the good doctor

(Please know that I had essentially no sleep last night after a very hard day moving to my mom's and then I was gone for 8 hours, 5 of that driving and some of it loading another pile of things into my car, and I'm so tired that this may not be my best writing.)

Dr. Brain can frustrate me sometimes.  I don't always know when to be more assertive with her and that can be difficult.  But she is always a blessing and sometimes so much more.

I see her on the day she mostly sees people with VNS (vagal nerve stimulators).  Last month she told me she was picking up a few more and this week would be the beginning of that.  She's always behind and today was a little worse than usual.  She told me she started at 7:30 and when I went in it was about 2 and she hadn't even eaten.  Yet from that very long day we spent about 10 minutes talking about some med order issues (she has to do more with my patient assistance meds) and then she deviated completely from her usual routine.  She told me Dr. Mind had been in touch with her.  I knew he was going to email her and that he's concerned with how things are going.  I know that partly he's concerned because I'm not showing much emotion and am not crying and I am doing that because I can't imagine handling the emotions well and I don't have time to fall apart, nor do I have  personal space to fall apart in.  So I'm trying to feel nothing.

I hadn't exactly said that to Dr. Mind.  Dr. Brain sort of took advantage of this making me emotional and for 2 hours I cried or fought crying while she talked me into crying (more or less, she didn't just say "cry Jen cry!" or anything.)  She held me while I cried even more.  She let me cry so long that there was no way I was going to be safe to drive so she told me I could sit in the waiting room as long as I wanted while she finished paperwork.  I didn't do that because I didn't want to see her and start crying yet again; I sat in the parking lot and calmed down.

I don't think I cried for 2 solid hours.  I think she asked questions and I answered them and sometimes I cried and sometimes I didn't.  But she spent all that time helping when other psychiatrists have spent 8 minutes per month with me and thought they were doing enough.

I'm so tired now.  I'm trying to wait a little bit to take meds because I'm taking the higher dose tonight and I don't want to fall asleep so early that I wake up at midnight groggy but unable to sleep.  I don't even know how I feel right now at all aside from very, very tired.