What am I doing to myself?

This evening I was out mowing and thinking that I won't be doing that too many more times this year. My surgery is 3 weeks away and I'll be done mowing then. I was having a hard time because the mowing was causing some discomfort and it suddenly hit me: Mowing is something that I'm proud I can do because I have so many restrictions. My ability to function is completely different than it was a year ago, when I was 4 days pre-op. I need this hysterectomy. I've failed every step of the ladder to qualify for one when you are younger. I am hurting and bleeding far too heavily. It's really not a choice. But I've been as relaxed as I could manage to be about this. And today that changed and I found myself asking the questions that nobody can answer. I am so afraid that I'll lose another chunk of myself. Surgical pain, recovery, etc. doesn't bother me much because I can handle those things. I'm trying to tell myself that there's not much that really could be taken. If my cognition is worse I've managed that. I already lost work, who I was, who I wanted to be. A lot of what happened last time was a reaction to hormones. There is no reason to think I will come out of surgery suicidal this time since that has disappeared since the Mirena came out. Precautions are being taken to avoid the horrible akasethesia from last year. And yet I know there is a risk. I know because I learned the hard way. Doing this means one more time I have to just take a deep breath and do it. And I don't want to. I'm tired of living like that. I'm tired of the risks in my life being the loss of who I am. I know this awful year has also had good. I know that I have made enormous gains with PTSD and that this is a huge deal. But I also have no memory of most of a year of my life and what I know of that time is horrible. I've now had both Dr. Brain and Dr. Mind say they didn't know if I was going to come back from this last episode. And everyone seems to accept the losses with the same calm but sad acceptance I try to go for. But in reality I have a lot of feelings that are NOT calm or sad. I lost so much that I had worked so hard for and if that weren't enough I have to face the potential of losing them again. This is so hard. Copyright 2006 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com