The end of my career and one long, long day

As you probably know I have known for a while that it will be a very long time before I am able to work again, if that happens.  My employers were holding my job for me, which let me have benefits with less cost than COBRA and it kept the clock from starting for COBRA.   My leave was up next week and I was hoping they'd just say goodbye then.

But it got messy.  While I'm waiting for SSDI (disability) I am eligible for SSI (low income).  To qualify for that I have to liquidate my few assets (house and care are not counted).  I had a tiny 401k and have a few savings bonds that aren't mature yet.  Those both must go.  Except the 401k was set up so that it was nearly impossible to get into.  The only emergency way that I, someone with no income and medical bills everywhere, could get out was to have unpaid medical bills of the amount needed or higher depending on what you read.  I certainly have that but not that in the format they want.  And going around trying to deal with proving that when I know that I can't work anyway and feeling like that is a huge secret I'm carrying around (yet my bosses surely knew) was getting harder.  So after talking to Dr. Mind for a bit I decided to use the resignation letter I wrote this morning when I first really knew it was time.  My hesitation was because technically they can come after me for the cost of benefits, but first I don't have it and second they've been really nice about things to now and I don't think that my quitting after 6 months of trying to get well really will make much splash in the huge company.

I had a long, intense time with Dr. Mind.  There were 2 times this week that I had to purposefully back away from something dangerous because it's very hard to want to live while you systematically tear your life apart.  The first time was at home and involved meds and I was able to talk myself out of it, lock them up and close the door rapidly.  The 2nd was more disturbing; at my mom's I found a utility knife and really struggled not to pocket it.  A lot of the feelings from a month ago are back as I keep facing more new and painful changes in my life:  feelings that this is hopeless and I'm tired of fighting and I want access to ways out.  The end result was that I am very close to the hospital again (and after 45 minutes of this talking I realized this is true and agreed that I am very close and that I will discuss it further with Dr. Brain this weekend).  I asked where the line was between having bad feelings and being sent to the hospital.  And in the midst of crying I have no idea what the answer is aside from I am close to it.  The word despair was mentioned repeatedly by Dr. Mind.  He also talked to me about the severity of my depression and asked if this is the worst it has ever been.  It's not yet but it is close.  It's so weird to be so depressed and not have cycling, but pretty much I am just so low that it's hard to remember I even have highs.

We talked a great deal more about how much it hurts to have so much change and so much painful stuff and that my sleep is not just out of whack because of anxiety but because of depression as well.  So I agreed to go finish off my crying on this walking trail thing and I did that.

Praying was so hard because I could hear how much he is hurting for me.  One thing that can be really hard for me is that numerous people invested a lot to help me be the person who succeeded.  I don't think I was the only one who thought we'd won.  Dr. Mind does say that he has been aware for several months that the change that has made this so hard and has caused the end of my career was big and that he has been concerned about my ability to work for some months.  But so many times I made it back to ok when it wasn't clear that I could.  It is hard for everyone that this has happened.  When Dr. Mind's voice broke a few times I knew that he's hurting for me.  I honestly can't imagine his job right now; I know that I am so fragile and hurting so much and walking such a dangerous line that I would imagine it's pretty hard to have seen the joy and success of the good period turn into this.  He cares and I can't imagine that it's easy to see someone you care about hurting as much as I have been, especially with today's decisions followed by the matter of fact announcement that my desire to hurt myself is gaining strength.

And after all that I think hospitalization is so near that I'll be packed when I see Dr.Brain.  I stopped for a couple tylenol before my class and had a really hard time wanting to gather collections of meds to bring home.  Having gotten my home into a pretty safe place that wouldn't be wise and I did again leave with nothing I shouldn't have, but if I'm going to fight a serious thought every day or two that's not good at all.  Dr. Brain is typically slower to think supervision is needed than Dr. Mind, but after last time she was pretty serious about preventing repeats.  And (I did honestly tell Dr. Mind this too when asked) I am not sure I don't belong in the hospital.  I think if things don't change I'm within days of needing it.  I just don't want to go back there AGAIN.  I used to know how Dr. Brain would react but that was before the great lying about how I feel being dangerous thing, and even though I am telling on myself there's a lot of hurting in there.

For now I have cried (including in my class) myself into a pounding headache, haven't really eaten supper and am kind of tired.  Maybe I cried enough to sleep. We'll see.