Silence

This is the least I've posted in any month ever.  It's been a hard month to come up with things to say because usually I am writing about what I am thinking about.  This month I've been running from my thoughts.  Partly this is a mixed episode that started longer ago than I realized and I just haven't been in the mood to write.  There has been a lot of grieving over my brother and I don't want to write much about that on here.  But there's also been an issue with Dr. Mind being sick and he has missed some appointments and when he is there he is kind of out of it and so while he at least made sure I got the mixed episode treated medically last week (sort of; read on) counseling isn't the support it usually is and that's making me avoid my racing thoughts in every way I can.  That's been even more true as I've been pretty paranoid this time around and it's better to not let your mind and words run free while paranoid. 

Dr. Mind being sick has been really hard.  I don't know what to say beyond that aside from I miss him and I feel so bad because he truly has been suffering terribly, but this is showing me how grateful I should be that he isn't leaving.  To be honest I'm sad for him that he isn't doing that, he really wanted to and it was his dream for many years and it is so hard to have a decision made by your health.  But I know now how much I miss him when I'm seeing him every week so I can't image having to say good-bye.

Along with those things my life is just busy now.  I am only doing PT 2 times per week now instead of 3 but I usually spend around 2 hours a day working on it at home on non-PT, non-painful days.  (Sometimes I overdo and pay for several days).  On painful days I do a lot of stretching.  Last week my mom was out of town and I thought I was going to have a very quiet week but right before she left a golden retriever mix showed up.  We did everything to find his owners and nobody responded or contacted the pound.  So I went to get tags for him and the pound lady remembered him from him being in there the week before after running away from home.  I told her to call the owner (he was legally mine) and arranged to have him picked up. Then I cried all day.  He had been neglected and had no socialization with humans or other animals and he is the smartest, sweetest boy ever.  I wanted to keep him so badly.  Giving him back was going to be awful.  But she actually asked if I wanted him while I was working up the courage to ask if she wanted to give him up and so we gained a dog.  He's really my mom's, I can't have a dog with my cats in this tiny space but I spent all of last week with him helping him to adjust.

I had a med change ordered (increased gabapentin) but we agreed I should wait until my mom was home to do it because I had trouble being very out of it on a higher dose of gabapentin in the past and we've kept it low to avoid that possibility.  I wasn't very aware that I was out of it the last time so I wanted my mom to tell me if I was out of it and unsafe to drive.  I arranged PT so that I'd have several days to adjust and then found out that my mom was going to be out of town with my sister and nieces for a few days this week and I'm dog-sitting and somehow they forgot to ask me.  My mom feels really bad about it but I'm not going to get to start the med change until Friday night now.  I'm just not going to worry much about missing counseling Monday.  It's not going very well anyway and this is a dreaded 5 weeks between social security checks month so missing a counseling session helps my budget greatly.  I just hope that it works.  I'm tired of feeling bad and I really need this drug to help because the options are quite limited.  Dr. Brain has a few people on more Seroquel than I am taking, however it doesn't seem likely that I could handle that because I am having a very difficult time peeing on this dose.  And once you are on so much there isn't a small boost that is going to do anything anymore; 50 mg is such a tiny percent of my dose that it isn't going to be more than a drop in the bucket.  I had a panic attack that was really bad a week and a half ago and I absolutely couldn't pee until it settled down because I have to focus on relaxing to go and mid-panic attack (it lasted a couple hours) I can't do that.

I can't even remember what else has been going on.  My keyboard wasn't working for quite a while and that was making typing a blog post pretty difficult.  My Anna cat seemed near the end for a while but I took her in and begged for an antibiotic shot to see if it helped her because she seemed to be at the end for days and that turned into a couple weeks and nothing was happening, so I talked to the vet about hospice and she can have unlimited antibiotics until they don't work anymore, and she has been doing great for the last few weeks.  I cut back her nausea med to once a day and she is actually eating cat food again and eating a much larger volume than before.  Hopefully she doesn't get puke-y again. 

I spent quite a bit of time with my brother last week and we talked and laughed and I honestly felt good being with him.  It was a good thing and very much needed.  I hope that I can maintain something like this until things change again.  That could be about any time now.  It could be months more but it is nearing the average wait time.

otherwise I need to empty the kitty litter.  I really meant to do that earlier but I fell asleep.  I bought some of that new lightweight stuff and maybe it is ok for cats who aren't in renal failure but for my cat who pees gallons it sucks.  So I have to totally empty the thing and start over.  I'll wind up with a smelly trash can all night because i'm not going out in the cold to the trash bin but it's better than a smelly bedroom.  I want my Anna to be here as long as she has a happy life but I absolutely will not miss the kitty litter in my bedroom.

I am so tired.  Maybe I'll get to sleep early tonight.  It would be great since I have to sleep at my mom's the next 2 nights.  Ugh. 

Or can I just fall asleep with icky litter one night??????  I think we shall see.  Tomorrow is so much easier to manage all that.  Or not.  Guess it depends on falling asleep.