i will say this

I really, really don't want to do the hospital thing.  I know that it is going to be necessary unless those patches appear out of nowhere (which is still possible; Dr. Brain hasn't said no, but if I were her I'd tell me yes and wait to see me to say no to avoid 97 questions that she can't answer coming from a very upset me).  For one thing it is highly unlikely I'll stay well enough to be home through all of it.  Last time I only made it about 4 weeks and wasn't able to care for myself and that medication change was because the old one wasn't working.  So with this being from one that is working to another we hope will work it's likely to be a bit harder.  Further going into the hospital makes the process easier  and keeps me from enduring the 2 week wash-out period required for this transition.  In the hospital they will carefully calculate a safe point to  be on a small bit of patch and a micro-dose of the new med.  Dr. Brain said the new one will take longer to work this way but I won't go through having nothing at all. 

I told Dr. Mind the other day that I am feeling more comfortable because I do know how the hospital works now and I know the staff and doctors.  I know what I'll need and so I can start to acquire some of it.

I just hate the idea of being there because of a med change due to money.  I know that there is a good chance that I will spend time on the unit over the years.  this need is just stupid, and in a year we'll be deciding if we need to do this in reverse, hospital and all.

I keep thinking about last time.  It wasn't easy because I was on suicide precautions.  The time before that i was on agitation precautions.  That was the nurses feeling sorry for me, but they don't assign a 1:1 aide very often on that unit and I had like 16 hours of that.

i also keep praying that I will get a single room.  The last time my roommate's sexual behaviors were literally traumatizing and I kept telling people, being assured that it would end and i'd be moved and the next shift would refuse.  I also learned that the first bed  doesn't have a privacy curtain in the front and this means that you sleep with the light in your eye as the doors are cracked to allow quiet bed checks.  That doesn't work well for me and i spent the last time getting up and closing the door after each check.  I am going to talk to Dr. Brain about this and emphasize how bad that roommate thing was.  i have a story from my past explaining my upset.  I'm hoping that since Dr. Brain was one of the people i told and who told the nurses to fix it that I'll get more sympathy.

I am afraid the social worker will be mean to me. I was pretty angry last time when I asked from my 2nd day until the day before discharge for her to talk to me about intensive outpatient programs.  She never did.  The day I was discharge I suddenly found nobody knew anything and i wound up referred to a place that wasn't appropriate. I complained, in tears, about this and the people who were there tried to fix it but got a lot less friendly. However my perceptions were off so who knows. 

There is also one nurse everyone dislikes.  I've seen this with other patients and Dr. Brain has said also that everyone complains about one person. i had a few fights with her my first time that wound up with the unit Dr. taking my side after I convinced him to listen to it.  Last time she called me Lisa, asking me to get another patient.  She all but called me stupid before I realized that I was 'Lisa' and corrected her.  Scary since she'd been my nurse nearly every night for 2 weeks.  When that came up a few months ago and Dr. said she had a complaint she needed to make about that nurse.  I told her my hilarious yet telling story from my last visit.  This nurse really likes and gives special attention to my roommate of that time.  I was reading in a chair in the hall where I was at the one point to hear all of this.  The nurse and my roommate were for some reason chatting in the laundry room for a long time.  They came out and kept talking.  Around then Dr. Brain came for on-call rounds.  She went in the nurses station, which is a closed room a few few behind where i was reading.  Eventually mean nurse sighed and said 'well, i suppose i should go see Dr. Brain' sigh.  like it's this huge ordeal.  Sigh.  Then she went to the nurses' station, unlocked the door and walked in a with a very fake 'Dr. Brain!!!'. Such a fake, which is probably why someone thinks she is a good nurse.   l will sit in that seat daily and never have events line up like that.  Dr. Brain wasn't impressed.

So potentially people don't like me and if last time is an indicator i will be fragile this time.  Last antidepresant change was very tearful.

Anyway, i know after that part i should start feeling better.  i just dread going through it.

(my Shift key isn't working well.  Sorry for that)