Awoke

I really crashed my mood tonight.  I watched "Awakenings" which I had seen 20 years ago and remembered as a happy movie.  It turns out that it has a sad ending where the people who were helped with L-Dopa to come out of a near catatonic state after suffering from encephalopathy for 25 years did not stay out of that state.  And I cried.  A lot.

I wish I'd remembered how that ended.  Because it was way too close to home.  Just over 5 years ago I started Emsam.  And after that I had a long period of  psychological improvement.  It was not like I was all better but for a couple years my meds were pretty stable and worked pretty well.  I actually had a routine to my days that included a time I always went to bed and a time I always woke up.  I've never had that before or since.  I had those last few years I could work and except for 9 stressful nursing home months work was good those months, and some of the nursing home months were good too.   I had lost weight and kept it off/lost more because I wasn't on so much Seroquel or other weight gain drug.

And then it all turned around.  The wrong way.  Dr. Mind told me not long ago that he knew for almost a year that I was going to have to stop working soon and that he was dreading having to tell me that I needed to look at whether I could really keep doing that.  He was very open that he is extremely thankful that news did not come from him.  I don't blame him; that would be about the only thing that I can think of that would make me walk out on him.

But the truth is that back then I said so many times that I had gotten my miracle with Emsam and a higher dose of Seroquel XR.  And I did and I am so thankful for that time.  It's just that I'm very sad that it didn't last and that now I am on more Seroquel than I would have been allowed to consider back then (the limits start to blur when there isn't anything else to take but drugs that have much more nasty side effects and you are at elevated risk for those side effects) along with several other mood stabilizers and while I am truly doing well right now "well" is defined so differently than it once was.  Now well means that I'm not cycling but I also don't do almost anything stressful.  It used to be that I was handling a relatively normal life without great strain.  Now relatively normal life is not even close to the goal.

I don't know.  It's been a rough 24 hours.  Old cat got really, really sick last night and I was up all night with her.  I thought it was the end.  She had stomach cramps so badly that I could see them and she not only threw up she had diarrhea everywhere.  I am in the process of steam cleaning all the floors while disinfecting several blankets and her bedding.  She seems to feel better now but it was really bad.  That was after Dr. Mind got very sick during our session and tried to continue treating with his hands covering his face because he was so dizzy and nauseous.  Needless to say I decided quickly that we were done.  So I am worried for him as well.  Then I talked to my mom about how I am feeling about my brother.  It only kind of helped; I later discovered I am feeling a lot more than I thought when she brought over some cookies because she made them to take to him tomorrow.  And I am so annoyed because every week she does that, tries to make his life happier and  he does not deserve it.

I have a lot of bad feelings to work through.

And I should check the dryer to see how my comforter is doing.

Angry

I saw my brother yesterday and realized that my emotions have taken another crazy spin.  This time it has gone to very angry.  I don't think I'm as angry about what he did (although there is that, I just think mostly I have dealt with that) but it is that he isn't acting like an adult now.  Instead of saying "I created a really crappy situation but I will take every step I can to get out of that situation" he seems to insisting on doing things in a way that is honestly taking advantage of our mother, along with adding a great deal of guilt to what she is already dealing with, and ultimately he's going to leave a lot of crap for others to clean up.

He is nearly out of money.  At my mother's request I sent him information on getting food stamps.  Using the estimator program I found that he would get quite a bit, enough to comfortably eat without spending anything on food.  He hasn't bothered to fill out the online application.  He also hasn't taken any steps to getting a job.  And he could get one.  He hasn't been convicted of anything and while his mug shot was on the news and can be found if his name is searched his name is common and if he simply changed his haircut a little nobody would recognize him from that picture.  He could have been bringing in a steady income for months and has chosen to try to run his own little business which has not provided even close to enough money.

I know taking those steps are hard.  I know he lives in fear of being recognized, even though it is completely illogical this many months after he was in the news for a day or day and a half.  But I also know that you do what you have to do.

