Tomorrow

Tomorrow I am scheduled to go see Dr. Mind. However I need to call my dr's office in the morning because of the bladder pain/difficulty peeing I've been having. I think it's ok and have even made it almost 12 hours without painkillers. However bladder spasms and UTIs are both common effects and one can lead the other. So I have to check in. I am praying I don't have to go up. I know tomorrow she's in surgery. Tuesday is her clinic day but I have no ride and am supposed to babysit for a little bit in the evening. I have no ride until Friday and by then I assume either I'll be sick or I won't. I really want them to tell me to just take it easy for a few days or the like. I am so worried about this that I desperately need to have it over with. I feel like not calling in since it's not restricting anything but that doesn't seem good either. Ugh. Copyright 2006 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com

Thinking

It seems likely that I have a UTI brewing. It's common after a hysterectomy. It also could be bladder spasms. Those can be caused by the surgery or by the pain meds. Which is where I get scared. It hurts without pain meds. One of my cousins made it onto my LIST and I've spent the past 4 hours trying to figure out why. I have always know that he is an exaggerator. He also lies. And he has done some things that we'll never prove but there is little other explanation: he stole things that had been my grandmas and more chillingly quite probably things that were ours, from the house where I grew up and which my father stuck in some storage area years ago. This cousin used to check in on my father sometimes and was there when the stuff was stored. It's entirely possible for him to have had access. I'm sure I've written before about my father refusing to give us almost anything when we wouldn't live with him and while I figure it is mostly likely he'll someday die, nobody will know and the possessions will be auctioned it is hard to totally lose hope that someday we'll get some things back. I don't know what I'd even want, but it's weird. Anyway, this cousin lived with my grandma for maybe 2-3 years not too long after my grandfather died. It was a good thing as it offered her more community mobility and social life, but it was also convenient for him. Which is a sticking point for me. Eventually, as I recall, he got caught in enough lies that he left. (It's a trend in men in my family I think). I really can't remember why but think it was that. A few years later my grandma because terminally ill. At first we were told weeks would be the most we should expect. Thanks to chemo intended to reduce pain but which actually treated the tumors we had 2.5 years with her. During most of that time she has a daytime companion, then my mom and I shared the rest. One of the things I did when she was first home from the hospital and then we continued for months was that I read to her. I read books she'd read to us all as children so much she could recite much of them (and I'm talking all 4 of the original Winnie the Pooh books). I also read her diaries to her, in order with many missing years. She never said much about those years but I wonder if this cousin took them. The diaries that existed and papers that went with them, her Bible, her autograph book from high school, and some other things were with the diaries. There was jealous from several areas over my getting these. But it was because we read them, for months, after school, before bed, on weekends. And then for the remainder of her life she re-read her favorite, the one of me at 2 years old. She didn't know she was re-reading it over and over and sharing the same stories, but it made her happy. I also truly believe I was left those diaries to give me the answers that I would want to know as an adult about the sexual abuse in her home. The diaries don't give it a name but they do let me know it happened, how she felt about it, and simply that she loved me and couldn't prevent what happened. That's not blatant but it is there and I think it was a gift to me, that recording of the pain in her life and mine during that time. In other words, she probably wrote some of those diaries for me 33 years ago. Among the most jealous is this cousin who thinks he is the family historian and expert on everything in that area. Another book that is in the pile is one of those 'tell the story of your life' gift books. My mom had given it to her and she never really got into it, which was shocking as she was a story-teller. I had never looked through it really until maybe a year ago. I knew her mother had abandonded her after her father died, and I know that she loved her father greatly. I knew she had found her mother difficult. She wrote a page about her relationship with her very abusive mother than made me sob in sadness for what she went through. Another thing I have with the diaries is a way to see her feelings about things she'd never have said. For example, her sister died with 24 hours of my birth. They'd kept in touch with letters for many years but weren't close. She was sad and she expressed that as well as appreciation for flowers from the church and some meals. Mostly though it was about my birth. There wasn't any consideration of traveling to the funeral. Someone sent a picture of the memorial stone; I found it in a diary. So the last few days my cousin has been posting pictures of my great-grandmother. I did finally find out where my curls come from. Even then he was condesending about my grandmother's great love and desire for curls. EVERYONE who knew her knew this story. And I heard it even more because she loved my hair. I look like my grandma but in some ways I look even more like her mother which is weird. He kept making her sound great. I've been more and more annoyed with this. When a post that was gay porn passed through my facebook (I now have different settings) from him I'd had it. So I pointed out, politely, that she had not been a grandmother or great-grandmother on our side, that she has abandoned our grandmother. He posted quite a lecture, much of which is wrong and which I have in writing. The thing is that I did not want to share that with him. He's working on geneology for that side of the family. I could tell her where to find a great deal of it as I did it from the papers I have last year, but there is something I don't want him to grasp into. In the time before she died my grandma told me of her daughter Elizabeth who died soon after birth. She said she'd never