If only I remembered one more word

Yesterday was one of the more difficult counseling sessions I've had in a long time.  For weeks now I have gone there and cried while talking about my losses and feeling of being out of control and my extreme difficulty in being open to help.  I am not going to say a lot because I don't want to start crying now.  But I just don't know how to take help and take help.  I know how to give.  This other is not what I am used to, it feels really weird and it feels wrong.  Yet this is what I have to do at this stage in my life.  Yesterday Dr. Mind pushed harder and I tried to say I know I have to but don't know how.  He's pretty good at reading lips but I seriously doubt he was able to do it this time as not the slightest squeak came out. Instead I suddenly sobbed for probably 10 minutes, the kind of sobs that come from your toes and shake your whole body.  I have never done that with him.  He's seen me cry hard and we've had to stop before to let me be able to talk but never have we stopped simply because there was no way that I was calming down.  I don't know where that came from other than some very deep place since I am absolutely exhausted and have been since I got home.

I think a lot of the tears were because during that hour (and a half but the half was the sobbing time and recovery) I'd gotten a better understanding of what happens if I don't figure this out and yet it is totally opposite of what I've spent my life believing was the right way to live.  I need to talk to him more about that next week. 

But the most frustrating part is that as I finally wasn't crying so loudly that probably the person next door also heard me Dr. Mind said something that I know what supposed to help.  I even know the general idea.  But one word, the main word, didn't make it into my memory.  I think I know (I'm not giving details because the whole bit of conversation was very much drowned out by my sobs and I don't know how to explain the context aside from I cried so hard that I left with 2 hands full of used tissues, my shirt and bra were wet, I was out of breath and I still had to sit in the parking lot for 10 minutes or so to get it together enough to try to drive and I still fought tears on the way home.  I thought about calling and asking for him to have someone relay the missing word but that seemed more than this is really important so I'll ask next week.  I want to just go back Thursday but my niece will be visiting and I probably need to keep thinking anyway how I'm going to explain to him what the wall we're trying to cross is.  However, trying to figure out what words fit into that gap is challenging.

Also challenging is staying patient as I wait to hear from Dr. Brain about whether she found a way to keep me on Emsam or not.  I don't think I've conveyed my anxiety level about this to her and I've been waiting over 2 months now.  To make it worse I have a dwindling supply of patches and that means a daily reminder that something MUST happen soon.  In reality I don't need very many patches for weaning purposes but I would rather have spares than taper under pressure.  I also want to know know if my life is going to be on hold.  As it stands my life is dancing around around being on hold because I don't want to get into things I can't finish during the time I feel terrible.  She was supposed to call and leave messages after I left Saturday then try to talk to them Monday.  I still haven't heard anything and I wish I didn't know that it was completely annoying to beg several times per day to please let me know what my life is going to be.

Drat, the tears just started again as I came up with a whole new thought that won't make sense here either.  I need to write that down before I lose it.

Regardless, not the easiest time ever here.