Serious

Thursday night I slept 4 hours straight.  This was good.  Then I woke up, took Vicodin for my migraine from not sleeping enough and drove to my sister's.  She was getting ready for vacation while my brother-in-law was at a conference and this morning my sister had to go in to work for a while before my brother-in-law was back.  When I was going on the trip this was all worked out but there wasn't a solution when I realized I couldn't go so I went and stayed.  And so I had the kids all afternoon and evening and while I had a good time (the baby has preferred my mom over me for a long time and this was the first time I'd seen her without my mom and it was so sweet for her to snuggle in, say "nap", cuddle her 2 babies and drift off to sleep in my arms.) it was a lot of energy.  Then I was up until 2 something, heard the baby cry a couple times and was up for real at 4:45.  I had the kids until about 10 and then drove them to my sister's work and then home.  I slept 3 hours when I got here.  I was so cold when I got here that nothing warmed me up, not a ton of blankets or fleece pajamas or wool socks.  I woke up hot and sweaty and then have proceeded to be very, very cold all evening.  I finally looked it up and when you are really sleep deprived your body gets cold to make you fall asleep.  Not working.......I also just feel sick.

So I've made some decisions.  Pretty soon I'm taking more valium than I have been taking.  I may sleep way too long and pay for it tomorrow night but I have to have more than 4 hours of sleep.  I also am going to beg to see Dr Brain this week if at all possible.  I know this means I probably will have to go on another, older anti-psychotic this week and that sucks but I have to sleep and for whatever reason valium is more making me lay around and drool.  Klonopin helps me sleep a little better although not for long times but I am hesitant to use my PRN dose at bedtime without approval because it means I'm taking a lot pretty close together.

I can't even begin to describe how tired I am.  Nor does anyone really want to hear it.  And to make it even harder to sleep I got home tonight get my national board certification retired certificate which just sucked and a packet from Medicaid that was dated 3/10 that should have been returned by 3/20 that was for renewing my status and I didn't get it until 3/28.  Which makes it a bit hard to get it in by the 20th. 

Anyway, this is past the point of playing around.  I am so glad I'm not on the trip, all the while wanting desperately to be on the trip.  But I'm better to be here where I am not sharing my misery with anyone trapped in one house with a lot of other people besides me. 

I hate when my body forgets about sleep and that this is a required part of life.  It seems so simple......need sleep so sleep.  Why on earth would a body give up on something it needs?  It's bad enough to have a crappy mood so my body enhances that with not sleeping.  But tonight, no matter what drugs it takes, I'm sleeping.  I hope.  Just waiting to get to the point I'm sure I'll fall asleep because nothing is worse than drugging yourself heavily and then not sleeping.


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