The Future

Jean Grey always gives me things to think about.  She's been through loss with disability and she is able to give me answers that are based on experience.

This time she wrote:

If you are like me, you are not going to be happy until you have a plan- even if it is just a dream at this point. I don't know what you want to do in the future. Maybe it is to be a peer counselor, a nanny for a special needs child, or a part-time OT. You have learned skills that are still with you- and that can benefit someone.

She's right.  A plan would help immensely.  The truth is that part of my grieving is that right now I can't have a plan.  I got through a while by weaning myself away from the idea of returning to being an OT.  Then I thought that I might be able to do various things just to make a little extra money and have something to do.

But at this point, while nobody is discouraging me, I'm also not being encouraged to think that way.  I don't precisely know what I have to achieve to be allowed to consider working but I know it includes at least a year of stability as defined my my particular illness (ie, cycling but not drastic, not suicidal, sleeping regularly, etc).  Considering that it's been 15 months that I've not been allowed to have control of my medications or sharps and while an end was approaching I have now nearly certainly bought another period of safety time, I think that this is a very long way from happening.

There are a few other issues with working or even volunteering.  One is that even the last 2 years I worked I was taking advantage of flex time a LOT to manage.  Most jobs aren't going to offer that.  I really doubt I could handle a work schedule that wasn't flexible without serious difficulty  because of my sleep and exhaustion issues.  The more meds I take trying to stabilize and/or sleep the harder it is to operate on a schedule.  Another issue is that the kind of job I could possibly get is not going to pay enough for the limited number of hours I'd be allowed to work to make much sense.  My work history also doesn't lend itself to getting a job in an economy where jobs are rare.  Years of not working, multiple job changes, fired twice, etc. aren't good.  The last thing is that I can't work until we know that I psychologically can manage not feeling excessively responsible.  I can't exist as a job while ignoring my health needs, and all it takes for me to start out of control is a simple request to pick up a couple hours.  I've had that problem since my very first job.

The final thing is that I can't easily find myself thinking "I could do that" when I don't live where I will be living in a few months.  I don' t know my new area all that well.  I worked there for a while but with little community involvement.  I know my way around and what stores exist, mostly.  So in 6 months this may all feel different.

Who knows.  This is all so much more involved than I thought it would be.