New Design

About 6 months ago I started putting a small amount of money from each paycheck into a little account where I can buy things for myself without guilt. Because I had wanted rainbows on my blog for a very long time that was one of the first things I decided to do.  I've written before about how rainbows tend to appear precisely when I need them to and that they've come to have even greater meaning to me than the typical Christian relevance.

And so, after it has been up for several weeks and the designer is apparently not going to fix the last thing that she had agreed to put on but never did, I now present, my new design.  Along with the thing I wanted that I didn't get, I kind of went into this with an idea of what I wanted that I didn't find out was impossible per this designer's approach  until I saw it completed for the first time.  I think that I used someone who does designs for people who know more than I did going on and I learned a hard lesson about  not entering into an agreement until the specifics are agreed upon.  I actually plan to seek out someone to do what I wanted more, if that's possible, eventually,even though doing so is a total waste of money, because every time I look at this I am disappointed.  It's just not what I wanted and I had a lot of dreaming involved.  Because this is a hard time for me I've felt ignored and not listened to and also that my project was less important than others as it took a lot longer than I was told and then didn't have what I'd hoped for.

It has the main element, I think, and that is hope.  What is missing mainly,and I may try to tack it on although I think that violates my agreement and may cause me to have to take the whole design down BUT she told me she'd do this and after ignoring 2 emails asking her to do it I give up on that, is the following quote, which should be under the top graphic (if you're in a reader you need to click in just this once): "Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." . Genesis 9:13.

This is important to me because it is hope.  Simply put, I have randomly read through various entries from over the years and while it astounds me, my story truly has become one of hope.  I've become  pretty honest with myself about how ill I was even 3 years ago, am much more so 4 years ago when Seroquel came into my life.  And before that  I  lived a life of mostly misery because  of my illness and my past.  But now I pretty much have everything I could have hoped for and more when I was diagnosed, just about exactly 9 years ago, and more than I even knew was possible for several years before that when I was so incredibly ill and not being treated properly at all. Yet now I am pretty much about as well as could possibly be hoped for, minus my explosive pelvis. It's not like things are the same as they would be without this disorder but they are far from what I thought possible.  Dr. Mind always told me this could happen.  He finally admitted that he had no basis in reality for saying that but he thought there was hope.  Dr Brain has taken the same risks.  When we got to 3 meds left none of which were likely to work she admitted that, but she also tried those meds, then tried changes until we finally found the magic mixture.  Dr. Brain, by the way, tried things for 7 years to get that magic result, and even then if I'm having a bad time, like now, she's still with me 100%.  When I had the bad panic attack she called me within an hour of my message and talked to me for 20 minutes.  She also told me to email her if I needed to talk and know someone was listening while Dr. Mind was away, which I've done just to tell someone I was panicking and didn't like it.

I have rainbows because God has given me the right people in my life, and you all are among those.  I feel more love and support on this blog than from anyone in my life who isn't paid to support me, and each of you is a rainbow to me.

now to try to screw with the design......