Finally

Without trying the new drug recommendations I finally got a good bit of sleep.  I'm still exhausted and hope to sleep as well tonight although I have my SSDI interview in the morning.  Fortunately it's a phone thing so I don't even have to get dressed if I don't want to.  I don't know why I finally slept.  I know there was a lot of relief that I am not being immediately hospitalized.  I'm being honest so they are doing this knowing that there have been some scary times lately.  Which is good.  I was thinking about how much I don't want to be there the other night and realized that instead of coming up with the reasons one typically uses when thinking of a psych stay I have very different reasons, reasons that are because I have spent too much time there.  Things like I don't want to go knowing that I will eat about 50% of what is on the menu and otherwise will be a lot of cottage cheese and fruit.  I eat a lot of both at home but not as meals.  Or not wanting to deal with insomnia and the night nurse with all these specific reasons.  Or  that I don't overly like any of the snacks and I drink so much water that they rapidly run out of the tiny 8 oz. bottles supplied.  Or the social worker disliking me, probably more so after I complained last time (only to my doctor but Dr. Brain is mighty when annoyed).  I don't want to have to wait and wait to be able to email.  I hate that I am not allowed my nook because if I have the nook I have a chance to adjust what I am reading to what I can follow, whereas books are heavy to lug along and I may or may not be able to follow the plot.  On and on, but the reasons merely show that I have spent way too much time there lately.  I know I'm walking a thin line with the hospital and that I may well end up there but with some sleep it feels less likely.  Somehow it also helps to know that both doctors are willing to give me some leeway on this.  They could make me go.  If my house weren't already made into a safe haven where I'd have to work to get into danger I'm sure that I'd be there, but everyone seems to currently agree that it's very hard to impossible for me to do anything impulsively and so I have bought some time to recover a bit from the shock.

I'm trying to get taxes done today. I am not going to get done because I'm too tired to be sure I'm including everything.  I'm in the medical part which is where most of my deductions come from and where it is important to not miss anything.  Hopefully tomorrow they'll get done totally as the sooner I have them the sooner I can get the refund and be closer to the SSI check that I can't get now because of the pending refund, 401k that I can't get into until the company has processed my resignation, and a few savings bonds with not much value.  Plus the refund will make a big difference with my credit balance.

I am so, so sleepy again!  I am fine with bedtime being 8, but 7 is just too early.  We'll see who wins, when I finally sleep after not for months like this it is often very hard to stay awake.