Life goes on

I have not been participating all that much in life lately.  I've been medicated and tired and hurting and the like.  I do small chores here at my mom's (today I threw 2 loads of clothes down 2 flights of flights then washed them.)  I take a daily walk.  Yesterday I went with my mom to meet my sister to return Anne so I saw some things that were different.  My life isn't much because every activity requires a couple hours of napping.

I wondered why I hadn't heard from a certain friend but things happen there that break up communication.  Turns out this time the friend has been in the hospital and had open heart surgery.  While I find it extremely kind to make sure I wasn't alone in my healing process that may be extreme.  I'm very worried about them; it is someone very important to me.

I've been frustrated because I wasn't the fastest healer on my message board.  I'm doing ok but there are people who are independent with everything, driving, even shopping.  I don't do much and proved why when I tried to talk to Dr. Mind and got so groggy I was slurring my speech and he couldn't hear me and I think I was just repeating myself.  We stopped early.  Today I finally had to accept that partly I'm not healing because I'm doing too much.  I have broken my lifting restrictions a few times and while I am allowed to do small tasks I forget the "with frequent rest breaks" part of that.  Then I'm exhausted and hurt more and everything else becomes harder.  One fun feature of hysterectomy is "swelly belly" where your belly is swollen all the time but throughout the day it grows.  Doing too much also makes it grow. By bedtime every night (7-8 pm usually) I look anywhere from 5-8 months pregnant.  This can continue for months but right now it is most pronounced and I need to pay more attention to that sign.

What finally came clear  tonight though was that I'm pushing hard because I seem to to be trying to make the things from a year ago ago to go away.  I was pushing at that really up until this new surgery so it makes sense.  It's just more of the "hard to believe I lost so much cognition" and while so far this year I seem to have maintained I did not wake up healed from last year.  They truly did everything to help prevent that and it wasn't anything to do with the doctors, it was that last little bit of hope I held without realizing it that said maybe the hysterectomy would cure it all.

So now Dr. Mind and I have things to talk about instead of circling around what my brain comes up with.  

I just wish the pushing too hard really could make things better.  It would be great if I had a hysterectomy and suddenly no longer was one of those people dependent on the government because I am lazy.  (Not that this comment made me bitter at all.  I just think those who think this is easy and lazy should try to live on the incomes of people on SSI/SSDI while paying medicare premiums and drug costs.  I want them to have to tell yet another official person at the hospital that you are on patient assistance or to have your meds sent to your doctor's office to be sure they are distributed appropriately.  Or choosing whether to risk dropping a med that has a history of keeping you alive because it is expensive.  That's just the last month of experiences.  It doesn't include the free counseling sessions (Dr. Mind makes nothing for treating me), the meds I do pay for at great cost, etc.  It's hard to believe what I was earning a year ago and then compare it to now, when the only way I have to make a tiny bit of extra money is completing commercial offers and surveys through an online thing that also lets you earn points for searches.  I do this plenty and earn something about every month but I really didn't take on that master's degree to work hard to earn gift cards so I can replace the pan I burned, buy sewing supplies, etc.

Not trying to be political as I am not and vote based on what I think of policies, not by affiliation.  But Romney hurt me and many, many others like me in a way that won't resolve quickly.  Politics should not insult and say the worst things that you think about yourself as a member of a group if people really want to be politicians.

Sorry.  Bad mood.  Ignore it if you don't like it.