant as it sounds and I still completely ruined the bib I was making.  So instead of feeling all proud because I got some things done and managed to do so despite how hard it is for me to knit or sew while crammed into this room (overcrowding is making me slightly stir crazy.  I'm going to start putting some of my things in the corners over there because I need space) I instead am frustrated.

But even that isn't the real reason I've become quiet.  Several years ago I wrote some about how a discussion of some of my extreme fears that stem from the abuse I lived through led to a discussion of my profound fear of guns and that it was pretty clear that something had scared me about a gun at some point in time but I did not remember.  I was eventually convinced that I did not need to remember and that remembering would probably only hurt me.  Even through the PTSD treatment where I had to remember a lot I did not remember what happened.

And then last week was deer season.  Although you could hear occasional shots in the town I used to live in I haven't lived in the country in 20 years and really had forgotten what deer season is like surrounded by, well, deer.  And here it is even more so because we live on the edge of a wildlife sanctuary and the deer get mixed up and leave it and then are practically lined up for the hunters.  Deer hunting is a necessity here and I fully believe in it.  I just had forgotten how much of it there is when you aren't in a town and some especially close shots had startled me.  (Ok, I probably got a deer killed.  The dog went wild and I let him out into the fenced yard in time to see a deer run off.  Immediately after there was a shot very close to the edge of our property.  My mom said there were ATV tracks back there so someone nearly certainly hit a deer within minutes of my accidentally flushing one).

I was driving along thinking about this and something flashed through my head and I was really afraid and I even said aloud "I'm remembering.  Please God I don't want to remember".  But I did.  And while I am not even particularly freaked out (probably because it was likely to be some variation on one of just a few things so I did know what it was likely to resemble), I am avoiding thinking about it or what it meant.  I will say that it was an obvious scenario but the people involved are not who I would have thought.  It does, however, take one memory that has always been something that I remembered a certain amount of and then no more of what happened and it gives it an ending and a reason that I forgot and a reason for my fear. 

Anyway, tomorrow I see Dr. Mind and we can talk about this.  I don't know what there really is to say; it happened and life goes on at this point.  But it was strange to remember like that.  And I don't want to talk about it, indicating I need to.