Sad

This has been creeping up for a (please know I don't have an A key, must replace the whole keyboard and that's why I have many typos) while.  Monday marks a year since I worked.  Which also feels like the finalization of my career.  I don't know why that marker feels like it has so much power to make this something real instead of what my shock has been saying.  I know that I am done being an OT unless some job would come along when I'm able to work a bit that somehow prevented me from throwing too much into work.

But even so I always pictured retirement as something planned, with lots of good-bye's and happiness mixed with sorrow.  I knew I might become disabled beyond the point of working and yet it never occurred to me how abrupt that would be.

I just want to have one more week.  I don't know what that would do besides let me say good-bye.  I had a few patients who I was almost done with and had been treating for a long time and I figured I'd be working for another 2 weeks so I had not gotten close to saying good-bye.  They knew I was about to have surgery but the abrupt stop was because I couldn't take vicodin and work and we hoped percocet at a low dose would allow both but I can't have percocet because I can't pee when taking it.

One thing that is sad as well is that my pain is worst when I drive very far or the day after I drive.  If I had a different job, had stayed miserable in nursing homes, I would have worked up to pre-op.  I know that really wouldn't have changed much, but it feels like it might have..

I think it's like the time that I saw a patient in the evening.  She'd had a fall and was bruised and complaining of joint pain.  I checked her out, decided she could have a small ankle fracture or a bad sprain and needed xrays. I documented about all this and the bruises extensively as well as the warnings I'd given about using a walker, etc.  I went to the office early the next morning and called the dr. as soon as they were open and requested an xray be done at her home.  I did the associated paperwork and was finishing up something else when a nurse asked me if she answered the phone usually.  I said she did and that I knew for certain she was going to be home that day.  Through the day various attempts to reach her failed and they sent a nurse out to check on her.  She was non-responsive and died very soon after.  Nobody knows what happened.  But it was so shocking.  I was the last person she saw and probably spoke to.And I left someone sore and possibly needing an ankle brace or cast and soon after she was gone.  I know death after so many years in geriatrics.  That one was hard because it more stunning than any other.

I wish that I could be in another situation.  This time the patient didn't answer, family couldn't reach her and I had just seen her and knew something was wrong.  I stopped to check on her when I was driving from place to place and discovered she'd had a mild stroke.  In that case I may have prevented tragedy.  My actions gave this woman more time.  It was my job to do this, nothing should sound like "I saved a life, I'm awesome" because that's not it.  I just helped there be more time before what is probably linevitable for that woman:  a major stroke while home alone.

I don't know how to write about what this feels like.  My career is just something I didn't want to lose.  And as I struggle to manage I keep finding myself entering a new stage when I am resentful of  some of this.   I hate living on no moneoy.  Relying on my mom for everything is humiliating.  I have to wear sturdy sneakers that help prevent rolling ankles.  They are very expsensive.  Yesterday I discovered my orthotic has worn through this pair and torn it.  So I'm wearing a pair that I have that I hated and hoping they go on sale.  Even then Mommy will be buying them for me and that's just humiliating.

I don't think this post makes sense.  But basically , very sad right now.  I lost track of time aand so haven't talked much/at all with Dr. Mind about this coming.  I just don't want to face yet again tht this is the way it is and that I should not plan for it to be the way it was before.

hello grieving process.

(Add in there sadness that having the hysterectomy just finalizes that there will be no children.  I've known this forever but I think you retain secret fantasies when you have to give up a dream.)

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