When I suddenly lost disability from work and had no income at all I immediately got food stamps and worked out financial arrangements with my mom.  I immediately cut all costs that could possibly be cut.  I gave up everything I could and I have kept those things gone.  That included my house, as much as I hated that. I know that I don't have enough income to afford things I need so I do Swagbucks.  And while I am thrilled to have that as an option and I have earned well of a thousand dollars in 2.5 years I earn things by pennies at time and I spend several hours per day every day working on it. So yes, I have a way to buy Christmas presents and that is wonderful but I work incredibly hard for that extra money.  And if I didn't do Swagbucks I would have no money ever to buy gifts, music or books or any number of things that are "wants" and not "desperately needed".  Right now because my cat is so sick she goes through a horrifying amount of food plus $35 of medication per month.  I was really upset about not adhering to my budget until I realized that I've added medical bills and tripled or more my cat food costs.  And that means that when the bras I bought a few months ago were faulty and I had to replace them with a different kind Swagbucks and cashing in the pocket change I dutifully save is how I can afford them.  It's how I'll pay for the new sneakers I need when I start walking next week(!!!!). And it's how I'll pay my savings back eventually for the iphone 4 I bought from my brother-in-law this weekend.  It won't last forever but my other phone was dying and this gives me the benefit of not needing to buy a new ipod as my ipod is full; now I can put new stuff on the phone.  I am PROUD that I force myself to earn that money, every single day. 

 I accepted help but I built on what the help gave me (and I paid back every penny I borrowed).  Yes, my mom provides a home for me and hasn't charged me for this first year and the cost will be tiny after this year but I have been responsible and the reason she didn't charge me this year was so I could pay off credit cards and I have worked very hard at that and am almost done.   I also help her out for no fee as often as she needs it.  I have not dug a deeper money hole with this money/time to pay it back; I do have medical bills for a year or so but that was unavoidable and isn't THAT much.

And if I could do more I would.  If for some reason cutting the long hair that I love meant I could get a job that hair would be gone. I do not understand not doing everything in your power to take care of things yourself and to capitalize on assistance instead of just taking advantage and going back to the same way of doing things.

I am furious about this.  I'm sure that I'm not really furious about this specifically and that it is also about the entire situation but it just is the last straw as far as my patience goes.  Being angry about the entire situation just seems like a given.  I'd be worried if I weren't angry about it.

I'm also angry because I feel like God is asking so much of me with this.  I don't want to deal with my brother and God made it very clear that I am supposed to.  So I try and being nice to him when I want to scream at him is hard.  And there isn't much point to telling him what I feel because he doesn't get it.  Or he gets part of it but thinks that he has accepted enough responsibility for his actions that he is free of the rest.  Or something.  I don't understand his logic and I never will.  If I did I would understand how he did what he did and that's so far beyond me that I can't even try.

Also, I am cold.  I left a window cracked open today and it got cooler inside than I thought it would.  Autumn came exactly on time today.

And I need to earn more Swagbucks before I get sleepy.  If I don't do them before I'm tired my mind won't stop until I've earned them all and I don't need to not sleep.

Dr Mind said I should write about this.  Then he got really, really sick before the session was over and so we ended without saying much more than that.  So I'm worried about him as well.  I'm feeling pretty emotional overall with both things.

Messed up

My sleep hasn't been good for months.  I can't use my weighted blanket until my ankle is much, much stronger which is bad and I am too afraid to use the valium that does help me sleep unless I reach absolute desperation.  Messing up my meds was kind of the final straw; I'm just not getting relaxed at night.  Dr. Brain wanted me to give it one more night (tonight) and then she'll make suggestions but I'm so afraid of being medicated and falling on my crutches that I don't know if I'll do anything suggested.  So I'm tired.  And tomorrow is a huge day.  I have Dr. Mind, some errands to kill time and PT in the early evening.  I tried to schedule so that I could see my nieces Friday, completely forgetting that I can't handle them alone yet, my mom can't go on Friday and we're going on Saturday for Anne's dance performance anyway.  PT wears me out.  It's funny, it's not physically hard but it is socially a lot and it is a big room with a LOT of stimulation.  So I generally fall asleep after PT which I'll have to avoid tomorrow or I'll never sleep at night. 