spoken of her and that she was telling me so someone would remember Elizabeth when she was gone. When I did the geneology I put Elizabeth on there and if he starts telling me about her I will drive the 10 hours needed to clobber him (once I can drive of course). Because I am about 99% sure he'd be lying about a very tender subject. Elizabeth is, I realized tonight, why I feel so called to make the baby hats for babies who won't live. There wasn't such a thing then and I honestly don't know if my grandma ever saw her. I spent a lot of time tonight trying to figure out what I am so angry. And it's pretty simple. He acts like he knew everything about my grandma. He frequently has lectured me about whatever I've said about her. And I'm sure they were close enough while he lived with her (although when she'd died I found gay porn hidden in HER bathroom (he had another upstairs) and a used needle stuffed in a kitchen drawer. That part may or may not have been his, but there was some reason to think it was. He worked in the hospital as an orderly (which lets him dispense medical expertise) and that may be connected to his abrupt departure. I can't remember. But. And it's a big but. She was dying for 2 1/2 years. For 2 years my mom and i kept her at home byspending nights. I comforted her when she was afraid someone was breaking in, reassured her when she tried to talk out to check the locks each night, picked her up off the floor when she fell, remembered with her over and over, found things to tempt her appetite during chemo, checked every morning to be sure she was breathing, and spent a horrible weekend with her when she had pneumonia and there was a snowstorm so that I couldn't get her to the hospital. I bathed her during that time and learned something that followed me through my career: care from other can be humiliating. Always cover as much as you can. My patients loved that I could change hospital gowns without any nudity and did so every time unless something made it impossible. I cried with her when she needed me to. I dressed her, got to to the bathroom when needed, and did many things 16-17 year old girls rarely do. I'm so glad that I did; that time with her was sacred. But for 2.5 years she was dying, he was about 6 hours away and he never visited. I don't know if her called; I don't remember it. He didn't come for the funeral, just sent roses. They were beautiful but they weren't presence. They were not the trip I think every other cousin made to hug her once more. We had about 4 months that we knew the end was very near but not upon us. That was wonderful time for her to see family and friends and say good-byes. We were honest, the goodbyes were final and everyone knew it. In the beginning of the 3rd month she began having vag**inal bleeding from her cancer and tumors became visible through her clothes and grew very rapidly. The day the bleeding started she was afraid and even though she knew what it was she wanted to be checked. It was the first time I did something truly adult with my newly earned 18 year old status; I told the nurse that she wanted to be sent, I would be the responnsible party, that she and I both knew but she needed reassurance by her request. The nurses discussed it in medical code and I learned that it is easier to understand than they may have thought. I insisted until she went to the ER. No, it didn't change her life except it told her the end was there. We alerted everyone that the time was coming. That cousin did nothing. When she had to be on morphine the last few days of her life and was unconscious the word again went out that it was days at most. We were so aware of this and calm about it that I remember several days before she died having to leave because it had hit me that she couldn't be buried in her clothing with 3 enormous (volleyball to basketball sized) tumors on her abdomen. (Thankfully they do have a solution for this in case you ever encounter it. She wore a thing the mortuary provided that looked like a dress but fit like a hospital gown and then when they covered her abdomen to keep it smooth and tucked the gown in just right the tumors were hidden, as she would have wanted. In all the patients I treated I never saw tumors like that). When I went in about the 4th afternoon of her unconsciouness she woke and talked to me, telling me beautiful stories about how death was coming. She took away the fear of death for me that day and led to my career. She told me many things about how much she loved me and we said the most profound good-bye I could have imagined. THAT was a relationship with my grandma. Cousin I'm an expert didn't bother to come for one day of this and I apparently have been angry for years (I probably knew how hurt she was as I'm sure she was although I don't remember a specific discussion). As far as I'm concerned the combination of known lying, the porn last night (and aat my grandma's) and the correcting me as if he knew her better than I is not something I can swallow. I'm sure pain and meds and fatigue all mix into this. But I am so angry because in 2.5 years a trip was possible. I feel he didn't care enough to give her a last hug and so he can shut up. I'm sure there's a lot wrong there in my thinking but right now it infuriates me. Hopefully talking will make me calm down. Copyright 2006 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com

Grounded

I am still not feeling as good as I had been.  I am having more pain, nausea, hot flashes and trouble sleeping.  I suspect a lot of this is because as the vicodin no longer makes me sleepy I instead am doing things like wandering around picking up things, walking further, and identifying the need to stop less accurately and am not listening to my mom about stopping when I should.  I talked to the dr.'s office yesterday and am kind of between needing to call back today and not.  So for now I'm not going to because I am going to see what happens for a couple days of doing nothing much.  Today I've thrown laundry to the basement and washed clothes but my mom carries it back up, and I played with my niece but I didn't ride down to meet my sister because of the resting thing.  Today was the first day my niece has been all about Aunt Jen rather than Grandma.  I love her so much.  It looks like Tuesday afternoons at least for now I'll be babysitting her at my mom's.  It's perfect as it won't exhaust me (once I'm healed of course; for now I can't really be alone with her since I can't lift her) but gives me much desired time.

