I'll add this to my list

I am going o write normally here because I think it is time to let the families in CT begin to grieve without scrutiny and because we won't know much else for a long time. I am re-reading blogposts to make sure none that are too detailed in what happened to me are up. I have decided pretty much that I'm going to keep blogging although there may be times I don't post as often anymore. But I miss it when I don't and some touch times are coming with the meds and that will make me want to write. I'm reading about the trauma therapy I did this spring/summer. One of the things I'm noticing is that there is actually a degree of trauma left from facing things that head-on. One of the things that has annoyed me greatly of late has been that I worked very hard to look people in the eyes. Now I don't just struggle with strangers but I barely ever look at Dr. Mind. Right now I'm working on knowing what color shirt he's wearing after each session and looking if he reminds me. I don't think he wants to push it so it's an ongoing battle. I am not saying that what we did was bad or that I'm not extremely glad we did. I just thing that some of the reason I've spent the last 2 weeks crying and have felt awkward with Dr. Mind more frequently lately is that what we did was tough. He had to go from being one of my safest people to pushing and demanding at times, being gentle at others and I couldn't possibly guess when. It was hard and yet it did work. I have so much less anxiety about stupid things and so much less PTSD. I rarely have flashbacks or bad nightmares. Maybe I just hate that someday those kids who survived and parents who survived and those who had to work with the horrific scene will all face such things and i'm realizing because I'm thinking of them how painful, yet how effective this was. I don't know. It's just what was heavily on my mind. Copyright 2006 www.masterofirony.blogspot.com