Mish-mash

First off, thanks Jean Gray for the Topomax reminder.  I already have so much trouble with word finding that I don't know if I'll be allowed to try this but I think we have to give it a chance because killer migraines don't do anything for my mood either.  Excedrin (ok, that word is in spellcheck?) Migraine isn't an option for me.  I haven't had caffeine beyond occasional chocolate in 5 1/2 years now because I was using it it keep my mood sky high so I could function during a mixed episode.  I was consuming so much that I had horrible headaches and swore I'd never do that again.  My doctors also really wanted me to avoid it because of the dangerous way I was using it and the psychotic reactions that resulted.  In fact that's when I finally started permanent antipsychotics.  Also, I'm not supposed to mix lithium and aspirin.  I thought that was the rule but it could be that aspirin has caffeine or some other health issue I have that says no aspirin.  I remember in college aspirin made me manic although I had no idea that was the cause and I got into a bad caffeine addiction with rebound headaches then too. 

Second, I am finally crying less.  Still crying every day but less.  Some today with Dr. Mind but I did talk to him about my freaking out about him leaving.  We talked a lot about how hard it is for me to consider losing the one person I really trust and how much that trust has increased in the last year and half as he's helped keep me alive, supported me through the hardest moments of my life and that I learned to trust even more and differently when we went through the PTSD therapy where he had to push me in ways he never had before and that I suspect he never would have considered if it weren't for the treatment.  He's never let me get away with avoiding things, which is another thing that makes me trust him because I manipulated a lot of treatment providers and I think that his refusal to let me get away with saying ever that I was feeling suicidal but I was fine was a major factor in saving my life last year.  I spent so much time trying to decide that the moment had come to take the pills that I knew would pretty certainly end my life and I kept hearing the echo of his voice saying "You have to tell me.  You have to tell me.  I will help you.  I will keep you safe but you have to tell me.  No buts, you have to tell me".  I remember fighting so hard against that years ago.  Last December the night I asked to go to the hospital was shortly after leaving his office.  I had to go to Walmart on the way home and was so overwhelmed in there but somehow my mind realized that I had to tell him but I'd missed my chance.  It was the promises I'd made to him that got me to that psych unit and then got me to admit that they should not send me homey  because I WOULd kill myself.  I probably should thank him for that.  Maybe I'll send him a card.  Anyway, just discussing my reasons for feeling this and having him agree with me helped.  I also learned he's never had a patient as long as me.  That's part of the bond also that I didn't realize; he obviously cares a lot and I think feels good about what we've managed to do and that when I first came to see him I had almost nobody I was bonded to and he's been one of the people who broke through that.  One of the things I can't imagine is not having someone who I can make a remote reference to something and have him understand without my having to bust through the PTSD to explain.  He still makes me talk about it but it's easier that he knows.  I do feel better that I have talked to him more about this and how tentative all this seems to be.  It sounds like he has several places that have expressed interest but no good idea what the prospects really are.  And he said there are other factors that could come into play.  I sort of got the idea that this his dream that's been delayed a long time but that he's not even sure he really wants it.  Maybe.  On the other hand I have to handle it when the time comes and he promised to try to not make that traumatic which my last several changes have been (4 weeks notice she was moving to Luxembourg; death; inability to diagnose; refusal to work with my faith-based values; refusal to admit I could have a problem not related to child abuse; phone call from children's services social worker that after 2 years of counseling she was leaving and was closing my case to protect my "decision" to remain in my home.  That goes a long way into not true land and sometimes I wish I could just confront that woman.  But it is too late and she was in a tough position because she was friends with my mom.  She was very wrong, but conflicted.

So I think there's still crying to come whether or not this happens but he knows now at last how much I'm struggling with this and a bit of the why.  And I feel reassured that it maybe is a little less likely than it sounded.  And all that can be done is wait to see.  He promised me that he will work with me on transitioning so I don't have the same kind of transition as I had with him.  We didn't have the same ideas and expectations at first and we worked it out but it was one more reminder that I was transitioning rather blindly.  That shouldn't happen again and surely if I do have to go through a transition it will not be while having months of lithium toxicity that was missed because I was vomiting up my meds, lowering my levels, over and over.  I was also in a horrible mixed episode and so he walked right into as bad as it got, except for the first month I was insisting I was GREAT, no problems without my mood even though I couldn't keep meds down, this was my norm or better.  It took a bit for him to catch on that all this wasn't true and then he was pretty forceful about fixing it, which is good but was hard when I was resenting him because he was still a stranger.  By 6 months in though I knew he wasn't a stranger but someone very good at treating me.

I am getting very sleepy.  I wanted to take a nap when I got home and then didn't because it was too late in the afternoon.  I think it's time to try for an early bedtime.

Good night.