Oh mother

Today we were watching my nieces play.  Anne tends to get a little rough with Geraldine and gets right up in her face.  Geraldine usually goes along but gets tired of it eventually and moves away.

Anne has certain behaviors and characteristics that are very reminiscent of a little me.  Nobody is about to diagnose bipolar anytime for a many years but I think that at some point it will at least be considered.  Right now she has sensory issues and I think my sister is going to start working on getting her some treatment for that.  She is an extreme sensory seeker, which is partly how she winds up getting to be too much for her sister.

When we were watching them today I commented on the sensory thing and my mom asked if I thought that this could be what messed up my relationship with my sister.  Apparently I was just like Anne and eventually my sister started not wanting to play near me much because I was too much for her.

I didn't know this.  It hurt me so much.  I do not think that it is the biggest problem my sister and I have.  The biggest problem we have is the dynamics of several abusive relationships that put enormous pressure on us and we coped differently.  But my mother now has made me feel like this is my own fault.  I know it isn't.  But that hurt.

I also think that mostly what happens there is normal.  Maybe it's a little excessive but a 4 year old and a 1 year old play very differently.  And they are siblings and they are competing for attention when they are with grandma and Aunt Jen.

Just more confusion.