First, I should have been more specific about my inability to cry here. It's not my mom. It's me. I apparently need 30 miles between us to just cry. I can't say that I'd cry at all when she might come over or call me but she goes to bed at 8 or 9 and I can easily cry then. And even when it's earlier I keep my door locked because we have a lot of drug related crimes and it is safer so she isn't going to get in without my letting her in. She respects my privacy, I just can't seem to settle completely into "this is home" mode. I think I'm afraid of that in my own way; I think that if I get too comfortable here something will happen to my mom and I'll have to move on. That's the danger of living with an aging relative; hopefully she'll be healthy for another 30 years but she's not young anymore. After our community just lost a young person who was so special it's hard to not think about that. I also tend to shut down when I'm in a bad place because I get afraid if I cry I won't stop or that I'll wind up in trouble. Dr. Mind can help fix this.
Toes....I just broke a toe on the foot that is recovering from surgery. I broke one pretty close to where the tendons I had repaired attach so I have to watch this one. It was so stupid, I tripped over an ironing board I should have taken down 2 days ago and snap. I'll tape it tomorrow; just before I did it I had put a ton of Burt's Bees foot crème on it and it is very greasy right now.
Medicaid is about to become the recipient of my mixed episode. I think I mentioned that an address change wasn't done so all my paperwork wasn't received in time to meet the deadline for updating. I sent everything in but too late so I started re-applying. Last night I went to finish the application and it was gone. Today I called my caseworker but you never actually reach them so I left a message. In the mail I had a list of documents received like they are using those for the re-application and I may have wasted the hours I've put into getting together esoteric information like every savings account I have that has $.41 in it, the payoff amount from my house sale, my back-pay from SSDI 3 years ago, etc. So I'm pretty annoyed. I really hope the caseworker calls back or my annoyance is going to grow a lot. At least this one doesn't say on her message to not call her back under any circumstances; that was the friendly greeting from my prior caseworker. But if I'd done that work and it is lost and I have to redo for a 3rd time I'm going to loose it. That's hard to do once, much less 3 times.
Today was a little bizarre here. We had several enormous storm systems and got 4 inches of rain in 24 hours, 1.25 inches of that within one hour. Flash flooding was an issue (we are on a big hill so are fine but it can be a huge issue around here) and we still have more storms coming tonight.
I'm tired. I hope that means sleep. It would be really good if it did because I've had a patch on and changed it tonight. I need the patch and I need sleep. The combination of both would be marvelous.
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1 comment:
I have on occasion lowered my anti-depressent dose to allow myself to cry. Is it possible that some of the inhibition may be med related? Just a thought. I know what a release it is to cry, and how healing it can be. I hope that you can find the space - literally and figuratively - for that release.
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