It's been a weird few days.  Not only the med error which has left me emotional and just feeling weird, but everything.  I have been trying to knit my mom a hat for football games for her birthday.  This should be easy, I've only knitted thousands of hats but I've had so much trouble.  I finished one today that actually did get finished without falling apart but I don't think it is going to fit.  It's also going to be hot.  So I have a few more days to try one more time.  My hands are sore because I made this one too thick (my yarn was too chunky) and I'm so tired of trying to get this to work that I don't want to try one last time.  But I will.

Today we took the puppy to the dog park like almost every day.  There was a puppy there and instead of going to play with it like he always does he got kind of aggressive with it.  I was closest so I had to jump as fast as I could (not fast) over and pull him off.  I felt so bad for the other family. And really upset about our dog.  And also really afraid of dog fights.  When I was a kid I got in the middle somehow of a dog fight between 2 big dogs (one was a St. Bernard).  I was knocked down and the other kids present divided between trying to help and getting an adult (I was the oldest and I think I was 9) but I wound up with a black eye and scratched up face and body.  I was SO fortunate to have not been mauled or had worse facial injuries but it was traumatic.  Between that and being chased by a German shepherd (?) when I was 6 and walking to my grandparents' house after school I get nervous around large dogs I don't know.  I also was bit by a large dog that had gotten loose at a home health patient's home in 2010.  That time I was lucky because the dog bit into a strip of leather on my sneaker that protected my skin.

Otherwise, I am hoping to be back to where I was when I fell in therapy.  I am walking better than I was then with my boot on and even walked up and down the driveway today which is .25 mile.  I discovered yesterday that my arch is pretty much gone on the post-op foot and that foot is 3/4" longer than my other foot now.  Hopefully that will improve as scar tissue releases.  I think that happened the other night.  I was doing a newer exercise that is to help stretch the tightest band of scarring and suddenly had burning nerve pain and the skin turned red.  I couldn't get ice without putting on and taking off the boot so I rubbed it which felt good and everything stopped within a minute but it was a really weird feeling.  I know sometimes nerves get trapped in scar tissue while healing from this and I think that's what happened and I think the nerve is free again.  Extremely odd sensation though.

The med error has increased my anxiety.  I thought I was going to know about Dr. Mind's plans last week but he didn't say anything.  So I'm worried about that.  And we decided last week that I will not know a great deal about my brother's charges, what happens in court, etc.  I agree that this is better for me but I have questions and concerns to go over.  And the not knowing thing makes me so concerned I could find out accidentally.  Once you know you can't unknow.  It's hard.

And that's about it.  Still working on getting sleepy.  Sigh.

One year/3 months

Today is 3 months from my ankle surgery.  I am now walking fairly confidently with my boot on.  Today I walked to my mom's with my backpack on with my computer in it and even that didn't throw me off too much.  Today is my first day wearing jeans with it and I have to say that it is a lot more comfortable that way.  It's a really big boot that goes clear into the bend of my knee and this helps it not feel like my knee is "stuffed".  I have a long, long way to go and a lot of exhaustion to overcome from yesterday's drug mess but it's certainly better than 3 months ago--or even 4 months ago.  It's amazing that I've been really restricted by this leg for 6 whole months now but I have. Only 3 or so to go, I hope.

Today is also one year from Geraldine's surgery.  You would never guess anything was ever wrong with her, much less that she had a large tumor taking up a good bit of her abdomen.  She certainly isn't the sick little girl that she was a year ago.  She is no longer pale and she has more than enough energy instead of being much more sleepy than most newborns.  She's quite possibly the happiest child I've ever known. 

