Still here

We're praying that the worst is over.  I finally slept last night without all the sedation and I slept 8 hours.

The last few days have been very hard.  For one thing I went into withdrawl from Klonopin because I didn't know how dependent my body is on the high dose it is used to, and I had cut that dose when I started using valium, thinking the valium would replace it.  It did not.  So I had one day of feeling quite lousy and then I got back on it but have still had some symptoms lingering the last few days.  That did not help anything, and when Dr. Brain did not answer that as well as all the questions that might have prevented it I got pretty upset.  I was stating it as anger at her, but really I'm just angry. This is so unfair.  So very, very unfair.

It's a lot to deal with, feeling awful in a way that you know you can successfully avoid with your meds except that you can't just use those meds anymore and have it all be happy, even though for years you worked to find the meds that didn't have to be changed every month or so, but having no choice because of another illness.  Emotionally this really is hard; I thought that I had fought my fight and that I knew how to be ok.  I was wrong; I've always known one struggle doesn't mean you are done with them, but I thought the chances that I would have something that makes it hard to handle my bipolar treatment  were slim.  So not only is my mood flying everywhere because it's so out of whack, but I'm also dealing with some challenging stuff.  I'm very angry and frustrated that this has to be part of my life and that there is not one single thing we can do to make the transitions easier.  I know now of a few things that will help in emergency situations and I think the pre-emptive admission is just off the table and if I have a reaction to emergency/last resort (steroid) asthma drugs then I will go to the psych unit.  Which I hate the thought of, yet I mainly feel great relief because I realized I will feel safer there than anywhere that I am  

This feels something like when I had to go off my antidepressant last year.  It was making the right decision for my health and a very wrong decision for my well-being at the moment.  Dr. Brain assures me that I will make it through this and will be stable.  I am trying to trust that.  But it is so incredibly hard to make yourself feel like this, and it results in feeling like the desperate solution is to quit the breathing meds although I know that won't help.  So I won't, and instead I will just keep on trying med after med until we figure out what is best for me.  That truly is the best approach here and I'm aware of that but it also means that I have to hang in there with this for some time possibly.  And it's hard enough to feel bad for one reason (asthma) but when asthma and mixed episode combine it gets really ugly.  Especially when I'm reaching the point on the current med that I suspect we'll have to change to another, unknowns starting all over agin, mixed episode probably still quite present, and breathing still uncomfortable.

I think I've written before how hard it is for me that I have made gains in the last year and a half that have meant I did things for fun, I cooked regularly, I was keeping my house clean, etc.  All that is gone.  I kind of know that it will come back, but in the meantime I can't do things I want to because even with the mania the fatigue is so great that I can do little but sit.   I have done so very little that I have broken my promise to my ankle dr; one of the things that makes it ok to wait for surgery was my promise to keep it well exercised.  Since I've been exerciseless for so long I have now atrophed the ankle enough to need a new brace in a smaller size.  Which again just annoys me because it is one more thing I was doing well with and now can't.  Until the asthma is better I am fairly sure I'm not even supposed to exercise too much because every attack is just a time to hope it's controlled enough.

The good thing is that Dr. Brain didn't think I was that bad today.  So perhaps the sleep helped, perhaps the sedatives hid it, perhaps I did out of confusion about what was going on with her.  That's a big change from 2 days ago when Dr. Mind was concerned.  Perhaps my body is adjusting a bit.  We'll have to see in a few days more.  But I did get a break from the worst of the mixed episode today, although I do not feel in a good place.  We've all agreed I should be increasing my therapy sessions and yet I can't handle doing that right now.  That's the big problem with working so far from Dr. Mind; it's very hard to get to see him extra without wearing myself out.  I'm kind of hoping my sleep will level out with the valium (which I'm continuing since it works) and that I will start feeling less exhausted and more able to do things.

My new specialization in swallowing difficulties at work also contributes as I am working a lot harder on those evals and soon those treatments.  It's hard to have paperwork take longer when I need it to be faster.  But we'll get there.  Or so they say.

Anyway, I haven't really eaten all day and I'm starting to be hungry so I'm going to go work on that and then get some sleep.  Hopefully I can rest a ton tomorrow and feel more ready for Monday.  We shall see.