Getting worse

I'm on more valium now and getting less sleep.  I'm more manic than I've been in years.  I'm mixed as usual really but the mania is so bad that it's all I know most of the time.  Last night I pretty much didn't sleep.  I dozed through the morning (interspersed with awake times) and then slept 2.5 or 3 hours this afternoon.  I woke up wired and am still wired at 2:30, an hour after the valium.  I actually probably wasted my chance in a way because I was too agitated and got up and cleaned a bit.  It's almost like the valium is adding to the agitation although I don't think it really is.

I'm trying to get hold of Dr Brain to see if I can try Latuda again.  I tried it a few years ago and felt it helped for a bit and then didn't.  But I was SO SICK then, just off a lithium toxicity where the hospital messed up all my meds, I was starting to come to terms with not being able to work anymore, I'd tried to go back and failed, I was suicidal, and Dr. Brain was off work and not there to bolster doses or whatever might have helped.  Latuda is a really good drug for a lot of people and certainly the safest add-on left to me.

But first I have to get to Dr. Brain. I sent an email with a fairly desperate subject line and she didn't answer.  Maybe she's off work, maybe she didn't get that far in her emails, who knows.  So now I have to call her secretary and have her tell her that I'm in bad shape.

The only way I can do Latuda is patient assistance and I'll have to have an exemption b/c I have Med D.  Usually that's not a problem as long as I send a letter explaining the cost of the drug versus my income.  But it does mean that if we agree on this it will still be a week or so before I have any.  I can't imagine another week of this but I guess that's a bridge to be crossed later.  Maybe I can buy a week's worth or something.

Overall this is just bad.  Even my mother commented that she's afraid I'll wind up in the hospital.  So am I.  Everything is upside down and horrible.  I should be seeing Dr. Mind again this week, I know I should because I honestly can't tell if my thoughts are THAT fast or if I'm hearing some voices mixed in.  I think it is voices mixed in because rapid thoughts aren't usually mean to me.  Voices are.  I forgot to call to try for tomorrow. Thursday I'm going to see my brother and that's more important.  I feel urgent about that so I'm going with that feeling.  And they are closed Friday.  So Monday it will be.  

I am perseverating on avoiding the hospital.  It's a hard place to be when manic and I don't want to add the cost onto my medical bills from my surgery, a big chunk of which is still going through the system.  Medicare is being obnoxious.  They've paid for anesthesia and PT but not the surgery that came between the two.  They've paid for casts but not the surgery that required them.  It's bizarre.

I just want to go to sleep and wake up feeling good.  Somehow I think that's unlikely.