It's weird but I honestly don't remember the day of her surgery.  We were so busy trying to keep Anne distracted and unaware of the stress and while I remember text messages that the surgery was delayed and how well Geraldine did even though she had to be starving and then I remember that the procedure was faster than anticipated that's all I remember.  I remember talking to my sister that night as her heart was breaking because she wasn't allowed to feed the baby and that is just what mommy's do. 

But 3 days later Geraldine was better than she had ever been in her little life and she went home the first day it was possible and never looked back.  She hates her follow-up visits with a passion but we all hate that she has to endure them.  Now that it has been a year they may begin to space out a little.  I don't know when that happens.

I am just so grateful for all the things that went right that day and in the days leading up to surgery.

Words are insufficient.

Stupid, huge mistake

I had my pillboxes together for some reason this morning and took the PM meds in the morning.Since Seroqul is delayed release I've had 2800 mg in working its way out of my system (800 is the usual top daily dose; I take 1400 usually).  I called the clinic and after swearing that this wasn't the most pathetic suicide attempt ever I was told to sleep it ff.  I have been up a couple hours now but am still really groggy.  The last time I made a similar mistake I was groggy for several days.  Hopefully that isn't the case again but at least it is the weekend so I'm only missing one PT session and one day of home exercises.

So, so stupid and exactly what the morning box is totally different than the PM box and in 2 different places.

Oh and I can't take meds tonight except my PRN klonopin (and I suppose I can take some valium if I have to) so I have to hope this lasts until tomorrow r I will be up all night.  I'm going to have to sleep in my boot instead of the splint just in case I get up when all these meds are tsill wrking their way out of my body.  So much fun.

Sorry for erros.   Tried to correct but too groggy.

Mixed feelings

My thoughts about what is going on with my brother are so confused.  Lately I have spent most of every Dr. Mind session crying about this.  I am finding it so hard to know that there is going to be a day that I have to pretty much say good-bye because it will be the last time I see him free for a long time and I still don't know if I will be able to handle visiting in jail.  (If you have no idea what I'm talking about, well, that's awkward because I'm not going to tell you.  I also removed all mention of specifics from the archives.  But pretty much my brother is awaiting grand jury indictment for a pretty ugly thing (he didn't kill anyone which is good) and is likely to be going to prison for a number of years.  He was arrested in April and then the charges were dropped to be filed in a different level of court, which is confusing and seemingly very inefficient but the system apparently works that way.  It has been an extremely painful experience that has ripped huge holes in my already divided family and has been a very difficult process for me as I really didn't want to ever have anything to do with him again and God wouldn't let me rest with that so we do have contact and it is very hard every time but it is the right thing to do. 

At the beginning there was shock and anger and hurt and those things got me through the first 6 weeks.  Well, those and valium.  But now those things are gone and the next part is just going to be deeply sad unless it goes to trial (the hope is a plea bargain) which would be devastating in all kinds of new ways.  So I'm trying to learn to be prepared and to have a realistic picture of this; with time it has become easy to make it less than it really was because it is easier to handle that way.

But now there is a new twist.  For whatever reason, probably prison over-crowding, apparently lately people charged with the same crime my brother will be charged with have been getting probation.  And while I do not want him to go to prison I am very confused about this because the rational part of me knows that if this weren't my brother I would want him to go to prison for a substantial time period.  I do not think he should get off easy.  It kills me to say that because on many levels I want to pretend this never happened, but the reality is that it did and it happened to be something that I have extremely strong feelings about because of my own life.  When he was first arrested and family members were being told the typical reaction was that people were worried about me because everyone who knows my past knew how close to home this hit.  That's how difficult it has been because I am so divided in my thoughts.

In the last week I have realized that I am both absolutely terrified of my own reaction to this when it happens.  I don't know that I can be strong enough.  I know that I have people ready to support me through it but it kind of is a lonely journey I will have to go on.  So talking to Drs. Mind and Brain about that fear is high on my priorities.  But I also will have a strong reaction if he did what he is accused of doing and gets off without real punishment.  I feel pulled in 2 directions by this and it is really hard for me to handle.