.

Please pray for my cousin.  She's been married a few years and apparently have been fighting infertility for a long time.  She had invitro done recently and found out today that she is not pregnant.  Her sister is due to deliver a baby any second.  There are other things that make this sadder, but just please pray that she can cope with her new niece at a time it's going to be so hard.  I can't imagine.  I remember how painful it was for me to have this new baby coming when I desperately wanted what I couldn't have.  (I also wonder what on earth is up with fertility in our family.  My mom and aunt both had difficulties and a number of miscarriages before having 5 girls in 3.5 years.  My mom did have my brother without difficulty (a teenage oops) but I was a baby that shouldn't have been possible and my sister was not likely. My aunt lost numerous babies before having her girls.  I'm the oldest cousin; I never tried to get pregnant but it looks unlikely that I would have been able to, and certainly my fertility ended early as the last 2 years a baby would have been nearly impossible, and now of course it is.  The next 2/5 had no difficulty that I know of (my sister may have taken some time to get pregnant but that's a guess from a single statement), and the youngest is the one with the horrible news today.

Last night was an adventure.  My room at my mom's is also where my niece's crib is.  It's a medium sized room but with a crib, double bed,  small bookshelf, cedar chest, rocker, most of the floor taken up by what Anne callls "the kitty potty" and a feeding area for my cats plus my stuff there's not a lot of space to change things. My bed is under a very weird skylight and if it rains exactly right it drips onto my bed.  I woke last night to a big puddle in my bed, so I shoved a towel under the sheets, a towel over the wet part and a big Tupperware (the real stuff) bowl on top.  My cat enjoyed watching drips.  I just moved to the other side of the bed and went back to sleep.  I hope it doesn't rain again until I am home (as it rains).

Michal, my goal is to respond to your email tonight or tomorrow but I am so glad that things aren't as awful and scary as they seemed and I am anxious to hear the red surprise!  I don't trust my responses since I'm drugged, tired but not sleeping and may have another period of feeling bad tonight.  Hope not, but when they say this is a real recovery process they do mean that.  Not intending to ignore anyone, I'm just not myself yet.

Sick

I won't share details (you're welcome) but I've been trying to vomit for eons.  I think my stomach muscles are too weak.  I also did too much today; in fact I've really been in bed since 5.  Tomorrow my niece will be here and I'll have to stay away, which has the one good effect of keeping me in bed resting.  I'll call the dr's office of course.  I  took Zofran, which Dr. Body gives me so that I don't get dehydrated.  Hopefully it will stop the nausea.  Gagging with a belly full of stitches is not recommended in case you were wondering.

4 more weeks.....

I'm sorry.  I'm a posting truant.  It's hard.  I am working my way off pain meds but am very, very tired a lot.  I have a tendency to overdo.  Today I got out of the house to Walmart for a little bit and have been more insomniac than anything else since but today is my first day of not napping and that's only because I slept late and then was anxious.  I also have some belly cramps.  For all the warnings about constipation I have not had that issue.  It remains to be seen in my uterus was causing the chronic constipation of the last 10 years.  It was definteily making urinating difficult which is weird to get used to as well.

Walmart was a lot and it was frustrating trying to acquire a 2nd pair of pants that fit.  I had to hem what I got.  I am not proportional right now.  At all.  On the other hand I'm going to be going doing about 5 sizes soon.

I've gotten myself worked up because I realized that the last time I slept well for more than a day or two was when I was on Vicodin last year and now that I've had some sleep I don't want to go back to insomnia.  I know this sounds sort of like addiction and it's not, it's just vicodin is the only thing that has reminded me of how wonderful sleep feels when it's not earned by waging war.

A friend had a surprise bypass surgery last week and I've been worried about that.  Things seem to be improving but still it's scary.  I have the weird position of seeing people recover from that surgery (and others) as many new techniques were developed and so I know that bypass recovery isn't the end of the world.  When I was new to therapy it was about 2x as hard as it is now.  Not saying it's easy, it's not at all but at least they have it down to being less invasive.  So I'm about one week further into a 6 week recovery for both, although vastly, vastly different.  I don't think I'll talk about about the ways my surgery is uncomfortable but it's a bit unique.

I'm still not very comfortable sitting and typing, which is the real reason for fewer posts.  It's improving so we're getting there.  It's also hard to say much; I don't do much and not only is a litany of healing boring it also gets kinda personal.

anyway, time to try to sleep.  I see Dr Mind tomorrow and that's caused anxiety that kept me up, I think.

