No more

In the last several weeks I've had contact with the vet and several doctors.  I actually was in to see Dr. Body and will go in there again this week for my welcome to Medicare appointment (yes, they do call it that).  And I've had blood drawn.  And I realized that an entirely new phase of my life has come.

In the past when I went in to the doctor or for labs I usually was wearing scrubs.  If not I always had some little story that I could commiserate with the medical assistant/nurse/phlebotomist with.  (ie, yes I hate having my patients use my pens during flu season too but I don't get a choice because they have to sign off on my visit using my computer tablet pen.  Oh look, we have the same scrubs.  Etc.)  It made me one of the club so to speak.

I never thought a lot about it.  Most of my contact is with doctors who know why I am talking in medicalise.  But when it is someone new or someone who would only have known from what I was wearing I'm finding that I get weird looks more than I get acceptance now.  Back in November when I went to the migraine clinic they asked a question and without thinking I said "now I remember I was with a specific patient when the first terrible migraine hit.  Let me think when she was my patient" which resulted in a question about what I did.  My chart no longer answers this; it just says I am disabled.  And then I felt self-conscious.  I didn't say it that way to draw attention to my background, just I was thinking aloud, but then again at some point I want them to know that I fully understand a a great deal.

It's another way life moved on and I didn't notice.  I truly thought much of that was done.  There is still the potential for Dr. Mind to leave although that has grown smaller.  I think.  It's down to one potential job from about 5 but that's all it takes.  Moving on from Dr. Mind would be enormous but that's not something I can do much about now.  It's a weird thing though to know that he's sad as things don't work out and that the best I can do is feel sad for him because I know this was his dream yet something I so much didn't want for myself.  Which is so selfish.

I think it's another phase of the loss cycle, this realization that I'm no longer really a healthcare professional, just sort of a highly trained hobbyist or something.  As my rabid attempts to get off mailing lists pays off and the lists of licensed OTs lists me as having an escrowed license I am being recruited less and less often.  Which is good in that recruiting hurt but sad in that it's another step towards next year (I think) when I will end my licensure.

It's also another way that interacting with strangers can be weird.  I throw my vet off balance frequently by talking more matter-of-factly than she is used to.  But it's all I can do; it's who I am and how I think. 

It's mostly just a phase I didn't anticipate.  Like so many others.