I also keep being confused by wishing it were just over and wishing that this limbo period just could continue and I'd never have to face what is coming.  I already have learned more about it than I ever wanted to know as I try to understand.  It's just too huge.

And did I mention that this is likely to come up in the holiday season?  Yippee......

Credit where credit is due

I often express frustration with my mother on this blog.  It's hard because she has saved me in the last few years and has put up with so much and helped so much but she doesn't understand so much and so I get frustrated.  But today she said something that I never thought I would hear her say and I wanted to note that because it was a big thing for her to admit rather than say that I've complained or worried too much or whatever.  So my mom officially has said that I have handled this surgery and all that has gone with it better than anyone else she can think of. 

After growing up in a family where you didn't complain (hence the broken ankle that started all of this) that is a really big thing to hear.  I've tried so hard this summer to keep positive and to not get overwhelmed by how long I am in the very limited stage.  I have not always succeeded but I've tried.

And now I am going to try again to get some sleep.  I thought I was getting sleepy and turned out the light and Ancient Cat immediately needed fed.  So that had me up so I also used the bathroom to be efficient (I'm in a splint and non-weightbearing at night so consolidation is important) and grabbed my therabands so that I can do a round of exercise if I can't sleep.   And now I don't know if I'll get back to sleep or not.  Sure hope so.

And instead of closing this and sleeping I'm yelling at Just Elderly cat who is picking on Ancient Cat.   Adrenaline was just what I needed......I don't know why he is doing that.  He is the sweetest cat on earth and suddenly he's been picking on her.  It has to do with dominance I'm sure but it really makes me mad because she is so frail and harmless these days.  All she does is lay in her bed sleeping and he's batting at her and hissing.  It's like he wants her bed even though his is right beside it.  Whatever.  He's nice 99% of the time but that 1% needs to stop.

Oh so very itchy from my pain pill......my leg got really sore from going up and down to the basement during the flood so I took one and now I itch everywhere and keep checking to be sure I am not having an allergic reaction to my antibiotic.  There's only one I'm allergic to and this isn't related but having so many drug allergies and not having antibiotic allergies is pretty unusual so we are always cautious.

Ok day. Bad night.

It's 3:53 AM. I need to be up by 8. I fell asleep about 3:00 AM I think and now I am pretty wide awake.  I woke up because Ancient Cat needed food (I think?  I'm no longer sure that she woke me) and when I started tossing and turning because of the stress and my ankle hurting and trying to get the splint into an acceptable position.

And this is why:  (taken from an email I wrote Michal because I can't tell this story again without crying)

I just spent a couple hours watching TV and earning Swagbucks.  I started getting ready for bed and hit start on the dishwasher.  Right after I did that I heard a funny noise in the basement.  I wobbled down to check and the basement room (under the house is a garage, a little closet I call the pantry and a utility room I call the basement) was 2 inches deep in water and I could hear water POURING out from somewhere.  I can't walk in water with my boot so I called my mom and woke her up.  She came over and found that a pipe had come out of it's fitting and the water was pouring out from the water main.  We called the plumber at 11:15pm (this being the plumber we had so much trouble with when building) and he sent someone to turn it off.  The kid was able to fix it and implied it was an error.  He said he was afraid it would be something he had done but he hadn't done that part of the plumbing.  He has it working ok and tomorrow they are going to anchor it more.

In the meantime this is a very expensive situation.  The gallons of wasted water will cost a fortune.  The wallboard in the entire area is ruined as the water came through it.  We don't know what possessions were ruined.  My grandma's sewing table is sitting in water.  My mom doesn't know if her homeowner's will cover this although I'm pretty sure they will.  But it still means increased rates and the like. But at least the insurance being involved will have someone with motivation and resources investigating if the plumber was at fault.  Because ideally he needs to pay for the damage and lost property.