Life goes on

I have not been participating all that much in life lately.  I've been medicated and tired and hurting and the like.  I do small chores here at my mom's (today I threw 2 loads of clothes down 2 flights of flights then washed them.)  I take a daily walk.  Yesterday I went with my mom to meet my sister to return Anne so I saw some things that were different.  My life isn't much because every activity requires a couple hours of napping.

I wondered why I hadn't heard from a certain friend but things happen there that break up communication.  Turns out this time the friend has been in the hospital and had open heart surgery.  While I find it extremely kind to make sure I wasn't alone in my healing process that may be extreme.  I'm very worried about them; it is someone very important to me.

I've been frustrated because I wasn't the fastest healer on my message board.  I'm doing ok but there are people who are independent with everything, driving, even shopping.  I don't do much and proved why when I tried to talk to Dr. Mind and got so groggy I was slurring my speech and he couldn't hear me and I think I was just repeating myself.  We stopped early.  Today I finally had to accept that partly I'm not healing because I'm doing too much.  I have broken my lifting restrictions a few times and while I am allowed to do small tasks I forget the "with frequent rest breaks" part of that.  Then I'm exhausted and hurt more and everything else becomes harder.  One fun feature of hysterectomy is "swelly belly" where your belly is swollen all the time but throughout the day it grows.  Doing too much also makes it grow. By bedtime every night (7-8 pm usually) I look anywhere from 5-8 months pregnant.  This can continue for months but right now it is most pronounced and I need to pay more attention to that sign.

What finally came clear  tonight though was that I'm pushing hard because I seem to to be trying to make the things from a year ago ago to go away.  I was pushing at that really up until this new surgery so it makes sense.  It's just more of the "hard to believe I lost so much cognition" and while so far this year I seem to have maintained I did not wake up healed from last year.  They truly did everything to help prevent that and it wasn't anything to do with the doctors, it was that last little bit of hope I held without realizing it that said maybe the hysterectomy would cure it all.

So now Dr. Mind and I have things to talk about instead of circling around what my brain comes up with.  

I just wish the pushing too hard really could make things better.  It would be great if I had a hysterectomy and suddenly no longer was one of those people dependent on the government because I am lazy.  (Not that this comment made me bitter at all.  I just think those who think this is easy and lazy should try to live on the incomes of people on SSI/SSDI while paying medicare premiums and drug costs.  I want them to have to tell yet another official person at the hospital that you are on patient assistance or to have your meds sent to your doctor's office to be sure they are distributed appropriately.  Or choosing whether to risk dropping a med that has a history of keeping you alive because it is expensive.  That's just the last month of experiences.  It doesn't include the free counseling sessions (Dr. Mind makes nothing for treating me), the meds I do pay for at great cost, etc.  It's hard to believe what I was earning a year ago and then compare it to now, when the only way I have to make a tiny bit of extra money is completing commercial offers and surveys through an online thing that also lets you earn points for searches.  I do this plenty and earn something about every month but I really didn't take on that master's degree to work hard to earn gift cards so I can replace the pan I burned, buy sewing supplies, etc.

Not trying to be political as I am not and vote based on what I think of policies, not by affiliation.  But Romney hurt me and many, many others like me in a way that won't resolve quickly.  Politics should not insult and say the worst things that you think about yourself as a member of a group if people really want to be politicians.

Sorry.  Bad mood.  Ignore it if you don't like it.

I'm really back online, but am not typing much, hence the scarce postings.  I am definitely not having a painfree recovery.  I'm ok but need pain meds frequently.  I have an incision in the most annoying place and it's the one everything was done through so it is more sore and constantly aggravated.  Mostly I am laying down except for my social times or the short walks I'm trying daily.  Today I went out and realized it was sprinkling and we had a visitor; it was a good thing he came because I didn't start walking before realizing it was going to rain and it went from sprinkles to pouring rapidly and I would have been drenched waddling back.

I got my pathology report yesterday and while there were a bunch of abnormalities there wasn't really a diagnosis.  Well, there was but it just means heavy, violently irregular, painful periods.  There wasn't anything like fibroids.  Apparently this is common and even I know that I can't freak out about that because something was clearly very wrong.

Today has been a panic about pain meds.  They only gave me a 5 day supply and I've backed off as much as possible but mostly need them consistently still, especially if I am up and moving which is of course good.  I called and didn't hear back and had to call again and explain that my only means of getting them meant i needed the pills by 4:30.  The message had not been taken correctly and so there was confusion but my mom is picking up more meds now.  I hope.  I really hope for a larger supply this time because it's been hard to admit that I need consistent meds when the bottle was emptying rapidly.  I can't imagine I'll be totally off for a while.

