No more mail

I had a better day today. We took my nieces out for a day of fun so my sister could wrap presents and do things like that without a 4 year old "helping".  The day was a lot of fun and mostly was just what I needed. The girls are so much fun and the baby is a riot.  She is trying to say everything with varying success and she is so expressive that it is hard to not laugh with her.  Anne is a ball of energy and imagination and is so excited about Christmas, really for the first time.

  It has had its sadder moments as my uncle just seems to be moving through the end of this life rapidly.  I don't think he'll be here more than a few weeks based on the doses of incredilby strong pain meds he is being given and they are still adding bolster doses.  I'm so sad for my aunt and cousins.  This loss will be hard for all of them, they are a close family, and it is happening rather quickly.  He hasn't been doing well for a long time but has only been on hospice a few weeks.  I think he has given himself permission to let go as the pain is controlled and as he has been able to have a lot of conversations about his wishes with the help of hospice and just the open admission that things are deteriorating rapidly.  Updates on that tend to make me tearful just because they were the perfect family and then his accident brought so much hardship into all of their lives and they've stayed so close and now is going to be very painful for everyone.

Then I got home and hit a moment that I just hate.  I need to deal with it ASAP to make this part of the hurt end quickly but it's hard.  OTs have a national certification (the letter R for registered) as well as state licensure (/L, so it all together is OTR/L).  Back in the old days when I took the test getting the R was a HUGE deal because the test was only given twice a year (?) and was a 4 hour fill in the bubbles test.  It was also hard and you had to wait 6 weeks to find out if you passed.  They considered passing to be anyone in the top something percentile so it wasn't possible to even guess about how you'd done and those 6 weeks were TORTURE.  I remember getting very close to 6 weeks and leaving to go to the laundromat and thinking "it will be here when I get back".  When I got back there was a big envelope so I knew I'd passed and then there was much celebrating for the next several days.  After the R then I had to wait out Ohio's slow process to get the L and until I had that L I had to have someone co-sign for me.  About a month later I was finally independent, 5 months after graduation and 4 months into my job.  

This year I have to give those letters back, so to speak.  To keep them you have to do continuing educations and I think maintain a certain number of hours practicing (I think that is my state license).  Since I can't really do continuing eds because I can't focus well enough and it would be a waste of money anyway, plus I can't meet the hour requirement I will not be renewing those letters.  This year happens to be a year that both of them are to be renewed and so I have to deal with both hurts.  The first one can be done after the first of the year and is my R.  I think I really keep it, for whatever good that does, but I will now be status "retired in good standing" with the national board.  In the spring I will put my Ohio license in escrow where it will wait out the 5 years until it will also retire.  This isn't final except that I know that this is not work I can do without going overboard and therefore it is not work I can do.  I don't know that I'd try or be encouraged to try even if I new med came out that worked better than anything else had, because I am unable to not push myself past reasonable bounds.  And when that is added to my being slow at documentation it ends up meaning that I work way more than I reasonably can or should.  I don't know; it's just best right not to not talk about the "if" that does exist to go back.  Instead I'm just sad that it is time to essentially end this part of my life.  I worked so hard for those letters and I treasured them.  3 years ago I was sitting in a hospital room trying to decide if I was going to tell someone that I needed help because I was going to kill myself rather than deal with knowing I was done working, or if I'd just go home from the hospital without people understanding and feel that I gave them a chance to stop me.  This doesn't hurt like that did but it hurts a lot.  I really didn't expect anything to come about it for a few more weeks so the timing is hard as well.

Oh well.  I keep thinking that my family may have a difficult Christmas (although I honestly think it won't be, I think the worst part was watching my mom trying to put together something "normal" when that isn't there) but compared to my aunt and cousins we will be doing great.  

Life is just not an easy thing.