I am so upset I feel sick.  I had planned to email you after I had a shower and this wasn't the planned email.  Duh, I also feel sick because I took an antibiotic just before discovering this and I didn't have a chance to eat something.  I have cellulitis under one of my breasts, probably started by underwires and crutches interacting and I just started fairly high dose antibiotics today.  I should go eat and I really don't want anything.

This has been a rough 2 days.  My mom had a colonoscopy yesterday and had a very rough time with the prep making her very sick (not just the way it should) and then the anesthetic was even worse and so she hasn't felt very good.  She had to take her friend to Cleveland Clinic for follow-up today and so she was extra tired and she was supposed to get up early to go see the girls tomorrow.  Now she is going to have to stay here and deal with this mess.

I am now officially completely overwhelmed.  I keep wondering if I ignored that sound while I was watching TV.  I had moved into my bedroom about 30 minutes before I found this and I couldn't really hear it from here.  But in the living room if I had the TV off (and I did sometimes for a few minutes) I should have heard it.  It may have only been happening a few minutes but it's hard to know.

I just can't believe this happened.  I thought that new construction had a 1 year warranty on it but apparently my mom did not have a contract that specified such things.  So I don't know.

I need to get that food in my stomach or I'll get sick from the Keflex.  And since getting rid of the cellulitis is a major priority I need that to stay in.

So that's just not good.  This is the kind of thing that makes me hate being the "poor relation".  Granted my mom is technically my landlord and therefore responsible for such things but we agreed I wouldn't start paying her until my credit card debt was gone and that's just a few months away.  (Side note which I am very proud of:  Once upon a time my credit was 523 which VERY BAD.  Dr. Mind helped a lot by constantly reminding me about paying bills and I got better.  Then I started doing things to improve my credit score on purpose in 2009 and the last few years I've decreased my debt massively by selling the house, paying down credit cards to almost nothing (nothing by Christmas hopefully), paying off private student loans and getting the federal ones discharged due to disability and I no longer make late payments, ever.  So now my credit score is right on the edge of Excellent.  I got a look at it the other day and in the next few months the last of my late payments will disappear as the reach the  7 year mark and I will have no major negatives plus the only debt I'll have by then should be my car.  Some medical stuff may wind up on a card but I'm trying hard to avoid that.  I don't know why this matters so much to me but it does.  Poor to Excellent in just 8 years.)

And now I feel sleepy but also too anxious to sleep.  I wish I could easily go make a cup of tea but to do that means crutching my way to the closet for a sock, putting on the boot and fastening 6 or 7 straps and then taking it back off when I come back to bed because I can't really sleep in it.  (Helpful hint if you ever find yourself in a boot:  If you want to sit or lay in bed with it on putting a pillowcase over it keeps your bedding clean.  You just have to be sure to remove it no matter how badly you want to get to the phone which you left in the other room.)

I wish that nobody was coming to the house to work on plumbing and that I didn't have PT today.  I'd just take some valium and sleep.  Oh well, guess I can sleep after therapy. 

ankle

So starting to walk without crutches in my house and reducing my crutch use outside the house and starting PT made this week exciting.  Except that it has raised issues that are very stressful.

I'm really fine in my house without crutches.  I even accidentally went downstairs without them once and was fine (and it was so nice to carry things upstairs using my whole hand).  I was doing so well that I tried just one crutch when I went to see Dr. Mind and get an oil change.  I forgot that Dr. Mind's office has only one rail on the stairs so the one crutch was a mistake.  I was pretty sore that day and swelled up more.  But it was nothing unusual.

Tuesday I started PT.  I'm a little anxious about PT because the place I go has people certified in orthopedics.  I requested one of them when I made my appt. and the receptionist did not seem to know what I was talking about.  And I did not get a certified therapist.  I have the same therapist I had before.  I like him and thought he did a very good job with a very bizarre situation before (ie there was no way I should have been doing PT and no benefit to it but I had to do it because of the doctor I saw before my surgeon.  My surgeon totally ignored her and said of course I needed surgery but she tried to make my medical record indicate I was WANTING unnecessary surgery.).  So I'm ok with trying him.  I am just a little wary because he has not been a therapist very long and I don't know how much experience he has with the combination of surgeries that I had.  They aren't extremely common, especially done together and my surgeon uses a different healing pattern than most other doctors.  So we'll see how it goes and I'll ask to change if I feel like he isn't ready to handle this.