My life is pretty limited right now.  I'm still at my mom's and will be for a while as I can't drive or get into my shower or do many things that would mean she'd need to come up daily to help.  I take a shower when my mom is home in case I fall or have problems.  That is usually enough to require a nap.  I try to sort of get dressed daily but am limited by my enormously swollen belly and that stupid incision.  Most days I take 2-3 naps.  Today I've had only one which is not good but the med stuff prevented sleep.  My emotions are kind of touchy which is normal.  I heat foods and am going to make scrambled eggs later today.  Mostly my mom cooks.  I get my own drinks and of course drink tons.  One good effect has been that my uterus must have been pushing on my bladder and I can fully empty it for the first time in years.  I suspect my frequent UTIs are done.  I'm trying to do little things, like move my laundry into the dryer from the washer.  I can't carry it up right now because I need the hand rails to be sturdy on those particular steps.  I put things in the sink and the like.  It's tough because I want to do more and my belly says no.  I don't spend much time upright which is why I'm not updating much.  In fact it is past time to lay down now.

I'll be writing more as I can sit more.  I can't lay in the right position to type; I know there is one but the belly says no.

No internet

My mom's internet isn't working except for a brief moment here and there.  I'll post more when I can.

Today has been a bit more painful.  Not sure why.  I guess being 5 days from surgery would do it but since I'm running out of prescription pain pills I'm a little anxious about whether I should still be having pain.  However I am doing what I can tolerate so sometimes that causes pain.  Monday's project will be getting more meds.

Later,
Jen

All done

My hysterectomy is done and I came home yesterday. Sort of. I really came to my mom's home after realizing that I was too tired and shaky to do more than very tiny tasks (get some water, move from one room to another). Being where I have help lets me have a little energy left over for things like a shower or tiny walk. At my house a shower wouldn't even have been an option because I can't step into a bathtub; my mom has a walk in shower. I'm making myself think I'll be here a week and if I make it home sooner that's great. I'm really feeling ok. My belly hurts and it is HUGE. With "light control" panties in the largest size I could find (5 more than mine?)we laughed so hard because I have an 8 months pregnant tummy that the support garment makes all smooth and natural looking. I can't be very active at all without pain and/or dizziness but there are worse things and it's good to be reminded to slow down before I hurt too much. I have 4 incisions, 2 of which are just as sore as the dr. told me they would be. That apparently is where the uterus is removed. The did discover that my right fallopian tube had narrowed significantly and possibly caused the pain I had there. We hope so since that tube and it's mate are gone. I'll write more later. I just overdid and am not feeling very good at this precise moment. Copyright 2006 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com

9/11

I am preparing this post far in advance because I will be in the hospital and possibly adjusting to being home on 9/11 and I don't want it to be unrecognized.  So, rather than a lot of words, please play this and watch the pictures:

Copyright 2006 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com

About time

I actually fell asleep for a while and if my bladder hadn't been ready to sleep I think I would have made it until 2:30 which is the agreed time to get up.  Still I didn't expect any sleep.

12 hours from now it will be done and I may even be up to my room.

I'll post again when I can.  Not sure when that will be.  I'm really hoping Wednesday but it depends.

I am so THIRSTY.  Ugh.

Now comes the first hard part

I should say the first immediate hard part. Nervous energy has propelled me through a long day. I had to take my cats to the vet to get shots and be boarded. Anna once again is a kidney cat. There was some misinterpretation of her last labs. It's not bad, in fact she's handling it as well as you could hope, and I never stopped thinking of her as a kidney cat since she acted like one. But she is doing AWESOME. I got a whole pound back on her, which is 13% of her body weight. She looks healthy and isn't even on anxiety meds right now. Noah buried himself in blankets on the way down so that I had to look hard to even find him. He's healthy and fat. Really he's not that fat, he just gets to eat a lot more than he would if Anna didn't need a smorgasboard. Which has improved so I can't complain. I can't even begin to tell you everything I've done the last few days. I've scrubbed walls, the top of the refrigerator, the kitchen, the bathroom. I took down the pretty shower curtain and the plastic one today and washed the pretty one and soaked the other in bleach and wiped it off (it's a neat plastic that is really think and truly lets you wipe stuff off. The bleach as just a can't hurt type of thing. I even re-hung them and I HATE that job. I've cleaned my room except for the top of the dresser and vaccuuming. I've washed load after load of clothes, blankets and sheets. I've scrubbed the fridget. The problem is that I do not really have the energy for this. I'm so tired but also don't want to stop moving. And that's important because of logistics. I'm staying at my mom's so she doesn't have to leave even earlier to get me. My hope is to take pills mid-afternoon and then sleep until 11:30, have a snack and then I'll be shocked if I get back to sleep. We have to leave at 3. I have to shower in the evening and right before I go with some special soap. I check in at 5:30 (and will probably be early since there won't be too much traffic then but this gives us time for me to get lost). I can't remember if I said this but I don't know when I'll be released. Nobody has said this but I think they've decided to be sure that the hormonal effects of this go ok and that I am not clearly messed up by the procedure. My guess is that a medical reason to stay will happen and that this is to hopefully keep me out of psych while first healing if my hormones do flip out. Again, nobody has said this but I hear hints of it in voices. My burned arm is now matched by my bruised on. I put a plastic bag of cat food over my arm last night and bruised badly. A few inches up are my labwork bruises. My labs were ok but a little low; I'm guessing I found where signs of anemia start to show up for me. And now I'm going to trying to be sure my Nook and phone get packed. I'll post tomorrow if I can and then when I'm home. I can text Michal and she may be able to put a comment up but it depends on her computer problems and my grogginess. Don't worry if that doesn't happen. Many things go into my reaching things like my phone and I don't know when I'll be independently mobile. For the most part I'll be alone; this is partly because it's hard for me to sleep while my mom struggles to sit still and also because it's just easier for her to not come back until it's time to go home. She still doesn't get some things. Instead of my sister finding another sitter for my niece this week on the days she covers she's going to have my neice at her house. Which means if I don't come home until that day the poor kid I assume will be dragged from parking garage to my room, spend time there, to a pharmacy, back to the parking garage, drive around to where I'll be, and then spend 2.5 hours more in the car. Brilliant idea but I am not pointing it out. I know she feels responsible for my niece but she has determined in her mind that I'll be fine immediately. She's going to learn a tough lesson since a milk jug is all I can lift for weeks. So the laundry chain alone needs assistance and I don't have enough close for that to be delayed. Another I suspect is that they are going to try to get me through the point where my ovaries scream "WHAT?????????" and turn off for a few days. Nobody wants that for me but it happens. i don't know what losing my tubes does to increase that risk but I am losing the tubes. Oh well, I think the washer just stopped. And i need a shower. Badly. Copyright 2006 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com

