Thinking

Today I saw Drs. Mind and Brain in one of my exhausting long days.  I actually am doing really well right now, well enough that I was offered the chance to go 2 months between seeing Dr. Brain for the first time in 12, nearly 13, years.  I didn't do that because I have too much stuff up in the air with my brother and uncle and even just that I seem to be getting sick with whatever has made my mom very ill for the last week (my throat hurts.  And I just realized I got too into the Ohio State game and forgot to take my meds so I'll never get to sleep.....off to take those now...)......So anyway (great, now the cat is throwing up so I have to clean that up and give her medication; I think she ate grain somehow today).....Anyway, getting sick.  That alone can throw my mood and if it is respiratory it means inhalers and albuterol and those make things worse too.  But anyway, I talked to both a bit about being ready for the hit that is coming when my brother is arrested again, this time for real.  I'm afraid of it.

And that led me to the thought of the week.  I mean that literally; I'm going to think about this for a week and then discuss with Dr. Mind.  He doesn't know yet.  I had all that lovely driving time (2.5 hours plus extra for rush hour plus a bunch extra for taking the wrong ramp and heading for Michigan thinking there would be a connection to the interstate I needed when there wasn't) to think.

And here's the big thought:  Dr. Mind says I can handle this, that I've handled worse things and I can draw from the strength of knowing I have done that.  I suppose that's true although right now it feels like that is a really, really bad thing and I know that is because I remember what it felt like to know at first and even though this time there won't be the shock and horror from before (especially if all goes as planned and I don't know details) my mind says that is what will happen because it was what it was like last spring.  So there's that; he's right that I have handled worse and even have handled the worse end of this.  But what I want to know is why do I have to deal with SOMETHING ELSE?  It seems like my resume for dealing with crappy stuff is pretty full.  And honestly the argument that i can deal with this because I've handled worse, that just emphasizes the point that I've done my fair share of handling things.

I try to not ever ask why me because the answer is why not me.  There's no point in asking a question that has an obvious answer.  But I think, with approval and support of Dr. Mind, I want to have one week to think about this.  I want to know his answers.  I want to have a chance to think about what has let me be so lucky as to experience extra grief and pain in life.  And I don't want the answers to be all the things about what I've learned and the strength that comes from this.  I just want to think for a while about what it would be like to NOT have my past come back and slap me in the face over and over, no matter what I do to cope with it.  I've worked very hard to deal with issues that will inevitably bubble up again when my brother is arrested.  I want to know why they can't stay put away and dealt with.

I don't want to sound like I'm asking him for permission to spend a week feeling sorry for myself because that's not what I want.  I just need to think more about the why me/why not me thing a little more than my pat answer allows.  I hate that I'm doing well, so well, for the first time in years and that this is at risk just because I care about my brother.  Most people don't find that a devastating thing to do but for me it is and it's not just devastating it has become a choice that I've had to make.  And I'm fine with my choice but I am just a little overwhelmed by what it means.

And so I want a week.  A week before dealing with this means potentially increasing my Seroquel to a level I don't even know if I can tolerate, a level that can only be temporary anyway.  I asked today because if we couldn't go up at all we needed to discuss going down a bit now which nobody wants to see because this dose works for me, even though it is very high and has some side effects I dislike.  I have no other meds that can go up and do not want to have to add an older drug when I am dealing with family needing me since the older drugs could have all sorts of other side effects and would require extremely careful monitoring because of my history of extra-pyramidal symptoms.  The extreme dose of Seroquel may have that risk as well, probably does, but we know I've been on very high doses before and for a long time now without EPS and that hasn't been true with most anti-psychotics.  So Seroquel is just a little more trusted for me.  

I don't even know exactly what I am saying or what I want.  I think I just want time to be sad that I have to face a big sadness yet again.  I hope I can make Dr. Mind understand what I'm thinking.