Messed up

My sleep hasn't been good for months.  I can't use my weighted blanket until my ankle is much, much stronger which is bad and I am too afraid to use the valium that does help me sleep unless I reach absolute desperation.  Messing up my meds was kind of the final straw; I'm just not getting relaxed at night.  Dr. Brain wanted me to give it one more night (tonight) and then she'll make suggestions but I'm so afraid of being medicated and falling on my crutches that I don't know if I'll do anything suggested.  So I'm tired.  And tomorrow is a huge day.  I have Dr. Mind, some errands to kill time and PT in the early evening.  I tried to schedule so that I could see my nieces Friday, completely forgetting that I can't handle them alone yet, my mom can't go on Friday and we're going on Saturday for Anne's dance performance anyway.  PT wears me out.  It's funny, it's not physically hard but it is socially a lot and it is a big room with a LOT of stimulation.  So I generally fall asleep after PT which I'll have to avoid tomorrow or I'll never sleep at night. 

It's been a weird few days.  Not only the med error which has left me emotional and just feeling weird, but everything.  I have been trying to knit my mom a hat for football games for her birthday.  This should be easy, I've only knitted thousands of hats but I've had so much trouble.  I finished one today that actually did get finished without falling apart but I don't think it is going to fit.  It's also going to be hot.  So I have a few more days to try one more time.  My hands are sore because I made this one too thick (my yarn was too chunky) and I'm so tired of trying to get this to work that I don't want to try one last time.  But I will.

Today we took the puppy to the dog park like almost every day.  There was a puppy there and instead of going to play with it like he always does he got kind of aggressive with it.  I was closest so I had to jump as fast as I could (not fast) over and pull him off.  I felt so bad for the other family. And really upset about our dog.  And also really afraid of dog fights.  When I was a kid I got in the middle somehow of a dog fight between 2 big dogs (one was a St. Bernard).  I was knocked down and the other kids present divided between trying to help and getting an adult (I was the oldest and I think I was 9) but I wound up with a black eye and scratched up face and body.  I was SO fortunate to have not been mauled or had worse facial injuries but it was traumatic.  Between that and being chased by a German shepherd (?) when I was 6 and walking to my grandparents' house after school I get nervous around large dogs I don't know.  I also was bit by a large dog that had gotten loose at a home health patient's home in 2010.  That time I was lucky because the dog bit into a strip of leather on my sneaker that protected my skin.

Otherwise, I am hoping to be back to where I was when I fell in therapy.  I am walking better than I was then with my boot on and even walked up and down the driveway today which is .25 mile.  I discovered yesterday that my arch is pretty much gone on the post-op foot and that foot is 3/4" longer than my other foot now.  Hopefully that will improve as scar tissue releases.  I think that happened the other night.  I was doing a newer exercise that is to help stretch the tightest band of scarring and suddenly had burning nerve pain and the skin turned red.  I couldn't get ice without putting on and taking off the boot so I rubbed it which felt good and everything stopped within a minute but it was a really weird feeling.  I know sometimes nerves get trapped in scar tissue while healing from this and I think that's what happened and I think the nerve is free again.  Extremely odd sensation though.

The med error has increased my anxiety.  I thought I was going to know about Dr. Mind's plans last week but he didn't say anything.  So I'm worried about that.  And we decided last week that I will not know a great deal about my brother's charges, what happens in court, etc.  I agree that this is better for me but I have questions and concerns to go over.  And the not knowing thing makes me so concerned I could find out accidentally.  Once you know you can't unknow.  It's hard.

And that's about it.  Still working on getting sleepy.  Sigh.