Cleaning maniac

I typically hate the word maniac but every so often it is the only word. I have so much nervous energy and am using it for intense household work. All blankets I might use need to be freshly washed. My packing is mostly done. My fridge is scoured. My bedrom/tempoary sewing area is under control. Three weeks of med boxes are ready. I take my cats to the vet this morning and then they'll stay there until I come home. I am to be at the hospital at 5:30 AM on Monday. I think that means surgery about 6:30. I'm really quite calm about it; I just want it over with. The part where I have to go without my felines bothers me but at the same time they know something is up and aren't behaving all that well. I just went to iTunes because a song I wanted very much and couldn't find before seemed worth another try. I also was able to get Selah's new song. Selah once again appeared in my life in a funny way. I had to call the town water department about a billing question. I was put on hold and the music was a crackly Selah. I hope to find a concert within traveling distance s sometime. I can't remember if I mentioned burning my arm on here, but I did. Of course. It's not a pretty burn and I think it is going to scar. I am scared they'll call it an infection risk, but it's definetely not on my abdomen. The worst of it is that I really didn't feel it at first; it took 20 minutes before I felt it. Maybe i'll be lucky and not feel any surgical pain. I have to get up and go to the vet pretty early so I'm going to take an extra klonopin. night Copyright 2006 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com

Sometimes

Sometimes God has to smack us with something to make us pay attention. Yesterday I had pre-op. It was fine, just a really long day. Dr. Sweetheart was very careful to be sure I sknew that undergoing this surgery probably will not end all of my pain and that it is surgery and a somewhat painful one.. My ovaries will continue to have cysts until menopause. So the benefits are decreased pain and no more bleeding. Sounds good to me. I learned I'm also losing my fallopian tubes, so everything goes but the ovaries. I may have menopause a little faster than I would have otherwise, but who cares? She said we'll need to have a plan in place for menopause because it may be a very rought time for me. I knew that; it's a bad time for bipolar women. I was driving home and talked to Dr. Brain who ordered more klonopin for this period. I stopped to get it but the pharmacy didn't have it yet. I had another script for less than I need now to fill and was totally out so I had to get back in the car after getting the script and then drive back to the nearest pharmacy. I was so tired and anxious and suddenly one of the most brilliant rainbows I have ever seen was in front of me. For a while it was 2 but the top faded quickly. So I was smiling as I made that long trek to pay twice as much as the other pharmacy. Nothing much to say about surgery. I am very thankful to have avoided the bowel prep, I'm just taking laxatives for the next few days. I will have a morphine pump when I come out of surgery and until they feel the pain is controlled. She won't give me a guess on when I'll come home but it sounds a bit like the doctors have decided that keeping me lets them observe me. Sometimes the ovaries shut down for a few days after this surgery and the result can be a lot of mood swings. They are working hard to use the smallest amounts of drugs possible and to keep me under for as little time as possible. I am going to predict right how that the hardest part of this will be a 10 lb. lifting restriction and the only exercise I can do for 6 weeks is walking. There are some slow dissolving stitches that don't come out until that point (as they dissolve they may fall out) and I'm sure that's the reasoning but it's a long time just to remember I can't lift the full container of kitty litter, I can't carry much laundry up or down, I can't burn off steam with aerobics. But I'd rather heal so whatever. The extra klonopin is making me sleepy. I guess it's time to see if I can get to sleep earlier tonight. Tomorrow is Dr. Mind and Sam's club. I have a bottle of burn stuff in my car. I really wish I had brought it inside when I found it. Right now I'm too much in my pajamas to go out. Oh well. I saw rainbows. All is well. 4 more days and then I have surgery. My life is made up of numerous lists of things to do. I didn't get enough done today. Then I burned my arm on my iron and the need for ice has made it hard to do some of what was left. Next up, I hope, is setting up bill pay. I don't want to try to pay bills while under the influence of vicodin. opyright 2006 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com