He did the evaluation and started me on a home exercise program.  I actually have already gained ROM and increased all but 2 movements to the 2nd level of theraband.  My swelling is improving somewhat as well with the movement.  But it wouldn't be me if there wasn't stress.  I came home and when I was coming up from the garage (with both crutches) my ankle felt like it needed to pop.  You know that feeling that things aren't lined up correctly and they need to re-align?  That's what it felt like.  With the boot it can't do it but whenever the boot is off for exercises I am getting that sensation and a very, very loud POP a few times during each session.  From what I can see while focusing on the exercise and trying to control movements either my flexor retinuculam  or my posterior tibialis is coming out of alignment.  Or it is the medial ligament inside and I'm not seeing anything external.  I am hoping this is scar tissue or inflammation.  I know that my last xrays showed medial swelling in the joint spaces.  But I'm scared because POPPING in the past was very, very bad and I have learned to not trust my ankle so even knowing that it is probably one of those things it sounds awful and doesn't feel great.  It's not exactly painful but it's not exactly painfree.  I am very anxious to go back to PT Friday and hopefully we can get it to do it while he is working on it.  It constantly feels like it needs a good passive stretch which I know better than to do (but which I did for years to get the tendons on the other side back in their groove so it feels natural to do it) and I'm hoping it will pop for him when he is doing that.  While I'm anxious and wishing that I'd had an MRI that I chose to not do pre-op to save money so that I would know if I had a problem on the medial side (there was popping there after a fall down the stairs in the spring) that wouldn't have been seen with the scope.  I'm terrified something else is wrong and that I'll need more surgery.  There is some ground for concern if it is the posterior tibialis as that was affected by my severe sprain but recovered which is unusual for that tendon apparently.  But I've had enough surgery to last a while.  I know at worst I have another procedure and it is fixed but I just can't see another 4-6 months of healing and medical bills.  So I'm scared.  It will be fine but it's hard to not be afraid after so much was wrong for so long and while my ankle is still so fragile.

I'm actually going to be remarkably busy for me for a while.  I'm not sure how that will go.  Next week Dr Mind is on vacation.  I may have to go see Dr. Body for a rash that isn't healing with the stuff he prescribed though.  I have a dental appointment Tuesday and PT 3 days, including nearly immediately after my filling Tuesday.  Then I see Dr. Brain on Saturday, my last Saturday appointment with her.

I need to talk to her and Dr. Mind both about my great fear.  I keep dancing around it with Dr. Mind and that's not enough.  I am very afraid of what will happen when my brother is arrested and goes to prison.  Initially there was shock and intense anger.  That is gone now and I just feel deeply sad.  OK and angry and many other things that mostly only come out when I try to talk to Dr. Mind.  I am crying every week with him and it is always about the same thing.  But this time those emotions aren't going to get me through.  This time it is going to be about the sad and the loss and the horror and quite likely the embarrassment of people knowing and gossiping.  People know but it will be worse when details come out.  I won't have those protective emotions this time and I know already my mom is going to lose it.  And I'm afraid that I won't be able to handle it.  I am afraid that this is the kind of thing that could trigger a hospitalization because one of the worst parts for me is that I can imagine all too well the victims.  And when the details that I know already are very, very bad come out I am afraid that I will be blasted into PTSD hell.  It happened before and honestly then it mostly helped that the extended family's reaction was nearly always to first ask if I was ok because it was so clearly a bad thing for me to experience.  Dr. Mind will nearly definitely be here so that is an enormous blessing because trying to handle that with someone who doesn't know my past would be terrible.  But handling this will be asking so much of me.  The night/morning that the awful phone call came my mom mouthed to me that my brother was in jail.  I knew immediately why.  I don't know how or why I knew but I did and when she wrote down the details for me I threw the notebook clear across the room which is a great room living room/kitchen so a long toss.  Fury was my first response.  Now that's gone.  Well, it's not, but as I keep telling Dr. Mind it was a lot easier the weeks I thought of him as a monster and a lot harder since I know he is still a person, just one who did some terrible things and will pay for them.

