Changes

I have had a lot of time to think lately.  I'm still not sleeping very well although I am responding to my meds and doing better slowly.  Right now the big issues are that I always get manic in June so I need to get stable and hopefully avoid that and I'm still not tolerating my antidepressant except at a very low dose so I am at risk of crashing hard although everyone is watching to hopefully catch that if it starts.  I hate the side effects of the very high dose Seroquel (it makes it so that I have a great deal of difficult urinating and that is quite painful unless I wait until my bladder is so full there is no choice which is also not comfortable, plus I just don't feel good on it.)  But it is helping and my mind is slowing down enough to think.  I'll catch up on emails soon, I promise.  I saw Dr. Brain and once samples have been obtained (it's a process due to Cleveland Clinic policies) I'll be trying Latuda again.  I am hoping that it can take some of the need for Seroquel away and that I might get down to a dose that gives us options if I get sick:  raise Latuda or raise Seroquel.  Raising Seroquel is simply not an option I can tolerate any more of.  So hopefully adding a little more medication will help me function better without a lot of bad side effects.  I tried it once before without side effects but I was such a mess at that time I didn't give it a fair trial. 

I've also made a decision.  I have been blogging for 9 years and 5 months exactly as of today.  I think at this time I have said everything that I am going to have to say that is new and different.  I've loved blogging, it is great to share a story and press a button and know that people everywhere might be reading it and that maybe I've helped someone.  But that's 25% of my life.  There will always be ups and downs and episodes but they aren't going to change much.  Therefore if this blog isn't boring already and I think it is, it is certain to become so.  There will be family issues but honestly I'm not comfortable posting them online, especially with the nature of what is coming up in my life.  And so I am going to end this blog.  It will be sometime within the next 2-4 weeks and my plan is to take down all but a few posts.  Those will be left for anyone who stumbles into it to see and I will keep writing but not actually posting anything new.

I've appreciated all the support I've gotten over the years and it has meant so much that you have come and shared my mixed up, difficult stories, whether for a month or for years.  I hope that you will consider emailing me from time to time.  I don't check that email account all the time but would love to see more than junk mail when I do.  I haven't gotten to know many of you over the years and would feel privileged to have that chance.  At the same time I totally respect your privacy as I hope I always have.

I will miss this.  But it's just time to move on.  I've posted less and less in the last year with the only change being when I have felt bad and that's no fun to read.    I suppose there is always a chance I'll come back.  But I think my time is about up here.

More information to come as I figure out exactly what I'm doing, what I'm leaving up and how obnoxious it will be to get to the point that I am down to only those posts.