Milestones

I often am captivated by a picture of my niece taken a year or 15 months ago. So much has changed. Back then she was in the practice-walking with anyone who will hold hands while she proudly high-steps phase. She has a few words but mostly used baby signs. She ate soft foods but many things like veggies were still baby food. And you blink and there's a little girl who doesn't even toddle much anymore except when she runs, who has graduated from those signs to saying sentences and paragraphs. Going back even further, I often stand in awe looking at a picture I have from the first time I saw her when she was a day old. Her little foot is near my hand and looks so tiny. Now she prefers not to wear them (just like her Aunt Jen) but she does wear shoes. With a child we look at these markers as developmental milestones. But in reality life is just a lot of milestones. We start kindergarten. We graduate from high school. We learn to drive. We finish college and get our first job, our first apartment. Many people marry and have children. The thing is that after a certain age it is no longer an obvious sequence. For me some of those things have been completing my master's degree, my rocky work history, my first psych stay, whooping cough (that's a big one), last year's surgery, various intervening times I don't remember well, and now this. That's all this surgery is. It's life-chaning, I hope in a good way, but at this moment it helps to think that it's just one thing and then life goes on for the next step. It's just hard to remember that for very long. Copyright 2006 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com

Less than a week

I'll be done with surgery by a week from now. 12 hours from now I will finally know what is going on with the process (things like do I have to do a bowel prep? Can I do it early if needed so that we can drive up the morning of surgery instead of having to get motel rooms? How are we managing pain? Are all my psych needs set up (probably; Dr. Mind and Dr. Sweetheart having been communicating a good bit); how long are lifting restrictions REALLY? (last year she didn't really restrict but I was told a restriction); how long until I can do the low impact aerobics I've been doing pretty regularly until last week), etc. Knowing those things will make this much, much easier. Knowledge is control to me. I am at the hotel in Cleveland right now. I once again was upgraded to a suite with a whirlpool tub. I was disappointed though because in July that really helped with the pain. This time not so much. But the pain is different now so I suppose that makes sense. However, having a fridge is great since I bring my own food. I don't have $ to buy it for one thing but aside from Subway connected to the hotel this neighborhood isn't bad but it is probably inner city and the next few blocks are not the best part of the city. So I have to either eat subway (which I ate too many times in my working years and now really don't like) or bring a cooler. The cooler works great, especially in times like now when not all food tastes good because I'm so nervous. I have organized everything for tomorrow. I had trouble last year because the bag I brought was pretty full of knitting and I didn't have enough hands or space to get around the hospital quickly and easily. So this year I'm consolidating and not taking my purse. I distractedly brought most of my knitting with finished hats on the looms but forgot the needle I need to do this. So I have a lot less to keep my hands busy tomorrow unless I can find a needle somewhere. Oh well. I have my Nook, I just don't have the ability to sit still and read. I also forgot the headphones for my iPod (or at least the ones that aren't bulky and look like I'm in a recording studio) so I won't be using that for calm tomorrow. I need to move some klonopin from my med box to my backpack so I have that if i need it. I have no permission o to take extra but I finally gave up on calling Dr. Brain's office when they are open (I am asleep a lot of that time and forget the rest) and emailed her, and if I take a few extra I really don't care. She said I'd be able to have more before surgery but not how much or when. I should have gotten specifics from her when I was in her office. But I've been on much more before so I know this is fine. I am usually a super organized packer. This time not only did I forget my needle I also for my patches. I didn't put on one today and I wouldn't need another so didn't bring one. Not a big deal but again, atypical. Not much else to say. I just want this week to be over. And then I will be able to focus on healing well so I'm all ready for the Outer Banks for Thanksgiving. I have post-op about 2 weeks before we go so I'll be released to lift and play with my girlie just in time since I am riding down with them. 12 hours in a car with a 2 year old......I'm gathering supplies now. Until I am released for lifting and everything is relatively healed it's just too hard to be with Anne. She could understand that I can't pick her up and she needs to crawl up on my lap, but she's not much for being held except when being read to. Which I can do for hours but she needs to be busy. And she is used to having Aunt Jen sit on the floor and play with her, as well as do things nobody should do after 20, like rolling down hills. It's just hard to feel safe that she wouldn't accidentally hit a sore spot. Last year I was fine with her in about a month but this is different surgery. Hopefully I'll be doing great in a few weeks but I'll have internal stitches for 6-8 weeks that need to stay intact. I keep saying this; I don't know what else to say. I'm just glad to be here but I'm scared of next Monday. Oh well, I made it here with very heavy rain hitting just as I got to the part that I don't know as well and I actually remembered how to get here and did not freak out about the rain and need to go slowly in more traffic that I'm used to (aka ANY traffic). Getting here on my own is a big accomplishment and should mean next week I can get us to the hospital (make it to here and then drive a while). Can't wait to be done! Copyright 2006 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com