So anyway, hopefully I am brave enough to talk to Dr. Brain about this and then Dr. Mind when he is back.  I think he knows what I'm not saying but I'm not sure he does and he needs to know before it happens.  Based on averages that will be around November probably although it could vary hugely for all kinds of reasons.  I know how things work for my family though and it is very likely to be just before Thanksgiving.  Holiday wrecking is a tradition in our family.

So ankle and mood both hurt.  So does my rash.  That looked like yeast originally but now just looks nasty.  I can't see Dr. Body until Wednesday so it better control itself that long.  Ick.

And I think I've put my cat off of a feeding as long as is possible.  Poor sweet girl has been going through a not eating much but wanting lots to taste phase.  Those are so hard for me because I throw out vast amounts of uneaten expensive food.  It still beats cleaning up bloody vomit but at this point she is getting more of my budget than I am.  Which is ok since I'm mainly wanting to eat fruit and cottage cheese which is at least cheap.  And after I feed her I need to take the splint off and do ROM one more time.  I was up really early to take my mom to a colonoscopy so I am hoping that I get to sleep sort of early.  I've started using a little valium if I'm up at 3 but it still scares me to death because I'm nonweightbearing at night with my splint on and am wobbly on crutches, yet there is no way I'm going to try to sleep with a 3 lb boot on.

Things are kind of hard here.

Free at last

I am cast free.  I have a huge boot that is on for 6 weeks during the day and a much lighter weight splint at night that I absolutley am not allowed to put even a touch of weight on.  With the boot I can wean down to walking without it.  I can do that in my apartment but I need the crutches for stairs, uneven surfaces, and any long distance.  It feels very strange and off-balance but that's improving and I bet I'll be off crutches in 2 weeks or so.  I am starting PT on Tuesday.

The skin was disgusting.  Michal I kept thinking about Kyle's pedicure.  I couldn't do that because my incision isn't completely closed but I made my own variation at home.  It took an hour or more to soak off most of the nasty skin and hack off the hair on my leg.  I am not a very hairy person; I can't imagine what it would be like if I were.  This is really gross so be forewarned but the feeling I'd been having of something sticking to me, well, it wasn't steri-strips.  There was a huge ball of dead skin loose in my cast and when it got sticky from wound drainage it was sticking to my skin.  In the arch my skin had gotten so tough that it feel like something was there and it was really just layers of dead skin.  But all of that is gone, more or less, and my steri-strips are gone.  It is healing well and my doctor is pleased with the amount of swelling/bruising.  The swelling is decreasing daily now that I am moving it a little.  And I have more movement than I expected.  Not enough to be functional but enough to see it move.  And it moves without deviating from the path it should take until the muscles get tired and even then it isn't nearly as bad as it was before.

I am so excited to start PT.  I actually am really looking forward to having to stretched.  It will hurt badly but it feels like it needs to be stretched. I don't know how to explain that aside from the feeling your back needs stretched so you reach way up.  I am very leery of the day that I put weight on it without the boot but I doubt that happens immediately. 

After 6 weeks of boot and PT I go back and will start transitioning to a shoe.  I will be at 16 weeks then.  So by 6 months I should be pretty functional.  It's mostly hard right now to believe that it is able to hold and that I'm not going to immediately sprain it if I put weight on it in the boot (which I am learning to trust because it is so sturdy) or that I can EVER wear a shoe and not have it give out constantly.  But that exact thing should be my Christmas present.

Anyway time to try to sleep.  Geraldine's birthday party is tomorrow so I have to get up early and so hopefully I'll get some sleep.