ending

Tonight is my last night in my house.  I can't say more or I cry and right now I can't cry because I'm not sure I would stop.  If I'm quiet it's just me taking time to adjust and I'll be up here frequently next week finishing things.

I trialed my med adjustment and that did help things out a bit in that I slept for most of a day.  Unfortunately I didn't have enough Seroquel to take the full extra am ount more than once and it will be Tuesday before I can return to all of it because I have things that I can't miss and there is going to be a significant sleepy period with the full increase.  I'm going from sort of high to quite high but my dr. has used more on other people and maybe on me once but I don't remember.  So the cycling is still bad and I'm forcing myself to be strong long enough to do the full increase right.  The smaller one that I have enough pills for doesn't do much but it's hard to expect it to when it is up against the rawness of my life.

Next week I'll have to go back to facing all of this.  I have been trying hard for a while now to not cry or feel much.  This led to Dr. Mind telling me in great detail that I never really change the tone of my voice anymore and don't make a lot of facial expressions (flat affect).  The last time I heard that it was because I was afraid of the PTSD therapy I did last year.  This time it has been because if I let myself feel it may be too much.  I think there's probably a 25-50% chance I'll be hospitalized in the next month or two and all of that depends on whether I can handle this without staying shut down and with remaining safe.  There's no med increase or change that hospitalization would really affect but if I can't handle this it will turn to self-harm and then I'd rather be there than fighting to hide it at my mom's. I talked to her a little about suicide and didn't give her a full picture but we did talk about it.  But that doesn't mean I'm ready to be at her house and live that kind of depression.

 

To make things more chaotic today my mortgage company called and offered really great terms on a car re-finance.  Bad timing, good offer.  With my income I'm not sure they'll approve it but I also was told at one point when they were pressuring me to get documents to them ASAP (I was waiting for the carpet man and couldn't leave) that they had the approval.  They apparently are most concnerned about how they rate your credit with THEM and I have an extremely high rating on their scale and I really good credit score too.  I just don't make much money.  So I don't know, but if it is approved I'll have about $60 more per month.  If I do I hope that I can find a way to pay Dr. Mind a little more.  He hasn't made a penny since last March for treating me and while we've discussed increasing and then going back to not paying him anything if something happens he's always said not to worry about it.  but if I can pay him $10 that would make me happy even though I know he feels that this is what God calls us to do.  I agree but I also know he is about to have a kid in college.  Which is crazy since the kid was a little boy of 8 or 9 when I met Dr. Mind.

Ok, time to find a distraction as the tears want to come again.  I would be better off if I could just DO something but I'm so tired because I was busy all day that I really need to just put my clothes in the dryer, shower and rest.  Tomorrow is going to be another busy day and I doubt I'll get a nap then either.  Just loading everything in my car is going to be challenging.  Because I don't know how long it will take to build the new place I don't know how long I'll be at my mom's.  The storage unit is accessible but will be very full when my furniture moves in so I need to have what I need for several months until I know that I'll definitely be there through fall or not.  Hopefully the end of the summer but her contractors of choice tend to be further behind than they predict.

More soon.