I am so frustrated

Although I still have serious memory issues that are significant I have been learning to live with it. Slowly, not perfectly, but I'm doing it. I have felt relatively confident that I could safely cook as long as I kept a timer on and stayed in the kitchen if I knew I was distracted. I made some pasta this evening. I stayed in the kitchen because I'm tired and sore today. I forgot to turn the burner off. I've been in my bedroom and far away from any warnings until it really got hot. So hot that it appears the nonstick stuff burned away. I'll know more when it is cooled completely and it is soaking right now but I have a feeling I ruined an expensive pan and don't have money to replace it. I want to cry because I'm so tired of things being difficult but it isn't happening. I am too focused on making it through this week. I wish it were easier. I remember when that wasn't even something I had to think about and now I'm embarrassed that anyone gave me a nice pan when I can't handle things. I've accepted that things are different now but that does not mean that I'm happy about it. I counted on my brain and memory. It was how I managed bipolar and work; I memorized everything about every patient that I could. I worked so hard at this that there were times I could recite someone's medicare # and give room numbers for 200 patients. My memory was always the thing I had that I could rely on. I might not be the same mood for 10 minutes but I certainly could remember more than almost anyone. Losing that and facing the consequences is the hardest part of what has happened in the last 18 months or so. I knew my bipolar could and quite possibly would reach a point of worsening but I never realized how hard it would be to know that has happened. My memory is so good that I stopped typing suddenly while writing last night and totally forgot to finish it. My niece will say "I am FRUSTRATED" when she is upset. Me too little girl, me too. Copyright 2006 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com

I've got nothing

I just don't know what to say. I am 9 days from surgery and having a great deal of anxiety. That's hardly surprisng. I have pre-op Tuesday so hopefully that will help me calm down. In reality I think it will just be hard for the next week. There are things about this that are so scary. It's such a final thing to do. The good thing about that is that I will no longer have bleeding and cramps. The bad thing is that it is very, very permanent. I didn't think that would affect me but it does. I've not talked about it much because I don't want to feel extremely conflicted going in. I'd much rather grieve when it's done. There's also the simple fact that I could lose more cognitive skills this time. The only way to know that is going to be waiting. Which is tough. There is also a chance this won't fix everything. I am keeping my ovaries because menopause is not a good idea for me (the surgical kind, the other I don't have a choice). That means I'll still get PMS and ovarian cysts. There are worse things but I'm really hoping it will all be gone. I think that in many ways I'm shifting anxiety about this to other things. Money especially, but also stupid things like my ridiculous to-do list. Many things make sense. Other things could wait if I would just settle down. I need to go finish washing dishes in a minute. I am trying to have baby hats ready to mail so I need to hand wash the ones that can't handle the machine. They'll need a few days to dry so I want to get that started. When all of them are ready I have to go through every one and look for errors, loose yarn, etc. I won't actually be able to mail them until I get paid in a few weeks. Increased grocery shopping has made me very tight for a while. The good thing is I probably won't be spending a lot of money for much of September so that should help. I did something so ridiculous the other day. I had forgotten to lock the car after carrying in groceries, and when I heard someone walk past I remembered and used the remote from inside the house. A little bit later I heard beep-beep-beep-beep. I ignored this for a while thinking there was no way it was my car. It continued so I went out and re-closed all the doors. I waited a while and nothing beeped. I came in and soon heard beep-beep-beep-beep. I went back out. Repeat. I looked at the manual and did what it said. Beep-beep-beep-beep. This time I did everything but dance around. Beep-beep-beep-beep. I gave up and unlocked the car. Beep-beep-beep-beep. I gave up, knowing I might have to go to the dealer an hour away if it didn't miraculously stop overnight. When I woke it was still beeping. I started to go out again when suddenly I realized it was coming from the basement. Turns out when I took clothes out of the dryer before the entire drying time was up I thought I'd turned the machine off. I was wrong. So all that work and I just needed to press a button. My Anna cat is laying up on my bed beside me. I am so happy with how she is doing. 2 months ago I really thought the end of her life was coming. Now she is off anxiety meds, eating really well but not excessivley, she's gained weight and looks healthier than she has in a few years, and she is happy. I love seeing her wanting to be held and also sleeping peacefully. Wow, big thunder. I guess it's time to check the weather! Copyright 2006 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com