First, random point that I"m sorry about posts that don't format. If I post from my email it formats. If I post from blogger it comes out in one monster paragraph. I haven't figured it out yet.
My niece will have surgery Thursday. She will be just over 3 weeks old. It's major surgery and I am having trouble getting used to the idea that she is going to experience pain. The children's hospital is really good and I know they'll control it, but still....3 weeks old. Maybe 9 lbs. It hurts my soul somehow. I don't know more details; my sister hasn't gotten a lot of things clarified that she needs to. She's under the impression that they'll be in a family recovery room post-op. They know they'll be in the hospital a minimum of 3 days, more if she isn't meeting requirements. She will be on IV feedings and possibly a vent for a day or 2 after surgery. I suspect she'll be in intensive care (certainly with a vent, probably otherwise) at least initially because she is so little to have major surgery. This surgery can be kind of bloody so that's a factor too. Then she'll be in a regular room. My sister is hoping they can keep Anne with them but I think that sounds like a disaster. She is not going to happily stay in a hospital and honestly seeing Geraldine while she is drugged, in pain and unable to be normally held or snuggled (and shouldn't be jostled accidentally) is a bad, bad idea. But it's not mine to make. I"m hoping it is made for them, like no 3 year olds except during set visiting hours.And I know I"m NOT homeless really but it is a big transition to go from renting to owning a house and a bigger transition to go from owning to "renting". (I'm not officially renting because well it's just not going to work that way. But regardless, I know who owns my house now and it's not me.) I was glad to hear the new owner is excited to move in and that he likes my little house. I just miss the idea. And now I'm crying and my eyes are so sore from yesterday's hours of crying plus wiping them with chemicals so enough about that.
I am so tired. I hope that Dr. Brain can fix that too. I"ve been taking more klonopin than I"m supposed to or ever really have (because I used to have other meds for anxiety and haven't needed them in a very long time) and she knows that but I need a better solution. I don't want klonopin to stop working for me. Ativan did several years ago and now the only dose that helps is a large one that makes me sleep. I can't take Xanax and nobody wants me to so I need to keep my klonopin use down. It's hard when I'm on so much antipsychotic plus Neurontin and other sedatives and I'm still way too anxious. Shows I need a new med, but it's frustrating. A few years ago during one of these spells I was allowed a small dose of valium and rare use of it really was helpful but now I am not allowed to have it because of the suicidal stuff. I would love to get a new script for that because a teeny amount helps so much and it can be used rarely but that is not likely.
Anyway, I've probably been feeling pretty sorry for myself writing this too and we can't have that. (See, angry). I'm just writing to try to think my way through some of this so please forgive any negative ways it sounds. Not intended, just overwhelmed and not sure what I need to say to Dr. Mind that isn't going to make it worse.
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