Ongoing

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I've had 2 nights of valium induced coma.  It doesn't feel like sleep, it feels like being sedated.  And it's not even close to getting me on track with a sleep cycle; I'm too manic for that so I take it when I'm calm enough for it to work.  I can take more but it would knock me out for so many hours that I'd still be messed up.  Figuring out the hours I'm sleeping can happen when I'm not so mixed.

It feels like everything is far too overwhelming right now.  I am so tired and when I'm awake I'm still groggy and stupid from the valium.  I'm taking such a tiny amount, just 1.25 mg (I'm allowed 5 mg), but it kicks my butt.  I feel restless and too tired to do anything.   I over-exercised my ankle tonight because I'm too manic to know when to stop.  On the other hand I can do one legged squats on a wobble board.  Not big squats but this is still impressive control. 

My Noah cat is much, much better although he is currently furious with me for putting flea medication on him.  He won't even cuddle with me.  Too bad, he's allergic and the only way to treat the fleas is to treat him for 6 months solid to be sure they are all dead in all stages.  And since I bought 6 months of meds and he already had another month he still has 6 months to go.  But at least his butt isn't bald anymore.

The Anna cat decided she hadn't had enough attention and got a UTI so we went back to the vet.  She seems better although she kept waking me up last night every hour.   But she's not peeing on the bathmat which is a good sign.   It was funny, her being alive and thriving is so counter to common sense that when the vet saw she gained 2 pounds she checked her for a tumor very carefully before admitting it was real weight.  I've done everything wrong according to traditional veterinary medicine and Anna's thriving.  But I've also read a lot of recent research supporting what I'm doing and one article that was kind of way out there alternative stuff that made a lot of sense that said cats can have inflammatory kidney disease with grain allergies and you take away the grain and the kidneys function again.  They may have chronic kidney disease from the damage caused by grain or they may be fine on grain-free.  This is unproven and esoteric but I truly think it is what happened with my girl.  Nobody can explain why she is alive, much less thriving and looking so healthy, just a few months from turning 20 when a year ago they were sure she only had a few months of kidney function left and when I've been feeding her exactly the opposite of the diet they'd normally recommend.  We agreed that hospice care was appropriate and with that I'd feed her what she'd eat and that led to the discovery of her current diet and that couldn't be better for her.  The vet didn't even say what she wanted to about my use of egg yolks which are controversial as well; some vets say great and mine had a display up listing the reasons not to give them.  But Anna eats them so they are fine with me.

So the feline members of the house are doing better and I'm really struggling.  I feel bad about not going on vacation.  I love the beach and I know I'd have fun with my nieces.  But there are so many reasons not to go that outweigh the reasons to go.  I'm just not well enough and that's the final answer.  Noah needs me is secondary.  And all my symptoms are also a big deal.  I just wish that it had worked out.  Yet from the beginning I've felt iffy about this as Dr. Mind has reminded me several times.  Mostly I'm unhappy about it because I hate when bipolar takes things from me.  But the beach will be there another time and I'll be better then.  Right now I do not need anything introducing more stress.  

And that's about it.  Hopefully I'll get sleepy enough to take valium soon.  What a mess that I'm not taking it until 2 AM or so.....But whatever it takes.  First thing is to get rest.  Next is to fix when I rest.  I have to feel a little more together before that matters so much.





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